Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get... - FML

By Sam - 23/11/2009 01:35 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he'd be more turned on. Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn't untie him fast enough. I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Business savvy

Trust

By fukinnature - 1/11/2016 07:27

Today, I was feeling stressed about some upcoming exams, so I went on a nice relaxing nature walk through the nearby bushland. I slipped off a rock and landed in knee-deep mud that claimed my shoe when I pulled my leg free. I'm even more stressed now. FML

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By fuckstudentloans - 18/6/2015 23:29 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML

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By Extended_desktop - 11/9/2011 17:53 - Poland

Today, I got bored and decided to visit a porn site. I typed in the address and hit enter. A split second later, I realized I wasn't typing into the browser address bar, but in a chat window on my other screen. I'd been chatting with a girl I wanted to get with at the time. FML

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By chubbyg - 20/9/2014 12:23 - Australia - Clarinda

Today, my boyfriend asked me when I was going to shave my arms now that summer is coming in Australia. FML

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By realnotimaginary - 15/12/2016 06:00

Today, my boss gave me a lecture accompanied with a formal warning because I failed to take notes during a client meeting. I was never at this client meeting, in fact, I had a call with another client at the same time. Regardless, he insists I was there and refuses to listen to reason. FML

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By Username - 28/2/2011 16:26

Today, my assistant manager was arguing with a customer. I interjected letting the customer know that "we want everything to be copacetic." After the customer left, I received a write up for using "big words." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2011 02:47 - United States

Today, my school is having their homecoming, and it seems everyone but me has someone to go with. My best friend has her boyfriend, my brother has a date, and I have my hamster. FML

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By TKPhai - 5/4/2015 03:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents, my aunt and her husband went out to dinner. There, my aunt told us that she was pregnant, and out of instinct, I asked her who the father is. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I had an important powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems that during my lunch break, my boyfriend IMed me on my mac saying "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML

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By Lonely Gay - 22/2/2012 09:37 - United States

Today, a first date with a guy went so badly that he actually paid me to never call him again. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2013 15:20 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I uttered the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" in class. Moments later, I'd been called a "racist twerp" and kicked out of class by the same English teacher who once tried to have another kid suspended for using the word "titillate", because apparently it's "pornographic". FML

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By Magicgwen - 26/4/2012 20:45 - France - Paris

Today, I put my ironing board away in the bathroom. After closing the door, I heard a loud noise. The board had opened up while falling over, taking up the width of the room. I can't open the door. FML

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By MoncaBang - 29/1/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight to hide in my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2015 23:47 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I opened my Christmas presents with my husband. One of the things he got me was a ball gag. "Yeah," he said with a grin, "That one's more for me but I didn't wanna buy myself headphones." Cue our son asking me what it was. FML

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By thewordsicantsay - 25/2/2010 07:05 - Canada

Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML

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By Ruby Lore - 20/7/2017 00:31

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to go fishing together, but he said he was busy with errands. Later, in a casual conversation with my friend, she opened up her phone to show me pictures of her fishing with my dad. FML

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By shitttyyyday - 14/1/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML

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By Carlah - 17/3/2020 20:30

Deception

Today, I found out that the 19-year-old I've been seeing is really 26, with two kids and a pregnant fiancée. I'm only 17. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2014 03:46 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

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By RJB - 29/7/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I got so bored I made a "to do" list for the week. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2015 02:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to use the bathroom really badly in a drug store. After I did a #2, just as I realized the handle on the toilet was broken, a knock came at the door. I tried fixing it for ten minutes, before slipping out the door, to come face to face with two employees coming to fix the toilet. FML

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By Patrick - 14/10/2012 04:39 - United States - Sulphur

Today, I brought my new puppy home. I saw her sniffing around, so I took her outside to do her business. She simply played in the grass for ten minutes, so I brought her in. She walked in the door, squatted, and shit. She has diarrhea. This is the fourth time today. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 14:50 - Canada

Today, I read the instructions on my new prescription constipation medicine: "For best results, defecate before use." FML

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By BrokeAF - 12/8/2018 08:30 - United States - Great Barrington

Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML

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By Lysh - 24/11/2016 05:38

Today, my fiancé broke it off with me on our 3-year anniversary at 12:01 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning. Guess who gets to go to family gatherings where everyone will be asking where he is. FML

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By OweLotsaMoney - 5/9/2013 15:49 - United States

Today, I arrived at my college dorm. To help me sleep, I listened to my local radio from my phone. Little did I know, they turn off the wifi for part of the night, and hours of music were streamed onto my phone. Guess who now owes the phone company all my money. FML

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By bleeeaaaaaacccccchhhhhhhh - 21/6/2013 21:00 - United States - Washington

Today, I walked in on my grandma playing with herself. Every time I close my eyes, I see things that no mortal was ever meant to see. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - 7/1/2013 06:09 - United States

Today, I came out to my parents. They laughed in my face. FML

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By ohhhgross - 26/10/2009 18:32 - Singapore

Today, while I was eating, my younger sister came over and sat beside me. She started clipping her toenails. Disgusted by it, I turned and opened my mouth to tell her to move somewhere else, just as one flew inside my mouth. FML

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By JFC - 17/7/2016 19:56

Today, I was staying over at a friend's house for the weekend while the rest of my family goes to Cuba. Her neighbor started hitting on me. As it turns out, "he" was actually born as a "she", and now I'm apparently a transphobic bitch for not being interested. Two more days to go. FML

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By Anon - 27/7/2009 07:32 - Singapore

Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of Warcraft money. FML

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By Busted - 31/12/2010 20:52 - Mexico

Today, I canceled my ATM card, because it had been lost. Then I found it. Then I found out I can't reactivate it, because I asked for a replacement card. I'm from CA, and I'm in Mexico with only 20 bucks. FML

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By jacko - 15/8/2010 09:47 - Reserved

Today, my Platoon Sergeant caught me unshaved, so now I have to write a 1000 word essay on "The importance of shaving." FML

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By RB84 - 22/4/2017 02:00

Today I got a call from my daughter's school, because she claimed that she couldn't see out of her right eye. I panicked and went to pick her up. On the way to the emergency room, she turns to me and says, "I'm fine. I didn't want to take a test." FML

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By CambodianAsshole - 25/12/2012 06:41 - United States - Placentia

Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, my husband invited a couple of his college friends over for dinner. While we were in the middle of eating, one of them asked loudly, "Hey, whatever happened to that fat bitch you dated in your third year?" We've been dating since his second year. FML

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By NotAnExcuse - 7/11/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

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By thissucks - 1/3/2009 19:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML

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By hellangelrose - 26/8/2014 07:48 - France

Today, I was staying in my family friend's house in France. The church bells ring every hour, which I thought was cute. Until 8 this morning where they rang 24 times. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2013 04:01 - United States - Appleton

Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML

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Top comments

By pinkthistlepoppy | 0

#684587 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:08

kind of weird getting it on while his mom is in the house. ydi.

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#684558 - Monday 23 November 2009 8:56

LMFAO awww that's so awkward
Poor you, kiddo. FYL indeed.

Though now she knows what to get you guys for Christmas: handcuffs. They have keys, much quicker.

Comments

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#684558 - Monday 23 November 2009 8:56

LMFAO awww that's so awkward
Poor you, kiddo. FYL indeed.

Though now she knows what to get you guys for Christmas: handcuffs. They have keys, much quicker.

Reply

austinryansmith | 0

#793087 - Saturday 23 January 2010 14:44

lol u make my day

Reply

ImanAzol | 4

#3956851 - Saturday 28 January 2012 16:39

Handcuffs can damage the wrists. Leather cuffs with buckles are much safer.

But why did she have to untie him? Couldn't she just wait while you did?

Reply

nathan95_fml | 3

#4278831 - Monday 9 April 2012 5:17

Even better, leather restraints with buckles...even faster than handcuffs...and way more comfortable and sexy

Reply

capjack | 2

#4598775 - Friday 22 June 2012 5:45

I say if you have your mom at your house with you busting out condoms and handcuffs is a bad idea.

By Moeey | 0

#684565 - Monday 23 November 2009 8:59

Chew it over with a twix. No one cares but me because I took the time to write this.

By pinkthistlepoppy | 0

#684587 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:08

kind of weird getting it on while his mom is in the house. ydi.

Reply

KarinaLizeth18 | 5

#1341521 - Friday 3 September 2010 5:00

agreed haha aww n00bs these days

Reply

Life_is_FML | 22

#5402509 - Tuesday 12 March 2013 14:18

Noobs? This isn't Xbox live you know

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#5521357 - Wednesday 5 June 2013 4:38

I don't think the issue is her being in the house so much as their horrible timing. They must have known it was close to supper time; they should have waited 'til later, when everyone was in bed.

By U_idiot | 1

#684600 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:17

lol nice. You kind of deserve it for getting it on before supper... which I'm guessing you knew about. Shit like this happens all the time though to people I'm sure. Embarrasing yes.. FML, no.

By JassyJas | 2

#684607 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:25

RAWR=i love you in dinosaur

Reply

toch040 | 0

#1039745 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 0:32

on a different note, grraawllll means spamer

By beverly1987 | 0

#684612 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:28

Fun fact: putting the apostrohpe at the end of "boyfriends" instead of between the d and s, it creates the impression of you having multiple boyfriends who all live in the same house ;)
I know, grammar naziism is bad, but this is just funny.

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#684639 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:51

Hah, I wasn't even paying attention.

Maybe it's not an error? Hohoho.

Reply

CAiiKESTuhRZ123 | 0

#714416 - Friday 11 December 2009 2:33

WaT ThU HeLl We'Re CoMmEnTINg AnD yOuR DoInG A GrAmMeR LeSsOn

Reply

KarinaLizeth18 | 5

#1341527 - Friday 3 September 2010 5:01

oh wow 33 what the hell happened to your caps lock button?? does it randomly spazz out like that??

Reply

xthere | 1

#1703369 - Monday 15 November 2010 5:09

Hahah
44 win xD

By Hurt16 | 0

#684622 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:37

must have been one silent dinner... ydi for having sex when the mother is in the house...

By Erindub | 0

#684696 - Monday 23 November 2009 11:16

Yeah what an awkwarrrrd dinner that had to have been : ) ha ha!

Reply

nullfactor | 0

#1344964 - Friday 3 September 2010 17:52

What's awkward about it? They were just trying to have dessert before dinner. =]

By Dynoblaze | 1

#684700 - Monday 23 November 2009 11:21

Should have said to his mom, that you guys would be down in a few minutes cause her sons hands were tied and he'll "get off" in a bit.

By Mortanious | 0

#684721 - Monday 23 November 2009 12:05

YDI stupid