Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get... - FML

By Sam - 23/11/2009 01:35 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he'd be more turned on. Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn't untie him fast enough. I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. FML

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Understandable

Social distancing gone wrong

Trip Advisor says no

By matou - 9/7/2015 20:41 - France - Caluire

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

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By Godmish - 2/1/2009 05:37 - France

Today, I received a text message from my girlfriend saying: "Do you remember last time we slept together?", I answer straight away "Of course I do, it was great!". To which she replies: "I hope you made the most of it: it was the last". FML

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By yessir - 1/12/2011 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend rear ended a cop car because he was texting me. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By Operation Yewtree here I come - 26/9/2014 20:40 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML

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By SMS123 - 25/6/2010 19:42 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my boyfriend when I started choking. My boyfriend took it as an opportunity to sneak food off my plate. FML

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By karebear - 9/9/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2011 06:36 - United States

Today, I received a few new fish for my aquarium as presents for my birthday. It just so happened that these fish were carrying diseases that left me with a tank full of dead fish. Happy birthday. FML

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By broomrape - 29/4/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the horrible stench haunting my apartment for the past week was the decomposing corpse of my freedom loving gerbil underneath the bed that I've been sleeping on. FML

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By BrianP - 7/7/2009 17:00 - Netherlands

Today, I came home to found all of my belongings out on the street. My roommate, who is also my brother, apparantly neglected to pay his part of the rent, and we got evicted. FML

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By why do eggs explode - 12/10/2015 21:35 - Canada - Calgary

Today, while I was in the shower, my 4 year old son wondered what would happen if he put 6 eggs in the microwave. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2019 00:01

Today, my 5-year-old figured out that if he has a mouthful of milk and he blows really hard, he can blow the milk out of his nose like twin fire hoses. I’ve washed the carpet twice in the past day, and my house still stinks of rotten dairy. FML

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By cockalicious - 1/3/2011 05:29

Today, my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys. FML

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By mista_sandy - 11/4/2012 16:54 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML

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By ashley - 30/4/2009 20:54 - United States

Today, my sister had her batmitzvah. During the party, there is a tradition where the batmitzvah gets lifted on a chair, and so does her family. It was my turn after my sister's. I got in the chair. They couldn't lift me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 08:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML

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By Koda - 6/5/2011 04:27

Today, I passed out when my blood sugar dropped. Three times. And each time, my roommate, who was right next to me, just let me fall because he liked the way my face looked. FML

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By Rosie - 28/7/2018 05:00

Today, I got off a long shift and went to the bus stop. Upon arrival, I saw a girl giving a guy a blowjob. Disgusted, I tried to avoid them and sat on the bench to wait. The girl popped up angrily and looked over at me. "Can't you give us some privacy?!" This is the only bus stop nearby. FML

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By boring - 10/5/2010 10:14 - New Zealand

Today, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had won $500,000. In my dream, I used this money to buy a new MP3 Player, and then put the rest in a term deposit. Even in my dreams, I'm the most boring person I know. FML

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By chinousmc - 6/12/2012 11:30 - United States - Clearwater

Today, I got punched in the face after a stranger asked for a light, didn't realize it was a butane lighter and burnt the tip of his nose lighting his cigarette. Now my nose looks worse than his. FML

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By 21ShitCleaner - 21/4/2015 12:51 - United States - Poway

Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML

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By futuremum - 22/3/2012 17:14 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I had to yet again tell my mother-in-law that I wasn't going to name my unborn baby "Ermintrude" after her late mother. My husband told me to stop being difficult, and that he agrees that it would be nice. FML

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By Tigerninjagoalie - 20/6/2016 23:13 - United States - Tonawanda

Today, I finally found someone who liked me and wanted to kiss me. It was a 5-year-old at the daycare I work at. FML

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By AnonymousOne - 8/12/2016 10:57

Today, I took my car to dealer because of the loud knocking sound I heard while driving it. Twenty-four hours later, they told me it was fixed. Fifteen minutes after I drove away, the tire flew off my car while I was on the highway. My car is now totaled. FML

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By clip_kate - 1/7/2016 02:36

Today, I went to the store, but after I'd selected my items, I saw that I'd forgotten my wallet. When I tried to explain to the cashier, he thought that I was trying to steal and called the cops. My roommate had to come to the store to save me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2015 16:51 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to sit and smile as a drunk lady ranted about how body hair on a woman is disgusting and unfeminine, then in the next breath say that only pedos like women who shave their vaginas. That's the last time I ever have dinner with my boyfriend's parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2012 04:50 - Canada

Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML

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By Gross... - 16/8/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML

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By feminista - 28/7/2012 20:38 - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I finally lost my virginity, all while in the passionate throes of an asthma attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2012 19:34 - United States - Pocatello

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, when she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

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By blabla - 23/12/2008 08:57 - France

Today, I tested a new drug designed to fight headaches. It had quite an effect on me, more specifically side effects: nausea, dizzyness and diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 05:40 - Egypt

Today, I woke up, patted my dog and kissed his nose. He was dead. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2016 21:42 - United States - Danville

Today, working night shift at a nursing home, I can tell the difference between the smell of different people's urine. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2015 01:07 - United States - Elkhart

Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML

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By Yudith - 4/6/2019 02:00

Today, at work, a customer pulled down her pants and lifted her sweater to reveal a hole in her chest full of greenish, stinky goo. I don't work in anything health-related. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2017 12:00

I miss the hungry years…

Today, my cat let a mouse sit on his paws for several minutes, then just sat and watched as it scurried into a crack in the drywall. My cat is only 4. FML

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By GetFuzzy - 18/10/2019 12:00

Coach Class

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

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By LonelyBoy - 1/2/2011 13:05 - Australia

Today, I was going through the history on my computer. Apparently, while I was at school my mother used my computer, and I now know my mother wants to learn how to make her breasts look larger, amongst other things. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2016 03:20 - Canada

Today, I found out what unwashed, warty feet taste like after someone kicked me in the mouth with one. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 02:20 - United States

Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML

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By malos - 12/8/2010 06:53 - United States

Today, my band got booed off stage. FML

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Top comments

By pinkthistlepoppy | 0

#684587 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:08

kind of weird getting it on while his mom is in the house. ydi.

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#684558 - Monday 23 November 2009 8:56

LMFAO awww that's so awkward
Poor you, kiddo. FYL indeed.

Though now she knows what to get you guys for Christmas: handcuffs. They have keys, much quicker.

COMMENTS

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#684558 - Monday 23 November 2009 8:56

LMFAO awww that's so awkward
Poor you, kiddo. FYL indeed.

Though now she knows what to get you guys for Christmas: handcuffs. They have keys, much quicker.

Reply

austinryansmith | 0

#793087 - Saturday 23 January 2010 14:44

lol u make my day

Reply

ImanAzol | 4

#3956851 - Saturday 28 January 2012 16:39

Handcuffs can damage the wrists. Leather cuffs with buckles are much safer.

But why did she have to untie him? Couldn't she just wait while you did?

Reply

nathan95_fml | 3

#4278831 - Monday 9 April 2012 5:17

Even better, leather restraints with buckles...even faster than handcuffs...and way more comfortable and sexy

Reply

capjack | 2

#4598775 - Friday 22 June 2012 5:45

I say if you have your mom at your house with you busting out condoms and handcuffs is a bad idea.

By Moeey | 0

#684565 - Monday 23 November 2009 8:59

Chew it over with a twix. No one cares but me because I took the time to write this.

By pinkthistlepoppy | 0

#684587 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:08

kind of weird getting it on while his mom is in the house. ydi.

Reply

KarinaLizeth18 | 5

#1341521 - Friday 3 September 2010 5:00

agreed haha aww n00bs these days

Reply

Life_is_FML | 22

#5402509 - Tuesday 12 March 2013 14:18

Noobs? This isn't Xbox live you know

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#5521357 - Wednesday 5 June 2013 4:38

I don't think the issue is her being in the house so much as their horrible timing. They must have known it was close to supper time; they should have waited 'til later, when everyone was in bed.

By U_idiot | 1

#684600 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:17

lol nice. You kind of deserve it for getting it on before supper... which I'm guessing you knew about. Shit like this happens all the time though to people I'm sure. Embarrasing yes.. FML, no.

By JassyJas | 2

#684607 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:25

RAWR=i love you in dinosaur

Reply

toch040 | 0

#1039745 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 0:32

on a different note, grraawllll means spamer

By beverly1987 | 0

#684612 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:28

Fun fact: putting the apostrohpe at the end of "boyfriends" instead of between the d and s, it creates the impression of you having multiple boyfriends who all live in the same house ;)
I know, grammar naziism is bad, but this is just funny.

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#684639 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:51

Hah, I wasn't even paying attention.

Maybe it's not an error? Hohoho.

Reply

CAiiKESTuhRZ123 | 0

#714416 - Friday 11 December 2009 2:33

WaT ThU HeLl We'Re CoMmEnTINg AnD yOuR DoInG A GrAmMeR LeSsOn

Reply

KarinaLizeth18 | 5

#1341527 - Friday 3 September 2010 5:01

oh wow 33 what the hell happened to your caps lock button?? does it randomly spazz out like that??

Reply

xthere | 1

#1703369 - Monday 15 November 2010 5:09

Hahah
44 win xD

By Hurt16 | 0

#684622 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:37

must have been one silent dinner... ydi for having sex when the mother is in the house...

By Erindub | 0

#684696 - Monday 23 November 2009 11:16

Yeah what an awkwarrrrd dinner that had to have been : ) ha ha!

Reply

nullfactor | 0

#1344964 - Friday 3 September 2010 17:52

What's awkward about it? They were just trying to have dessert before dinner. =]

By Dynoblaze | 1

#684700 - Monday 23 November 2009 11:21

Should have said to his mom, that you guys would be down in a few minutes cause her sons hands were tied and he'll "get off" in a bit.

By Mortanious | 0

#684721 - Monday 23 November 2009 12:05

YDI stupid