Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. I wanted to tease him,...

By Oops - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. I wanted to tease him, so I got his attention and made my orgasm face when I thought no one was looking. His thirteen year-old cousin saw and now bursts out laughing whenever he sees me. FML

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Intimacy

The student becomes the master

Lobbied

Free carer

By dummy - United States

Today, while babysitting a five year old, I found a cartoon called Metalocalypse for him to watch while I made dinner. I didn't realize it was an "adult" cartoon until afterwards. He watched a whole episode about a clown with a cocaine problem. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia

Today, I locked myself in the bathroom and started spanking the ferret. I started to get really into it when my dad started pounding on the door and yelled, "Son, that's great staying power, but can you finish up already?" FML

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By cheezmaster - United States

Today, after many, many attempts to get her out of my life, the girl that is stalking me told me that she loves me and our love can only be ended by her killing either herself or me. FML

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By hannah

Today, I discovered that every time my period ends, I queef loudly and uncontrollably. I’m literally too embarrassed to see a doctor about this. FML

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By Oreo

Today, my dad and stepmom came back from a very expensive two-month trip across the world. When they got home, they had more gifts for their cat than for me. FML

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By wtfisthisworldcomingto

Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. All throughout, some guy kept making weird sounds and breathing deeply. Midway through the movie, he got even louder. Just as I was about to snap, chunks of vomit sprayed over my chair and shoulders. FML

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By jkass - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by the police. The cop was my ex-boyfriend. He had no legitimate reason to pull me over, so he thoroughly checked my car. He gave me a defect notice and a fine. What for? A broken door lock, on my rear passenger door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 5 years back. Still bitter, I said, "Hey baby, you remember riding me 5 years ago?" I was then punched in the face and restrained until the police arrived. She'd been having an 8 year anniversary dinner with her husband. FML

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By chuchie - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 month old nephew who hasn't pooped in 2 days according to his mom. Well, he pooped. I accidentally stuck my finger in it. While I was wiping my finger off, he rolls over and pees on my new carpet. I roll him over to clean the pee and he opened fire and pooped again. FML

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By Kimberly - France

Today, I realized that I lie to my friends online and go "offline" for hours at a time so it appears that I have a life outside of the internet. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. His hot co-worker came to have a beer with us, and I knew my best friend would think he was gorgeous. I wanted to take a picture of him without knowing, so i tried to hold up my phone and pretend to be texting. The flash went off. FML

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By jack

Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad let me borrow his phone while I wait for mine to get back from the shop. I guess he forgot to pass the news along, because within 4 hours I'd received a picture of my mom's tits. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was at a wedding reception with loud music. A guy told me that his sister couldn't be there because she "went home to be with her boy." I said, "That's too bad, she's missing a great party." He paused and repeated, "She went home to be with her LORD." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my Mum has spent the money she's been saving for my wedding on moving house. She called saving for a wedding for me a 'pointless cause' as it's probably never going to happen now. I'm only 22. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my doctor died. Last week, after a check up I'd had because I was worried about a cough, he told me not to worry because I was as healthy as he was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, let's just say it's not a good sign when your plumber yells "What the fuck?!" That is, unless you actually like your kitchen being swamped by sewage. FML

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By Anonymous - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, a package was delivered to my house, addressed to me, clearly marked "sexual health products". Inside were condoms, birth control pills, and an invoice made out to me. My parents went ballistic and grounded me. Whoever staged this "hilarious" prank: well played, asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Grand Falls

Today, I was at the beach. I'd recently decided to try the "life hack" where you empty out a bottle of lotion and hide small valuables in it, to avoid them being stolen. I'd put the bottle in my bag. Instead of stealing stuff from inside it, though, someone just stole the whole bag. FML

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By Celina - United States

Today, I have -$700 in my current account, $500 from overdraft fees because I spent money they told me I had. I don't get paid till the 15th and when I cash in my paycheck all of it will go to bringing me even. So the $9 I found in my wallet this morning will have to last me untill the 30th. FML

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By stabbed with kindness - Russian Federation - Elektrostal

Today, on the way home, a guy yelled "Hey, YOU!" from behind me, so I walked faster. He ran up to me, shouting, "I said stop, asshole!" I almost pissed myself in fear, thinking I was being mugged. Turns out I'd left my wallet at the grocery store, and he was just trying to return it. FML

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By Spelit - United States

Today, I finished painting my living room. I had to leave the house in a rush. When I got home, I found smears of paint all around and the carpet crusted with paint that had dried. My cat had rubbed up against the walls and tracked it around. FML

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By prinzess - Germany

Today, I said to my wife that I wished I had met her 20 years ago. Her response was, "Twenty years ago I had beautiful tits and many options, I wouldn't have even looked at you." FML

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By CyberPsycho - United States - Nashville

Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

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By bigmouth - United States

Today, I was working as a host at a pasta dinner. The hostess I was working with was very attractive and we were flirting quite a bit. A large woman walked in to be seated, and I leaned over to her and dared her to ask the woman if she wanted two chairs. She leaned back and said "that's my mom". FML

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By beccaj_ilh - United Kingdom

Today, while I was working in a bar, a very fat drunk guy kept flirting with me. He assumed I liked him because I kept blushing. I didn’t. It’s just been so long since anyone flirted with me that I apparently now cannot control my reactions if a man talks to me. FML

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By hdat - Canada

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

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By danesy - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to school. It was around 6:30am and I was listening to music and catching up on homework. When I took my headphones off to readjust them, I heard some grunting. I looked over at the man across from me to see he was masturbating. FML

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By JennyPenny - United States - Lawrence

Today, I found out that even though your brother agrees to watch your dogs for a week, it does not mean that he will pick up after them. Apparently, it's okay to leave piss and shit all over the deck and floors because they're not his dogs and he shouldn't have to clean up their messes. FML

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By dawg - United States - Stuart

Today, I found out that the "IRS scam" that I ignored last week was actually not a scam, and now I have a warrant out for me. FML

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By emonsteadman - United States - Denton

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I offered to help my mother-in-law boil noodles for some noodle soup. She loudly said, "You know how!?" I'm a chef. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy

Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous, and not thinking, I made comments that included the words "killing", "dying", and "death". I'm a rubbish support system. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norcross

Today, I had a formal complaint filed against me for being outrageously rude to a customer. All I did was tell a customer that she couldn't use food stamps at the movie theater. FML

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By Hoobfoob

Today, my car was totaled. It was so new, I haven't even made the first payment on it yet. FML

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By Lily - Austria - Vienna

Today, my doctor informed me that the tests we've been doing the previous months show no sign of leukemia. I was just about to express my relief when he casually followed up with, "Never mind, there's still a lot of other blood-related diseases we need to look out for." FML

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By crashednowcrushed - United States

Today, was my 16th birthday and I was supposed to be surprised with a new car. I have overheard my parents talking about bringing it home tonight while I was at a friend's house. We snuck back to my house to see them bring my car home. All I saw was my Dad crash my new car into a street lamp. FML

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By Anonymous - Russian Federation

Today, at my job in a chemists, I had a customer ask me which acne cream I would recommend. I picked up the brand I use and told her that I've been using it for a year now. After pausing to stare at my face for a second, she thanked me and picked up the competing brand instead. FML

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By Taraa3 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came to wake me up with some flowers and breakfast in bed. We started getting intimate, after a short while, there was a knock. We looked out of the window and there was the window cleaner with his thumbs up and grinning. FML

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Top comments

By Comrox | 19

#6501156 - Monday 4 January 2016 9:39

Personally I wouldn't see that as a good idea when other people are present... YDI

By paperbag77 | 9

#6501162 - Monday 4 January 2016 9:54

short of having sex on a mirror how the hell do you know what your own orgasm face looks like

COMMENTS

By exoticDeath | 20

#6501155 - Monday 4 January 2016 9:38

Should've made sure that no one was looking??

By Comrox | 19

#6501156 - Monday 4 January 2016 9:39

Personally I wouldn't see that as a good idea when other people are present... YDI

By Theokholes | 14

#6501157 - Monday 4 January 2016 9:41

Tell the kid he'll never be able to give a girl that face. Destroy his dreams

abnormaalz | 7

#6501166 - Monday 4 January 2016 10:05

why that he did'nt do anything wrong....

Theokholes | 14

#6501204 - Monday 4 January 2016 12:07

for the lolz of course, the kid will not remember what she said anyway so

pizzas_awesome | 18

#6501205 - Monday 4 January 2016 12:15

He's 13. I still remember stuff from when I was 5.

Theokholes | 14

#6501449 - Monday 4 January 2016 18:43

But why would the kid give a fuck ? It's just a joke and the kid is already mocking her so it would be a sweet revenge

IchigoDeathGod | 14

#6501570 - Monday 4 January 2016 21:01

That'd be funny

By cheeeksss | 29

#6501158 - Monday 4 January 2016 9:42

Is it better that he finds it funny rather than being sexually attracted to you after seeing that face of yours...?

By mds9986 | 24

#6501159 - Monday 4 January 2016 9:43

How would his 13 year old cousin know that was your orgasm face and not just a random funny face?

pancakebunny | 19

#6502354 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 18:49

Thats exactly what i thought

nixbling | 10

#6536750 - Sunday 14 February 2016 17:55

because he is a young horny teenage who has probably discovered porn by now, or at least wanked it once or twice.

By Candijpg | 17

#6501160 - Monday 4 January 2016 9:44

I hope you weren't planning to do the dirty in the same house as the 13 year old

Limeila | 10

#6501173 - Monday 4 January 2016 10:36

Right, I guess people can't touch each other anymore once they have a kid. Oh wait, why are there so many people with siblings?

cloudyface | 23

#6501291 - Monday 4 January 2016 15:13

Because she wouldn't do a good job making sure no one is around before they do it

nixbling | 10

#6536751 - Sunday 14 February 2016 17:56

it was his cousin tho, not their own kid. she probably wasn't expecting to see him there.

By paperbag77 | 9

#6501162 - Monday 4 January 2016 9:54

short of having sex on a mirror how the hell do you know what your own orgasm face looks like

AyeJay101 | 25

#6501164 - Monday 4 January 2016 9:56

Guessing they got kinky one day and made a video

whysobeachy | 37

#6501426 - Monday 4 January 2016 18:14

I've never watched myself orgasm, but I have a fair idea of how my face contorts when I do. So, maybe that's how OP knows her orgasm face?

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6501163 - Monday 4 January 2016 9:56

"O" no!

lexred | 30

#6501191 - Monday 4 January 2016 11:40

what an intelligent comment to make!

Levvy | 22

#6501929 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 6:04

Aw, lexred, no need to be so sarcastic with yourself.

By tbangazak3 | 7

#6501165 - Monday 4 January 2016 9:57

That was dumb

By evanmurphy | 14

#6501169 - Monday 4 January 2016 10:13

It's your fault for randomly making your orgasm face. You won't be getting my sympathy as you created this "problem"

YDI.