Work: Today, I was at a big meeting at work. The CEO was reaming the... - FML

By screwedupfuck - United States - Lowell

Today, I was at a big meeting at work. The CEO was reaming the hell out of us for our recent poor profits, when I accidentally let rip a vile fart. I was then subjected to a 10 minute tirade of abuse for "trying to be a funny man", and told that whatever small chance I had for a promotion is now gone. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

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You hear me?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I invited my very animal phobic boyfriend over. I have a dog and a rabbit, who are always well behaved so I insisted they wouldn't do him any harm. My dog peed all over his shoes and my rabbit furiously humped his leg and wouldn't let go. He's now even more terrified of animals. FML

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By skrumpp

Today, I had a text message when I woke up. I was excited as I usually don't get texts from people. Turns out it was from T-Mobile. They text me more than actual people do. FML

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By mother to an ugly doll - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my car window got smashed, because someone somehow confused the doll my daughter always leaves strapped into a carseat for an actual kid. It's a cabbage patch kid. FML

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By sorejecteditmakesmewannacry - France - Poissy

Today, I asked a cute guy for his number but instead he gave it to my gay friend. When my friend later called him, it turned out that he'd given him his number just to get rid of me and wasn't expecting him to call. FML

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By Fml37 - Canada

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told everyone I queef during sex. Even his parents are calling me "Cooter Pooter." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roseville

Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML

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By KaLa - Canada

Today, I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? "Thanks." FML

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By Why Me? - United States - Scranton

Today, I found out that I have a highly irrational fear of little people. I made this self discovery when my mother introduced the family to her new fiancé. FML

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By lonergirl - Australia

Today, after being with the company for over 3 years, I realised nobody really knows my name. This was after my boss was walking around a new staff member and couldn't introduce me. Neither could my colleague, who's been sitting next to me for the last 6 months. FML

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By creeped - United States

Today, I was talking to the guy that has been in love with me for two years. He said "There is a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. It would be a shame to lose yours." He then creepily looked at me and said "It's true." Thanks, Princess Bride, for supplying creepers with material. FML

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By hallofail - United States - Birmingham

Today, I dressed up like a pirate, dressed my dog as a parrot and bought $30 worth of candy to pass out to trick-or-treaters. I waited by the door for 3 hours. Not one kid came. FML

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By well i'm fucked - United States - Aberdeen

Today, my girlfriend of three weeks basically threatened to kill herself if I don't start thinking about having a child with her soon. FML

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By ZeldaovaPeach - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a taxi to my hotel. I specifically said that my destination was the Hilton resort. He took me to a bed and breakfast across town. When I finally got to my hotel, I cursed him out and didn't give him a tip. I then realized I'd left my phone in the taxi after he left. FML

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By wellfuck - United States - Lexington

Today, I realized I get more pleasure watching YouTube videos of people lighting their farts on fire than I do from making love to my husband. FML

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By maddy - United States

Today, I had pancakes for breakfast, and without realizing it, I got syrup in my hair. After breakfast, I went to straighten my hair, only to burn the syrup and have it get stuck in my hair. There was no time to shower and it smelled. FML

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By whoops - United States - Vincennes

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar of wrinkle cream from a market research company, and an ad from a funeral home. FML

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By spekledworf - United States - Wrentham

Today, I discovered why the milk in my house has a funny, sweet taste. My family has been pouring the leftover milk from their cereal back into the carton. FML

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By SadSister:( - United States

Today, I was in the car with my 4-year-old sister and our puppy. Suddenly, she blurted out from the backseat, "I don't love you anymore." Shocked, I asked her to repeat herself. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "The puppy doesn't love you either." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, I was at Petsmart with my puppy. Someone tried to pet him. I tried to warn the guy that he is a rescue and doesn't trust easily. He didn't listen and now wants to sue me for a dog bite that didn't even break the skin. FML

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By loser - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my guy friends actually hang out with me at my house all the time is because they think my mom is hot. FML

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By thatgirl - United States

Today, I went on a date with a respectable, successful, polite, and attractive guy. Ten minutes into the conversation, I find out he's a neo-Nazi and earned a swastika tattoo in prison for "something shady." FML

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By Wrabel - Germany - Mainz

Today, I received a package from Amazon. My mum smiled at me when I entered the living room, pointing to my package. She had already opened it and held back her smile. My penis pills for longer endurance just got delivered. FML

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By 1suckatL1fe - United States

Today, I sent everyone a text on my phone book saying, "Happy Star Wars Day!!! May the Fourth be with you!!" I forgot to uncheck my ex-girlfriend's number. She texted back, "One of the many reasons I broke up with you." FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

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By reallydevonte - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the eye doctor with my little brother. There were only three chairs and one was occupied by a woman. I sat at the far end, but as soon as I sat down, I heard my little brother yell out loud, "I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE FAT LADY!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend prays before and after sex, because he thinks he'll keep his abstinence by doing so. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a thumb tack came out of one of my posters on my wall. The sole of my foot had the pleasure of finding it. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work when a cute guy came up to me and said he liked my shirt. In a desperate attempt to say something back, I said, "Thanks, I like your shoelaces." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 02:00

Fresh air

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my entire family of five is sharing one roll of toilet paper. My parents refuse to buy any, because my father can get it free from his work. He's forgotten to bring any home every day without fail for the past seven days. FML

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By missy - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was held in airport security because I'd "threatened" an employee. He had confiscated my eyelash curler and jokingly I asked if he thought I was going to curl him to death. He didn't laugh. FML

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By TowelSinger

Today, I was at a choir convention, and everyone sings the national anthem outside their rooms each night. I was not informed and took a shower. My roommates opened the door, yanked me out, and locked me out of the room to sing wearing just a towel. The guy down the hall was video taping it. FML

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By bitchsawmebuyit - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, I realized the dress I bought yesterday still had the security tag on. I returned to the store to get it removed, only to realize my receipt was misplaced. The lady at the counter thought I stole it, called security, and had me escorted out, dress-less. FML

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By kha - United States

Today, I decided to surprise-visit my grandparents. After knocking on the door and not getting a response, I opened it and walked in. Upon entering their house and yelling, "Hello", as I turned the corner I saw my near-deaf grandmother folding clothes while watching TV. She was topless. FML

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By weldingmachine217 - United States - Blanchard

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

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Top comments

By Nordrag | 26

#6245524 - Saturday 28 March 2015 8:25

If I were in that room I'm not sure I would have been able to contain my laughter. Farts in tense situations are always funny.

By hkhan24 | 23

#6245535 - Saturday 28 March 2015 8:31

you were probably not gonna get a promotion anyway if your profits are that poor..

COMMENTS

By Nordrag | 26

#6245524 - Saturday 28 March 2015 8:25

If I were in that room I'm not sure I would have been able to contain my laughter. Farts in tense situations are always funny.

By spatula232 | 25

#6245532 - Saturday 28 March 2015 8:29

OP blew that one

Reply

Bigsam1514 | 14

#6245877 - Saturday 28 March 2015 18:56

Out the ass

Reply

Awesomeironman2 | 15

#6453325 - Wednesday 4 November 2015 16:40

*Spongebob narrator voice* Several bad puns later...

By hkhan24 | 23

#6245535 - Saturday 28 March 2015 8:31

you were probably not gonna get a promotion anyway if your profits are that poor..

By Timpa70 | 18

#6245537 - Saturday 28 March 2015 8:32

Your boss needs to let some farts out.

By babe7260 | 30

#6245539 - Saturday 28 March 2015 8:33

i was told that the average person passes gas around 17 times a day, pretty sad if you lose out on a promotion because of a natural fluff, that happens to everyone on the planet :-(

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Brandi_Faith | 33

#6245615 - Saturday 28 March 2015 11:08

I completely agree. Op, maybe wait a day or two until your boss calms down a bit, then explain to him that you weren't feeling great and in no way was trying to be funny. Tell him you physically couldn't hold it in any longer, as much as you tried. Also tell him that you plan on working on your profits and would still like to be considered for any promotion that becomes available. Then work your butt off and prove to him that you're the best guy for any promotion that comes up. Good luck Op!

Reply

archnarquibquib | 21

#6245804 - Saturday 28 March 2015 16:50

#20 I have a feeling that if he even tried to excuse himself the boss would have berated him anyway.

By momac86 | 17

#6245548 - Saturday 28 March 2015 8:42

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Jdlove2 | 20

#6246336 - Sunday 29 March 2015 5:57

Haha

Reply

bingalingading | 12

#6248006 - Monday 30 March 2015 22:36

...how original.

By jjmack34 | 15

#6245553 - Saturday 28 March 2015 8:45

Nervous farting is a serious condition.

By ghetto_child | 19

#6245554 - Saturday 28 March 2015 8:49

just turn your head and stare at the person next to you in disgust and try to pass the blame on them

By abNormal62 | 23

#6245558 - Saturday 28 March 2015 8:53

So what you are saying is you were ripped a new one....twice?

By whassallt26 | 13

#6245559 - Saturday 28 March 2015 8:53

At least you didn't shit yourself...