By CreepedOut - United States

Run away time!

Today, I walked into a subway car which was empty except for this sleeping hobo. Three stops later, the guy wakes up and starts peeing in the corner. I ignore it thinking he'll go back to sleep. Silly me, I didn't realize that he would start running towards me, still peeing. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

I don't wanna

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

By I love L - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I woke up panting and drenched in sweat from a horrible nightmare. I'd been dreaming that bright, colored shapes were falling from the sky and I couldn't make them all neatly align with one another on the ground. I guess I should stop playing so much Tetris before bed. FML

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By whattabrat - Canada

Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was called into my first day of work as a cashier. Not even 30 minutes into training, my boss had already "accidentally" touched my ass 7 times. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, at work, I took an order from a stuck-up sounding lady over the phone. She said her last name was "duckling, but with an F". Bemused, I wrote her name on the order. When she arrived to pick it up later, she told me she'd said "s", not "f". FML

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By unknown

Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML

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By charlie043 - United States

Today, I met my fiancée's parents for the first time. Her dad was telling me how he's not rich but not poor either. I replied, "Well, as long as you're not a garbage man!" Guess what his profession is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, I found out the real reason my dad bought a new car and generously gave me his old one. He knew the engine was about to fail and didn't want it to be his problem when it finally did. It blew out while I was driving at high speed on the motorway. Just my luck. FML

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By Éponine - 12/6/2020 17:03

Miserable

Today, as an aspiring performer, I tried to practice crying on demand by singing "A Little Fall of Rain" and "On My Own" from Les Misérables. It was all going well, until my nose started running uncontrollably and no tears actually came out of my eyes. Maybe acting isn't for me. FML

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By Lunar-Spice

Today, I asked one of the girls at work out on a date. She responded by filing a harassment complaint. Now, I can't speak to her at all without being written up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I don't know what's worse, the fact that my hair sheds so much, or the fact that I find most of it in my butt crack. FML

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By Ugly - United States - Jerseyville

Today, I went to my high school reunion. Someone walked up to me and said, "Wow, you look so different!" She then followed it up with, "You used to be so pretty, what happened?" FML

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By madisonbubch - United States - Vine Grove

Today, I got home from a long day at work, hoping to just fix dinner and relax, only to find that my cat had come into the house with a rabbit, and is now stuck underneath the cabinet. FML

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By likwidsol - United States

Today, walking to work in a snowstorm since I don't own a car, a man rolled down his window and screamed, "what are you doing you f***ing freak? you stupid b**ch!", while I waited for a green light to cross. FML

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By xxxkkxxx - Hong Kong

Today, my parents took me on a plane ride for a vacation in Hong Kong. What they didn't tell me was that the "vacation" is extended for three years. FML

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By Dgama - United States - Baltimore

Today, I went to see my new boyfriend play in a band. I found out that groupies don't like even bass players having girlfriends. I was attacked by one because he smiled at me from the stage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML

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By brit - United States

Today, I was listening to my favorite radio station outta Detroit. A commercial came on for a program that was giving federal grants to people who were going into a trade, like me. Right as I was getting excited I heard the words "brought to you by the government of Canada." FML

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By SwaggyP

Today, we got the IQ test results back, which show our daughter is on the high end of the genius scale. This confirms what my wife and I have long feared: our 6-year-old is FAR smarter than we are. No wonder she wins all the arguments we have. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 23:00

Candid camera

Today, I prominently touched my boobs and put my hand inside my shirt to adjust my bra… all while I had my camera on during a Zoom meeting with the whole department FML

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By crawfo - Australia

Today, whilst on a date I recieved my sixth missed call from my mother. I excused myself and went outside and called her, she and my father wanted to know why I was having dinner and holding hands with another man. It turns out they were also on a date. At the same place. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, as I was walking back inside I noticed my mop leaning on the wall next to my door. I picked it up and started slow dancing with it, imagining it was the girl I'm in love with. I didn't notice my neighbours bunched up at their window laughing. FML

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By lil123 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend wrote a song for me. As he was singing it to me I realized it was actually a breakup song. FML

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By lilrudegirl - France

Today, I found out that after working in the same office for five years, I now work with three of my husband's ex-girlfriends. FML

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By someoneneedsassistance - United States - Woodford

Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML

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By sochunky - United Kingdom - Bromham

Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML

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By Anon Y. Mous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned what being stabbed in the leg by an ex feels like. FML

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By epicsandwichartist - United States

Today, while working at a sandwich shop, we had a shortage and could only put so many veggies on one sandwich. I explained this to one man who was grumpy about it, but kept on ordering. I thought everything went well. He thought my face was a good target to launch his completed sandwich at. FML

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By ew - United States - San Antonio

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

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By Creep - United States

Today, I discovered my new plug-in air freshener smells exactly like my ex-boyfriend's cologne. My friends noticed this, and nobody will believe me when I say it smelled different on the scratch-and-sniff. Now I'm considered a creep. A nostalgic, obsessed creep. FML

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By love and tolerape, apparently - India - Jamshedpur

Today, after a 7 year dry spell, I finally got laid. The downside? It was in my dreams and involved a character from My Little Pony forcing itself on me. Now I hate that fucking stupid show more than ever. FML

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By soccerbooty - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to plan our wedding. He included a clown. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally found out where my great grandmother's antique handheld mirror disappeared to. According to the headmaster, my eleven year old son has been using it to look up his classmates' dresses at school. FML

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By Unreasonable - United Kingdom - Bath

Bridezilla vs. the Coronavirus

Today, I received a threatening DM from my so-called best friend, telling me that she wouldn't be calling off her wedding next week, despite everyone telling her to postpone due for health and safety reasons, and would claw my eyes out if I stayed in quarantine with my sick mum instead of coming. FML

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By JustSayNo - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I found out why my doctor told me not to mix pain killers with alcohol when I was told that last night I tried to convince a group of teenage tourists that I was one of the nitwits from One Direction, and then got miffed when they laughed at me. FML

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By Ashlee - United States

Today, while on a date with my boyfriend, he broke up with me. The reason why? Because I took a dump in his bathroom and "that's inappropriate for girls." FML

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By biotch - United States

Today, as a volunteer at the local daycare, I was with 3 and 4 year olds. They thought it would be funny to trip me and then jump on my back. I hit my elbow hard on the ground. A bunch of pre-schoolers beat me up. FML

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By WhyMe

Today, I woke up approximately half a nanosecond after my dog involuntarily vomited in bed. On my face. I opened my mouth because it literally filled my nose. I swallowed out of reflex before I was fully awake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dalton

Today, I announced to my family that I got accepted into Harvard. My grandma laughed and muttered, "Liar." FML

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By mrnikc - United States

Knowledge is power

Today, my mother told me the sun was the largest planet in the solar system. When I told her it was a star, she accused me of lying. We had to bring Google into this. FML

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By UGGGH that was my 2nd attempt too - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I took my driver's test. The woman administering it wouldn't even look at me, so trying to be friendly I said the first thing I could think of: "It must be scary getting in the car with someone you don't know!" She failed me for "excessive chatting." FML

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Top comments

By Angeledice | 0

#928384 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:18

Did you kick him in the balls? ^^

By Philosophic | 0

#928497 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:59

YDI for looking like an urinal.

COMMENTS

By curlgirl1311 | 0

#928378 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:17

ewww! that really sucks! :(

Reply

Frank155 | 5

#928454 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:38

It does, yes...

Reply

Philosophic | 0

#928497 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:59

YDI for looking like an urinal.

Reply

The_Norwegian | 2

#928567 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 13:30

WIN.

Reply

shadow33456 | 1

#928679 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 14:23

ydi for not letting him pee on you

Reply

Jdelakas | 0

#928693 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 14:26

you let people pee on the subway? gosh silly yanks. here our subways are clean.

Reply

st0n333d | 0

#928701 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 14:30

silly forginers we piss everywhere! besides we make up for good dental care and taxes ^_^. ( as of now till congress passes obamanations bill )

Reply

Prototype12 | 0

#928736 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 14:44

I had a 8-legged cow run after me once while it was still eating a 4 year old kid. True Story

Reply

woofis | 0

#928847 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 15:29

hobos ftw

Reply

Cristaderzi | 0

#929101 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 16:39

We dont let anything: Its just when those crazies pull a knife or gun then hey its not my subway after all so why should I die for it LOL

Reply

MetroidSlayer01 | 8

#929243 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 17:24

@35, are you by any chance suggesting that the fine users of fml would ever post a fake story? that is rediculous good sir.

Reply

princess09 | 3

#929367 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 18:12

what does ftw means?

Reply

princess09 | 3

#929396 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 18:25

lol I doubt it means that, but u still made me laugh :-)

Reply

princess09 | 3

#929524 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 19:40

oOo ok thanxx

Reply

bhangu023 | 0

#929540 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 19:52

o punch to the face is all it takes

Reply

TapeMan_3000 | 0

#929891 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 22:01

lol the british guy. no we don't "let" people do it, but stuff happens. that's like saying "in
my country, we don't let people steal stuff, so it never happens cause they aren't allowed too!"

Reply

bbuba | 0

#929931 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 22:18

@31
lol at obamanations bill

Reply

DonkeyDelight | 0

#930218 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 23:40

31, I really hope you know that's a stereotype. The dental in other places than the States is absoloutely fine, you tart.

Reply

__ShAd0w__ | 0

#930311 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 0:03

@35 epic

Reply

kmdfirefox | 0

#930428 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 0:36

@13 LOL

Reply

dave666_fml | 0

#930566 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 1:13

WIN #35

Reply

SeedlessMe | 13

#931033 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 3:43

Yeah, sadly I knew it was NY before i looked.. Gotta love it, it's the city where there is NEVER a boring night out.

Reply

M4V3R1CKR13 | 0

#931173 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 4:32

did u get a 5 doller foot long all over ur face

Reply

deathcab7 | 0

#931187 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 4:36

ew . what a derranged fellow hobo. i would scream and run away! or kick him. whatever works :P

Reply

Raiden353 | 0

#931575 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 7:33

#13 epic win!

Also maybe you should've peed on the hobo. That would've showed him!

Reply

llcooljoey | 0

#934273 - Thursday 11 March 2010 2:19

ydi for being silly :)

Reply

charlie_schmidt4 | 0

#961071 - Thursday 18 March 2010 5:34

LOL

Reply

DisappearingRose | 18

#1265598 - Thursday 19 August 2010 0:32

lmao 13

Reply

Mrfuzzypenguin11 | 0

#2239660 - Friday 25 March 2011 15:08

Free Tinky Winky FTW!

Reply

jonmansheppard | 9

#2870002 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 0:07

kick him in the balls while you see them xD

By JayJayAudy | 0

#928379 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:18

first

By ladyme_fml | 0

#928381 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:18

yuck

Reply

epicfailburger | 0

#928756 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 14:52

Today, I was sleeping and I suddenly woke up and had too pee. I pissed in the corner and I suddenly wanted to give the person there a hi five. as I was running towards them, I forgot to "put up my drawbridge"

Reply

sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#929291 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 17:38

13 ftw

Reply

FMLydiLOL | 0

#931413 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 6:01

36 ftw

By Angeledice | 0

#928384 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:18

Did you kick him in the balls? ^^

Reply

xXSc3n1cXx | 0

#928451 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:37

that shoulda been the first thing to happen

Reply

AznWaffle8 | 0

#929875 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 21:50

If he did that, then it would fly EVERYWHERE...
And who knows how dirty hobos can be?

Reply

Kamens | 0

#931122 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 4:19

#73 WIN

By MakaPaka_fml | 0

#928399 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:22

did he pee ON you?

By Rustbin | 0

#928413 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:25

Because they are rebels and don't do that conformist stuff

By Sirin_fml | 46

#928420 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:26

I suspect the OP called the bum's grandmother a GILF, questioned his Hobo ancestry, smashed a vodka bottle over his own head, and things just followed on naturally from there. Hence, YDI.

That or the trolls are out this morning.

By SephoraSocialite | 0

#928487 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:55

yeah the rebels think probably ydi you went into the subway. you're just fucking living your life out and shit happens out of your control- sorry OP but that definitely dampens the day specially if they peed on you.

Reply

evilpieboy | 0

#928513 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 13:04

lol... dampens... lmao... ahhh thats such a terible pun but i still laughed at it

By CYNNER | 0

#928499 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:59

Nothing like getting a golden shower on the subway. (^.^)

By shakenbake93 | 0

#928502 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 12:59

Don't you just love the crazy hobos.