Today, I walked 2 miles to the store, filled my cart with groceries,... - FML

By IamHM - 24/10/2015 18:04 - United States

Today, I walked 2 miles to the store, filled my cart with groceries, and got to the cashier only to find I had forgotten my wallet. I tried to explain but got the nastiest stank-eye from the cashier, the manager and everyone in line behind me. I walked 2 miles home, hungry and embarrassed. FML

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Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Business savvy

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By ikungfuyou - 27/12/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me whacking off. FML

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By Broke - 4/12/2013 08:27 - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

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By AyoitsSteveo - 24/5/2009 09:49 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 year old skinny girl and I'm 17 year old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML

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By Melinie - 24/6/2012 03:23 - United States

Today, I found an empty parking space in a crowded parking lot. When I came back later, a lady and a cop were standing by my car. Her car used to be parked there and got stolen. They think I'm involved. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 23:29 - United Kingdom - Cannock

Today, thanks to the unholy power of autocorrect, I told my mother-in-law that "crispy dick" is on the menu tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2016 17:19 - United States

Today, I went on a camping trip. I already had a bad back, and then the guy in charge took us on a hike. My shoes were too small, and now I'm hobbling around with a bad back and foot. Every time I limp, it hurts my back, but if I walk normally, it hurts my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. As a joke, my professor used an airhorn to wake me up. I got so freaked out that I punched the girl next to me in the face. She got knocked out. FML

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By thisistypical - 14/9/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband said he loaned to his "mother" actually went to the purchase of new lingerie for the woman he's cheating on me with. I just got the bill from the department store. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend, some of my friends decided to take me to a comedy club for a girls night. My friend's jealous husband decided he had to come along, then decided to invite my other friends' boyfriends. I ended up being the seventh wheel on a night meant to cheer me up. FML

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By Blöde Gans - 25/11/2014 16:14 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, my mom booked a family trip to Sweden. This would be great, if she hadn't asked me to tell our former German exchange student that we were coming to visit her in Germany. She was thrilled. Now I have to be the one to let her down. FML

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By Noname - 18/3/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class during a boring economics lecture. I heard a whisper say "Rise and shine sleeping beauty." I thought it was my boyfriend, so i responded "Baby, what time is it? When is this F*ing class going to be over!?" it wasnt my boyfriend talking, it was my teacher. FML

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By Noname - 18/2/2009 15:43 - United States

Today, I was secretly listening to a voicemail from my mom in maths class when I accidentally hit the speaker phone button. My whole math class now knows I have a gyno appointment at 9:45 on March 11. FML

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By elle - 23/5/2011 10:17

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2015 05:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I washed all the dishes and cups from the family dinner last night and put them away. When my wife saw, she had a mini OCD breakdown and yelled at me because the cups weren't lined up with each other with the handles aligned and the flower pictures facing out left. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2019 00:01

A Different Kind of Tension

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with once before my current boyfriend. The guy told me he has chlamydia, and I should probably get tested. I had to call my boyfriend to explain what happened and tell him to get tested. I'm meeting his family this weekend at his sister's wedding. FML

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By backseatbusted - 21/5/2013 16:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate in the backseat of his car, when a police car pulled up behind us. My mom later told me that intimacy was fine, just not in a car. We were in the car because she told me that intimacy was fine, just not in her house. FML

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By babygurl69 - 20/1/2009 21:38 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 00:10 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I decided to conquer my fear of blades, and tried shaving my legs with a razor. I sat on the side of my bathtub and wet my legs, but some of the water splashed. I slipped on it and fell back, hitting my head on the tile wall and slicing my leg open at the same time. FML

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By presente13 - 17/5/2013 04:35 - United States

Today, my family and friends decided to throw a surprise party for my 16th birthday. I was so surprised that the shortness of breath triggered a serious asthma attack. FML

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By lover21 - 8/5/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, while working at my tanning salon, a woman came in and I put her in a booth, which are all stand up. After she comes out, I go in to clean it and realize that floor is all wet. I questioned her about it and she replies, "Oh, I peed, that's not a drain?". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2013 20:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to the pool with my son. One moment I'm sitting down, applying sunscreen to my legs, and the next I look up to see him squatting on the diving board, seconds before dropping a deuce into the pool. As we got kicked out, he screamed that it was my fault. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 11:45 - United States - Monroe

Today, after sending in my passport application for a trip to Paris, I got a letter from the state department saying despite them having my original birth certificate, I don't exist. Upon calling them, I was told that it only proves I'm a citizen, not that I exist. I pay taxes and have a mortgage. FML

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By anonymous - 4/10/2017 20:51

Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 01:31 - United States - Westfield

Today, my older brother called me ugly, and so I used the classic comeback ''It's not nice to talk about yourself like that." He responded by cutting the strings to my violin. FML

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By 092492 - 5/3/2011 21:53 - United States

Today, I was finally able to get up and take a shit after being bedridden due to my knee surgery. I had diarrhea and because I can't properly bend my knee, I can't wipe my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2013 19:47 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2016 15:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer filed a complaint against me because my coworker took too long to do a price check. I hate my job. FML

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By Mamaofdrama - 6/4/2019 18:00

Today, I was working on potty training my daughter. She opened the fridge while I wasn't looking and peed all over the lower shelf. FML

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By nikaea - 23/5/2014 22:44 - United States - Everett

Today, some girl's mom gave me a load of abuse for endangering her daughter's health. How? By deleting my Facebook account, which caused her to have a serious panic attack. Apparently she thought we were best friends, and that I was ditching her. I'm confused too. FML

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By cek4uytp - 25/6/2011 06:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML

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By Josie - 5/6/2012 04:27 - United States - Florence

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend. There's a short cut to my house by jumping a fence but he insisted that we take the long way because, "Girls don't jump fences." To prove him wrong, I jumped the fence. I fell and broke my leg. FML

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By newbornphotog - 3/5/2016 13:20 - Germany - Berchtesgaden

Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

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By guy - 30/7/2012 03:24 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I was taking a walk when I noticed an elderly man on the ground, unmoving. Being a registered nurse, I tried to give him CPR. As my lips touched his, he hacked a loogie and spat it into the back of my throat. I swallowed. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my 7-year-old cousin has been having raging temper tantrums, added to an inability to tell the truth, and a disturbingly sociopathic nature. I'm pretty sure I'm seeing a psychopath in the making, and I'm stuck living here for 2 months. FML

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By - 11/3/2019 22:00

Today, I organized a party at my place, invited 20 people, bought snacks and cancelled my workout. Nobody showed up. I ended up eating a whole ciabatta alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2013 23:58 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML

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By fuck florida - 16/5/2014 19:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my mom showing her friends that she can deepthroat a banana. That's something I could've lived a long and happy life without seeing. FML

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By safetyfirst - 14/7/2010 15:17 - Taiwan

Gift for you

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2012 22:09 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML

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By ElectroSpecter - 23/2/2019 14:00

Today, I went to get a haircut. I have a pretty bad case of dandruff, so whenever I get one, a lot of it shows. My hairstylist called to her nearby friend twice, then looked at my hair and said, "Blech" under her breath. I got glares when I walked out. FML

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Top comments

By juicy_extasy | 25

#6444126 - Sunday 25 October 2015 16:16

Been there OP. Have a sticky note on your door to remind to check for the essentials before ever leaving home

By MsConfusedd | 27

#6444129 - Sunday 25 October 2015 16:19

Sounds like it's time for a pizza delivery.

COMMENTS

By juicy_extasy | 25

#6444126 - Sunday 25 October 2015 16:16

Been there OP. Have a sticky note on your door to remind to check for the essentials before ever leaving home

Reply

friday9733 | 11

#6444172 - Sunday 25 October 2015 17:12

Gotta give yourself a pat down when you leave. Wallet, phone, keys.

Reply

wobbly1 | 16

#6444429 - Monday 26 October 2015 0:10

do the sign of the cross before you leave. spectical, testicals, wallet and phone. .Don't leave home without them.

By may14th | 26

#6444128 - Sunday 25 October 2015 16:18

It's only annoying for the employees because they have to put everything back. it's nothing personal, don't be embarrassed!

Reply

GigaPudding_fml | 24

#6444340 - Sunday 25 October 2015 21:10

I agree! Nothing to be embarrassed about, I bet they were all feeling sorry for you. And let's just hope OP wasn't going to buy a lot of things that you pack yourself, like fruit and such.

Reply

lukian_fml | 29

#6444648 - Monday 26 October 2015 3:58

They don't have to put everything back. Ask them to hold it for you while you go get your money!

Reply

TheCrazier | 3

#6445455 - Monday 26 October 2015 22:27

i used to work at a grocery store and that was pretty common but it creates jobs. we literally had a position to do that all day. its like reverse shopping

Reply

Herrera239 | 8

#6445802 - Tuesday 27 October 2015 7:39

Some stuff can't be put back like refrigerated items it has to be thrown out

By MsConfusedd | 27

#6444129 - Sunday 25 October 2015 16:19

Sounds like it's time for a pizza delivery.

Reply

LilMissCanadian | 22

#6444362 - Sunday 25 October 2015 21:42

Couldn't have come up with a better solution.

Reply

anonymuse_fml | 31

#6444364 - Sunday 25 October 2015 21:43

When is it not time for a pizza delivery?

Reply

9onbreak78 | 11

#6449578 - Saturday 31 October 2015 19:38

It's not Delivery, It's Digorno, lol

By Wizardo | 33

#6444130 - Sunday 25 October 2015 16:19

Next time do the tap test. Tap every pocket to make sure you have your possessions with you. Assign an item to each pocket to make it easier!

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6444812 - Monday 26 October 2015 6:46

What if they forget to do the tap test? !

By daGun | 18

#6444131 - Sunday 25 October 2015 16:21

I understand. Some customers come by the store and they left their card or wallet at home. I can't do anything for them, but they shouldn't have looked at you like that.

By raaron773 | 19

#6444132 - Sunday 25 October 2015 16:21

Always check your wallet and things you want to carry before leaving! :)

By DasKing | 18

#6444133 - Sunday 25 October 2015 16:22

Man that sucks but next time, take an extra minute or two to make sure you have everything you need before leaving your house.

By MaNameJeff | 6

#6444136 - Sunday 25 October 2015 16:23

Wait, so you were gonna walk miles home carrying a cartfull of groceries?!! Damn, fyl either way had you had your wallet or not..

Reply

olga_crvjl | 19

#6444818 - Monday 26 October 2015 7:06

Exactly what I was thinking reading this FML

By srhearrell | 21

#6444137 - Sunday 25 October 2015 16:23

Usually they can suspend the order and hold it for you. I don't know what grocery store you went to, but I'll stick to mine instead.

By PotatoesAndCake | 26

#6444140 - Sunday 25 October 2015 16:26

Sheesh, why did they ALL give you the stink eye? It's just a mistake that hundreds of people make.