Today, I waited on a gentleman and his lady friend at my restaurant.... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/3/2014 18:53 - United States - Wellsville

Today, I waited on a gentleman and his lady friend at my restaurant. They ordered some of the most expensive items on the menu, and I thought I'd get a nice tip. Instead, he tipped me a scrap of paper, containing a drawing of a cock jizzing on a caricature of my face, and the word "Thanks." FML

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Great boyfriend

Compassion

Vultures

By Faaccckkk - 25/3/2013 14:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to whimsically serenade me by throwing rocks at my apartment window and singing. He got the wrong window. Another guy answered, and now he thinks I'm cheating on him. FML

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By holla1787 - 4/12/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

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By Emily - 14/2/2011 20:25 - France

Today, I woke up to a good friend of mine leaving my bed. The very friend I've had a crush on for months, and knows exactly how I feel about him. Everything was great until he said, "Yeah, about last night... It's just that you were there, and I was weak. See ya." FML

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By WeakBitch - 18/2/2018 15:00

Today, during a judo session, I was paired with a thin, frail-looking rookie. Before a mock skirmish, as I'm much bigger, I said I'd take it easy on her, but also to give it her best shot. She immediately threw me on my face to the floor, knocking me out cold in 7 seconds. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he came by to get his things while I was at work. When I got home I saw that the only thing he had taken was my cat. I only dated him for 5 months, I've had that cat for 14 years. FML

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By siighh - 6/7/2011 14:52 - Australia

Today, my dad came home from work complaining about all the people he'd seen. He said he doesn't understand why so many people with problems have to confide in him. He's a psychologist. FML

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By BearMan - 9/2/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I decided to come out to a co-worker. She looked at me, then laughed, and said, "You can't be gay, you're fat!" FML

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By Username - 17/7/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, I had to endure a long story about how and why my brother shaves his pubes. FML

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By dontask - 1/10/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

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By jill - 8/5/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, after weeks of money slowly disappearing from the stash in my bedroom, I confronted my son about it. I'm not sure which is worse: that my son is a thief or that he actually blamed his father for it. We've been divorced and haven't spoken for eight years. FML

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By nofrickenway - 25/4/2012 00:08 - United States - Newport News

Today, I found out that my unemployed and very needy mother-in-law will be moving in with us soon. And during my conversation on the phone with her, she expects us to buy a house and my wife and I can "live with her." My wife agrees with all of this. FML

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By ouch. - 10/12/2018 09:30 - United States - Stamford

Today, I was washing the dishes when I gave myself a nasty gash on my leg from the open dishwasher door. After five minutes of cleaning up the blood and wrapping it up, I came back to finish the job only to drop a plate and send broken shards into my foot. FML

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By socal000 - 20/10/2011 12:04 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a physical. I've been sitting in the doctor's bathroom for 10 minutes now, trying to think of how to tell him I accidentally tripped and spilled my urine sample on the carpet. FML

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By nohablaespanol - 18/3/2013 23:42 - United States - Sanger

Today, I had an interview for a job I really wanted. On my resume, I wrote that I speak conversational Spanish, although I don't. When I arrived for the interview, my interviewer decided to conduct it in Spanish. FML

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By Username - 21/8/2011 09:59 - United States

Today, I found out apparently, I have a weird looking vagina. How? My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He took one look at my vagina and with a look of horror said, "I have never seen one this GROSS." He's a gynecologist and probably sees 20 vaginas a day. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2014 19:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I agreed to give my husband head while he played Call of Duty. I was happy because he enjoyed it at first, until he started getting his ass kicked in the game. He lost and angrily blamed me for distracting him. FML

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By jfields2474 - 16/3/2015 04:37 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad turned off our cable. The reason? His favorite character from The Walking Dead died. FML

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By LowOnGas - 2/5/2019 18:00

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a chuck-e-Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

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By w_t_f - 18/2/2009 09:16 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I had a consultation for an upcoming surgery I need done. The doctor (very handsome and in his late twenties) asked me to flex my stomach and act like I was trying to use the bathroom. As I was enjoying him touching my stomach, I fart. FML

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By bitchypast - 27/1/2015 23:50 - United States - Rockland

Today, is the blizzard. I have to go into work, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't show up. I sent him a picture of the snow completely covering my car. He said I moved the snow there and could move it back. FML

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By bakerysux - 23/12/2014 01:21 - United States - San Antonio

Today, at work, a customer cried because the cake I made her was not "exactly" the same as the display. I'm the one who made the display and it was the same but the display cake had faded a bit, since it had been there for a month. I'd mentioned this to the customer when she placed the order. FML

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By Noname - 8/2/2009 07:39 - Canada

Today, I was watching 24 and realized that Jack Bauer had gotten more action in 5 hours than I had in 5 months. FML

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By puppylove - 5/5/2020 08:00

Zoning out

Today, my mother found me staring at my puppy's asshole. She had apparently been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

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By unlucky - 8/10/2012 16:39 - United States - Alpena

Today, I'm going to be helping the love of my life pick out an engagement ring for my cousin. FML

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By Username - 1/1/2011 23:21 - United States

Today, I spent the first day of the new year helping out at an old folks home. I was assigned to watch over a group which includes the delightful Earnie; an 83 year old delusional man who sees absolutely no problem with showing off "what the good lord gave him" every chance he gets. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom ranting on about what a useless bitch I am. She was talking to my cat. It's not the first time this has happened, either. FML

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By OuttaNowhere81 - 15/5/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette in my backyard while my parents were out, because I'm not allowed to smoke. While smoking, my parents came home unexpectedly. In a rush, I flicked it over the fence, and it landed in my neighbor's hair. It was still lit. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2015 21:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, the only reason I have toilet paper is because someone decided to teepee my driveway and left an entire roll behind. FML

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By tLee - 19/7/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

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By elmangy - 11/8/2009 16:58 - United States

Today, I went ice skating for my friend's birthday. We had to vacate the skating rink so that they could smooth out the rink for the next session. I don't know how to skate and my friends left me. Not only was I the last one out of the rink, but I had to crawl my way out with everyone laughing. FML

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By NotAnExcuse - 7/11/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

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By carrottop - 7/1/2011 12:12 - Australia

Today, I finally found out why my fish were dying in their tank. My younger sister had been spraying detergent in there because she wanted "to make the fish smell like lemons". FML

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By Sleepless - 5/2/2019 00:00

Today, my dad and I had to move in with my mom. There's only two tiny rooms, and my aunt lives there along with her dogs and my cat. The dogs have tried to kill my cat, I have to share the bed with my mom, who snores BAD, and I haven't slept in two days. I work early all week. FML

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By boardman - 25/5/2009 02:17 - United States

Creeped out

Today, I found out my parents joined the mile-high club. While I was on the plane. FML

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By wish.was.single - 25/1/2012 18:33 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend kept whining at me, asking why I wouldn't have sex with him, seemingly not caring that my parents were in the room. FML

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By FMlovelife - 28/6/2012 15:28 - United States

Today, I stumbled across my ex's blog. Apparently, while dating me, he realized he was gay. Good to know the one guy I've dated, lost my virginity to, and fell in love with, was never truly attracted to me and was dating me just to be sure. FML

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By hallofail - 1/11/2012 00:40 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I dressed up like a pirate, dressed my dog as a parrot and bought $30 worth of candy to pass out to trick-or-treaters. I waited by the door for 3 hours. Not one kid came. FML

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By too young for this - 12/4/2013 05:11 - United States

Today, my mom broke the news that my dad secretly got married two months ago, to a woman he has been dating for 15 years, and that my parents have actually been divorced for 12 years. They just lied about it this whole time. FML

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By nick92 - 15/10/2010 16:40 - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend's family approves of me, not because I'm friendly and intelligent, but because I'm an adequate addition to their gene pool. FML

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Top comments

By JACKxRAWR | 22

#5886957 - Monday 17 March 2014 1:35

Now that's just fucking creepy...

By iLike2Teabag | 27

#5886960 - Monday 17 March 2014 1:36

I guess he thought giving you a "money shot" = giving you money.

Comments

By JACKxRAWR | 22

#5886957 - Monday 17 March 2014 1:35

Now that's just fucking creepy...

Reply

EverestMelting | 23

#5887035 - Monday 17 March 2014 2:19

No, what would've been creepier is of it was actual jizz O.o

Reply

Matrixuniverses | 12

#5887113 - Monday 17 March 2014 4:01

agreed

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5887336 - Monday 17 March 2014 8:59

And he was certainly no gentleman!

Reply

IndicaPaincakes | 27

#5887390 - Monday 17 March 2014 10:53

Twist: it was the "lady's" idea.

Reply

MrManManMan | 7

#5887549 - Monday 17 March 2014 15:41

If only their was some way to show that you agree without commenting "agree"

Reply

9echo | 17

#5887978 - Monday 17 March 2014 22:16

There's this incredible new feature called "thumbs up"...

By iLike2Teabag | 27

#5886960 - Monday 17 March 2014 1:36

I guess he thought giving you a "money shot" = giving you money.

Reply

hugozac88 | 22

#5887080 - Monday 17 March 2014 3:26

The dude is an ass I'll tell you that much.

By redwill85 | 10

#5886961 - Monday 17 March 2014 1:36

Disturbing, very disturbing.

By larrena2377 | 26

#5886964 - Monday 17 March 2014 1:36

Welcome to the food industry..where most of the time the food sucks and people are assholes.

By Welshite | 39

#5886966 - Monday 17 March 2014 1:37

Perhaps he's a well-known artist who expects you to sell the drawing for millions!

Optimism at its best.

Reply

whenitdidhappen | 14

#6042435 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 0:17

then the cock-jizz scrap would have to be signed...that actually makes things worse at least for me

By Kamon97 | 23

#5886975 - Monday 17 March 2014 1:38

Some people are just the worst bottom feeders ever sorry you have to put up with them -.-

By it__happens | 17

#5886981 - Monday 17 March 2014 1:41

That put a lovely image in my head..

By ariiewilliams | 17

#5886984 - Monday 17 March 2014 1:42

Well they were nice customers, weren't they?

Reply

ariiewilliams | 17

#5887096 - Monday 17 March 2014 3:45

Thanks for explaining, but my comment was sarcasm.

Reply

NWO666 | 15

#5887128 - Monday 17 March 2014 4:24

23, It was obviously a sarcasm comment

Reply

ariiewilliams | 17

#5887183 - Monday 17 March 2014 4:57

It's fine there really are a lot of people who would comment what i did and mean it seriously.

By Yeshua_fml | 18

#5886989 - Monday 17 March 2014 1:45

It's supposed to be great for the skin! : )

By Ma_Nikka | 24

#5886990 - Monday 17 March 2014 1:45

He's trying to tell you that he'll come back

Reply

phatdaddy62 | 23

#5887263 - Monday 17 March 2014 6:39

. . . Cum back.