Intimacy: Today, I tried turning on my boyfriend by sending him naughty... - FML

By fed up/turned off - United States - Fresno

Today, I tried turning on my boyfriend by sending him naughty pictures and texts, describing in detail all the things I was going to do to him when we have the house to ourselves this weekend. He responded by quoting that crappy movie 'The Room', saying, "Oh hi doggie!" FML

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Instadrama

Rock, hard place

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By Rizzle - New Zealand

Today, I made a tuna sandwich. It was really nice , so I looked at the label to see what brand it was. Turns out it wasn't tuna. It was fancy cat food. FML

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By Photos - United States

Today, after I got home from school I went to my room to find the maid had cleaned it, also to find a bag labeled "trash" it was all the sketches and paintings I had done in art class, which is my major plan for college. FML

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By fock - Canada - Almonte

Today, I had to convince my 28-year-old boyfriend to take down his booger wall. FML

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By bestgirlfriend - United Kingdom - Stockton-on-tees

Today, my dad made me and my boyfriend break up. Not because he was a bad influence, but because I was. FML

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By Troy - United States

Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, wanting to break up with my boyfriend, I invited him to dinner with my parents. I was sure they'd hate him, which would give me the excuse I needed. They ended up loving him, and now they won't stop mentioning marriage. FML

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By CoolStoryBro

Today, while I was at work, I was on the verge of tears. My coworker asked what was wrong and I explained that I recently had to put my dog down. He then replied, "Cool story, bro. Tell it again." FML

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By Juiced - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend excitedly showed me his new juicer, and used up all the fruit in the house making new concoctions. It was adorable until later on, in the middle of getting frisky, he asked if we could go to the grocery store to buy more fruit. FML

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By DaisyMay - United States

Today, I returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing. I called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15. I have no money, and my paycheck is in the mailbox. FML

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By lizi - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to take my bra off. FML

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By fatty - United States

Today, my fitness trainer husband told me that if I could not make the commitment to stay thin, he could not make the commitment to stay with me. FML

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By Oops - United States - Portland

Today, I managed to stop my supervisor from falling into a trench, only for the ground to give way and for me to fall in instead. My supervisor didn't even notice. FML

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By First Kiss - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after a romantic dinner, movie, and stroll in the park, we had our first kiss. It would have been perfect, had a passerby not thrown rubbish at us for "unnecessary public display of affection." FML

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By Melting in Texas

Today, I discovered that my freezer had died when I saw the contents oozing out the bottom. The now-full trash can won't be picked up for another 6 days, and the high temperatures are supposed to be in the 100s all week. FML

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By Music Lover - 7/11/2020 05:01 - United States - San Jose

Bum note

Today, after entering a conservatory of music, I've worked really hard on my academic subjects to past through the exam, so my major is pretty weak. After practising 6 hours a day for three weeks, my teacher asked me to change my major and said I'm the worst student she's ever seen. And there‘s nowhere I can go. FML

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By Fackwork - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, after declining an amazing job offer that pays more than double what I make now in order to accept a promotion my boss offered me if I stayed, I asked when I would receive the promotion and pay raise. She snorted and said, "You thought I was serious about that?" FML

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By darianvilla - United States - College Park

Today, I was happy because my co-worker was almost about to get fired due to his lazy habits. It was all going so well. Then I accidentally put my biggest sale yet under his name. FML

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By S. - Estonia

Today, I bought a pack of toothpicks. There were 500 of them. When I got home I accidentally dropped the pack. After twenty long minutes of picking them up, I dropped them again. FML

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By Petridishoflove - Hong Kong

Today, I put my paint brush into my cup of tea. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 04:18 - United Kingdom

Issues

Today, my boyfriend told me I’m clearly turning into my mother. I turned round to have a go at him when I stopped, thought about it, and realised he’s completely right. I’m just like her. Now I’m so depressed, I don’t know if I want booze, a relaxing bath or a really long, ugly crying session. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, my boss and I were bragging about our new phones. I unlocked mine to show its awesome display, and accidentally opened a job search app. FML

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By thanks Toby dumbfuck - 13/7/2020 14:02

Good job

Today, my roommate read an article about unplugging appliances to save on electricity. Too bad the fucking moron also unplugged the fridge. We came home to a corpse-like stench and a fridge full of moldy food. We were gone for two weeks while the sludge marinated in the California heat. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in the middle of my boyfriend finally giving me an orgasm, I had an anxiety attack, which caused him to have an attack of his own. I guess there is such a thing as having too much in common with your partner. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Mannheim

Today, my car is still in the shop, so I asked my psycho brother to drive me to the mall. He sped up to nearly 20km over the speed limit, so I shouted for him to stop before he got us both killed. He hit the brakes in the middle of an intersection, and wouldn't move again until I got out. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 02:02

Freaked out

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my shirt off, she saw my chest acne. She ran out of my house and hasn't spoken to me in 5 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife started checking her email on her Blackberry while we were having sex. FML

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By shenmas

Today, while I was out walking with my girlfriend, I got beaten up and called an "abuser" by a gang of women who noticed bruises on my girlfriend's arms and legs. The bruises are from her karate class. FML

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By happyeffingbday202 - United States

Today, was my 16th birthday. Needless to say, I was delighted when my friends presented me with a birthday card in a homeroom. I pretended to be surprised and exclaimed, "Aw, you guys really shouldn't have!" They didn't. It was our teacher's birthday. They just wanted me to sign the card. FML

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By Shepaintsmusic

Today, an antiques dealer made a joke about chopping off and buying my deformed left hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

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By Wellpoo

Today, I started 2018 with a bad case of food poisoning. Not exactly the new year cleanse I was hoping for. FML

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By why yes, I do mean "ex-boyfriend" - Netherlands - Oosterwolde

Today, I got sent home early because a large fire broke out at work. I was greeted by the sight of my cocktard of a "boyfriend" making out on my sofa with another woman. He actually had the audacity and brass balls to claim he thought she was me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work, a man came in wearing a very elaborate cowboy ensemble and went to talk to one of my coworkers. Once he left, I asked her how she knew a gay cowboy. She then explained that he's actually a farmer and her husband of ten years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by offering me a foot massage to ease my sore feet after a run. I asked for a lot of pressure. Now I'm back home in a walking boot after being diagnosed with a fractured fifth metatarsal bone. FML

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By JeezAndAges

Today, I walked in on my nineteen-year-old stepson masturbating into a pair of my panties. His excuse? He thought they belonged to my 17-year-old daughter. FML

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By frustrated - Ireland

Today, my brother deleted all traces of the novel I've been working on for three years from my laptop. The reason? When I was born I "stole all of Mum and Dad's attention." He's 24. FML

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By mothers - United States

Today, my daughter posted a beautiful, touching status on my Facebook wall for Mother's Day. It wasn't so touching that she'd just copied and pasted the one I wrote for her grandmother and sent it back to me, unedited. FML

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By james - United Kingdom

Today, whilst reading all 15 pages of this site, my French girlfriend asked me over my shoulder for translations, such as "What is buttsex?", "What is wanking?", and "What means farted?" FML

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By angry girlfriend - Canada - Montreal

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 00:58 - Canada - Brandon

Time marches on

Today, after looking back at our high school photos, I told my fiancée I’ve been scared lately that I’m getting uglier with age, and that I was much prettier back then. He got really quiet, and then agreed with me.. I’m only 24. FML

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Top comments

By Pwn17 | 25

#5699187 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:02

You're tearing him apart, Lisa!

By ischneid101 | 4

#5699188 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:03

"Oh hi mark!"

COMMENTS

By dmmrekcd | 10

#5699186 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:02

Fun..,

Reply

SimplyBird | 9

#5699758 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 19:59

#1 that was probably the best and most creative first comment I have ever read. *slow clap*

By Pwn17 | 25

#5699187 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:02

You're tearing him apart, Lisa!

Reply

jw90 | 18

#5699197 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:11

Haha I haven't seen that movie in forever. But I'm sorry he's not responding that well to your attempts OP. Maybe Breaking Bad is too important to him.

Reply

OnlyAvailableID | 28

#5699213 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:21

I don't understand. I did naht hit her, I did naht. Oh hi Mark!

Reply

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5699246 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 13:19

4- That's me!

Reply

Cocoapelli | 23

#5699409 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 16:15

Maybe if you throw a football around as you walk between scenes you'll get his attention? But don't try and do it sexily - aim more for pointlessly.

Reply

annie_nk | 22

#5699899 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 21:30

9 - Perfect portrayal of Wiseau's accent, which I believe is still unique to him lol.

By ischneid101 | 4

#5699188 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:03

"Oh hi mark!"

Reply

joawmeens | 7

#5699221 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:24

"Oh hey Denny!"

Reply

ischneid101 | 4

#5699222 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:25

Denny's a creepy bastard...

Reply

mFUNdo21 | 17

#5699430 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 16:27

these FML boyfriends are super trolls xD

Reply

julianna5782 | 12

#6693275 - Wednesday 21 September 2016 2:07

we're talking about aids, we're talking about lesions!

By Ms_ValS | 27

#5699194 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:09

Some guys really have a way of saying stupid things...

By ItsAUnicorn | 27

#5699201 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:12

I guess he wasn't as into it as you thought he was..

By pistachiopanda | 19

#5699204 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:15

I suggest more cleavage in the future.

60 percent of the time, it works every time.

Reply

nnnope | 26

#5699276 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 14:27

I'm not gonna lie, that smells like pure gasoline.

By joawmeens | 7

#5699215 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:21

HEY!! It's not a "crappy" movie... It's the WORST MOVIE!! And it is AMAZING!!

Do you understand life? YOU'RE TEARING ME APART LISA!!

You're my favorite customer!

By missfryfry | 10

#5699229 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:39

Tell him to put his stupid comments in his pocket.

Reply

crimsonlover4 | 31

#5700521 - Thursday 3 October 2013 6:09

I'm fed up with this woorlald!
And those that didn't get your reference #13

By perdix | 29

#5699247 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 13:23

1. Lives with parents
2. Uses stupid quotes in steamy situation.

-> Not ready for sex.

Reply

Faff | 20

#5699331 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 15:46

with that logic, there would be a lot more virgins in this world

By azwethinkweiz87 | 11

#5699265 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 14:07

Oh hi! Don't worry about it, that's the idea!