Intimacy: Today, I tried turning on my boyfriend by sending him naughty... - FML

By fed up/turned off - United States - Fresno

Today, I tried turning on my boyfriend by sending him naughty pictures and texts, describing in detail all the things I was going to do to him when we have the house to ourselves this weekend. He responded by quoting that crappy movie 'The Room', saying, "Oh hi doggie!" FML

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Commando

Triage

Not now, please

By yayibs - United States - Williamstown

Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML

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By GirlOnTheFly - United States - Uniontown

Today, I was finally able to drive my brother's nice car instead of my clunker, because he left for college. First thing I do? Back into the neighbors' mailbox while exiting the driveway. FML

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By Foxy - United States

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

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By older - United States

Today, I was walking downtown. I'm 57 years old, and I'm pretty well along in terms of hair loss. On top of that, I recently hurt my left leg and am walking with a crutch. I passed two teenagers, who were looking at me, and I overheard "Yeah, I agree. I'm much more scared of aging than death." FML

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By thestudent - Philippines

Today, my math teacher brought his laptop to tally up all our scores for our report card. He then displayed the results on a big screen in front of the whole class. The ones who failed were marked yellow. I was the only one marked yellow. FML

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By kaydebug

Today, while doing self-checkout at Walmart, the cap of my laundry detergent came off as I scanned it and dumped all over me. FML

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By -1 Pair of Pants - United States - Westborough

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

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By Kylie - United States

Today, at work at daycare, this kid was coughing really bad, so I put my hand in front of his mouth in case he was choking on something so he could spit it out. But nope he wasn't choking, he was sick. He puked right into my hands. FML

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By burr415 - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, my friend was waiting outside the store while I bought a newspaper. Through the window, I saw two guys getting physical with him, so I went outside and they took off. I muttered, "Yeah, I thought so." They then turned around and beat the crap out of us. FML

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By Imwalkinghere - United States

Today, while I was walking to class, I was hit by a car. The driver stopped to let me cross in front of her, started moving again, hit me, and then yelled at me, saying it was my fault for walking in front of her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. I was eating my nachos when all of the sudden I woke up in the hospital, with my dad sitting next to the bed. Apparently, I was hit with a foul ball. He kept the ball for himself. FML

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By beccaj_ilh - United Kingdom

Today, while I was working in a bar, a very fat drunk guy kept flirting with me. He assumed I liked him because I kept blushing. I didn’t. It’s just been so long since anyone flirted with me that I apparently now cannot control my reactions if a man talks to me. FML

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By cuppycakeslove - United States

Today, I had to sit through chemistry class watching the kid in front of me slowly peel off the scabs on his arms, examine them, and then eat them. For an hour. FML

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By WartCream - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

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By rain1 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I had to explain to my parents why it is inappropriate to take selfies at a funeral. FML

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By ultraattitude - United States

Today, I went to see my dermatologist friend for a free consultation on my terrible acne. During my visit, she said I probably won't be getting any more pimples. Excited, I asked her how she could tell. She replied, "There's no more room for it." FML

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By Anonymous

Free Playboy for the guy that can't even use it. Oh, cruel fate.

Today, I received a Playboy magazine that I never ordered, and now my husband won't stop laughing at me or calling me a closet heterosexual. FML

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By Lindsey Taul - United States - Granite City

Today, while driving home from work, I heard a loud crash immediately followed by the sound of wind and shifting glass over my head. My sunroof exploded for no perceptible reason 5 days before Christmas. FML

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By Talis - United States - Eureka

Today, at work, a drunk demanded a salad dressing we don't have. He marched into my kitchen and demanded I make it for him. When I said we didn't have the ingredients, he pushed the microwave over and stormed out. My boss came in and wrote me up for being "pushy and rude to customers". FML

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By geedeewhy

Today, my period was officially 2 weeks late. I have a phobia about giving birth, so I had a panic attack, went to Walmart, spend $15 on four pregnancy tests and a drink, came home, and took the tests. All four came back negative. As I went to clean up and throw everything away, I got my period. FML

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By brelni - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over to visit. Being nice, I let him walk down the stairs first, following after him. I still managed to reach the bottom before he did; after taking one step, I lost my footing and fell all the way down, scraping the skin off my arms and legs, and bruising my butt. FML

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By jlmbull - United States - Lansing

Today, I had to wait thirty minutes after closing to check out a lady who was purchasing 20 different styles of curtains. I asked what she would be doing with them all, and she replied that she would be bringing 19 of them back tomorrow, as she didn't know which would match. FML

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By Twiddle - Canada

Today, my boyfriend invited me for dinner to meet his parents. Turns out his stepmother is my gynecologist. FML

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By ideserveit - Finland

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend after a fight. I told him the reason I was so irritable is because I'm on my period. He yelped in disgust and nearly fell out of bed. Good to know I'm dating a man-child. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my old highschool math teacher called me, asking me to please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she's drunk, and declares her eternal love to him. FML

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By notbrowsingnow - United States

Today, I was bored at work, so I started browsing the Internet. While I was on my Facebook page, my boss tagged me in a status: "I've been standing behind you for ten minutes." FML

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By toothpastecat - Canada

Today, I was brushing my teeth. As a bent down to spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, my cat decided it would be a good time to stick his head right where I was spitting. I spit a huge glob of toothpaste on his head. He then shook it off all over me and the walls. FML

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By oGxFoopFoop - 28/5/2020 20:00

Shit's going down

Today, I was taking a shit in my friend's bathroom when his brother's girlfriend walked in. Nobody decided to tell me that the lock didn’t work. FML

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By akvan - 30/10/2020 06:01 - Canada - Toronto

Sounds lovely

Today, my coworker, who keeps calling me Mexican even though she knows I'm not, is telling everyone that I act like a bitch to our boss, even though she's the one who is always contradicting and fighting with her, and I always try to keep everything professional. No other jobs are calling me back. FML

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By Typidiot

Today, I spent ages writing a draft press release as part of a copywriting job application. I worked really hard and read it through several times before submitting. They emailed me to point out that I'd misspelled the name of the company. Twice. FML

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By flyingpuppy - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my husband has decided to grow a mullet. FML

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By David3000 - Australia

Today, I finally finished my 500 page manuscript and so went out to buy some paper to print it off. I get back home and find out my dad has infected my computer with a virus and the only way to save it was to wipe the hard drive, which he did. That script took me a year and I have no backup. FML

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By Just_do_it_17 - United States

Today, after being out of the closet for over three years, I learned that some of my friends still don't believe me that I am really a lesbian. They still think I made the whole thing up because I can't get a man. FML

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By a - United States

Today, my husband and I announced our upcoming divorce. My friends told me how sorry they were and that they're available for whatever I need. His friends told him to just call the girl from last weekend and get himself laid again. FML

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By Ken - 10/5/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom - Swindon

The Talk

Today, I asked my 13-year-old son if he thought he was mature enough for a talk about "the birds and the bees." His response was, "They fly, so what? Why would I care?" FML

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By love_letter - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a over a year broke up with me. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't written him a long letter about how much I love him, and that I'm so glad we're together and so glad that he promised he would always be there. He'll be getting it in a few days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ontario

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

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By EmberLove - United States

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

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By Brightbulb - United States

Today, I went to work feeling great. I'd just paid off my student loans and was planning a trip to see friends in Italy. I left work unemployed because a fraud case I exposed 3 years ago got the company sued for slander. It was thrown out because everything was fact. FML

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By FML - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom and dad walked in on us while we were playing naked twister. FML

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Top comments

By Pwn17 | 25

#5699187 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:02

You're tearing him apart, Lisa!

By ischneid101 | 4

#5699188 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:03

"Oh hi mark!"

COMMENTS

By dmmrekcd | 10

#5699186 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:02

Fun..,

Reply

SimplyBird | 9

#5699758 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 19:59

#1 that was probably the best and most creative first comment I have ever read. *slow clap*

By Pwn17 | 25

#5699187 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:02

You're tearing him apart, Lisa!

Reply

jw90 | 18

#5699197 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:11

Haha I haven't seen that movie in forever. But I'm sorry he's not responding that well to your attempts OP. Maybe Breaking Bad is too important to him.

Reply

OnlyAvailableID | 28

#5699213 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:21

I don't understand. I did naht hit her, I did naht. Oh hi Mark!

Reply

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5699246 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 13:19

4- That's me!

Reply

Cocoapelli | 23

#5699409 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 16:15

Maybe if you throw a football around as you walk between scenes you'll get his attention? But don't try and do it sexily - aim more for pointlessly.

Reply

annie_nk | 22

#5699899 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 21:30

9 - Perfect portrayal of Wiseau's accent, which I believe is still unique to him lol.

By ischneid101 | 4

#5699188 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:03

"Oh hi mark!"

Reply

joawmeens | 7

#5699221 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:24

"Oh hey Denny!"

Reply

ischneid101 | 4

#5699222 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:25

Denny's a creepy bastard...

Reply

mFUNdo21 | 17

#5699430 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 16:27

these FML boyfriends are super trolls xD

Reply

julianna5782 | 12

#6693275 - Wednesday 21 September 2016 2:07

we're talking about aids, we're talking about lesions!

By Ms_ValS | 27

#5699194 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:09

Some guys really have a way of saying stupid things...

By ItsAUnicorn | 27

#5699201 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:12

I guess he wasn't as into it as you thought he was..

By pistachiopanda | 19

#5699204 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:15

I suggest more cleavage in the future.

60 percent of the time, it works every time.

Reply

nnnope | 26

#5699276 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 14:27

I'm not gonna lie, that smells like pure gasoline.

By joawmeens | 7

#5699215 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:21

HEY!! It's not a "crappy" movie... It's the WORST MOVIE!! And it is AMAZING!!

Do you understand life? YOU'RE TEARING ME APART LISA!!

You're my favorite customer!

By missfryfry | 10

#5699229 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:39

Tell him to put his stupid comments in his pocket.

Reply

crimsonlover4 | 31

#5700521 - Thursday 3 October 2013 6:09

I'm fed up with this woorlald!
And those that didn't get your reference #13

By perdix | 29

#5699247 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 13:23

1. Lives with parents
2. Uses stupid quotes in steamy situation.

-> Not ready for sex.

Reply

Faff | 20

#5699331 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 15:46

with that logic, there would be a lot more virgins in this world

By azwethinkweiz87 | 11

#5699265 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 14:07

Oh hi! Don't worry about it, that's the idea!