Today, I tried turning on my boyfriend by sending him naughty... - FML

By fed up/turned off - 2/10/2013 05:47 - United States - Fresno

Today, I tried turning on my boyfriend by sending him naughty pictures and texts, describing in detail all the things I was going to do to him when we have the house to ourselves this weekend. He responded by quoting that crappy movie 'The Room', saying, "Oh hi doggie!" FML

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Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 03:28 - United States - Salem

Today, my brother got upset at his video game and flung his DS at the wall, just as I was walking by. I got knocked out to the sound of someone crossing the finish line in MarioKart. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2013 21:45 - United States - Plainsboro

Today, while life-guarding in a 55+ community, I greeted a man by saying: "Good morning Sir!" He responded with, "Cut the shit kid, I'm not that fucking old." FML

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By ashleyrc_8213 - 11/5/2020 20:00

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Today, I was commenting on my boyfriend’s page, telling him how much I loved him and missed him since he had been deported back to his country. A 12-year-old girl commented, “Who are you and why are you so obsessed with my daddy?” I didn’t know he had kids. We were together for 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2014 16:09 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my mom made a Facebook status about me: "My daughter is on her rags and won't shut the fuck up #annoyingbitch". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I developed the disposable camera pictures from my family's trip to Disney World. I noticed that in the pictures I took of them in front of the big castle at Magic Kingdom, my wife and son were standing a few feet away from a man who was touching himself. FML

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By Shrimpy - 16/3/2019 20:00

Today my girlfriend and her 3 friends walked in on me doing a solo performance on myself. They stood their quietly and videoed it unknown to me. And then afterwards laughed and made fun of how small I am. And to make it worse forwarded the video to everyone. Now everyone calls me shrimp. FML

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By gettinganF - 23/5/2016 11:57 - United States - Severn

Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by tapping me on the shoulder every so often. After the fifth time, I lost my patience, told him to F off, and slapped his hand. Only it wasn't my friend tapping my shoulder this time, it was my teacher. FML

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By bananaman - 11/4/2011 20:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I've been on the same train for two hours at a standstill due to "signal problems". We can't get off because it's "unsafe". I'm on my way home from work and I can see my house through the window. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2011 03:28 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

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By tyler_powellROTC - 15/12/2016 03:43 - United States - Irving

Today, while practicing for a competition, someone decided to spin a rifle with a bayonet. I'm currently sitting in the ER with stitches in my foot. FML

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By Ari - 16/6/2011 04:19 - United States

Today, a man came up to me and punched me in the face. He turned out to be the guy my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with. Apparently, she told him we broke up because I used to beat her. FML

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By slicero - 7/12/2016 04:40

Today, I finally got a package for some pieces that my model kit was missing after I had contacted customer services about the problem. The package was still missing a piece. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2014 16:37 - United States - Erie

Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML

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By abdominates - 23/10/2009 16:48 - Canada

Today, after a long workout I come back to my locker, to find my lock had been cut. I looked inside realizing my phone and ipod had been stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, my keys were gone. I ran out to the parking lot to find an empty spot where my car had once been parked. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2013 16:01 - United States - Walker

Today, I was using a public toilet, when someone in the next stall reached under, grabbed at my low-hanging toilet paper and pulled at it at an insane speed, whispering some kind of weird chant. Then he suddenly stopped, screamed, and ran out. What the hell happened in there? FML

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By sadlrana121 - 10/1/2015 22:46 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I psyched myself up and headed out to a really promising job interview. I was sure I was going to nail it and get my first job. That is, until a bird shat on my head on my way there. Thank you so very much, universe. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2013 15:46 - United States

Today, I got a new roommate after having a horrible relationship with the previous one. She seemed nice at first, until our first night together. She got completely wasted, spilled beer all over my bed and blew chunks into my fish tank. FML

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By koolkat9 - 22/12/2014 19:11 - United States - Albion

Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML

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By blink_kid - 10/8/2012 12:57 - United Kingdom - Bathgate

Today, my boyfriend, who lives 100 miles away and whom I haven't seen in 2 months, told me he was visiting my city with some friends. I assumed this was an opening to an invitation, but no, he just asked me about the best places to get drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 14:00

Today, we had our busiest day at work all year with lots of angry people calling, and a co-worker called in sick. I went to my local game shop after work, exhausted and upset, and guess who was at his usual table running a Dungeons and Dragons group, apparently not too sick to go out. Yeah. FML

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By Academia - 18/8/2011 08:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I got accepted into University onto a course I don't want to do, but my parents said they would disown me if I didn't go. I believe them: they haven't spoken to my shop assistant sister in about three years now. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2019 12:08

Today, someone overheard my ex talking about ditching me with a year-long lease. FML

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By Lolaa123 - 25/9/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, my 5 year old daughter told me that I needed to stay 50 feet away from her at all times when we were at school, mostly because I didn't hang with the cool parents. FML

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By lollipopgreen - 1/10/2011 12:33 - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station to get a bag of chips. Upon moving towards the counter to pay, I noticed the cashier had what looked like a golf ball stuffed in his cheek. I said to him in a joking manner, "That's a huge pinch of dip!" His reply, "It's mouth cancer." FML

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By IhateThem - 14/5/2011 05:07 - United States

Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML

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By WTF. - 3/8/2019 20:00

Today, I was interviewed by a WalMart employee for a position in their pharmacy. I didn't get the job. I was more qualified than the woman who gave me the interview. FML

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By countrygirl8846 - 2/12/2015 15:02 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I went to pick up some pictures I took on a family trip, but the person at the counter said someone else had already picked them up. Now not only am I out $20, some random creep has pictures of me and my whole family. FML

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By ccat209 - 20/12/2016 04:05 - United States - Riverton

Today, my parents finally realized that I've been sneaking vodka when they weren't home. Note to self: don't let them freeze vodka that's actually 75% water. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I started my first day of work. I was told to absorb everything going on and to get used to the high-paced flow of things. I've been sitting at my desk for two hours now, and the office has been empty since I've walked in. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2018 20:30

Today, after 3 days of hearing a car alarm going off almost continuously, the city finally came and towed it. Immediately after, the owner showed up with a switchblade, inquiring who called the city. My neighbors ratted me out, despite the fact I had nothing to do with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2011 01:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I bumped into an old school friend. I'd heard she was pregnant so the first thing I did was congratulate her. Not only was she not pregnant, but the reason she managed to get so fat was because of comfort eating due to her miscarriage last month. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2010 04:33 - Canada

Today, after taking a pregnancy test and carefully disposing of all the evidence so no one would find out, I realized I left the receipt for it on the bathroom counter. I noticed too late as I watch my mom step out of the bathroom, and my step-father go in right after. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2014 00:20 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said "There's my daughter..." He then turned it to me and said "...and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2016 14:05

Today, I tried to change my usually stoic behaviour and be friendly to a coworker. Now she is convinced that I finally went insane and intend to murder her. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I was driving home through the middle of nowhere when a screw punctured my car tire. I arrived at the town's only auto shop to find that it had closed early. Frantic, I dialed the emergency number listed on the shop's locked door. On the other side of the glass, a phone began to ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2012 12:21 - United States

Today, I quit smoking. My son came home with an ashtray he made in arts and crafts class. FML

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By jina - 18/3/2009 03:48 - Korea Republic of

Today, the phone kept ringing but there was only silence on the other line. The third time I yelled, "What the fuck is your F*ing problem asshole!? Get a life shithead!" and hung up. Then the pastor's wife called and explained that she mistakingly set her phone on mute. FML

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By ilovemybrother - 28/10/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, I got on my computer and saw my little brother had left his myspace page up with a message between him and his friend. They were talking about a plan to basically humiliate me in any way possible. It was called "Operation: Fat Cow." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2013 07:18 - United States

Today, my piano teacher complimented my song, calling it great. I was proud and thanked him, then realized he was being sarcastic. FML

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By anonymous-canada - 7/12/2010 05:28

Today, I was working a midnight shift when a guy came in drunk and was trying to get me to come home with him. I said I had a boyfriend. As I said this, my manager, who has no teeth and B.O, said he was my boyfriend. I will never live this down with my co-workers. FML

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Top comments

By Pwn17 | 25

#5699187 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:02

You're tearing him apart, Lisa!

By ischneid101 | 4

#5699188 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:03

"Oh hi mark!"

Comments

By dmmrekcd | 10

#5699186 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:02

Fun..,

Reply

SimplyBird | 9

#5699758 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 19:59

#1 that was probably the best and most creative first comment I have ever read. *slow clap*

By Pwn17 | 25

#5699187 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:02

You're tearing him apart, Lisa!

Reply

jw90 | 18

#5699197 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:11

Haha I haven't seen that movie in forever. But I'm sorry he's not responding that well to your attempts OP. Maybe Breaking Bad is too important to him.

Reply

OnlyAvailableID | 28

#5699213 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:21

I don't understand. I did naht hit her, I did naht. Oh hi Mark!

Reply

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5699246 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 13:19

4- That's me!

Reply

Cocoapelli | 23

#5699409 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 16:15

Maybe if you throw a football around as you walk between scenes you'll get his attention? But don't try and do it sexily - aim more for pointlessly.

Reply

annie_nk | 22

#5699899 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 21:30

9 - Perfect portrayal of Wiseau's accent, which I believe is still unique to him lol.

By ischneid101 | 4

#5699188 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:03

"Oh hi mark!"

Reply

joawmeens | 7

#5699221 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:24

"Oh hey Denny!"

Reply

ischneid101 | 4

#5699222 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:25

Denny's a creepy bastard...

Reply

mFUNdo21 | 17

#5699430 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 16:27

these FML boyfriends are super trolls xD

Reply

julianna5782 | 12

#6693275 - Wednesday 21 September 2016 2:07

we're talking about aids, we're talking about lesions!

By Ms_ValS | 27

#5699194 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:09

Some guys really have a way of saying stupid things...

By ItsAUnicorn | 27

#5699201 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:12

I guess he wasn't as into it as you thought he was..

By pistachiopanda | 19

#5699204 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:15

I suggest more cleavage in the future.

60 percent of the time, it works every time.

Reply

nnnope | 26

#5699276 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 14:27

I'm not gonna lie, that smells like pure gasoline.

By joawmeens | 7

#5699215 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:21

HEY!! It's not a "crappy" movie... It's the WORST MOVIE!! And it is AMAZING!!

Do you understand life? YOU'RE TEARING ME APART LISA!!

You're my favorite customer!

By missfryfry | 10

#5699229 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 12:39

Tell him to put his stupid comments in his pocket.

Reply

crimsonlover4 | 31

#5700521 - Thursday 3 October 2013 6:09

I'm fed up with this woorlald!
And those that didn't get your reference #13

By perdix | 29

#5699247 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 13:23

1. Lives with parents
2. Uses stupid quotes in steamy situation.

-> Not ready for sex.

Reply

Faff | 20

#5699331 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 15:46

with that logic, there would be a lot more virgins in this world

By azwethinkweiz87 | 11

#5699265 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 14:07

Oh hi! Don't worry about it, that's the idea!