Intimacy: Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy... - FML

By anonymous - United States - Spokane

Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML

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Late term

Harsh

Keep the peace

By Talvesh - United States

Today, I had my six month employee review. My manager said that my attendance was good, and I was exceeding my targets performance wise. My reward, a five cent per hour pay cut. Apparently the rate at which I started is too high to meet their current pay scale. FML

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By Lordy - Saudi Arabia

Today, I went to work to find a picture on my desk of me with my buttcrack showing put there by an anonymous person. FM

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By clumsy - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I tried to "trip" and fall into this guy I've had a crush on. I missed and fell on my face. He stepped over me and kept walking. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

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By worstaunty - 4/3/2020 18:01 - United States - Boca Raton

That'll do

Today, I had to pick my 2 year-old nephew up from day care for the first time. When the lady asked me who I was there to pick up, I realized I didn't know his actual name because we all call him "Bebe." FML

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By damn cats

Today my cat watched me clean and refill his water bowls, then shoved his fresh-out-of-the-litter-box paw in my glass of water. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML

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By Nurse

Today, a pregnant woman asked me to give her a demonstration on how to push when having a baby. I agreed and pushed, but I may have pushed a little too hard because I shat myself. The pregnant woman laughed and said she was hoping that would happen. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 02:12

Falling Down

Today, I woke up in hospital. Apparently, I fell down the stairs, broke 3 ribs, one toe, and hit my head so much that 12 stitches were needed. I also blacked out for an hour before my husband found me covered in blood. Recovery should take about a month and a half. FML

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By Nathanael Johnson

Today, my roommate came home from work and yelled at me for my dinner being too spicy. The same dinner he denied stealing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally accepted I need help with my anxiety issues. I started small and I joined a support forum and wrote a post. I was quickly called a troll by multiple users, accused of faking it, and told to "fuck off back to Tumblr" because they wouldn't believe my anxiety is really so serious. FML

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By ellebelle - United States

Today, I had to purchase a new flat screen TV for the bar I work at. Last night I was dared to break an ashtray against the wall. I completely missed the wall and smashed the screen of the new TV they bought last month. FML

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By thedullard - United States

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

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By bitchasshonky - France

Today, I had a fancy dinner date with a really hot guy. Near the end of our meal, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place. As soon as we walked in the door, he started a religious debate with his room mate. It's been 45 minutes and its still going. FML

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By corasmom - United States

Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By indefiniteforest - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my best friend texted me and told me she broke up with her boyfriend. Trying to be supportive, I sent a long message about how he never deserved her and that I was there for her if she needed someone to vent to. She replied, "Are you high?" FML

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By Tom - United States

Today, I'm flying out of the country in a few hours. A plane from the same airline just crashed into the Hudson River and is now floating in it. FML

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By angryman

Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML

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By AudraRose - United States

Today, I have my very first gynecologist appointment. I'm 15. My mom wants to "be on the safe side" and make sure I'm not sexually active. This is my punishment for being a virgin. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML

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By PissedOff

Today, my husband sent me a short video of my snoring last night because I wanted to hear how bad I sound. The first few seconds went by OK, but for the rest of the clip I could barely hear anything else over the sound of my husband taking a long piss in our bathroom. FML

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By Annie - United States

Waste

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Two minutes in, he goes, "Wow, this is strenuous" and stopped. I waited three years for this. FML

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By LMN - United States

Today, after receiving a message about being hired at a retail store, I went to the orientation for new employees. The trainer seemed perplexed when I told him my name, but he gave me my paperwork and continued with training. At the end of the 8 hour day, he asked to talk to me. I wasn't actually hired. FML

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By arbiter3

Today, I was watching Animal Planet while babysitting my 4 year-old niece. A really cute baby bunny came on and I called her into the room, only for her to see it get killed by a Bald Eagle. Now she won't stop crying. FML

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By Highschoolsucks - 18/3/2020 23:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Unexpected item

Today, I was hit in the head with a football during class. Spanish class. FML

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By toast - United Kingdom

Today, I repaired a boiler for a wealthy guy in a big house. While there, I fixed a leaking tap for free. When I went to go, the man slipped something into my shirt pocket and said "have a drink on me." When I got to my truck, I discovered that he'd given me a tea bag. FML

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By CaoNiMa - China

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we we're watching a movie in my basement. I run upstairs and pop a bag of popcorn. Later I come downstairs to find my 10 year old brother sitting next to my girlfriend saying," My brother always says he wants to screw your brains out, whatever that means". FML

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By LucklessNiceGuy - United States

Today, I was fired from my job on account of "sexual harassment" toward female employees. The harassment? Jokingly offering them foot massages when they were complaining about how their feet ached after a long shift, and complimenting them about their appearance when they felt down. FML

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By THATgirl

Today, our wedding venue canceled on us, leaving us 8 months to find another in peak foliage season. My parents contacted the local news over the ordeal, but they're using my name and picture to make me look like a whiny brat who didn’t get her way. FML

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By drano - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at my job. A guy came up with a cart full of stuff and it took me 10 minutes to ring it all up. When I told him his total, he felt his pockets, said "Oh shit I forgot my wallet!" and walked away. He left about 15 bags worth of things for me to put back. FML

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By ether10 - United States

Today, my dad asked me to move a potted plant from one side of the yard to the other. It looked like a very heavy pot, so I heaved it up with all my might. Turns out it was one of those heavy-looking ones that are actually light plastic. I fell over backwards and dumped dirt into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsfield

Today, a man attempted to sue my business for giving him food poisoning. I make soap. When I called the cops on him for disturbing the peace, I was told, "Maybe next time you'll put 'not edible' on your label." FML

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By Iman - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania

Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm 'a self-absorbed bitch'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ypsilanti

Today, I did the "walk of shame" sixteen blocks. It wouldn't have been so bad if the sidewalks and streets weren't completely covered in ice. Somewhere along the way I lost what little dignity I had left, along with my left shoe. FML

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By peridot1aa

Today, I was cleaning out my room and picked up my bed and found a condom. I'm 15 and still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macungie

Today, a homeless man asked me for some money to eat. He ate the five dollars I gave him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, I spent an hour in a snowstorm waiting for my bus to show up. After I got fed up, I decided to just clean off my car and drive to work. After I was halfway finished swiping off the snow and ice stuck to my car, the bus drove right past me. FML

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By itsjustwill - United States - Puyallup

Today, our company's owner's son took over. The first thing he did? Fire me. Why? He said my sales are down. I work in Public Relations. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, I learned from my daughter's teacher that she has been wearing the same shirt for the past few weeks, ever since we had a fight about how I don't pay attention to her. FML

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Top comments

By gracehi | 31

#6234858 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:18

You mean being laughed at for your attempt at seduction didn't turn you on and make you feel super confident? How strange. No wonder he was confused.

By mxgirl1998 | 26

#6234852 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:14

He shouldn't have gotten mad. You deserve better, A for effort!

COMMENTS

By mxgirl1998 | 26

#6234849 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:12

(1st..yay)
That sucks op. He shouldn't be mad at you..you deserve better.
A+ for trying!

By cheesyfeet2001 | 31

#6234850 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:13

Don't worry op! See if you can talk to him about it.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6235027 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:39

laughed and left the room for ten minutes? maybe you did turn him on and he went to take care of some business.. if ya know what I mean op ;)

Reply

derpina72 | 23

#6235151 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 17:10

Tell him how it made you feel and if he still doesn't understand, next time he's got an erection, laugh at it and leave the room. See how he feels.

By lolnothanks | 18

#6234851 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:14

Men are confusing

By mxgirl1998 | 26

#6234852 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:14

He shouldn't have gotten mad. You deserve better, A for effort!

Reply

Unixxxion | 22

#6235372 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 22:43

agreed!!! He should be happy at the least!

By fallenshadow16 | 25

#6234853 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:14

As long as you felt sexy in it that's all that matters. I'm sure he didn't mean any harm anyway :)

By LonelyBoy5920 | 15

#6234854 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:15

50 Shades of nope...

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#6234876 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:58

50 shades of nay

Reply

Miss_Chevious | 37

#6234888 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 10:33

at least it isn't 50 shades of gay

Reply

LonelyBoy5920 | 15

#6235241 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 19:38

Bit homophobic dont ya think.

By 17031990 | 20

#6234855 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:15

Next time he comes out of the shower or something, laugh at him, see how he likes it!

Reply

ladybugz23 | 13

#6235102 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 16:24

I would do that and see how he feel.

Reply

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6240150 - Sunday 22 March 2015 18:09

He'd probably think you're just a nutter for laughing at nothing. It'd be better to just have a fully planned revenge, always go full ass, don't half ass anything.

By wakemeupplease | 21

#6234856 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:18

I'm confused shouldn't you be the one supposed to get mad? :D
PS: hope he won't get mad at me cause I'm confused :p

By Noheartbeat | 19

#6234857 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:18

Sorry to hear that OP!
Just go talk to him and explain how you're feeling.

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#6234877 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 10:00

You mean horny? If this didn't clue him in...

Reply

MDoremis | 38

#6234902 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 10:44

I think she meant the feelings of hurt and inadequacy her husband gave her by laughing at her efforts.

By gracehi | 31

#6234858 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:18

You mean being laughed at for your attempt at seduction didn't turn you on and make you feel super confident? How strange. No wonder he was confused.

Reply

heirofhope | 38

#6234941 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 12:21

Sorry, I think I'm a little confused. Did he laugh, leave, and then come back to see her changed, and get angry? Was he planning on having sex with her? So sorry for my confusion.

Reply

Setareh23 | 34

#6235068 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 15:08

#32 yup that's pretty much the gist of it
In any case, when I see the type of people who complain about how "confusing" their SO is because of stuff like this, I just assume they're complete idiots.

Reply

nameisname | 12

#6236912 - Thursday 19 March 2015 11:01

Sorry my brain is slow. How is that suppose to make you confident?

Reply

hersheykisses511 | 18

#6237445 - Thursday 19 March 2015 21:48

Sarcasm