Intimacy: Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy... - FML

By anonymous - United States - Spokane

Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Dementia or hate? You decide

Greed

By ragingwaffles - United States - Chico

Today, my blind date thought the best way to start off is to show up blind drunk. She ended up puking on the table and leaving me to pay. FML

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By anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, the only conversation I had with my mother where she didn't explode into a hissy fit was about peanut butter vs. almond butter. And even then she was starting to get mad at me. FML

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By Emily - France

Today, I woke up to a good friend of mine leaving my bed. The very friend I've had a crush on for months, and knows exactly how I feel about him. Everything was great until he said, "Yeah, about last night... It's just that you were there, and I was weak. See ya." FML

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By cait - United States

Today, I went to get the Apple store, my Mac had been making a grinding noise from the fan. The guy put his ear to the keyboard and said there was a CD in the drive so I couldn't hear the grinding from the fan. He ejected the CD. It was porn. FML

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By HighasaCloud

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

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By DarrenP - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I got a burn on my foot from a Pot Noodle I didn't even want. FML

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By phansmootchie - United States

Today, I lost my keys. My roommate locked me out, then yelled at me when I made her come home to let me in. I tore my room apart searching for them, and even went out to search my locker room. When I got home, I glanced at my wall only to find my keys hanging on the hook I set up specifically for them. FML

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By scarlet - Canada

Today, on the bus, a large smelly man was sat next to me, pushing me against the divider and sliding into me on every turn. When he got up for his stop, his pants had loosened and his bare ass was staring me in the face. FML

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By clairebear104 - United States - Louisville

Today, I went on a blind date. My date would respond to me by saying "retweet" and "favorite" when she thought something was relatable. FML

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By LittleArtist - United States - Bessemer

Today, after 3 weeks of hard work, I finally finished painting my room. Apparently my 6-year-old brother thought I wasn't done and that he should help me out. I now have little red handprints all over my white walls. FML

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By swarm20 - United States - Mankato

Today, I called security at my school because I left my mittens in a classroom and it was locked. When the security officer showed up, he asked if the mittens I was looking for were the ones on my hands. I even had to take one of them off to call them. FML

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By nick - Canada

Today, working my pizza delivery job, I got a $45 parking ticket for parking in a no stopping zone. I argued with the bylaw enforcement officer, but no luck. I was so pissed, I yelled at him: "You have the worst job in the world", to which he replied: " Buddy, you deliver pizza!" FML

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By radicaloser - United States

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I like. All of a sudden, he pulls out a small vial of his blood to give to me, proving his undying love. Curious, I asked where he had gotten the blood. His answer? A razor blade. In his nose. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, after the longest time, I went to the gym. I ran and ran and ran on the treadmill for an eternity, beating myself up for getting so overweight. Then I tripped and fell off, sweating and sobbing for being so useless. When I looked up, I saw I'd been on the machine for barely 2 minutes. FML

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By soundslikeadumbcommentersituation - Canada - Brampton

Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML

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By OfCourse - United States

Today, I learned my 40 year old father is marrying a girl barely a year and a half older than me. She told me not to be afraid to call her mom. I was torn between punching her in the face and vomiting. FML

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By fuckyoutoo - Canada - Armstrong

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't share food after I tried taking a chip from him. I made popcorn that night, and when he tried to take some, I said, "I'm sorry, I don't share food" to get him back. His response? "I can tell." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was running late for work and quickly grabbed my outfit from the dryer. I heard the crackling of static as I took out my shirt. I didn't think anything of it, until later when my co-worker pointed out I had a thong stuck to my back. FML

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By LadyLola - United States - Dayton

Today, my mom visited. While she was using the bathroom, my man-child of a husband thought it would be funny to knock on the bathroom door with his penis, thinking it was me in there. She opened the door to find him standing there doing the "helicopter". FML

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By DreDre

The charity

Today, I found out that the dude I love has been taking the money I used to support him and buying heroin with it. FML

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By me - United States - Bronx

Today, as a part of my autobiography project for school, I needed to have 2 friends and 2 family members each write me a letter. I ended up having to forge 3 letters. FML

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By Girl - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing catch with my 6 year old cousin in the garden, when he demanded a piggy back. Trying to be the good cousin, I did so and he soon shouts "Run! Run!" so I do so. Suddenly he shouts "STOP! My winky's gone pointy". I gave my 6 year old cousin an erection. FML

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By titkip - Kenya - Nairobi

Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I am too demanding. FML

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By Oh dear... - United States

Today, I told my college friend that I considered her to be my best friend. She responded, "I don't think you should call me that." FML

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By ppema - United States

Today, I went to a frozen yogurt stand with my dad. One of the flavors was called "Juicy Cherry." I had to stand there and watch in horror as he told the woman running the stand all about how he'd like to taste her juicy cherry. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Daphne

Today, I went to Waffle House to talk to the manager about getting a job. My boyfriend now wants to beat up the manager for giving me his number so that I can call him whenever I'm done filling in the application. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

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By ellisp1

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

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By S. - Estonia

Today, I bought a pack of toothpicks. There were 500 of them. When I got home I accidentally dropped the pack. After twenty long minutes of picking them up, I dropped them again. FML

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By wolfpacking - France

Today, I was in the car with my friends. A techno song came on and we started fist pumping. We hit a bump, I fist pumped myself in the face, and crashed into a stop sign. FML

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By Still Waiting - United States - Wenatchee

Today, I had an appointment. After 2 hours of waiting in the sun, my mom finally picked me up and lectured me on how irresponsible my dad was for not communicating with her. Not 5 minutes after I got home, my dad showed up and gave me the same exact lecture about my mom. FML

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By fuckingdieyouoldhag - United States

Today, I was taking a selfie. My grandma saw me, then after smirking to herself, she went and told my parents that I was "doing that sexting thing". They believed her and grounded me, even after I showed that all my photos and sent messages were totally innocent. FML

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By cacheson

Forever Alone

Today, I finally felt the inspiration to write creatively again. I worked for an hour on a character concept before I realized I'd actually created an imaginary sister/best friend for myself because I’m so lonely. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 23:04

Poker Face

Today, I have to get a thyroid ultrasound. I'm a 25 year-old cancer survivor; it took amputating my left leg to beat the last one. My doctor has dealt with my hypochondria for years, long enough to know his face when I should be worried. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML

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By *sneeze*

Today, it's my wife's birthday. Since I had work, I gave her $200 to spend on herself and left. When I came back with dinner and the movie she wanted, I found her with a dog. She is very attached to him because the shelter was going to put him down. I love him, but I'm allergic to dogs. FML

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By fouryearswasted - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend of four years is legally married to a man in prison. He gets out next week. FML

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By Phantommajik - United States

Today, I was stuck at the airport overnight waiting for my flight for about 5 hours. I then went and looked at the departures board. It said that my flight had already departed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Slidell

Today, a customer got angry with me, because store policy says we can't accept returns of unsealed video games unless there's actual damage to the disc. The guy got enraged and started yelling about how I'm a "useless fuckwhistle". I almost got written up for laughing so hard at the insult. FML

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By insideout - United States

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

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Top comments

By gracehi | 31

#6234858 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:18

You mean being laughed at for your attempt at seduction didn't turn you on and make you feel super confident? How strange. No wonder he was confused.

By mxgirl1998 | 26

#6234852 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:14

He shouldn't have gotten mad. You deserve better, A for effort!

COMMENTS

By mxgirl1998 | 26

#6234849 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:12

(1st..yay)
That sucks op. He shouldn't be mad at you..you deserve better.
A+ for trying!

By cheesyfeet2001 | 31

#6234850 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:13

Don't worry op! See if you can talk to him about it.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6235027 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:39

laughed and left the room for ten minutes? maybe you did turn him on and he went to take care of some business.. if ya know what I mean op ;)

Reply

derpina72 | 23

#6235151 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 17:10

Tell him how it made you feel and if he still doesn't understand, next time he's got an erection, laugh at it and leave the room. See how he feels.

By lolnothanks | 18

#6234851 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:14

Men are confusing

By mxgirl1998 | 26

#6234852 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:14

He shouldn't have gotten mad. You deserve better, A for effort!

Reply

Unixxxion | 22

#6235372 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 22:43

agreed!!! He should be happy at the least!

By fallenshadow16 | 25

#6234853 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:14

As long as you felt sexy in it that's all that matters. I'm sure he didn't mean any harm anyway :)

By LonelyBoy5920 | 15

#6234854 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:15

50 Shades of nope...

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#6234876 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:58

50 shades of nay

Reply

Miss_Chevious | 37

#6234888 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 10:33

at least it isn't 50 shades of gay

Reply

LonelyBoy5920 | 15

#6235241 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 19:38

Bit homophobic dont ya think.

By 17031990 | 20

#6234855 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:15

Next time he comes out of the shower or something, laugh at him, see how he likes it!

Reply

ladybugz23 | 13

#6235102 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 16:24

I would do that and see how he feel.

Reply

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6240150 - Sunday 22 March 2015 18:09

He'd probably think you're just a nutter for laughing at nothing. It'd be better to just have a fully planned revenge, always go full ass, don't half ass anything.

By wakemeupplease | 21

#6234856 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:18

I'm confused shouldn't you be the one supposed to get mad? :D
PS: hope he won't get mad at me cause I'm confused :p

By Noheartbeat | 19

#6234857 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:18

Sorry to hear that OP!
Just go talk to him and explain how you're feeling.

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#6234877 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 10:00

You mean horny? If this didn't clue him in...

Reply

MDoremis | 38

#6234902 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 10:44

I think she meant the feelings of hurt and inadequacy her husband gave her by laughing at her efforts.

By gracehi | 31

#6234858 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:18

You mean being laughed at for your attempt at seduction didn't turn you on and make you feel super confident? How strange. No wonder he was confused.

Reply

heirofhope | 38

#6234941 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 12:21

Sorry, I think I'm a little confused. Did he laugh, leave, and then come back to see her changed, and get angry? Was he planning on having sex with her? So sorry for my confusion.

Reply

Setareh23 | 34

#6235068 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 15:08

#32 yup that's pretty much the gist of it
In any case, when I see the type of people who complain about how "confusing" their SO is because of stuff like this, I just assume they're complete idiots.

Reply

nameisname | 12

#6236912 - Thursday 19 March 2015 11:01

Sorry my brain is slow. How is that suppose to make you confident?

Reply

hersheykisses511 | 18

#6237445 - Thursday 19 March 2015 21:48

Sarcasm