Miscellaneous: Today, I told myself: "Go on you big geek, go outside, get some...

By Dr_JF - France

Today, I told myself: "Go on you big geek, go outside, get some sun, get your ass away from in front of your PC, go for a walk". I finally muster the courage to leave my house. Without my keys. I've been in an internet cafe for four hours. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Buzzing the tower

They're everywhere

By ishouldhavebeenbornrich

Today, at work, a man wanted to buy a garden hose which came up on the till as £1.99. He said that it was wrong and that it should be £1.89, so he then demanded that I called someone down to set it right. He held 20 customers up for 15 minutes to get 10p off a garden hose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11472

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1211

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By ahh - United Kingdom

Today, the last person I invited to my birthday party called and said they couldn't come because another party "came up" and they "hope I understand". It's on December 31st. This happens every year without fail. FML

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30837

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 02:01

Gas giant

Today, I tend to get bloated in the afternoons when I suffer from stress. Lately, I've been so stressed out that I'm seriously considering buying maternity pants, because not even my stretchiest sweat pants will fit me after 4 p.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1264

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192

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By unlucky_vee_13 - United States

Today, I was talking to my 81-year-old widowed grandmother on the phone, and she told me she was giving up sex for lent. Not only do I now have a vision of my grandma having sex, I am reminded that she is having more sex than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72077

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By themildthings - Germany

Today, whilst working as a language assistant in Germany as part of my degree, some 9 year-old German kids asked me to please speak English to them because my German was so poor. FML

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17471

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By Jonathan

Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in my bed. Two minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML

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73318

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By ugh - Canada

Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

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20933

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By let ‘Er rip

The Sweet Smell of Success

Today, I was out on my first date in months. My stomach didn’t feel quite right after dinner, but I tried to ignore it. During the movie, it got so bad I decided to try to sneak a small fart for relief. As soon as I did, the theater fell dead silent. My fart practically echoed in the silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1608

You deserved it

531

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By alsayslegit - United States

Today, I was at a party, and I sat down on a chair. While conversing with friends, I shifted places on the chair, and broke it. Embarrassed, I then stood up and change chairs. After moving to the next chair, I broke that one too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58117

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21438

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By whatashame - United States

Today, my dad was on the couch and I sat down next to him. As I was reading a text message, I saw my dad's fat stomach sticking out so I patted it. After the first two pats, I realized I was patting in the wrong place. I patted the family jewels. FML

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22392

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By monogamyisalie - United States

Today, an attractive man hit on me for the first time since I ended my 3-year relationship with my cheating ex. Then the man told me he'd just gotten out of prison last week. FML

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27936

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By unemployed - El Salvador - San Salvador

Today, my boss made me give a presentation to several senior company officials about the serious financial losses our division has made this year. Barely an hour later, my boss had palmed all the blame off onto me and gotten me fired. FML

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42699

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By Ugh - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I'm looking forward to my orthodontist's appointment more than I'm looking forward to my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10544

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1037

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By Laundrylady - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat doing my clothes when I noticed a cute guy next to me. I tried to be a ninja and sneak my sock into his basket so I could start a conversation with him. He saw me. FML

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10439

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By argh - United States - Houston

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

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7083

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33345

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By Trainspotting - United Kingdom

Today, Amazon didn't deliver the present I bought my mother for Mothering Sunday, so she called me an 'Ungrateful bastard.' And about half an hour ago, I cut my thumb whilst making her lunch. She said, 'You're doing this on purpose so I feel sorry for you. Well I don't.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

40666

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3712

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By Leo_RxXx - United States

Today, I was getting off of work, talking to my boss and I asked if I could get a ride home, since my usual ride was too lazy to come get me. He said, sure, but to be really careful since he just had his car detailed. I was getting in the car, tripped and threw my hot cocoa all inside of his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48051

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By Traveler

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

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24975

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By derped-out sperm - Ireland

Today, I had to rush my 14-year-old son to the hospital after he fell out of a tree while trying to take an obnoxious "extreme selfie". FML

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49001

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By n - United States

Today, my boyfriend made me breakfast because I had a cold. Because my nose was so stuffed, I couldn't tell that our milk had gone bad. I had two cups. And now I'm stuck on the toilet. FML

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32027

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By Jayanka

Today, my 17-year-old daughter has been sending and receiving videos and pictures of a sexual nature. I just had to wade through a ton of middle-aged dick pics as evidence for the police. FML

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5042

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577

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I drove 100 miles from my parents house to mine. I had only a few miles left when I realized I really had to pee. I didn't want to pull over somewhere when I was so close to home, so I sped up. A cop pulled me over a block from my house. I started to sob, and ended up peeing myself. FML

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37137

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By Anonymous - United States - Compton

Today, I was at a pool party with my friends. I really had to pass gas so I moved a bit from the group and let it rip. Instead of bubbles surfacing a brown cloud of poo rose instead. FML

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1509

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By hating labels - Australia

Today, at breakfast, my sister labelled me a "feminist." My whole family now refuses to talk to me for more than 30 seconds, and acts as though I have an incurable, highly contagious disease. FML

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23790

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By Anonymous

Sounds illegal

Today, I got a lot of tips at work, but little did I know our boss takes it out of our paychecks. FML

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1834

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113

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By tawnaciousd - United States

Today, my sister surprised me by cleaning my room and doing my laundry. She found my journal, condoms and vibrator and decided to share her findings with my family. Oh yes... she also shrunk half my wardrobe. FML

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41962

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By emmmbo - Australia

Today, my brother and I proposed to our girlfriends at the same time. We had perfect synchronization after practicing for days. My brother's girlfriend said yes, mine said no. FML

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55700

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By Jack W. - United States

Today, my cat regurgitated his food right on top of a heating vent located on my floor. Now the whole house smells like hot vomit. FML

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22965

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2020 20:00

Vultures

Today, after spending a few weeks getting to know my birth father and thinking he seemed decent, he's realised my adoptive parents aren’t rich and no, I can’t lend him a few grand. Now, he’s vanished and written several nasty Facebook posts about not being able to trust family. FML

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2167

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Today, I noticed that my 80-year-old mother has gone through 50+ bottles of my home-made wine. She only moved in with me a month ago. And now I have no wine. FML

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2108

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212

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By dangit - United States

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

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22957

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14163

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By Bee - Canada

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

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40831

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8282

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

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31170

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By fijiflu

Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML

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21446

You deserved it

1514

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By Rachel - United States - Waynesburg

Today, I was passing notes in class with my crush. I started to pour my heart out and tell him about how I've liked him for years. I was caught by the teacher. He looked at it, laughed, and tore it up. He then looked at me and said, "I just saved you from years of embarrassment. You're welcome." FML

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42865

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister got fired and I got promoted to her job, got a nice payrise for it. My relationship with my sister will never be the same again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2529

You deserved it

308

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By Idiot - 16/12/2020 19:58

Pencils down

Today, I took an exam, for which I have been studying for weeks, I was confident at first, but then really struggled with it. I finished with about ten minutes to spare, turned to what I thought would be the end of my paper and found the first page of questions I was supposed to have answered. FML

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788

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272

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered the top I'm wearing becomes completely see-through when it rains. I just got caught in a storm on my lunch break, and still have 3 hours of work to go in my male dominated office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27462

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8641

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By loves the smell of burning flesh - United States

Today, I drove past a fragrant steakhouse and my mouth began to water and my stomach started rumbling, which would've been perfectly fine if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a vegan and an animal lover. My confused body craves burning flesh. FML

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14626

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By Anonymous

Today, as I was pulling out of my apartment complex, I was rear-ended. When I got out of my car to see how bad the damage was, I wondered why the other guy wasn't getting out of his. As it turns out, he was busy pleasing himself. I found out when I approached his car. FML

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7779

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Top comments

By cndrow | 0

#924 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:36

You wanted to go outside and try this "sun" thing... I dunno dude, that sh*t makes me sneeze and burns my skin.
I'd much rather stay inside with the soft glow emanating from WoW's login screen with my boyfriend as we relax together. =3

By Wowaddict_fml | 0

#29570 - Friday 13 March 2009 9:51

lol havent been out there in a while...
WoW's outside scenery is much better imo

COMMENTS

By cndrow | 0

#924 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:36

Violet_X | 3

#341902 - Friday 26 June 2009 9:57

High five man, same here. lol

IronLionZion_fml | 0

#845275 - Thursday 11 February 2010 18:30

The Lich King has no need for sun!! Niethet do the rest of us..

gotdapowa | 0

#1538078 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 16:15

wow>having a life lol

yohooooooo | 5

#2536055 - Friday 20 May 2011 0:50

15 Lich King may not not but Deathwing does!

Naaboo | 0

#2599115 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 10:12

Wow same as me and my boyfriend XD

denktron420_fml | 0

#2798627 - Friday 1 July 2011 16:44

op and #1 are both losers.

ii_tayman | 0

#3583434 - Monday 14 November 2011 7:10

#32. You are one of those people aren't you... You know the ones that take things way to seriously

By arienh4 | 0

#9508 - Saturday 28 February 2009 23:15

Ah, the life of a geek.

GiddyXD | 0

#976039 - Thursday 8 April 2010 0:26

I no it's horrible D: ( Im addicted too D;)

By Wowaddict_fml | 0

#29570 - Friday 13 March 2009 9:51

lol havent been out there in a while...
WoW's outside scenery is much better imo

By schlifeyhyphy | 0

#111818 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 1:31

wow.. you better be from Antarctica

By NoNameAtAll_fml | 1

#254401 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 15:41

You must have no life or friends if you are afraod of going outside

ThatSucksAlotYDI | 0

#1923040 - Monday 3 January 2011 10:29

You must be dumb if you cant spell 'afraid'.

Jonah171 | 12

#2121709 - Friday 25 February 2011 7:14

It's called a typo, asshole.

By the way, it's 'can't,' not 'cant'. And you're a hypocrite.

warsun | 27

#5859761 - Sunday 16 February 2014 8:21

Well you can make friends if you play online role playing games. I mean half my friends I met on final fantasy 14 arr

By Nickyxy | 0

#272976 - Saturday 6 June 2009 2:46

U have a serious problem!

By lonleygirl1928 | 0

#290496 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 22:06

wow ur so like me im addicted and my mom thinks so too i think all computer addicts should start a club

Uncle_Moe_Lester | 3

#2277999 - Friday 1 April 2011 20:09

there already is a club it's WoW

brenton490 | 19

#6599713 - Saturday 7 May 2016 23:12

Join the online sensation.

By Alfredo_fml | 0

#449531 - Sunday 2 August 2009 6:20

Fml is fucked up it isn't shuffling... Fml

By bballer32 | 0

#493238 - Monday 17 August 2009 9:50

By soccer94 | 0

#704057 - Friday 4 December 2009 12:40

ggggggggg