Today, I told myself: "Go on you big geek, go outside, get some...

By Dr_JF - 15/12/2008 07:11 - France

Today, I told myself: "Go on you big geek, go outside, get some sun, get your ass away from in front of your PC, go for a walk". I finally muster the courage to leave my house. Without my keys. I've been in an internet cafe for four hours. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Deep-seated resentment

Trip Advisor says no

By ZAS - 15/6/2009 07:45 - United States

Today, my mom and I rented a hotel room. She decided to go to bed, while I watched MythBusters. Apparently, my mom got hot while she slept. She threw the covers off of herself and pulled up her night-gown. I turned to find out that my mother does not wear underwear when she sleeps. FML

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By - 6/4/2019 02:00

Today, I went on a date for the first time in ages, only to realize that the guy I was seeing chose to take us to a restaurant to stalk his ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2020 02:00

Getting the point across

Today, I was discharged from hospital and I took a cab home. The driver drove really fast and made sharp turns that made me feel nauseous. As I opened my mouth to tell him to slow down, I threw up all over the back seat. FML

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By bushwhacker - 5/3/2015 23:34 - United States - Wichita

Today, it's been almost two months that I've been taking hair, skin and nails vitamins. The only thing growing noticeably longer, faster, stronger, and healthier are my pubes. I've never sheared a sheep before, but I imagine the maintenance I just did was comparable. FML

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By Non-active - 25/9/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don't participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won't call on me cause he can't pronounce my name. FML

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By NotSoClean - 21/7/2009 18:53 - United States

Today, I noticed that my very expensive facial cleanser was almost out. I had moved in with my boyfriend recently, and questioned him, telling him "You don't have to use so much to wash your face. That's a $70 bottle." To which he responded, "Oh, that nice-smelling stuff? Yeah, I use that on my junk." FML

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By Hesintrouble - 23/7/2013 19:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's boss. She was wondering if he was okay, since he hasn't shown up to work for the past two weeks. Now I'm wondering where he's been going when he leaves the house each day. FML

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By smartass - 30/5/2015 02:31 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized that a classmate and I have the same glasses. To prove it, I tried bending his glasses, since mine are flexible and can bend. I snapped his glasses in half. FML

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By concusion - 23/8/2010 09:03 - United States

Today, I found out the "small termite problem" the inspector told me about wasn't so small when a box from the attic fell through the floor and hit me in the head. FML

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By avalanche719 - 26/8/2010 15:09 - United States

Today, I went to pay my vehicle registration in person to avoid paying the $10.00 online service fee. After a long wait, I came out to find a $15.00 parking ticket on my car. FML

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By Ohgodhelpme - 25/10/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my birthday. Sounds sweet, right? Then he invited my 10/14-year-old cousins to our house. They surprised me in my room. While I was using it. FML

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By GirlfriendsAreBadForYourBack - 6/8/2013 16:01 - United States - Lynbrook

Today, I was feeling down because I always think that I'm overweight. My boyfriend tried to prove me wrong by lifting me up. I threw his back out. FML

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By limpdick9 - 19/11/2014 18:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cop car was tailing me. I was scared, and trying to avoid any tickets, I drove straight through a huge pothole rather than swerving to avoid it. The cop pulled me over and insisted I was intoxicated, because "anybody in their right mind would've dodged that pothole." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I decided to dress up a little to go out to the bar. I put on a nice shirt, some leggings and heels. When I walked out the door my dad said that I looked like a whore. When I got to my boyfriends house I told him what my dad had said and he replied "I'd have to agree with him." FML

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By Nightsong - 30/3/2016 02:54 - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, I saw a ridiculously hot guy dining with his family. I decided not to flirt with him with his parents around but to ask his sister (who went to the restroom) to give him my phone number. When I came back, I saw her pointing a finger at me, and the whole family turning around and staring. FML

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By thatsnotacat - 21/11/2013 17:52 - Australia - West End

Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML

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By "Marlon4136" - 14/9/2017 01:30

Today, as an usher at a beauty pageant, I was helping other patrons when a group walked past me and sat. I politely asked to see their tickets, but one of the women got angry and ripped hers up to throw the pieces in my face. Without a ticket, I had to kick her out. The police were called. FML

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By taperjeangirl - 21/2/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

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By IDIOT - 28/3/2014 20:11 - United States

Today, a would-be customer practically kicked my store door in, then got pissed and started throwing around insults after I told him that we were still closed, hence the closed sign. He claimed the sign was "confusing". FML

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By fuck yuo - 1/9/2012 20:50 - Canada - Saint John's

Today, my clumsiness has reached such legendary proportions in my family, that when I visited my grandparents, I found they'd put stickers all over their glass doors, so I wouldn't have "yet another painful accident". FML

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By Angry Mob - 1/2/2013 06:09 - Australia - Sydney

Today, most of my neighbours came to my house in an angry mob to complain about my dog barking. I don't have a dog. FML

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By smyp - 27/5/2015 22:27 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I was let go from my job, because I "progress too quickly and there's no promotions available" and I "can find a better place to work at". FML

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By fionna_fiamma - 12/12/2015 13:33 - Slovenia - Maribor

Today, my boyfriend came to my house for the first time. Today was also the day my body decided to throw up violently for four hours while he awkwardly sat beside me, waiting for his ride home. FML

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By rplovez - 5/9/2011 23:14 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML

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By collegegirl90 - 9/3/2009 20:52 - United States

Today, my best friend resolved things with her boyfriend after he had admitted to cheating on her. I felt really guilty because I drunkenly hooked up with her boyfriend last month. She said, "I felt better when he told me that the girl was extremely ugly and bad in bed." FML

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By textfail - 28/2/2009 17:03 - United States

Today, my teacher confiscated my cell phone for text messaging. He said he would give it back if the next text that I would receive was important. I prayed the guy I've been texting didn't send the dick pic he said he was going to. He did. FML

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By Grrrrr - 1/3/2009 00:50 - United States

Today, after working for my company for 10 years, my co-workers threw me a farewell party. The boss gave quite an eloquent speech, ending in "we're really gonna miss you Mark." My name is Evan. FML

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By clutzasaurus - 3/5/2013 05:35 - United States - Odessa

Today, I was feeling down about being stuck in bed after ankle surgery. I thought I would go ahead and call my boss and let him know everything went well. He said the obligatory nice things, then told me that if I'm not at work on Monday, I'll be fired. I can't even get out of bed. FML

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By Breezie - 14/10/2019 20:00 - United States

Hi Zach!

Today, at work, a customer commented that I look like Zach Galifianakis. I'm a girl. FML

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By kiwi - 13/2/2009 19:24 - United Kingdom

Today, as I was getting dressed after having sex with a guy I like, he told me I looked better with my clothes on. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2012 03:50 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive problem" they'd all been complaining about. Eleven different people made guesses at what the problem had been, ranging from how bad I smell to if I had learned to brush my teeth. I just meant that I'd fixed the coffee machine. FML

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By handyjon - 1/3/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML

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By Anonynonynon - 13/2/2015 19:05 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I'm working for a company that makes over a million dollars a year, yet leaves me with no choice but to pee in a cup because they won't pay to fix the only toilet in the building. FML

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By ifpigsflew - 4/10/2010 23:31 - New Zealand

Today, I got hit by a Salami log thrown from a car; its metal wire cut my shoulder. I got scarred by a flying hunk of pig. FML

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By drivencrazy - 6/7/2010 16:42 - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

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By bregaja - 25/2/2016 18:59 - United States - Brandon

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his mom for the very first time. After shaking my hand and looking me up and down, she loudly proclaimed, "She doesn't have the right hips to have kids." FML

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By Jammy238 - 1/2/2010 05:27 - France

Today, I was taking my dogs for a walk, then it started to rain, and the wind went mad. I ran for cover in the trees near a bridge, slipped and fell into a river. I was soaking wet and my boots were full of water. Then to get back out of the river, I had to use stinging nettles as hand holds. FML

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By Jake - 7/3/2012 11:14 - United States

Today, my mom told me that Walmart had called and I had an interview at 9:30. I went to Walmart. They told me they didn't have any interviews set up. I went back home and listened to the voice-mail on her cellphone. It was the Subway in Walmart. I've been looking for a job for 3 months. FML

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By angelisa - 21/11/2015 14:54 - United States - Yuba City

Today, I finally felt ready to lose my virginity with my boyfriend. Unfortunately he was too embarrassed to go and buy some condoms, and suggested in all seriousness that we use a sandwich bag instead. FML

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By joi9496 - 1/1/2018 01:30

Today, at age 23, I met my absentee father. He went on about how much he missed me and wanted to know more about me. He then asked if I knew where he could get some good weed, and said he'd share it to make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmases. FML

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Top comments

By cndrow | 0

#924 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:36

You wanted to go outside and try this "sun" thing... I dunno dude, that sh*t makes me sneeze and burns my skin.
I'd much rather stay inside with the soft glow emanating from WoW's login screen with my boyfriend as we relax together. =3

By Wowaddict_fml | 0

#29570 - Friday 13 March 2009 9:51

lol havent been out there in a while...
WoW's outside scenery is much better imo

COMMENTS

By cndrow | 0

#924 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:36

Violet_X | 3

#341902 - Friday 26 June 2009 9:57

High five man, same here. lol

IronLionZion_fml | 0

#845275 - Thursday 11 February 2010 18:30

The Lich King has no need for sun!! Niethet do the rest of us..

gotdapowa | 0

#1538078 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 16:15

wow>having a life lol

yohooooooo | 5

#2536055 - Friday 20 May 2011 0:50

15 Lich King may not not but Deathwing does!

Naaboo | 0

#2599115 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 10:12

Wow same as me and my boyfriend XD

denktron420_fml | 0

#2798627 - Friday 1 July 2011 16:44

op and #1 are both losers.

ii_tayman | 0

#3583434 - Monday 14 November 2011 7:10

#32. You are one of those people aren't you... You know the ones that take things way to seriously

By arienh4 | 0

#9508 - Saturday 28 February 2009 23:15

Ah, the life of a geek.

GiddyXD | 0

#976039 - Thursday 8 April 2010 0:26

I no it's horrible D: ( Im addicted too D;)

By Wowaddict_fml | 0

#29570 - Friday 13 March 2009 9:51

lol havent been out there in a while...
WoW's outside scenery is much better imo

By schlifeyhyphy | 0

#111818 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 1:31

wow.. you better be from Antarctica

By NoNameAtAll_fml | 1

#254401 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 15:41

You must have no life or friends if you are afraod of going outside

ThatSucksAlotYDI | 0

#1923040 - Monday 3 January 2011 10:29

You must be dumb if you cant spell 'afraid'.

Jonah171 | 12

#2121709 - Friday 25 February 2011 7:14

It's called a typo, asshole.

By the way, it's 'can't,' not 'cant'. And you're a hypocrite.

warsun | 27

#5859761 - Sunday 16 February 2014 8:21

Well you can make friends if you play online role playing games. I mean half my friends I met on final fantasy 14 arr

By Nickyxy | 0

#272976 - Saturday 6 June 2009 2:46

U have a serious problem!

By lonleygirl1928 | 0

#290496 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 22:06

wow ur so like me im addicted and my mom thinks so too i think all computer addicts should start a club

Uncle_Moe_Lester | 3

#2277999 - Friday 1 April 2011 20:09

there already is a club it's WoW

brenton490 | 19

#6599713 - Saturday 7 May 2016 23:12

Join the online sensation.

By Alfredo_fml | 0

#449531 - Sunday 2 August 2009 6:20

Fml is fucked up it isn't shuffling... Fml

By bballer32 | 0

#493238 - Monday 17 August 2009 9:50

By soccer94 | 0

#704057 - Friday 4 December 2009 12:40

ggggggggg