Today, I told my boss I was too sick to come to work. He asked...

By randa - 5/4/2011 07:30

Today, I told my boss I was too sick to come to work. He asked if I had a late night so I told him I stayed in. Apparently I ran into him at a bar last night and was too drunk to remember it. FML

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Work

Nice neighborhood

Rich people problems

You snooze, you lose

By fishingforubies2 - 24/7/2015 14:02 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

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By rashree - 13/2/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory." When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2016 19:46 - United States

Today, the police finally recovered my stolen car. All it took was a shootout and two people dying. FML

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By anonymous - 10/12/2015 02:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML

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By unknown - 30/3/2013 19:02 - France

Today, I went on my fifth date with my new girlfriend. Apparently, she was in such a rush while leaving work that she forgot to take off her wedding ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, my friend told me that he was having a scrabble tournament at his house with a bunch of our friends. I told my dad about the tournament and he gave me a special scrabble dictionary to bring. Hesitantly, I brought the dictionary and as I walked in everyone was playing beer pong. FML

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By tye61 - 16/1/2016 12:54 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I finished a 2 hour Skype call with my girlfriend, only to realize I was using mobile data. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2017 22:00

Today, I went to Sunday school for the first time. The priest assured us we could ask him anything, so I did. When class ended the priest pulled me and my mom aside and asked her to stop bringing me to Sunday school until "she learns not to question the bible and accept what she is told". FML

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By NoHipster - 3/6/2020 05:02

Crazy people

Today, while I was waiting for a bus, a nutjob-looking dude walked up to me, then hissed, "You hipster scum, you don't even need those glasses," before forcibly removing them and snapping them in half. I was wearing regular clothes, and those prescription glasses cost me $500. FML

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By bad timing - 3/9/2019 15:01 - United States - Monterey Park

Uncomfortable

Today, at work, my manager accidentally bumped into me, brushing my behind with the back of his hand. He was a bit embarrassed, so I jokingly said, “You could at least buy me dinner first!” He went to HR and told them I made him uncomfortable. I was just trying to lighten the mood. FML

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By Arghh - 13/4/2011 13:34 - United States

Today, I had an allergic reaction to cranberry juice. The only reason I was drinking cranberry juice was to help with a bladder infection. Now I'm covered in what looks like a rash and peeing constantly. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I found out my dad ate my pet rabbit two years ago. He said he ran away. FML

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By HeSucks - 25/12/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a box of chocolates for Christmas. I thought it was sweet until I noticed the heart drawn on the back. It's the same box of chocolates I gave him for Christmas. Christmas last year. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2016 12:55 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, I was on an airplane that was experiencing some turbulence. Feeling anxious, I reached over and grabbed my husband's hand for comfort. He then said, "Why are you scared of dying? You're not even pretty." FML

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By Boulette - 23/6/2014 05:44 - France - Dammartin-en-go?le

Today, I was on vacation, when a very cute guy starting talking to me and asked me what my name was. Overwhelmed and stressed out, I blurted out that I didn't have one. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 23:59 - United States

Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML

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By Rachel - 18/5/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, I was planning on meeting my friend at the mall. She came late, and I was in the dressing room trying on a few things. When I came out to meet her, she looked at me oddly and said, "You shouldn't buy that, it looks terrible on you." Those were the clothes I came in. FML

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By anon - 29/1/2015 18:32 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I woke up after taking the new sleeping pills I was prescribed for my insomnia. I slept for 12 hours and had 5 missed calls from my boss. FML

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By Inkabadger - 20/11/2009 18:41 - Canada

Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

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By leem - 27/8/2014 21:21 - Belgium - Zoersel

Today, as I was driving out of a parking lot, some douchebag yelled at me: "Nice car! Too bad you're so ugly!" It was my friend's car, so I don't even have that going for me. FML

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By bluedevil26 - 3/3/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

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By Noname - 6/3/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I found out my four best friends are going to Florida for spring break without me. When asked why I was not invited to go with them the answer I received was, "we don't think you would look very good in a bathing suit, and we want to be able to pick up cute guys on the beach." FML

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By IsThisRealLife - 1/2/2016 17:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML

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By jelrid - 13/7/2016 04:38 - United States - Holt

Today, my worst fears were realized as an insect pinged off the back of my mouth while I was singing along to the radio on my motorcycle. FML

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By gorillalove - 11/9/2010 19:25 - United States

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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By sleep deprived - 15/11/2019 20:00

Three years

Today, it's been three years since my sister gave me a kitten. Coincidentally, it’s also been three years since I've had sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2013 17:04 - United States

Today, while video chatting with my girlfriend, who lives on the other side of the country, I thought I'd play a song for her on my guitar. The string broke and hit me in the face. I burst into tears and had to hang up. FML

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By Facepalmum - 10/1/2013 06:28 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my 14-year-old son showed me a "bird's egg" he was looking after in his room. It was a dried up dog turd. FML

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By ihateteenagers - 30/12/2011 02:12 - United States

Today, a punk-looking college kid was making fun of my mentally handicapped son. Out of anger, I punched him in the face. I got handcuffed and thrown into a police car. The kid stood there laughing and pointing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, my window got busted and won't shut properly. I live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they can't fix it for a couple of days. It's below freezing in my dorm and I can see my breath while trying sleep. FML

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By NotThatButton - 11/9/2015 01:59 - United States - Missoula

Today, I accidentally deleted my landlord's pictures of his child's graduation, girlfriend, daughter and vacation when he asked me to delete a video off his phone. FML

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By axwound - 27/12/2010 13:04 - United States

Today, I was in bed with my cat on my lap. No one was around, so I felt comfortable enough to let out a huge fart. What I didn't expect was my cat jumping up and then clawing and biting my crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2013 19:25 - Thailand - Bang Bua Thong

Today, I realised that I've never been able to successfully cook a meal outside of World of Warcraft. FML

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By Loveless - 9/4/2018 13:00 - United States - Ashland

Today, I asked my girlfriend of 8 years if we should get a bigger place. She responded by insisting she get her own place. FML

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By Unwanted - 2/8/2012 06:50 - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss turned to everyone and said, "Allow me to escort this trash out of the office." Everyone cheered. FML

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By pinkpurplegurl - 24/9/2015 14:33 - China

Today, while taking the subway home, a woman offered me her seat. I smiled and declined. She said she insisted because of my "pregnancy". I was too ashamed to say I'm not pregnant that I just took the seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

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By P4ntless - 26/10/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I'm single. Last night, I decided it would be silly to leave my phone in my car before I went to my roommate's brother's birthday party. Highlights of the evening include: Beer Pong, a keg stand, and breaking up with my girlfriend via text message. I don't remember the last one. She does. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2013 02:12 - United States

Today, my mother came into my workplace to wail on me for "ruining our family's reputation" because I got a girl pregnant. I've been married to the "girl" for 8 years. FML

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Top comments

By iDrejer | 0

#2298783 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 15:52

That sucks, but ydi for drinking that much with work the next day, not so smart :P

By robc32ca | 4

#2298794 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 15:54

so how is it? writing a new resume with a hangover?

Comments

By iDrejer | 0

#2298783 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 15:52

That sucks, but ydi for drinking that much with work the next day, not so smart :P

killab420 | 0

#2298811 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 15:58

YDI for being a liar.

JCHammer | 5

#2299606 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 21:50

YDI for not drinking, you filthy Prohibitionist!

iBanana | 17

#2301231 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 3:32

^^ Really? OP needs to learn how to handle drinking, instead of being irresponsible.

iDrejer | 0

#2303413 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 10:43

Deserve what? Nothing bad happened to me by staying sober :P

JCHammer | 5

#2306467 - Thursday 7 April 2011 2:18

That's debatable.

By khaya | 9

#2298787 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 15:52

Now the question is, do you remember what he did to you?

NotYourOrdinary7 | 6

#2298818 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 16:03

Obviously not, seeing as the OP does not even remember seeing the boss. Common sense isn't so common any more, huh?

khaya | 9

#2298826 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 16:05

I remember three guys who lost their memory of a crazy night and they managed to piece the night together, Why can't OP.

MissFukMyLuck | 0

#2298861 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 16:18

haha ^ this guy!!! I miss nights like that!

jazziness | 12

#2299059 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 17:42

omg r u talking about the hangover???

RedPillSucks | 31

#2299115 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 18:13

He should be able to piece it together after noticing he's bleeding rectally.

T3P33_fml | 0

#2299128 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 18:20

#8 is new here ^^

NotYourOrdinary7 | 6

#2299331 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 20:02

#27 No I'm not. Stop assuming things.

cloudy01 | 0

#2299513 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 21:18

yes u are

PrickHead | 0

#2299553 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 21:29

#9 lmao the hangover
...you should've told your boss you were assulted by a little chinese man who you found in your trunk

iRhymeWithHeaven | 0

#2299677 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 22:13

HE WAS HOME AND THE BOSS WAS DRUNK AND TOOK HIM AS THE WRONG PERSONS IDIOTS.

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#2300945 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 2:22

Oh, the flagrant idiocy. I remember the good old days when all the dunces kept their head down and remained silent so no one would realise they were fools.