Work: Today, I told my boss I was too sick to come to work. He asked...

By randa

Today, I told my boss I was too sick to come to work. He asked if I had a late night so I told him I stayed in. Apparently I ran into him at a bar last night and was too drunk to remember it. FML

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Work

Our house, in the middle of our street

This Charming Man

Late term

By Anonymous

Where is it?

Today, as I was reviewing my EMS textbook, I decided I would practice taking my own pulse. I started with finding my femoral artery with no success. My mom walked in on me while I had my hand almost up my crotch, muttering to myself, "Why don't I have one?" FML

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By akward - United States

Today, I began my job as an intern at a high school. I saw one of the students looked very familiar, and I couldn't remember from where. Then I figured it out, I had hooked up with him at a club last week. He's a junior in high school, I'm in my last year of college. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 08:00

Lemon or haunted?

Today, our boiler broke. Yesterday, it was our fridge. The day before that, the deck collapsed, and a few weeks ago the dishwasher flooded the kitchen. This is after we spent a ton of money to have the house gutted due to a mold problem. We only bought the house a year ago, and have lived in it even less. We need to move. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally finished my art project which was worth 50% of my quarterly grade. I came in 1st period to give it to her. When she turned to look at it, her elbow hit her coffee and spilled it all over the canvas. I got 60%. She said I would have had a 100%, except for the giant coffee stain. FML

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By Mewsmash - United States - Dublin

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2021 22:01

Find me someone to love

Today, I re-started the Grindr app several times because I wasn’t receiving notifications. Turns out it wasn’t malfunctioning, it was just that I didn’t get a single message. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 11:02

Yeah, just blame me!

Today, after I found out my husband cheated on me and then yesterday had to stop him from trying to kill himself, he's now moved out and has decided that this is all my fault. FML

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By tokinallday - United States - Kingsport

Today, my mom and step-dad tore my room apart looking for the stash of drugs they thought I had. I've never touched drugs in my life, and I guess they believe me now. Didn't stop them from making me clean up the mess they made, though. FML

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By UghNo - United States - Clarkston

Today, my first client as a freelancer screamed at me and threw a notebook at my head. I quit my job to become a freelancer because my boss would often scream and throw things at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2021 00:01

Weird movie choice

Today, I had my first ever date. He invited me to dinner and a movie. Then he put on "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out, so I had to wait till the end of the film. FML

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By NotAMorningPerson - United States

Today, after informing my boss I needed stress leave from my 70 hour a week shifts, I got my new work assignment. Sixty hours a week starting at 2am. FML

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By Black - Lebanon

Today, I caught my cat humping my dog while he was asleep. I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML

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By Dalistair - United States - High Point

Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML

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By uhmwow

Today, I got fired from my job. A coworker that strongly dislikes me convinced my boss I took a day off because I was going to a Trump rally. FML

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By needs_another_loan - United States

Today, while I was at work, my wife discovered you cannot put out a grease fire with water. I came home to a frantic spouse, a fire department bill, and a newly destroyed kitchen. FML

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By aarong - United States - Tampa

Spotified

Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML

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By jnisla - United States - Conway

Today, I had horrible morning sickness, but being starving, I had some canned soup. My husband soon came into the room and commented on how the leeks in the soup looked like chunks of vomit. The visual caused me to vomit all over the table. FML

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By Rae - United States - Chicago

Today, after weeks of intense studying with the intent of pulling my grades up, I saw that in fact, they've all gone down. FML

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By jewel87 - United States

Today, I decided to wear my Ugg boots to work. I forgot that my office is carpeted and that the fur in my boots makes me shock every metal thing I touch. I work with computers all day. FML

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By ChangingTheLocks

Call The Police!

Today, I came home after a long day at work to find the furniture in my living room had been rearranged by my mother-in-law. When asked how she got in, she told us she stole my husband's key and made herself a copy. She can now come here whenever she wants, unless I change the locks. FML

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By Randall - United States

Today, my uncle had a flashback to Vietnam. I'm now missing a tooth and have a cracked rib. FML

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By tiredofcrazy - Australia

Today, my boyfriend stormed out after I suggested to him that his relationship with his mother is maybe a little weird. Apparently having regular, hour-long phone discussions about your penis is a perfectly normal thing for a 23-year-old to have with his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I started my first day of work at our local humane society. I asked where the break room was, so my coworker directed me to a small room in the back of the building. The only place I get to take my lunch break is the same room where they euthanize, freeze and cremate the animals. FML

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By bushy brows - United States - Prior Lake

Today, I recently gave birth to my daughter, and my husband and I both have dark hair and bushy eyebrows. We never thought it was a problem until our daughter was born with a dark, bushy unibrow. Now I'm too nervous to take pictures of her 'cause our family and friends laugh every time they see her. FML

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By Lichelle - United States

Today, my parents got back from their weekend ski trip. I had a few parties over the weekend and had cleaned up absolutely EVERYTHING; beer cans, throw up, spilled drinks, etc. The only thing I forgot about was the condom someone left in my parents bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, nobody wanted to come to my graduation after finding out that my father was coming too. FML

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By spacemanspiff78

Just joking, dude!

Today, while standing in line at the supermarket, I reached past my wife to get a pack of gum. She jokingly did the "battered wife flinch" to get a laugh, and smiled at me from behind her hand. The cop staring at us obviously didn't notice the smile and definitely didn't think it was funny. FML

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By PollingLow - United States - Decatur

Today, I ran for editor-in-chief of a magazine. I spent hours working on my speech, and offered a bunch of new ideas to increase readership. My opponent just said that she, "loved the organization". I lost by a 4-1 margin. My opponent later announced her plans for next year. They were all of my ideas. FML

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Incomprehensible

Today, I arrived in Tokyo and went to stay overnight in a teeny airport cabin hotel with shared bathroom facilities. I used the little wicker baskets to put my clothes on and when I came out of the shower, I found someone had stolen my favorite top. Who steals dirty clothes?! FML

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By JWags

Today, at 30 years old, my wife asked why I'm circumcised when my parents aren't religious. I didn't know I was circumcised. FML

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By tipmeover - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had a job interview at a café. The interviewer asked me my availability and I told her that I was fully flexible. She laughed and said, "Really? That's tragic." FML

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By Schmolly - United States

Today, I had a mental break down. Many things have been going completely wrong in my life, and I finally decided to let my boyfriend know about it. After about an hour of explaining and pouring my heart out, his response was "I think we were better off as friends." FML

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By lisa - United States

Today, my recently married friend took off her wedding ring to make bread. Being single and pathetic, I tried it on to see what it would look like. It got stuck on my finger. The ER doctor had to cut it off. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, wanting to break up with my boyfriend, I invited him to dinner with my parents. I was sure they'd hate him, which would give me the excuse I needed. They ended up loving him, and now they won't stop mentioning marriage. FML

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By Etherealskye1023 - 14/12/2020 11:01 - United States - Douglassville

Great parenting, dude

Today, my dad told me that I'm nothing but a burden because I can't work, and disability is worth nothing. It's not my fault I ended up in an abusive foster home that left me with spinal cord damage. FML

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By desocrates - United States

Today, at about 1 a.m. I got a drunk text from my girlfriend thanking me for the amazing sex last night. I have been out of town for 3 days. FML

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By pleasestop - Australia

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Pune

Today, I decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. My dad just looked him dead in the eyes and said, "How much did she pay you? I doubt it was enough." FML

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By moronicmoroccan - Philippines

Today, we received a wedding invitation from a couple who are renting an apartment from us. They haven't paid rent for several months. My father is listed as the "principal sponsor." FML

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By cock blocked - United States - San Francisco

Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML

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Top comments

By iDrejer | 0

#2298783 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 15:52

That sucks, but ydi for drinking that much with work the next day, not so smart :P

By robc32ca | 4

#2298794 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 15:54

so how is it? writing a new resume with a hangover?

COMMENTS

By iDrejer | 0

#2298783 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 15:52

That sucks, but ydi for drinking that much with work the next day, not so smart :P

killab420 | 0

#2298811 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 15:58

YDI for being a liar.

JCHammer | 5

#2299606 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 21:50

YDI for not drinking, you filthy Prohibitionist!

iBanana | 17

#2301231 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 3:32

^^ Really? OP needs to learn how to handle drinking, instead of being irresponsible.

iDrejer | 0

#2303413 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 10:43

Deserve what? Nothing bad happened to me by staying sober :P

JCHammer | 5

#2306467 - Thursday 7 April 2011 2:18

That's debatable.

By khaya | 9

#2298787 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 15:52

Now the question is, do you remember what he did to you?

NotYourOrdinary7 | 6

#2298818 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 16:03

Obviously not, seeing as the OP does not even remember seeing the boss. Common sense isn't so common any more, huh?

khaya | 9

#2298826 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 16:05

I remember three guys who lost their memory of a crazy night and they managed to piece the night together, Why can't OP.

MissFukMyLuck | 0

#2298861 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 16:18

haha ^ this guy!!! I miss nights like that!

jazziness | 12

#2299059 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 17:42

omg r u talking about the hangover???

RedPillSucks | 31

#2299115 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 18:13

He should be able to piece it together after noticing he's bleeding rectally.

T3P33_fml | 0

#2299128 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 18:20

#8 is new here ^^

NotYourOrdinary7 | 6

#2299331 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 20:02

#27 No I'm not. Stop assuming things.

cloudy01 | 0

#2299513 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 21:18

yes u are

PrickHead | 0

#2299553 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 21:29

#9 lmao the hangover
...you should've told your boss you were assulted by a little chinese man who you found in your trunk

iRhymeWithHeaven | 0

#2299677 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 22:13

HE WAS HOME AND THE BOSS WAS DRUNK AND TOOK HIM AS THE WRONG PERSONS IDIOTS.

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#2300945 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 2:22

Oh, the flagrant idiocy. I remember the good old days when all the dunces kept their head down and remained silent so no one would realise they were fools.