Today, I thought I'd take my little sister to the park. After...

By Abeille - 17/3/2011 00:50 - Canada

Today, I thought I'd take my little sister to the park. After getting bored of playing on the climbers, she thought it would be funny to throw some mud at me; too bad mud wasn’t the only chunky brown stuff on the ground. FML

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Kids

Oh, hai!

White line fever

No one likes a smart-ass

By nootnoot - 10/5/2016 06:33 - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, some people in my class here in New Zealand found out that I'm from Canada, then spent the rest of the period asking if I had a pet moose and whether or not I lived in an igloo. They were completely genuine questions. FML

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By Kfeaaa - 24/2/2009 02:31 - United States

Today, I ran up to my boyfriend and gave him a kiss. I didn't understand why the girl next to him got upset, but it turns out the voicemail I deleted by accident was him breaking up with me. FML

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By mybad - 11/9/2014 03:57 - United States

Today, at work, a midget came in to buy beer. Not only was he almost as tall as me, he got offended when I had to card him and explain that the manager told me to card everyone, and that it wasn't because he was short. FML

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By Temporalvisions - 13/7/2017 16:30 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was showing off the Mount Kilimanjaro tattoo that I got after climbing it. It's a silhouette of the mountain and the word "KILI" in bold. My girlfriend told her friends it was actually the Lonely Mountain from The Hobbit, and that Kili was my favorite dwarf. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2012 16:44 - United States

Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML

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By misc - 10/2/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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By lonely - 23/8/2011 16:49 - United States

Today, my cats found my box of condoms. This is the third one they've chewed up. The worst part? They've gotten more use out of them in the last two months than I have. FML

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By Dilly - 10/10/2010 20:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was tidying my room when my gran came in and offered to help. I said I didn't need any, but she started going through it anyway. She found a tube of "Very Cherry" lube and asked what it was. I subtly tore off the label and tried to convince her it was a face mask. She's taken it to try it out tonight. FML

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By moonlight77 - 11/1/2019 14:00

Today, I deliberately snapped a pic of myself and edited it to add to my story, in order to make my ex think I have a life on a Saturday night. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2013 08:03 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, it was my son's fifth birthday. I asked my grandmother, who is a baker, to make a birthday cake for the party. Two hours after the party started, she arrived drunk with a large ham with candles in it. FML

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By WoofWoof - 7/12/2009 18:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He was quiet, I heard barking in the background. FML

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By Wannabees - 3/4/2012 05:13 - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

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By aherdofpigs - 2/9/2013 19:22 - United States

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2011 18:15 - United States

Today, I realized that as a result of working in an office which has an oddly-placed window, the direct sunlight has caused the left side of my face to become significantly darker than the right. Just call me Harvey Dent. FML

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By soconfused - 3/3/2015 10:15 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I have been at my new job for almost a month and still have no idea what I'm doing. FML

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By Happyunlucky - 20/7/2013 06:31 - United States - Andover

Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be outdone, my sister immediately announced that she "might" be getting pregnant soon. My family ended up congratulating her instead, and asked me if I would plan the baby shower. FML

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By easilyexited - 1/4/2009 12:16 - United States

Today, we were swimming in gym class. There are some cute girls in our class and they were wearing their bikinis. I was looking at them when I got an erection but since I was underwater I thought no one would see. I'm on the diving team so my teacher asked me to demonstrate a dive to the class. FML

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By Lisa - 18/7/2014 20:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me out on a date. He doesn't have a car, but he said he'd borrow transport from his neighbor. He showed up at my house on a ride-on lawn mower. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2010 19:28 - United States

Today, in the middle of class, I sneezed out the biggest, wettest booger I have ever seen in my life. I'd used the inside of my elbow to cover my nose, but I neglected to notice that my hair had fallen over my shoulder. I couldn't get it all out of my hair and I don't think any believed me when I said it was hair gel. FML

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By srs - 11/8/2018 20:30

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home drunk from a party last night. They said I couldn't hang out with my best friend anymore as he's a "bad influence". He was the only one sober in our group and drove me home safely. FML

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By captfml - 15/12/2010 22:32 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom in a rush to get ready. Without thinking, I put hand soap on my toothbrush. I didn't notice until it was already in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my son couldn't find all the parts to his Cub Scout uniform. I had a serious talk with him about being prepared, and how he would need to live with the consequences of not having the right outfit on. When we arrived at the meeting, everyone was in costumes because it's Halloween. I forgot. FML

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By rick - 2/12/2013 21:15 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I held the door for an elderly woman. As she walked through, she looked at me and told me I was a very handsome man and that I should meet her grandson. The woman was my grandmother, and yes, I'm straight. FML

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By Someguy - 6/6/2011 18:55 - Belgium

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to declare my love to the girl I have a crush on. I guess I shouldn't have gone and kissed her without warning, because now my face is covered with slap marks, and I had to explain myself at the police station for sexual harassement. FML

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By backtosquareone - 4/10/2011 05:22 - Asia/Pacific Region

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Devastated, he withered onto the floor into an inconsolable wreck in front of dozens of people. The ribbon of embarrassment that went down my spine was too much for me to handle, so I had to tell him I was "only joking." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2016 20:18 - United States

Today, I found out how acidic some of the chemicals I work with are. After a chemical shower, minor burns, and having to throw away my clothes due to a biohazard, I had the pleasure of running across the parking lot to my car, wearing only a lab coat around my waist. FML

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By heathenhaha - 10/2/2017 20:21 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML

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By friendless - 6/8/2019 00:01

Today, the reason I’d rather elope with my fiancée than have a wedding is because I have no friends. FML

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By Scooter - 25/9/2018 05:00

Today, I replaced the battery in a closet’s electronic keypad door lock, and I accidentally locked myself inside. My family was traveling, so I had to call a neighbor. He got me out, but took pictures and posted to social media. FML

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By Reasondon - 13/12/2010 08:29 - United States

Today, I found out my cousin had moved to Texas. I would have been okay with it, were it not for the fact that not only did I loan him $3,500, but I was supposed to go with him too. FML

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By DAMMit - 27/7/2009 08:12 - Australia

Today, I decided I was going to dump my needy girlfriend. I was about to break the news when she stopped me. She showed me her new tattoo she had gotten. Our names, surrounded by a love heart spread across her back. She reckons I should get a matching one. FML

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By Autocorrected - 26/11/2012 20:13 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found he had put tons of hot sauce in it. I rushed to drink from a soda can sitting on the counter, only to find that my mom had used it as an ash tray the night before. I can still taste the hot sauce, and the ash. FML

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By ForeverYoung - 17/8/2019 12:00

Today, I got mistaken for a high school freshman. It’s my 23rd birthday. FML

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By anonymous - 11/12/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, while standing in line at a local Mexican fast food place, I was feeling generous and let a little kid behind me go in front. Turns out he had a list, and was ordering food for his whole family. I had to wait 30 minutes to get my food. FML

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By theynamedmeluke - 23/9/2013 22:49 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML

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By davy0540 - 30/11/2014 06:09 - United States

Today, my wife and I drove two hours from our rural town to buy a new sofa. When we got home, it took us an hour to figure out there was no way to fit it through our door. We made the two hour drive back to return it, only to find the store was closed. FML

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By dramaqueen - 14/4/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he dates me. He immediately responded, "Well, TV shows are boring and predictable, so you're a good source of fresh and interesting drama." FML

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By anonymous - 21/10/2013 06:53 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I noticed that my sweat smelled like cat food. FML

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By mannnnn - 8/7/2009 05:21

Today, I went into work to change a shift I was unable to work. I phone the first person on the employee sheet and they promptly answer by saying "You still work here? I thought the manager fired you..." I was fired last week and have been showing up for shifts without anybody noticing. FML

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By fantastic - 3/2/2012 18:47 - France

Today, I went to the store to get Valentine's Day gifts to decorate my boyfriend's and my new apartment. He was there shopping with his wife. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#2193268 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:20

That's pretty crappy -- your sister's a real little shit. So, what was the brown chunky stuff?

By InnocentLies | 0

#2193266 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:20

That stinks.

Comments

By marmots | 0

#2193243 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:16

ew...

mhnilo88 | 0

#2193358 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:31

maybe it was dry dog poo... not fresh... that would be much worse. fyl for having a sister that evil. you should trade her in for a nicer one.

craaazymonkey | 0

#2193461 - Thursday 17 March 2011 9:05

mmm...

MissBunny25 | 0

#2194386 - Thursday 17 March 2011 15:08

"if you have any poo, fling it now".

jose190617 | 0

#2196995 - Friday 18 March 2011 1:11

I stepped in dog poop today if it makes you feel better now my moms car smells bad

By catalystics | 2

#2193247 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:17

did u punch her?

SnowFlakeInAK | 7

#2193299 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:23

Really? Why do you ask each FML OP if they've punched something?
You have issues; I suggest professional help.

j300zx | 0

#2193808 - Thursday 17 March 2011 11:24

You mean falcon punch her?!

smileeee_fml | 0

#2193962 - Thursday 17 March 2011 12:28

i would get her back with revenge ... just saying.

MissBunny25 | 0

#2194388 - Thursday 17 March 2011 15:10

30 faaallllccccooooonnnn punch!!

tulsafml | 0

#2194591 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:04

it's st Patrick day so pinch her

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#2195412 - Thursday 17 March 2011 20:48

falcon kick works just as well, i hear.

|the kid|

By InnocentLies | 0

#2193266 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:20

That stinks.

jpark5 | 0

#2193373 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:33

aha!

craaazymonkey | 0

#2193506 - Thursday 17 March 2011 9:23

BAH!

doughd00d | 1

#2198295 - Friday 18 March 2011 5:30

I see what you did there ;)

luke1998 | 0

#2198518 - Friday 18 March 2011 6:34

oh i get it now

helloimjoshlol | 0

#3259149 - Thursday 8 September 2011 23:44

mmmm mmm mmm

By perdix | 29

#2193268 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:20

That's pretty crappy -- your sister's a real little shit. So, what was the brown chunky stuff?

MyChemical_fml | 0

#2193276 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:21

Mud...

craaazymonkey | 0

#2193437 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:50

chocolate fudge ... mmmm

SmallyBigs | 9

#2193638 - Thursday 17 March 2011 10:06

Can I say it?... that was a shitty situation.

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2193791 - Thursday 17 March 2011 11:17

Fertilizer?

jonan1212 | 5

#2193877 - Thursday 17 March 2011 11:52

pooOOP

T3P33_fml | 0

#2194699 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:30

chocolate. 2nd hand chocolate.

IStoleTheCookies | 16

#2194879 - Thursday 17 March 2011 17:49

it was a dildo... and it hit OP on the forehead.

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#2195457 - Thursday 17 March 2011 20:59

are you guys all dense? did you not notice the numerous (and ridiculously clichéd) poop puns he made?

|the kid|

Adorlee | 11

#2195872 - Thursday 17 March 2011 22:47

Obviously it was brownies

Hello_kitty_love_fml | 0

#2197765 - Friday 18 March 2011 3:41

choclate? 50 day rule! :D

epople | 5

#4763647 - Thursday 2 August 2012 14:21

Haha

By Foexo | 0

#2193278 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:21

Should've thrown it back. Just sayin.

By badmamujamu | 0

#2193284 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:22

no no u got it all wrong it was pudding

j300zx | 0

#2193885 - Thursday 17 March 2011 11:53

No you got it wrong!
It was snickers!

MissBunny25 | 0

#2194396 - Thursday 17 March 2011 15:11

happy peanuts soar, over chocolate covered mountain tops , and waterfalls of caramel... dancin nougat in the meadow, sings a song of satisfaction toooooooo the world.
snickers song.

By truehitman2010 | 0

#2193343 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:29

was the other brown chunky think a chocolate bar? I've been searching for it all day

By baseballin25 | 0

#2193362 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:31

climbers?

By enonymous | 8

#2193426 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:45

Should have taken her to the ice cream store the first time she asked instead of the shitty park.

By WolfRayet104 | 0

#2193439 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:50

how,....disturbing.
this reminds me of the time I was little, and I was rolling (yes,rolling) down the hills at the park, and I rolled over a pile of dog....dookie.

GLiTTeRz | 0

#2195035 - Thursday 17 March 2011 18:53

lol that's HIGHlarious