Today, I thought I'd take my little sister to the park. After...

By Abeille - 17/3/2011 00:50 - Canada

Today, I thought I'd take my little sister to the park. After getting bored of playing on the climbers, she thought it would be funny to throw some mud at me; too bad mud wasn’t the only chunky brown stuff on the ground. FML

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Kids

Instadrama

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

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By ShitHappens - 24/10/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, while on the phone with my boyfriend, I really needed to poop. Badly. He was in the middle of telling a story, so I figured I could get away with muting the phone while on the toilet. Halfway through, he suddenly went silent. I forgot to mute the phone. FML

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By Sleep Deprived - 25/12/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was awoken by my wife, once again. It seems that whenever I stop snoring, she thinks I died so she has to wake me to make sure I'm still living. She does this almost every night, every hour. FML

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By yournick - 31/1/2011 21:23 - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

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By crybaby - 12/4/2013 05:58 - United States - Elmont

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going well until I noticed a picture of a dog hanging on the wall, which reminded me of the ending of Marley and Me. I started crying and had to be escorted out. FML

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By PhilDavisDied? - 30/9/2010 10:33 - France

Today, after pulling up to my girlfriend's house for dinner with her parents, one of my favorite rock songs begin to play on the radio. After my 3 minutes of air drumming, I look up to see my girlfriend and her parents bouncing with laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2012 09:43 - Canada

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2012 21:10 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2013 23:22 - United States - Glastonbury

Today, my daughter believed that watching the Big Bang Theory would count as studying for her chemistry final. FML

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By Shamu - 14/2/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML

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By ThirteenThirteen - 1/4/2015 22:09 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I was sent the script to a play I'm participating in at school. After reading it a couple of times, I noticed that my part has been forgotten completely. FML

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By fme - 8/12/2010 14:34 - United States

Today, I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2013 05:26 - United States - Saint Maries

Today, my mother and grandmother informed me that my sixteen-year-old dog died. I was standing in Wal-Mart at the time. They then yelled at me because crying in public is "inappropriate." FML

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By disciplinaryaction - 21/11/2011 07:02 - United States

Today, a woman and her daughter came into the store I work at. The girl placed a pair of underpants on the counter, and confessed she had stolen them earlier. Assuming she had already heard a lecture, I simply thanked her for bringing them back. Her mom yelled at me for not yelling at her. FML

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By Sun_Kissed18 - 9/7/2014 07:26 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, at my job at a frozen yogurt shop, an elderly woman gladly announced that I'd be seeing a lot of her due to the vaginal infection that she has. Thank you for that, ma'am. FML

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By imnotastranger - 9/5/2014 03:01

Today, I was teaching my 4 year old daughter how to use "stranger danger". Later that day, we went out and since I didn't buy her a ice cream, she kept screaming "STRANGER DANGER!" A total stranger tackled me until the cops arrived. FML

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By thechimpchapter - 31/12/2011 06:48 - United States

Today, I found out that the neighbor I'd given a bottle of wine to for Christmas is a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By phantomthelabrat - 31/3/2014 12:24 - United States - Fargo

Today, I was assigned to be the one to teach Grandpa how to use his new smartphone. An hour in, and we're still going over volume controls. FML

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By Idk - 12/12/2018 08:00 - United States - Wilton

Today at work I had recieved a lot of phone calls. I thought maybe it was a scammer line because I never recieve calls. Turns out my phone number was a character's same number in a TV Show. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 21:16 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my husband and I went on vacation. We got lost and had to ask the locals for directions to our hotel. Neither of us could understand their accents, and we ended up wandering around blindly for hours until we made it back on our own. FML

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By anonymous - 6/11/2010 22:37 - Canada

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend in the dark, he grabbed onto a fat roll and asked, "Is this your stomach or boob?" I didn't have the heart to tell him it was a back roll. FML

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By tina - 22/11/2019 20:00

He is proud of the duration

Today, I finally had sex with my new boyfriend, well, penetration anyway. Turns out, he has premature ejaculation, and no idea how bad at sex he is. He actually thought he did a good job by lasting 20 seconds. He was done after 4 thrusts and was somehow confused. I didn't orgasm either. FML

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By mandybar15 - 14/12/2012 23:52 - United States - Norman

Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2010 20:10 - United States

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to the DMV to take my drivers test. FML

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By hexphoenix - 7/4/2015 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at my job, a couple became angry with me because I charged them for an extra ranch they'd ordered, as I'm supposed to. When I explained how it says in the menu how any additional sauces are an extra charge, she said nastily, "That's okay, we'll just take it out of your tip". FML

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By takeiteasy - 7/1/2009 03:58 - France

Today, my wife and I went to a wedding. At one in the morning, when the cheese was being served, we were starting to fall asleep at the table, so we went to our car to take a short nap. When we woke up it was 5am, and the party was over. FML

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By badizzle - 15/9/2019 22:00

Helmut Newton strikes back

Today, my art teacher fawned over my friend's photographs of random children and people making out, while she called my picture of an old man looking thoughtful on a pier "creepy" and "voyeuristic." FML

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By batsu - 27/1/2012 06:48 - Canada

Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML

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By zstarr - 14/7/2012 11:15 - United States - Rome

Today, I realized my boyfriend uses sex as a way to get me to stop talking. FML

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By Homeless? - 7/11/2016 11:07 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I have been vomiting for 4 days. Tomorrow, my landlord is insisting on inspecting my flat. I now either have to clean my house whilst trying not to throw up all around it, or fail my inspection. FML

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By Cuzles - 23/3/2011 16:11 - United States

Today, I locked the door to our only bathroom so my two year old wouldn't get in and make a mess. I crapped my pants while trying to unlock it with the key that rests on the frame. FML

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By robbed - 14/10/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, I realized I was happy because we finally started having friends come visit us after months of not having company. I also realized that our secret stash of money was stolen last night while we had company. FML

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By Alyssa - 13/2/2012 00:01 - United States

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2013 00:28 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned my dog had eaten a roll of vet wrap, which is like a long strip of bandage. I learned this when she tried to pass it in the yard today, and could only do so with my help. It seemed to never end. FML

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By Lunab123 - 1/2/2015 02:43 - United States - Potomac

Today, I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom emailed all of my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of "morning sickness". Thanks mom. FML

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By t-dawg - 9/5/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

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By jackpot - 9/5/2011 01:53 - Venezuela

Today, I was in a parking lot looking for a spot, and after driving around for a long while I finally found one. A homeless man was taking a shit on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 01:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML

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By guest - 1/4/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, my wife decided that to help her stop smoking, she's also giving up the things that make her crave a cigarette. Sex is one of them. FML

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By ... - 10/2/2010 09:08 - United States

Today, my pissed off girlfriend used window marker to write racist comments on my car window. This would include: nazi symbols, white power, and a few others I won't mention. I live in a predominately black neighborhood. FML

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By coffeewench - 22/8/2017 04:29

Today, while I was reading in a park, a drunk bum started talking to me. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, he said, "You're really pretty, and you have nice eyes, but you have chubby cheeks. What's up with that? Did you eat a lot of peanuts when you were a kid or something?" FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#2193268 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:20

That's pretty crappy -- your sister's a real little shit. So, what was the brown chunky stuff?

By InnocentLies | 0

#2193266 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:20

That stinks.

COMMENTS

By marmots | 0

#2193243 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:16

ew...

mhnilo88 | 0

#2193358 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:31

maybe it was dry dog poo... not fresh... that would be much worse. fyl for having a sister that evil. you should trade her in for a nicer one.

craaazymonkey | 0

#2193461 - Thursday 17 March 2011 9:05

mmm...

MissBunny25 | 0

#2194386 - Thursday 17 March 2011 15:08

"if you have any poo, fling it now".

jose190617 | 0

#2196995 - Friday 18 March 2011 1:11

I stepped in dog poop today if it makes you feel better now my moms car smells bad

By catalystics | 2

#2193247 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:17

did u punch her?

SnowFlakeInAK | 7

#2193299 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:23

Really? Why do you ask each FML OP if they've punched something?
You have issues; I suggest professional help.

j300zx | 0

#2193808 - Thursday 17 March 2011 11:24

You mean falcon punch her?!

smileeee_fml | 0

#2193962 - Thursday 17 March 2011 12:28

i would get her back with revenge ... just saying.

MissBunny25 | 0

#2194388 - Thursday 17 March 2011 15:10

30 faaallllccccooooonnnn punch!!

tulsafml | 0

#2194591 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:04

it's st Patrick day so pinch her

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#2195412 - Thursday 17 March 2011 20:48

falcon kick works just as well, i hear.

|the kid|

By InnocentLies | 0

#2193266 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:20

That stinks.

jpark5 | 0

#2193373 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:33

aha!

craaazymonkey | 0

#2193506 - Thursday 17 March 2011 9:23

BAH!

doughd00d | 1

#2198295 - Friday 18 March 2011 5:30

I see what you did there ;)

luke1998 | 0

#2198518 - Friday 18 March 2011 6:34

oh i get it now

helloimjoshlol | 0

#3259149 - Thursday 8 September 2011 23:44

mmmm mmm mmm

By perdix | 29

#2193268 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:20

That's pretty crappy -- your sister's a real little shit. So, what was the brown chunky stuff?

MyChemical_fml | 0

#2193276 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:21

Mud...

craaazymonkey | 0

#2193437 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:50

chocolate fudge ... mmmm

SmallyBigs | 9

#2193638 - Thursday 17 March 2011 10:06

Can I say it?... that was a shitty situation.

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2193791 - Thursday 17 March 2011 11:17

Fertilizer?

jonan1212 | 5

#2193877 - Thursday 17 March 2011 11:52

pooOOP

T3P33_fml | 0

#2194699 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:30

chocolate. 2nd hand chocolate.

IStoleTheCookies | 16

#2194879 - Thursday 17 March 2011 17:49

it was a dildo... and it hit OP on the forehead.

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#2195457 - Thursday 17 March 2011 20:59

are you guys all dense? did you not notice the numerous (and ridiculously clichéd) poop puns he made?

|the kid|

Adorlee | 11

#2195872 - Thursday 17 March 2011 22:47

Obviously it was brownies

Hello_kitty_love_fml | 0

#2197765 - Friday 18 March 2011 3:41

choclate? 50 day rule! :D

epople | 5

#4763647 - Thursday 2 August 2012 14:21

Haha

By Foexo | 0

#2193278 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:21

Should've thrown it back. Just sayin.

By badmamujamu | 0

#2193284 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:22

no no u got it all wrong it was pudding

j300zx | 0

#2193885 - Thursday 17 March 2011 11:53

No you got it wrong!
It was snickers!

MissBunny25 | 0

#2194396 - Thursday 17 March 2011 15:11

happy peanuts soar, over chocolate covered mountain tops , and waterfalls of caramel... dancin nougat in the meadow, sings a song of satisfaction toooooooo the world.
snickers song.

By truehitman2010 | 0

#2193343 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:29

was the other brown chunky think a chocolate bar? I've been searching for it all day

By baseballin25 | 0

#2193362 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:31

climbers?

By enonymous | 8

#2193426 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:45

Should have taken her to the ice cream store the first time she asked instead of the shitty park.

By WolfRayet104 | 0

#2193439 - Thursday 17 March 2011 8:50

how,....disturbing.
this reminds me of the time I was little, and I was rolling (yes,rolling) down the hills at the park, and I rolled over a pile of dog....dookie.

GLiTTeRz | 0

#2195035 - Thursday 17 March 2011 18:53

lol that's HIGHlarious