Miscellaneous: Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us... - FML

By -__-

Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Late term

Don't do favors for strangers

By Anonymous - United States - Whittier

Today, I realized how truly insecure I really am, when the guy in the show I'm watching looked straight into the camera and I immediately looked away. FML

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By socially awkward - United States

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

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By Daughter of a Dork - United States - New York

Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend. With that revelation, I did some investigating on my own. The other woman is apparently my boyfriend's "cute little" Marshadow that slaughtered my dad's "godlike" Incineroar in a 3DS battle they had. FML

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By Damn You Fortnite

Today, I discovered that my little brother sold my PS2, 3 and 4 along with all of my games in exchange for credits to use in Fortnite. I've had some of that stuff since before he was born. FML

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By TragicallyAnxious

Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML

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By Ben - United States

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

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By LightsOut - United States - Melbourne

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

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By FUSMC - United States

Today, I came home on leave from a 7 month deployment to Iraq. I wanted to see my girlfriend today, but she needed to spend time with her sick grandmother. As it turns out, her sick grandmother and my cousin are the same person. FML

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By Monkeyless - United States - Providence

Today, it was confirmed that the "no pet rule" in my apartment complex is so strict that I'm not even allowed to have sea monkeys. FML

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By muffintop - Canada

Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML

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By that was mine - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

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By backtosquareone - Canada

Today, after weeks of therapy for severe depression, my therapist thought it would be helpful to confess my deepest problems to my friends, to prove that it was alright to trust people. I did. They laughed. Hard. FML

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By ontherun2012 - United States

Today, I finally received my passport. Too bad my flight to Italy left last week. FML

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By thanks sis - United States - Reading

Today, my sister asked me to grab her some toilet paper. I refused, so she grabbed my favorite shirt out of the laundry basket and used it to wipe. I was busy icing my sprained ankle. I couldn't walk. She knew this. FML

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By V - United States

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Beautiful, smart, academic, charming, a true gentlemen, totally my type. I am at a bar voted "the best gay bar in the world". FML

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By T-Shain - United States

Today, I rear-ended a car. While we were waiting for the police, we made small talk, at which time I learned he was an attorney. FML

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By buggingout - United States

Today, it's the first day of my Hawaiian honeymoon. We found out that the pool is under construction and our room is infested with roaches. We are paying $375 a night for this. FML

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By grandma - United States - Barnesville

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

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By notanidiot - United States - Lansing

Today, I laughed when I shouldn't have and am probably fired. What happened? My boss asked me if birds were reptiles. I thought he was kidding. FML

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By Mimi - United States

Today, I was shopping when I overheard a woman telling an employee that she was buying an iPad for her 5-year-old son. Annoyed, I turned around and ranted about how he should have more age appropriate toys. Then she explained that her son is autistic and will be using the iPad to communicate. FML

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By Garrison - United States - Anchorage

I'm innocent!

Today, I was arrested for kidnapping a child. MY child. Do you know how hard it is as a white man to convince a police officer that a latino toddler screaming, "Stranger danger!" is yours? FML

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By ManInPain - United States

Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML

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By Avdhut Joshi - India - Thane

Today, I set an alarm to wake up for a football match. I woke up after it finished. Turns out, I set my alarm to 12:15 p.m. instead of a.m. I ended up missing one of my team's best performances. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband pooped the bed for the second time since we've been married. We've been married a month. FML

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By Samantha35

Today, I was substitute teaching a high school English class. A student discreetly told me that my zipper was open. I tried to zip up, but the zipper got caught on my underwear. When I bent down to pick up my pen, my pants split. Before I turn around, I heard the sound of phones taking pictures. FML

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By uglywoman - Australia

Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML

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By backseatbusted - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate in the backseat of his car, when a police car pulled up behind us. My mom later told me that intimacy was fine, just not in a car. We were in the car because she told me that intimacy was fine, just not in her house. FML

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By Muina - Morocco - Mekn?s

Today, I got mugged for my phone. I stupidly offered to give the guy my money if he'd let me keep my phone. He took both. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my roommate spits the mouthwash back into the bottle after he gargles. FML

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By Menareidiots - United States

Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

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By drunkennight - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night out at the bar, immediately remembering that I had lost my cell phone, my ID and somehow spent $100. Feeling like shit already, my friend then goes on to tell me that I flashed the entire bar, and ran around the hotel naked. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, the man I was going to dinner with got me the most expensive necklace. We got to the table he had reserved when his friend comes and sits with us. Somehow the subject of getting it on comes up. My date then says "expensive jewelry - one way ticket to her pants". FML

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By loo

Today, I had to go claim benefits for the first time since working and paying taxes from the age of 16. I’m 50. They offered me an emergency payment of £1200, and I said no because I was too embarrassed to accept “charity.” FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I was having sex with a girl when her parents decided to come home early. Trying to run out the back door I fell and broke my ankle. Not only did her former Navy Seal father find out I was banging his little princess, he drove me to the ER, alone. FML

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By O0hdear - United States - Humble

Today, I went to my fiance's cousin's wedding with him. I got drunk and danced like a stripper in front of his entire extended family, who I'd just met that day. FML

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By sucks - Netherlands

Today, my boss walked in and said something I didn't quite hear, but my co-worker chuckled so to be polite, I laughed with him. They gave me some weird looks. My boss was actually talking about his wife's tumor and my co-worker was coughing. FML

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By sistertaxi - Australia

Today, I had to pick my brother up from work because he broke down crying. I arrived to find that apparently, you can get so stoned that serving a pregnant woman at a fast food joint moves you to tears over the miracle of life. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 00:58 - United States - Edmond

Say nothing

Today, right now, my husband is on the phone with his friend. Last night I had a dream I was cheating on him with this friend. FML

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By emmy - 1/4/2021 14:01

In shape

Today, even after months of vigorous exercise and diet in an attempt to gain muscle, I have not gained any muscle. Instead, my body is putting fat into the one part of my body I can’t work out: my face. FML

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By sleepy

Today, I was trying to fall asleep. Unfortunately, my next-door neighbor's baby began to cry. I closed the window and rolled over, unable to hear the crying anymore. My dog's hearing is better than mine, and so he started barking. Goodbye, good night's sleep. FML

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Top comments

By UnluckyLatina | 22

#6494453 - Sunday 27 December 2015 7:07

Yup, that would be tough to swallow

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#6494451 - Sunday 27 December 2015 7:06

You've got a funny man child.

COMMENTS

By helptheorphans | 17

#6494449 - Sunday 27 December 2015 7:05

come on, it's not a big deal...

Reply

Love_L0ST | 13

#6494455 - Sunday 27 December 2015 7:07

#1 You are right I don't even know how this is an FML OP's husband was just being immature, but isn't everyone at some point?

Reply

willsnow18 | 11

#6495141 - Monday 28 December 2015 4:55

no, no, no. cum in...

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#6494451 - Sunday 27 December 2015 7:06

You've got a funny man child.

Reply

walid820014 | 20

#6494558 - Sunday 27 December 2015 11:44

Ikr?!

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6494649 - Sunday 27 December 2015 15:30

Funny

Man-child

You may only pick one.

Reply

aspecialspecial | 21

#6494934 - Monday 28 December 2015 0:41

Funny none the less xD

By UnluckyLatina | 22

#6494453 - Sunday 27 December 2015 7:07

Yup, that would be tough to swallow

Reply

Zaizun | 11

#6498381 - Friday 1 January 2016 2:45

"OH MY GOD SANS"

By Angelkisses130 | 26

#6494454 - Sunday 27 December 2015 7:07

I guess you could say he didn't see that ingredient cumin :D

Reply

Kidd_Ant | 18

#6494502 - Sunday 27 December 2015 8:17

Boooo.

Reply

virtue333 | 4

#6494717 - Sunday 27 December 2015 18:21

Great comment

Reply

w0nderwh4t | 14

#6495232 - Monday 28 December 2015 7:57

ba-dum-tish

By HoboMeth | 32

#6494458 - Sunday 27 December 2015 7:09

Make him swallow what he makes you swallow

Reply

memeometer | 11

#6494553 - Sunday 27 December 2015 11:28

That's disgusting

By Avi8r | 22

#6494462 - Sunday 27 December 2015 7:12

What's long, hard, and had cum in it?
...a cucumber.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6494650 - Sunday 27 December 2015 15:32

Long, hard, and full of seamen?

A submarine. I know, it's not as funny when you write it out.

By mds9986 | 24

#6494463 - Sunday 27 December 2015 7:13

He's turning in to a typical dad just as scheduled.

Reply

SlapsKnee | 12

#6497513 - Thursday 31 December 2015 1:33

Maybe just don't use that joke around kids.

By Rachstep22 | 15

#6494464 - Sunday 27 December 2015 7:13

Probably need to make sure he isn't still in like 8th-10th grade, you never know... He might be a master of disguise

By simply_meeeee | 26

#6494465 - Sunday 27 December 2015 7:15

Not gonna lie, I laughed pretty hard at his "cumin it" joke

By ScottVining | 21

#6494466 - Sunday 27 December 2015 7:15

That meal sounds very teste