Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us... - FML

By -__- - 26/12/2015 13:41

Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML

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Who's a good boy?

Insane parents

Hello everyone!

By gross - 9/4/2015 16:00 - United States - Muskegon

Today, I got a bikini as a birthday present. I pulled the bikini bottom out of the box first, only to find a pubic hair stuck to the hygienic liner. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2017 20:00

Today, the person who bullied me throughout my childhood eventually resulting in me going to therapy and switching schools became my boss. On top of that, he refers to me by the insulting nickname he called me during childhood. It's good to see that growing up hasn't changed him at all. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2014 20:49 - United States

Today, my road rage got so out of hand that I'm now actually inclined to honk obnoxiously at my computer when it's being slow. FML

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By BigMoney - 7/9/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, behind a cabinet, I found a scratch-off lottery ticket I hadn't scratched yet. After scratching it off, I realized it's a $2,500 winner. The lottery commission won't accept it because they stopped using that game 2 years ago. FML

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By longtriphome - 15/7/2011 02:22 - United States

Today, I met my long distance girlfriend after two years of being separated by 900 miles. She brought her short distance boyfriend to the meeting. FML

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By slapstick1982 - 31/12/2016 17:25 - United States - Ashford

Today, I caught my wife flicking a booger off her finger. I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "Because if I can't see where it lands, it disappears and is not gross". It landed on my arm. I saw where it landed, it did not disappear, and yes it is gross. FML

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By clairebear104 - 19/9/2014 03:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I went on a blind date. My date would respond to me by saying "retweet" and "favorite" when she thought something was relatable. FML

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By homealone - 3/5/2012 04:39 - Canada

Today, my parents left on a trip. I wanted to invite my girlfriend over for a few days so we could spend them together. Then my grandparents turn up, "just for a few days, until your parents return, so you won't be alone in this big house." FML

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By cutiekenz21 - 31/7/2011 00:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML

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By Exhausted - 28/11/2011 06:07 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I was called an 'inconsiderate scum bucket' by my neighbour because I allowed my loud alarm to go on too long before silencing it. The only reason that I sleep through my alarm is because I have to wear earplugs as they have their TV on maximum volume until 4am. FML

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By chanclepants - 27/1/2010 13:35 - France

Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML

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By PO'd big bro - 13/1/2015 01:11 - United States - Toccoa

Today, I had to call a few different women and explain to them that my little brother had catfished them. I had to do it because he is mute and my parents were too busy screaming at him. FML

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By ughhhh - 3/5/2014 21:10 - United States

Today, my mom spent over $200 getting me tested for every drug in the book. All because I admitted to smoking a single cigarette two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 19:55 - United States

Today, it's my soon to be 12 year old daughter's birthday. On my break at work I texted her how much I loved her and happy birthday. She replied with, "K, when will you be home? Mom won't let me open presents until you're here." Good to know I'm loved. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2010 02:28 - France

Today, I was having sex with a girl when her parents decided to come home early. Trying to run out the back door I fell and broke my ankle. Not only did her former Navy Seal father find out I was banging his little princess, he drove me to the ER, alone. FML

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By Lolrus - 28/3/2009 16:50 - Qatar

Today, I was jogging through my neighborhood and then I notice this cute guy running beside me, we stoped and flirted for a while and my mom drove past. She then rolled down the window and said "Honey, you owe me for the dry cleaning on your period pants." FML

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By FoodyFood - 19/3/2012 04:59 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2015 02:49 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Things got heated and I yelled, "Who's your daddy?" With a blank expression she replied, "I don't know." FML

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By no - 7/6/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my truck for the first time. While trying to unlock it, it started to rain. After half an hour, I successfully unlocked the door and then drove over my book bag, which I had placed underneath the car to keep it out of the rain. FML

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By mdg - 4/12/2012 17:16 - United States - North Windham

Today, while at work taking notes on a pad of paper, my boss witnessed me trying to scroll down on the paper, as if it was a touch-screen phone. FML

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By unluckycounsellor - 30/6/2009 23:26 - Bermuda

Today, I was teaching swimming. A small boy said his stomach hurt, so I placed him on my back and carried him to the main building where he could lay down. He then jumped off my back and ran back towards the beach because 'he felt better'. I had explosive diarrhea all over my back. FML

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By j - 14/8/2011 03:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of my drunken antics. My reaction? Pour myself a stiff drink. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2014 23:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML

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By ZAnon - 6/2/2015 07:06 - United States - Houston

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

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By green and not with envy - 13/6/2014 20:17 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML

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By pubes - 18/3/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2018 01:30

Today, while bringing my baby an early-morning bottle, I tripped over a ball and fell into the glass coffee table, smashing it and cutting myself pretty badly. My husband slept through the whole thing, but the neighbors came by to tell me to keep it down. FML

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By erockinthesuburb - 11/4/2012 16:25 - United States - Algonquin

Today, I was stopped and searched by a cop, and he quickly found the bag of weed in my pocket. He didn't arrest or fine me, but he did confiscate my weed and told me to "get lost." Pretty sure I just got legally mugged. FML

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By Username - 11/1/2011 09:45

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me because he's in love with my sister, who turned him down repeatedly, and I'm the closest he can now get. FML

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By pummy - 30/9/2009 00:48 - United States

Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number I wanted to mess with my girl a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML

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By hawkknight - 23/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Portland

Today, at work, I broke the drinks machine for the third time. The first two times I broke the key, this time I switched it off and couldn't turn it back on after my manager warned me not to mess with it AFTER I had switched it off. The best part? The key is still broken from last time. FML

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By Ah - 8/3/2010 05:42 - France

Today, my boyfriend said we should re-enact a porn episode he saw. I jokingly said yes. He had an outfit and everything. I thought it was going to be fun, until he started playing Bon Jovi in the background. FML

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By justcomesnaturally - 4/11/2012 00:37 - United States - Danby

Today, I realized that I'm a terrible human being. For the first time in my life, I gave some change to a homeless guy, but only so he'd get out of my face long enough for me to watch two other bums beating the crap out of each other over a sandwich. FML

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By Bart - 3/7/2015 04:32 - France - Lille

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

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By essay2 - 24/9/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML

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By doubledown - 4/6/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I went to the bar I go to every week. My favorite bartender told me I owed $50 for a tab because the waiter screwed up and undercharged me. The tab was from when my friends bought me drinks to cheer me up because my girlfriend moved away. I ended up paying for my own drinks plus theirs. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2019 22:00

Today, I found out that I'm not my girlfriend's only boyfriend. The other guy sells shoes on Facebook. FML

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By dannytriplet - 11/4/2010 06:34 - United States

Today, I got my son's phone bill (the phone I got him to call us from college). I found out he's been calling a phone sex hotline everyday. He hasn't called us once. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2016 14:31 - United States - Iowa Park

Today, I got mugged by a fake hooker. FML

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By Chocolaty - 22/7/2016 00:48 - Australia - Geelong

Today, I spiced things up by lying on the bed and pouring melted white chocolate on myself. I called out to my fiancé to come in. He was 'checking' his favourite scene in Batman vs Superman and couldn't hear me. I was stuck unable to move for ten minutes until he finally heard me. FML

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Top comments

By UnluckyLatina | 22

#6494453 - Sunday 27 December 2016 7:07

Yup, that would be tough to swallow

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#6494451 - Sunday 27 December 2016 7:06

You've got a funny man child.

COMMENTS

By helptheorphans | 17

#6494449 - Sunday 27 December 2016 7:05

come on, it's not a big deal...

Reply

Love_L0ST | 13

#6494455 - Sunday 27 December 2016 7:07

#1 You are right I don't even know how this is an FML OP's husband was just being immature, but isn't everyone at some point?

Reply

willsnow18 | 11

#6495141 - Monday 28 December 2016 4:55

no, no, no. cum in...

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#6494451 - Sunday 27 December 2016 7:06

You've got a funny man child.

Reply

walid820014 | 20

#6494558 - Sunday 27 December 2016 11:44

Ikr?!

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6494649 - Sunday 27 December 2016 15:30

Funny

Man-child

You may only pick one.

Reply

aspecialspecial | 21

#6494934 - Monday 28 December 2016 0:41

Funny none the less xD

By UnluckyLatina | 22

#6494453 - Sunday 27 December 2016 7:07

Yup, that would be tough to swallow

Reply

Zaizun | 11

#6498381 - Friday 1 January 2016 2:45

"OH MY GOD SANS"

By Angelkisses130 | 26

#6494454 - Sunday 27 December 2016 7:07

I guess you could say he didn't see that ingredient cumin :D

Reply

Kidd_Ant | 18

#6494502 - Sunday 27 December 2016 8:17

Boooo.

Reply

virtue333 | 4

#6494717 - Sunday 27 December 2016 18:21

Great comment

Reply

w0nderwh4t | 14

#6495232 - Monday 28 December 2016 7:57

ba-dum-tish

By HoboMeth | 32

#6494458 - Sunday 27 December 2016 7:09

Make him swallow what he makes you swallow

Reply

memeometer | 11

#6494553 - Sunday 27 December 2016 11:28

That's disgusting

By Avi8r | 22

#6494462 - Sunday 27 December 2016 7:12

What's long, hard, and had cum in it?
...a cucumber.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6494650 - Sunday 27 December 2016 15:32

Long, hard, and full of seamen?

A submarine. I know, it's not as funny when you write it out.

By mds9986 | 24

#6494463 - Sunday 27 December 2016 7:13

He's turning in to a typical dad just as scheduled.

Reply

SlapsKnee | 12

#6497513 - Thursday 31 December 2016 1:33

Maybe just don't use that joke around kids.

By Rachstep22 | 15

#6494464 - Sunday 27 December 2016 7:13

Probably need to make sure he isn't still in like 8th-10th grade, you never know... He might be a master of disguise

By simply_meeeee | 26

#6494465 - Sunday 27 December 2016 7:15

Not gonna lie, I laughed pretty hard at his "cumin it" joke

By ScottVining | 21

#6494466 - Sunday 27 December 2016 7:15

That meal sounds very teste