Work: Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career....

By nicolette5785452 - 16/11/2010 15:34 - United States

Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 745

You deserved it 13 319

Work

BO Central

Very helpful, dude

I'm trying!

By Anonymous - 04/07/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I went swimming with this guy I like at dammed river. While we were jumping off the dam, I decided to try to impress him by doing a front flip. I didn't jump far enough off, so when I went to flip, my face skidded down the concrete wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 817

You deserved it 44 805

Keeping it in the family!

By Franklin - 01/02/2018 05:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, we got the results of our family's ancestry DNA tests. My father isn't related to me, but my grandfather is still my grandfather. Apparently grandma cheated on grandpa to get 'dad', and my mother cheated on 'dad' with my 'uncle' to get me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 184

You deserved it 283

Does she really love me?

By fml9124 - 07/11/2019 20:00

Today, my wife and I watch the Chargers play the Packers. Philip Rivers is the Chargers quarterback. Out of the blue, my wife says "Philip is a stupid name." My middle name is Philip. We have been married 32 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 820

You deserved it 288

Bad date #3764

By Greenpuppy416 - 04/07/2020 05:02

Today, I had a date at a formal restaurant I'm well known at. My date showed up two and a half hours late with a jogging suit on, and then got mad at me for ordering, eating, and paying without him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 727

You deserved it 127

Getting fit for all the wrong reasons

By Anonymous - 01/05/2020 14:00

Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 333

You deserved it 486

By ari - 17/06/2011 11:06 - United States

Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 571

You deserved it 3 005

By Anonymous - 08/02/2018 15:00

Today, I came home from a month long vacation to find my house absolutely trashed with a lot of valuable items missing. Burglary? Nope. My dad, who was meant to be house-sitting for me, let the neighbour's teenage son have several parties there in exchange for weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 347

You deserved it 452

Ouch

By lifesmells - 27/06/2009 00:29 - Canada

Today, I learned that when blender jars aren't locked, they fly off the blender, into the air, hit you in the head and explode all over your kitchen. Today, I also learned that after I'm attacked by a flying blender, the first thing my boyfriend asks is if I'm still gonna make him a smoothie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 766

You deserved it 13 077

By seagull hater - 09/07/2012 15:44 - United States - San Diego

Today, I left my sunroof on my truck open for 5 minutes while I ran into the bank. When I came out a seagull had gotten into my truck. I managed to open the doors and get it out but not before it tore up a seat and pooped everywhere inside my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 622

You deserved it 7 420

By Anonymous - 05/12/2012 04:09 - United States - Hudson Falls

Today, my science class found out that I have OCD and that one of my rituals is to cough when others cough. This is going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 872

You deserved it 4 296

By Anonymous - 02/06/2019 22:00

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 978

You deserved it 1 554

By kindgartin - 23/04/2011 09:26 - Canada

Today, I was listening to my son's teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store. I was thrilled when she described my son as "A model student". However, she then went on to say, "Which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 520

You deserved it 8 324

By father of the year - 01/08/2013 06:21 - United States

Today, my 18-year-old daughter texted me and told me that she got in a car crash. She texted, "I forgot wich way wus left lol" and then quickly added "yolo right? Lol". FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 370

You deserved it 11 834

By Jack - 30/11/2010 08:48

Today, a guy at my work asked if I could fix his computer in his cubicle. The first thing I see on the screen when he logs me onto it is an anime porn game with tentacles. My boss walks by, stares at me and then laughs uncontrollably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 746

You deserved it 3 679

By Yupppp. - 11/02/2015 06:25 - United States - Flushing

Today, my new boyfriend with whom I'm completely smitten called me and told me he had an early Valentine's Day gift for me. Gonorrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 203

You deserved it 5 267

By JuniorDetective - 07/05/2009 16:52 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of walking home when I saw an old woman trying to get away from what looked like a mugger. I go over and try to help her out and get the man off of her, which was successful. Turns out she was having a heart attack and the man was a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 352

You deserved it 17 795

By twowords - 08/06/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, I had to find a date for this banquet we did in my town every year. I paid my neighbor 40 bucks an hour to be my date. It was a 4 hour event. Best part: she got drunk and told the whole town I was paying her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 852

You deserved it 59 547

By assholedad - 11/02/2015 21:00 - United States

Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 181

You deserved it 10 797

By beernuts - 06/03/2012 11:53 - United States

Today, due to the powerful antibiotic I was taking for a bad infection on my knee, I had no control over my bowels and shat my pants while discussing a plumbing problem in a customers basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 630

You deserved it 2 218

Territorial

By grow up! - 07/08/2021 14:01

Today, I went back home for a visit after nearly 10 years. I met up with some old friends at a bar and had an amazing evening. Afterwards, two of the wives told me I’m never allowed to speak to, nor see their husbands again, since I slept with them in high school. This was years before they even met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 986

You deserved it 168

Sex ban

By Ash - 13/12/2020 07:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me because I failed to notice I’ve been on a sex ban as punishment for upsetting her mother 3 weeks ago. Three weeks isn’t even our longest no sex period; we’ve gone months without sex before for no good reason, so is it any wonder I didn’t notice after only 3 weeks? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 793

You deserved it 325

By ncjarhead - 24/04/2010 23:38 - United States

Today, I discovered the same erotic pictures my wife emailed to me while I was deployed were emailed to several other guys by her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 990

You deserved it 3 102

By properpissed - 03/06/2014 15:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to one of my British friends online, and he told me to say "yew anchors" a few times really fast. I'm a fairly stupid person, and wasn't very focused, so I did as he said. When I finally figured what the words meant, my dad had heard and grounded me for cursing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 380

You deserved it 10 130

By CaoiiBieber - 17/07/2011 19:15 - Ireland

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 200

You deserved it 38 772

By vixenscars - 19/01/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I slipped on a banana peel in a store parking lot as I was getting out of my car. I landed on my ass. The cops that were parking behind me later informed me that I would be able to see the video on youtube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 554

You deserved it 2 468

By Missy - 19/10/2011 22:29 - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 060

You deserved it 3 379

By Festivaler - 13/07/2013 07:14 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at a music festival, and my mum had told me not to to drink. Someone threw a cup of beer at me, and I was worried about smelling of alcohol. It's okay though, because a second cup of urine took the alcohol smell right away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 134

You deserved it 4 421

By Anonymous - 27/07/2016 15:24 - United States - Coshocton

Today, my mom grabbed my phone, said she was taking it because I'd been disrespectful, and hung up my call. I'd been speaking with a work client. This is the gratitude I get for paying all her bills for the past 2 years, all because she's too lazy to get a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 894

You deserved it 1 904

Shopping fun

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 22:59

Today, my boyfriend talked me into wearing vibrating underwear in public and of course we bumped into my mom shopping, and of course he chose that moment to turn them on with the remote. The vibrating was way louder than we were expecting, and my mom just walked away shaking her head at us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 506

You deserved it 1 936

Another fine mess

By MikeMoosey - 30/12/2008 18:00 - United States

Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 503

You deserved it 25 283

Zeitgeist

By Ariel - 05/10/2020 10:02

Today, my dishes smelled so perfume-y after going through the dishwasher and a clean glass of water tasted soapy. I checked the pods my husband bought and loaded into the dishwasher to make sure we never got that brand again. They were laundry detergent pods. I was essentially a millennial eating a Tide Pod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 215

You deserved it 253

By bad blood, no shit - 03/12/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, my husband and I went to my overbearing mom's 57th birthday party. He opened his gift in front of her and said smugly, "The makeup's for your face, and the prayer book's for the fat rolls." Any hope of family peace is now lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 857

You deserved it 3 729

By Beestings - 24/03/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my husband about a busty but vapid celebrity, and he replied, "She doesn't need brains, honey, she has boobs. You wouldn't understand." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 391

You deserved it 6 515

By rugs - 06/08/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 562

You deserved it 5 793

By nocostumeforme - 29/10/2011 16:01 - Canada

Today, I excitedly checked the mail to see if my Halloween costume finally arrived. It didn't. I live in an isolated city, so finding a costume by any other means than the Internet was impossible. I spent over $100 for a costume that I won't even get to wear this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 936

You deserved it 6 956

By Mark - 09/09/2011 04:51 - United States

Today, a car backed into mine. I thought that was pretty bad, until another car backed into me right after I'd finished taking the first guy's info. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 327

You deserved it 2 175

By Jojo - 08/05/2019 16:00

Today, after months of planning, my boyfriend told me he's changed his mind and doesn’t want to move with me to where I got a job. Why? He doesn’t want to live that far away from his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 823

You deserved it 249

By hudd357mag - 06/02/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 104

You deserved it 2 438

By imy - 18/10/2011 15:01 - United States

Today, while performing a rectal exam on my female patient, I inadvertently said, "Okay, you're going to feel some pleasure now." I meant "pressure". Her husband was in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 018

You deserved it 9 431

By captainfail - 14/07/2009 15:27 - Germany

Today, I applied for my first job. I didn't know how to write a resume, so I copied and pasted one from someone else and reworked it. I got on the bus, handed it in, and left. Then I remembered I forgot to change the contact info and date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 613

You deserved it 74 869

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Top comments

TheIndieStar 7

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 18:56

Yeah, because it's impossible to get pregnant when using protection.

KaySL 24

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:39

I think a "STFU, you talking anus" is all Tati3092 deserves.

crz23 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 18:50

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

biass 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 18:54

Quickest. Moderation. Ever.

blocparty 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 18:52

second comment moderated iv seen today

peete182 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 18:52

unluckyyyyy

KaySL 24

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:31

Unnecessary voweeeeeels.

WishResign 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 20:33

To be fair, 'y' is only sometimes a vowel.

KaySL 24

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 20:49

I think you misunderstand; I was providing some unnecessary vowels to go with his unnecessary (sometimes) consonants :)

Marts 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 18:53

And you're not happy about this?

nond2nv 4

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:28

I dislike your comment very much.

Firestar1202 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:52

why is that, you're anti-choice?

suppressed08 2

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 20:48

People shouldn't be such idiots that they have to consider a choice, but genuine accidents can occur and people might not be ready. In which case I say go for an abortion, but the earlier the better. The earlier it is, the smaller the foetus will be, right until it's only a collection of cells (cells, which coincidentally, religions don't seem to view them as something that can be treat cruelly.).

samantha_durano 6

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 20:48

#11, abortion is awful.

SinaStar 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 18:53

Its called 'Protection'. Next time use it.

TheIndieStar 7

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 18:56

Yeah, because it's impossible to get pregnant when using protection.

tati3092 1

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:19

no it's possible ur dumb haha condoms can break and birth control doesn't always work either one of my family member was on birth control and she got pregnant 5 times on birth control get ur facts straight stupid hahaha

clayzgurl 1

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:23

it's called sarcasm

tati3092 1

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:33

idc haha was I talkin to u nope k bye

ImaginaryFoe 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:36

*facepalm*

KaySL 24

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:39

I think a "STFU, you talking anus" is all Tati3092 deserves.

RedPillSucks 31

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:42

Hey Doc, I can't remember. Is there something about sarcasm in your FAQ list?

DocBastard 38

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:48

Nope, but only because of the 1000 character limit. I had all kinds of other stuff to put in there, but alas, I was over the limit. Q: Why are so many commenters so sarcastic? Why don't I get their sarcasm? A: If you need to ask that, then you are clearly not smart enough to understand the concept. Move on with your life.

sourgirl101 28

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 20:16

DocBastard, thank you for taking the time to post those FAQ.(: Psst...maybe don't double space. We need as much information that you can possibly crammed in there.

FalloutboyxD 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 20:17

whats with the " haha" 's?

sourgirl101 28

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 20:24

Edit* cram

BetsyLa 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 18:55

now u can practice on urself?

FrenchToast94 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:05

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

SisyphereanTask 2

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:30

Why should she be happy she's pregnant? What if she doesn't WANT to be pregnant?

crissyspic 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 18:56

now this is funny.. and original!!

dynky 3

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 18:58

at least you now you know so you can get it treated.

deaper 15

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:42

Ahem... Get it TREATED? WTF?

thrAsHeRr9081 16

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 20:15

Uhm.

fearfulsymmetry 1

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:00

Why do you sound so surprised? If you're having sex, you should be aware that pregnancy IS a possibility. This is neither an FYL or a YDI. Keep the baby if you want to, or abort it. That's pretty much it.

theFMLiest1ofThe 0

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:02

hahaha. love the profile description. can't say you didn't warn people

darkmis1 17

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:08

Or put it up for adoption.

fearfulsymmetry 1

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:15

Haha, thanks #15 ;)

DjeePee 24

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 19:50

Boaf, I have sex, but I have a very good reason to be very surprised if I find out I'm pregnant. That reason is a tiny little pill that I have to and do take every day. If she used conception and still got pregnant, she has a valid reason to be so surprised. If she didn't use it, she's stupid if she's surprised.