Intimacy: Today, I saw my dad help himself to a sex stamina drink. He and... - FML

By windskurfer - France

Today, I saw my dad help himself to a sex stamina drink. He and mom share the hotel bed next to mine. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

*Friends theme music plays*

Kids and their wacky crazes

By coffeeshopgirl - United Kingdom

Today, I'm cheering myself up about being newly single by having a sleepover with my best friends. Their boyfriends have all decided to sleep over as well though, so I'm currently alone in a corridor with nothing but the sound of all my friends having loud sex to keep me company. FML

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By -_- - United States - Lahaina

Today, I woke up to a warm bed, the morning sunlight bathing my face, and my boyfriend sneaking my credit card out of my purse. FML

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By ohbiebjetaime - France

Today, a guy asked for my number at a party. As I was entering my number into his phone, my name and a picture of me popped up. I'm afraid I just met my stalker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML

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By yourmainman - Canada

Today, after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship, my girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body with whipped cream. Except, we didn't have any in the fridge, so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of her while fighting the urge to vomit. FML

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By human lava lamp - United States - New Britain

Today, I was at the airport, when a lady came up and loudly asked if she could sit next to me. I have serious social issues, so to avoid having to talk to her, I pretended I was deaf and couldn't hear her. She immediately broke out her sign language skills. FML

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By pop_rox - United States

Today, I was riding in a carpool when we passed a church that has a shady reputation. I said "man, all those people are being brainwashed, it's a cult". The lady sitting in the back seat behind me says "I'm a member of that church". OOPS. Silence. FML

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By Wow - United States - Sanford

Today, I walked outside to see my dog killing my cat. My spouse tried to cheer me up - "Hey, at least we don't have to buy cat food anymore!" FML

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By xRyu - United States - Denver

Today, I found out via a voicemail from my boss that my hours are being cut. He said, "They said I can't fire you, so you'll only be getting 20 hours a week. Starting today." Who'd they give my other 20 hours to? The one person that calls off sick almost daily and is never on time. FML

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By bored

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

Today, I found a deck of Uno cards. Being extremely bored, I decided to put them in order. I now know EXACTLY which cards I'm missing. FML

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By GotGasNotLuck - Australia - Girraween

Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously driven off without paying came in to shout abuse at me because I had said in the police statement, "He looks about 60." He is apparently 55. He didn't come in to pay, he came in to swear at me. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML

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By frustrated - United Kingdom

Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML

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By Jess - United States

Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML

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By Paul - United States

Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML

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By MissBeEyeTeeSeeH - Canada

Today, It was pretty nice out, so I decided to walk to work. Not twenty minutes after leaving, it started to pour. I was soaking when I got there and had to change. My boyfriend works next door, so I asked him if he could give me a ride. His reply? "Sorry Babe, I just can't be seen with you like that." FML

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By Paulshaun1 - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, my mother told me she thinks it is time for me to move into my own place. I agreed with her and went to look at studios/ flats online. She later came into my room, saw me looking at places and then got pissed off at me, saying that I hate her for wanting to leave her. FML

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By whyme - United States

Today, my mother screamed and swore at me because I said I was looking to move out soon. Apparently, the idea of me moving out at 27 and her getting a job to pay her own way is devastating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working at my job as a cashier, checking out an elderly woman's groceries. She was very nice, and we chatted for a couple minutes. Once she had paid, she leaned close to me and said, very politely, "I'm so so sorry that I mistook you for a girl at first, young man." I AM a girl. FML

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By immovingout - United States - Huntington Station

Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML

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By okseñoryoucrazy - United States - Tacoma

Today, I found out that my 2-year-old brother is afraid of his own penis. Whenever he doesn't have a diaper on, he screams, cries and yells, "Ew". FML

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By future teacher - Paraguay - Fernando De La Mora

Today, I was observing a children's class as a part of a training program. The teacher asked me to take one kid to the nurse's office because she wasn't feeling well. As soon as we step outside, I slip and fall down, taking the little girl with me. FML

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By fappy dog - United States - Granite City

Today, and for the past week, my dog started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I came home after a short trip. Walking through the door, an overpowering smell indicated that in my rush to leave I'd forgotten to bring the cat litter tray indoors. The place was covered in cat urine. It was as if I'd created a cycling ecosystem of evaporated urine turning into urine rain-clouds. FML

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By SadDaenerys

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I finished the Game of Thrones books before he could finish the TV show. FML

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By hopeless - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I'd just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she's been cheating on me with. FML

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By Chelsy - Australia - Canberra

Can he fix it?

Today, I found out that when my boyfriend is drunk he pretends to be Bob the Builder. FML

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By kylie

Today, I’m trying to be healthy. My friends suggested I keep junk food out of the house so I don’t crave it. Yeah, that didn’t work. My car wouldn’t start so I actually made the four-mile walk to the nearest grocery store to get junk food. FML

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By FMyThroat - Peru - Lima

Today, after battling for hours to get just a little sleep before my early morning work shift, I finally began drifting off. Then I got the worst attack of hiccups in my life. FML

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By LacrosseFAIL - United States - Schaumburg

Today, after a long day at work, I walked into my room with the lights off and jumped on my bed. At least I would've if I haven't rearranged my room and instead face-planted onto my desk. FML

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By iMarriedmymother - United States

Today, my wife told me she had stopped taking her anti-depressants a month ago in hopes of increasing her non-existent sex drive. I asked her if it had helped, and was about to suggest she start taking them again for her own wellbeing. She replied with, "Anyway, I'm just not attracted to you." FML

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By tsu3 - Germany

Today, after spending about 5 years to go back to school, get my life together and get a real job, I now make about $100 less a month. I used to work as a dishwasher. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I woke up, only to find my Xbox missing. Thankfully I have a security camera discreetly wired up in the tree on my lawn. Checking the tapes, I saw my brother park outside my house, let himself in with his spare key, then drive off with my missing equipment. FML

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By I need a new ballsack. - United Kingdom - Macclesfield

Today, I'm at that age where sitting down carries a 50/50 chance of turning my balls into scrambled eggs, a fact confirmed yet again today. Third time this week. I think it's time to switch to briefs. FML

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By fedUPwithPEOPLE - United States - Enterprise

Today, the city shut off our water, because they said we didn't pay the bill. Turns out, it was sitting on their desk the whole time. I guess sending someone out to turn off our water was easier than checking to see if we'd actually paid the bill. FML

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By captfml - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom in a rush to get ready. Without thinking, I put hand soap on my toothbrush. I didn't notice until it was already in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to my cell phone alarm buzzing. It wasn't time to wake up yet, so I snoozed it. It buzzed again, this time with "One New Voicemail." I had "snoozed" my nephew. Stationed in Iraq. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

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By CheeseAndCrackers - 30/4/2020 08:00

Everyone loves a weepie

Today, my always over-emotional husband burst into sobs when I thanked him for making me lunch. Apparently, I did not compliment his cooking enough. He microwaved me a Hot Pocket; it was still frozen in the middle. FML

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By rick - Sweden

Today, I read an incoming message on my wife's phone. "I miss your warm hands and mouth". The message came from a female co-worker of hers. FML

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Top comments

By marycharles | 0

#774999 - Friday 15 January 2010 1:47

obviously u don't get it 21. they don't want their parents to have sex right next to them. don't be a dipshit.

By Windskurfer | 0

#775375 - Friday 15 January 2010 4:37

Spot on, 22.

COMMENTS

By Newbie21 | 1

#774117 - Thursday 14 January 2010 18:55

what's wrong with having a health relationship?

Reply

edogy | 0

#2907271 - Saturday 16 July 2011 18:16

*healthy*

Reply

cadillacgal79 | 32

#6002592 - Wednesday 9 July 2014 5:28

Um, the fact that they are in a hotel room together and OP is in the bed right NEXT to them will make anyone uncomfortable. Tell me, would you want your parents getting it on when you are sharing a room? No? Didn't think so.

By cremesar | 0

#774122 - Thursday 14 January 2010 18:57

lollllll... ur in for one hell of a night

By 1800getalife | 0

#774123 - Thursday 14 January 2010 18:57

today me and my son will have some action. fml

Reply

reallymily | 0

#1136568 - Sunday 25 July 2010 6:15

hahahahaha lmao #3

Reply

montezuma | 0

#3860357 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 10:31

Lol pretty gay

Reply

montezuma | 0

#3860366 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 10:33

Lol

By onlinegamer23 | 0

#774124 - Thursday 14 January 2010 18:58

second :D wel erm wel they are next too u

By onnielief | 4

#774129 - Thursday 14 January 2010 19:00

That is fantastic! At least your parents have a healthy sex life, means you will as well when you are old enough!

By me5 | 0

#774131 - Thursday 14 January 2010 19:00

...and???

By HamsteronA | 0

#774132 - Thursday 14 January 2010 19:01

maybe he wasn't gonna use it for sex only the pleasure of drinking it. maybe they taste nice I dunno

By Cruth | 2

#774147 - Thursday 14 January 2010 19:06

maybe u can have a trio

Reply

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5043374 - Monday 15 October 2012 0:23

you are sick!!! i can appreciate a good joke, but that's just plain fucking disgusting

By coolsteve | 0

#774163 - Thursday 14 January 2010 19:19

go and have some wincest

By randomwtf | 0

#774176 - Thursday 14 January 2010 19:33

Maybe join the fun?