Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk...

By Peppermint - New Zealand

Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk phone number as the contact in case the lifts break down. I work in IT so there are hundreds of men in the building. Someone has already drawn a very wonky heart next to my name. FML

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Work

And today, on Dr Phil…

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

You snooze, you lose

By gotadirtydick

Today, my neighbor's kid started learning the violin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the dog park, I suddenly had to use the bathroom really badly. Since there weren't any facilities nearby, I decided to go behind a tree and relieve myself there. While doing this, two other owners, one that's in my math class, noticed me, regardless of me hiding. She definitely saw everything. School will be fun tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, a man I once worked with passed away. He was a lovely, caring, and inspirational person whom I looked up to. My husband's form of consolation? "Old people die. Get over it." FML

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By Thisismylife - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

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By fukinlonely - United Kingdom

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

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By anon - Australia

Today, I watched "Time of the Doctor" and I'm pretty sure my love of Doctor Who slithered out through my ear and shamefully lodged itself in the darkest corner of the room, crying. FML

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By Lincoln - Australia

Today, I had to sit here for 8 hours copying and pasting thousands of product codes on a frigging spreadsheet. My job title is not data entry, I'm a graphic designer. FML

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By fml - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my dad told me I was folding my laundry all wrong. I said with a smirk, "A little clothes-minded, are we?" He slapped me. Hard. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu and accidentally farted, really loud, at my table. FML

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By facepalm - United States - Gainesville

Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML

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By fishruinsex

Today, I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching TV. He was totally absorbed in the fishing show that was on. When the guy lost a fish, he got so disappointed that he became completely flaccid. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I wasn't allowed to fly. Again. Yesterday my flight was overbooked. Today I didn't have the yellow fever vaccine. Not once was this requirement mentioned. Nobody would believe me. Luckily, it turned out that this requirement did not apply to me. They realised this after the plane left. FML

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By mac - Australia - Bankstown

Today, my roommate showed me a video of a cockroach crawling all over my face while I was asleep in the lounge. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my little brother found the singing Santa Claus from last year, and it still works. I'm now going to be hearing nothing but "We WISH you a MERRY CHRISTMAS!" for the next 20 days. FML

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By Tim - United States

Today, I was enjoying some much needed serenity while I ate lunch in an empty park. To my surprise, an older, clean cut man in a suit sits on the bench next to me. Without saying a word, he unleashes the most foul of farts I've ever witnessed, gets up, gives me a nod and leaves. FML

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By SSS - United Kingdom - London

Today, my brother put a sign on my car saying, "No baby on board, feel free to drive into me." Somebody did. FML

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By Funyearahead - United States - Red Bank

Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML

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By shampoogirl - United States

Today, I finally landed a new job, and thinking he would be proud, I told my boyfriend. Instead of congratulating me, he got mad that my work hours include Saturday, his laundry day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hobart

Today, while mowing the lawn, I was attacked by an underground hornet nest. I now have many stings, two scared dogs, and a mower still running outside. The hornets are swarming it and some are sitting on the lever, as if to turn it off. It's like they know. FML

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By ThunderThighs - United States - Flemington

Today, I was so ashamed of my weight when I sat down and the suction of my thighs made a loud fart noise, I admitted to it being a fart rather than my fat rolls. FML

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By Casino - United States

Today, I bitched out my grandmother, who lives with my family, for being lazy and laying in bed until 6-7pm for the past month. When I was done, she told me she had been diagnosed with cancer and was depressed because of it. Nobody had bothered to tell me. FML

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By nolife - United States

Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I looked pretty. I said, "Aww, that's the first time you've said that to me." He replied, "Well, it's the first time you've looked pretty." FML

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By evilsandwich - Canada - London

Today, after house-sitting for a week, I came home to find the house in which I rent a basement suite has all but burned to the ground. My landlord didn't even bother to tell me about the fire. FML

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By MyMomIsInsane - United States - Uniontown

Today, my mom demanded that I go into the basement and fix the water heater. I told her that I had no idea how to fix it, so she threw my phone down the stairs, told me to Google it, and locked the basement door behind me. It's been two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boyfriend found a take-out menu under my bed. It's probably been there for months. He looked at it and said, "Well, that explains a lot." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Muncie

Today, I was called a fascist and accused of being "racist" against poor people, all because some crazy meth-mouthed bitch couldn't afford some booze and expected me to cut the price by almost 40% so she could. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Akron

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a father. Too bad I can't tell my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Orange

Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML

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By cheekymac - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the airport baggage collection when I saw an old man struggling to get his very old and heavy suitcase off the belt before giving up. I had already collected my bag, but wanting to be helpful, the old man watched me as I grabbed his handle, yanked and snapped it clean off. FML

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By ManInTrouble - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

Today, I went to the store to buy a phone I saw last week. I looked around a little first, then continued to the electronics section. I couldn't find the phone I saw, so I went to leave. Halfway to the exit, I was detained by security and grilled for ages over my "suspicious behaviour". FML

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By Karl

Today, I woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there. I got a vase and hit him over the head, not realizing it was my mom's new boyfriend. FML

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By Lonely - United States

Today, it was the last day of camp. I told my friends we should exchange e-mail addresses so we could stay in touch. Apparently, they all had already exchanged their contact info. Nobody asked me for one piece of my contact info even once during the entire six weeks. FML

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By sup - Canada - Chicoutimi

Today, I found out why I've had cockroaches in my bathroom - my landlord didn't bother to finish the wall behind my bathroom sink. There are literally holes that go straight from my bathroom to the garage downstairs. FML

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By Bulldogs09 - France

Today, I finally hooked up with the boy of my dreams at a party. Later, while on aim, I noticed one of his friends away messages was a quote from the guy's screen name, which said "I can't believe what I stick my d... In sometimes." FML

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By disboydanielx

Today, I went to school without knowing that all my math books had been peed on by my cousin's cat. FML

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By Jacqueline H'ghar - New Zealand

Today, I missed my bus to the doctor's office for my scheduled pap test. I was so desperate, I called my deadbeat mom to ask for a ride. She said "Virgins don't need pap tests", laughed, then hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rapid City

Today, my teen son gave me the completed manuscript of the novel he's been working on for 4 years. Surprised and excited that he showed so much dedication to something, I volunteered to read it. I'm only on page 16 and it's absolute drivel, with grammar that makes my eyes bleed. Only 281 pages to go. FML

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By Anizzaf - United States

Today, I picked up my cat and it went wild because I didn't know he was sleeping. I ended with with several cuts, and one on my wrist. Later a kid in my high school saw my wrist and told my guidance counselor who told my parents. Now everyone thinks I'm either a liar, attention whore, or emo. FML

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Top comments

By Ruckainc | 0

#2194568 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:02

Awwwwww. Someone likes you! :3

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2195099 - Thursday 17 March 2011 19:03

"Today, I saw the name of a cute girl i work with in the elevator. Bored and trying to be sweet, i drew a little heart by it. It wasn't my best work, for i was shaky and nervous. When she found out it was me, she kicked me in the nuts, called me a stalker, and is now suing for sexual harassment. FML"

COMMENTS

By junz_fml | 0

#2194565 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:01

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2194608 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:07

ooo

By NomsdePourquoi | 3

#2194566 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:01

what's a wonky heart?

Zebidee | 8

#2194624 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:10

won·ky Adjective /ˈwäNGkē/ shaky, rickety, wobbly, crooked, off-center, askew, faulty.

TayonaC | 10

#2194627 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:11

I guess a messed up mutilated heart....

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2194639 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:14

How offensive! I spent a long time drawing that heart! And op, you should be thankful you work in a place where the only thing you need to get laid is a vagina.(: lol

MissBunny25 | 0

#2194656 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:17

aw you and the owner of the wonky heart should go out! I'll cook y'all the special of the week... boiling macaroni :D

tulsafml | 0

#2194666 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:21

haha troll

Blazingcrono | 6

#2194673 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:22

It's IT. No hot men allowed (presumedly).

alfredrog | 0

#2194738 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:46

well at least u got one, some people in FML wish they did :p

NuyoRicanGirl | 3

#2194776 - Thursday 17 March 2011 17:04

LOL #26 is boiling macaroni your specialty =p Mmmm

SirEBC | 7

#2194806 - Thursday 17 March 2011 17:24

Please don't start the macaroni shit again.

MissBunny25 | 0

#2194814 - Thursday 17 March 2011 17:24

51 lmfao. I won't just for you.

Codezlol | 21

#2194985 - Thursday 17 March 2011 18:31

ravioli>macaroni ;)

MissBunny25 | 0

#2194998 - Thursday 17 March 2011 18:35

72 to save our relationship, I will pretend like I didn't read that

Codezlol | 21

#2195031 - Thursday 17 March 2011 18:47

Hey once you go ravioli you... yeah I got nothin ;(

Jonny_Trump | 0

#2195197 - Thursday 17 March 2011 19:27

I love macaroni. :D If I were wearing a macaroni suit, would you love me?

calvin10 | 0

#2195260 - Thursday 17 March 2011 19:45

love the southern accent girl! :-)

CommonSenseKarma | 17

#2195323 - Thursday 17 March 2011 20:10

Easy Mac :D lol
Macaroni all the way

docscientist | 9

#2195410 - Thursday 17 March 2011 20:47

Nothing like borderline glowing orange powder mixed with water, heat, and macaroni to make your day.

MissBunny25 | 0

#2195425 - Thursday 17 March 2011 20:50

89, no. perhaps if it were real macaroni. I dont eat fabric.

iluffmcrandbvb | 1

#2195477 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:06

congrats on yr bby, 50

Lolerskatez | 0

#2196093 - Thursday 17 March 2011 23:38

I'd be thankful someone out there likes you.. take what you can get IMO, and oh my god no you're possibly working with a gay male!! which makes up 30% of the god damn population these days, write "Thanks but No?" next to the heart, take a compliment much =