Work: Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk...

By Peppermint - New Zealand

Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk phone number as the contact in case the lifts break down. I work in IT so there are hundreds of men in the building. Someone has already drawn a very wonky heart next to my name. FML

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Work

Our house, in the middle of our street

Taking stock

Money hole

By Bladerunner - United States

Today, my car was towed. After taking a cab all the way to the lot for $45 and paying the $250 fee to get my car back, my car broke down in the impound lot and needed to be towed to the nearest shop, where it took another $200 to fix, and $50 for the towing. I still have a 3 hour drive home. FML

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34053

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By Hairball - United States

Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML

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36510

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By youfuckingdumbassmum - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I was texting my mother after my boyfriend broke off our relationship. She offered incredibly supportive replies such as "No, really?" and "Aww, that sucks." before apparently getting bored and claiming she had to go because her "text reception" was breaking up. FML

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30608

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By twicethepersonioncewas - United States - Merion Station

Today, I'm still reeling over the unexpected loss of my co-worker. I also received a notification that my workload would be increased to more than twice what is was before. FML

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12230

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I took my child to the park. Having been there an hour, another mum came up to me and we started talking. She then told me that one kid had been harassing her children, pointing to my child. When she asked which one was mine I pointed to a random kid. It was hers. FML

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By xxccruzxx - United States

Today, at work, my phone kept crashing. Without thinking, I announced that it was having a seizure. Who did I announce this to? My boss. Who also happens to have epilepsy. FML

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By madisonnkelly - United States - Dallas

Today, I was laying in bed facing my dad. In the middle of our conversation, I noticed he became interested in something behind me. I turn around to the sight of my mom lifting up her shirt, flashing her boobs. FML

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By no I've never asked for anal - United States - Buffalo

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend constantly mentioning pegging and asking me to let her do it, I caved and figured I might as well stand by my "try anything once" rule. Her response? Saying she knew I was gay all along and dumping me. The fuck? FML

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30598

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By WipeYaBooty - United States - Franklin

Today, I woke up with chest pain. It hurt just to breathe, but my parents made me go to school. We're sitting in the emergency room now. FML

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By elijahrobrt - United States

Today, I went to a great concert. Against all odds, I got to meet the band. All I had for them to autograph was a flyer protesting their concert that was given to me on the way in. FML

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By i'm not psychic, mother fucker - Sweden - Uppsala

Bad timing

Today, I got a text message while driving home. I checked after arriving, and found it was a kinky text from my boyfriend, so I sent him an even kinkier reply. He later raged at me, because I somehow should have known he was showing off his phone to his mom when I sent my reply. FML

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61450

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By keisha89 - United States

Today, I finally met the guy I've been talking to online for a year. I'd dropped 10lbs off my weight. He'd shaved 20 years off his age. FML

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16848

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By heartfelt - Sweden - Uppsala

How you remind me

Today, I was rejected by a company I applied to. When I was writing my application, I spent so much time on their website researching that the ads on my browser are almost all for their products. It's like getting rejected again with every click. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38395

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By Sad and hungry - 25/4/2020 17:00

Tasty!

Today, my in-laws invited us over to dinner. I decided to help out in the kitchen and watched in horror as my mother-in-law licked every utensil, sucked her fingers while making the plates and slurped wine straight from the bottle. My husband said I was rude for refusing to eat. FML

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1829

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By RainyDay - United States

Today, My friend and I were stopped at a red light while it was pouring rain. We heard a screeching noise off in the distance and thought, "Hope someone doesn't get hit." Someone did get hit. We did. From behind. FML

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By ouch - United States - Lutz

Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML

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10601

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By Anonymous - United States - Corona

Today, after my daughter told half her class about my retainer, I advised her to keep mummy's personal details personal. Now she responds, "I'm not supposed to tell" to any question regarding our home life. Thus far, I've received six very concerned calls. FML

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By rusrs - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that my mother now refuses to drink anything but bottled water because she actually believes that the government is putting a chemical in tap water that lowers pregnancy rates. She is trying for her 5th child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML

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20604

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, after weeks of watching Michael Jackson videos non-stop, my boyfriend learned how to moonwalk. Now he does it literally everywhere. I can't even cross the street without him moonwalking behind me. FML

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20378

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By shaggy - Canada

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend getting it on with the neighbour's daughter. As soon as he saw me, he started singing 'It Wasn't Me' by Shaggy, completely naked, still sitting with the girl. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I proudly informed my grandma that I now have a girlfriend. My grandpa overheard and said how surprising that was, given how expensive blowup dolls are. He and my grandma then both laughed out loud. FML

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By Never Work With Animals or Children - United States - Van Nuys

Today, I ran out of the house after my dog, tripped and knocked myself out on the railing by the front step. I woke up to my little brother lifting up the back of my dress for the neighborhood to see. FML

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25125

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

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43161

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was chastised by the CEO in the middle of a management meeting for showing up late to work every day, despite being in my office before 9:00am every morning. It was my 5th day on the job and no one had bothered to tell me that the office opens at 8:00am, and not 9:00am. FML

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18387

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 11:01

Judgmental

Today, I just had an argument with my father. He claimed that if a woman is covered in tattoos, it's quite clear that she's a whore. He said so in front of my girlfriend, who has tattoos all over her arms. FML

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By Username

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML

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By fartbucket51995129565 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - New York

Richard ?

Today, after having asked me out on Monday, the guy I like angrily cancelled our date because I "hadn't bothered" even talking to him for "several days". One day. You didn't hear from me on Monday. It's now Tuesday. That's one day, dick. FML

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52240

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By Jim - United States

Today, my friends told me that they couldn't make it to my birthday dinner unless I changed the time, because I'd made dinner reservations that would clash with the new episode of Jersey Shore. FML

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40579

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By EnemyofKarma - Canada

Today, I marched into my workplace yelling "take this job and shove it", under the impression I would be on a flight in a few days out of here. However, the airline has informed me I cannot fly until April because cargo is too cold for my dog this time of year. Jobless, four weeks to wait. FML

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7253

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Completely wet

Today, I was drinking too much and I have to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I pissed the bed. FML

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698

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By mammasboy - United States - Springfield

Today, my mom scolded me and threatened to ground me for coming home past midnight. Normally, it wouldn't be unreasonable, except for the fact that I'm 24 years old, and that my parents live with me, in my own house. FML

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56815

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By scaredscreenless - United States

Today, I was on my back patio talking with my husband. It got dark outside, and I saw something shuffling in the back yard. I freaked out so bad that I went to run inside, only to fly face-first into the screen door. Turns out the shuffling was from a baby rabbit. FML

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By tacolove69 - United States

Today, I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. FML

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18683

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to surprise my girlfriend, who I hadn't seen in 3 weeks. When she opened the door, she gasped, told me to fuck off and slammed the door in my face. FML

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26672

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for speeding and got a $200 ticket. After I pulled away, I decided to warn the next car about the cop up ahead by flashing my headlights. The next car was another cop. He didn't appreciate my "help". FML

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40610

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By lol - United States

Today, I farted in front of my husband for the first time in 26 years. He told our kids over email, and now they won't shut up about it. FML

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31414

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By lowly101

Today, I stood up at my desk and fell. I landed on the arm of my desk chair. There was a loud crack when the plastic in the chair broke. My co-workers heard. They didn't come to check on me because I didn't scream. FML

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12447

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By yeah okay then - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML

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By princessbbee - United States

Today, I bought my cats two new litter boxes in hopes that they would use them. They still prefer to pee on the clothes in my closet. FML

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Top comments

By Ruckainc | 0

#2194568 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:02

Awwwwww. Someone likes you! :3

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2195099 - Thursday 17 March 2011 19:03

"Today, I saw the name of a cute girl i work with in the elevator. Bored and trying to be sweet, i drew a little heart by it. It wasn't my best work, for i was shaky and nervous. When she found out it was me, she kicked me in the nuts, called me a stalker, and is now suing for sexual harassment. FML"

COMMENTS

By junz_fml | 0

#2194565 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:01

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2194608 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:07

ooo

By NomsdePourquoi | 3

#2194566 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:01

what's a wonky heart?

Zebidee | 8

#2194624 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:10

won·ky Adjective /ˈwäNGkē/ shaky, rickety, wobbly, crooked, off-center, askew, faulty.

TayonaC | 10

#2194627 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:11

I guess a messed up mutilated heart....

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2194639 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:14

How offensive! I spent a long time drawing that heart! And op, you should be thankful you work in a place where the only thing you need to get laid is a vagina.(: lol

MissBunny25 | 0

#2194656 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:17

aw you and the owner of the wonky heart should go out! I'll cook y'all the special of the week... boiling macaroni :D

tulsafml | 0

#2194666 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:21

haha troll

Blazingcrono | 6

#2194673 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:22

It's IT. No hot men allowed (presumedly).

alfredrog | 0

#2194738 - Thursday 17 March 2011 16:46

well at least u got one, some people in FML wish they did :p

NuyoRicanGirl | 3

#2194776 - Thursday 17 March 2011 17:04

LOL #26 is boiling macaroni your specialty =p Mmmm

SirEBC | 7

#2194806 - Thursday 17 March 2011 17:24

Please don't start the macaroni shit again.

MissBunny25 | 0

#2194814 - Thursday 17 March 2011 17:24

51 lmfao. I won't just for you.

Codezlol | 21

#2194985 - Thursday 17 March 2011 18:31

ravioli>macaroni ;)

MissBunny25 | 0

#2194998 - Thursday 17 March 2011 18:35

72 to save our relationship, I will pretend like I didn't read that

Codezlol | 21

#2195031 - Thursday 17 March 2011 18:47

Hey once you go ravioli you... yeah I got nothin ;(

Jonny_Trump | 0

#2195197 - Thursday 17 March 2011 19:27

I love macaroni. :D If I were wearing a macaroni suit, would you love me?

calvin10 | 0

#2195260 - Thursday 17 March 2011 19:45

love the southern accent girl! :-)

CommonSenseKarma | 17

#2195323 - Thursday 17 March 2011 20:10

Easy Mac :D lol
Macaroni all the way

docscientist | 9

#2195410 - Thursday 17 March 2011 20:47

Nothing like borderline glowing orange powder mixed with water, heat, and macaroni to make your day.

MissBunny25 | 0

#2195425 - Thursday 17 March 2011 20:50

89, no. perhaps if it were real macaroni. I dont eat fabric.

iluffmcrandbvb | 1

#2195477 - Thursday 17 March 2011 21:06

congrats on yr bby, 50

Lolerskatez | 0

#2196093 - Thursday 17 March 2011 23:38

I'd be thankful someone out there likes you.. take what you can get IMO, and oh my god no you're possibly working with a gay male!! which makes up 30% of the god damn population these days, write "Thanks but No?" next to the heart, take a compliment much =