Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend... - FML

By boobs are for baby - 5/6/2018 11:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend why I’m not interested in any kind of breast or nipple play. I gave birth to our son just 2 months ago and I strictly breastfeed. He insists it’s "not fair" that the baby gets the breasts all the time. Um, what? FML

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Proactive

Does it taste good?

Empathy hurts

By whyme - 12/9/2013 14:44 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was standing in line at the grocery store waiting for my husband. After a while, I feel him kissing my neck, so I turn to tell him that it's not appropriate in public. It wasn't my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2009 06:39 - Canada

Today, I was at the cafeteria of my school with my boyfriend and he dumped me. I was kinda expecting it. What I wasn't expecting was that he'd start running in front of everyone, screaming "FREEEEEEEEEDOM!" at the top of his lungs and that he'd kiss the first girl he saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2011 12:03 - Israel

Today, I went on a date with a woman. She brought along her stuffed rabbit, and introduced us. FML

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By NotAGoodDay - 10/8/2016 18:57 - United Kingdom - Sudbury

Today, I had severe constipation. I went to get some more laxatives when I felt something fall onto the top of my head. I reached up to see what it was and it turned out to be quite a large spider. Guess who isn't constipated anymore. FML

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By thegrandchawhee - 29/8/2015 17:13 - United States - Yakima

Today, I was scheduled to fill in at the customer service counter where I work. Today was also the day that I allegedly accused a customer of being a thief, sold her a fraudulent money order, and will be sued for defamation of character. FML

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By shitless88 - 20/8/2011 00:23 - United States

Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML

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By SirDirtyRedD - 25/1/2014 01:03 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2019 04:00

Framed

Today, the police turned up. It turns out the girl I slept with two nights ago was burgled. She told my great aunt, who happens to live next door to her. They then told my grandparents, who then told my mum. I'm now a suspect. FML

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By mrnikc - 24/3/2020 02:04 - United States

Knowledge is power

Today, my mother told me the sun was the largest planet in the solar system. When I told her it was a star, she accused me of lying. We had to bring Google into this. FML

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By trisha - 16/7/2012 20:57 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, my husband and I agreed that he would name our first born and I would name our second. He's dead-set on naming our child "Raindropp" no matter whether it's a boy or girl. FML

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By shaifox96 - 17/4/2015 03:34 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I received a terrible grade for an essay I worked really hard on. I had two friends, one being an English major, check it over. However, apparently I "clearly didn't use spellcheck" on this essay just like the last one I submitted to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2018 00:00

Today is my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend, all I wanted to do was treat him to dinner and be intimate with him. However today is also the 9th day of my period and the 5th day that I’m feeling constantly nauseous. My period should’ve ended 5 days ago...FML

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By poopydaddy - 3/5/2013 11:32 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML

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By buttuglyforeveralone :( - 5/7/2013 21:37 - United Kingdom - Treharris

Today, my step-dad tried to talk me into getting plastic surgery. His reasoning: "Let's face it, 28 and single? Look, I know your mum gave you shitty genes, but that's no excuse to avoid fixing your face, honey." FML

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By workwork - 5/8/2019 14:00

Today, I got a threatening email from my manager, saying my job is in jeopardy if I call off again. Somehow, my leaving early to drive my mom to the ER is inexcusable, yet it's perfectly fine for the same manager to leave early to take her dogs to the groomers. FML

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By sam.exe - 29/4/2016 19:26 - United States - New York

Today, I was declined a sales position at a local store. As I headed out, I heard the interviewer telling a colleague, "Christ. That kid had less charisma than Microsoft Sam." FML

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By failing - 16/10/2015 16:40 - United States - Greenbelt

Today, my grandpa passed away. The only emotion my dad showed was anger, because my grandpa owed my dad money. Now he wants to take it from my grandma, like he's some sort of mobster. FML

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By Jaws - 10/2/2011 16:09 - France

Today, I got slapped in the face by my girlfriend with a banana skin, because I finished up the chocolate cake. FML

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By "AR Good" - 26/3/2019 11:00 - United States - Hawthorne

Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don't want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, I had to say "Put away your burrito," "that ruler is not a light saber," and "stop making dog noises" all in the same sentence at work. I teach Advanced Placement Calculus to high school seniors. FML

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By Nick - 14/7/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, while I was working as a waitress, I had to wait on a table of 13 people. I was struggling through it and when they finally left I went by the table to pick up my tip. Instead of a money I got a napkin saying "Here's your tip, don't be a waitress." FML

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By passedoutpolly - 1/8/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I went to a huge rock concert. While waiting in a half a mile long line to get in, I passed out due to the heat. I regained consciousness to hear about a hundred people yelling and trying to help me. My boyfriend, who I went with, was not one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2015 19:16 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The guy chuckled mockingly at my master's degree in philosophy and wound up admitting that he had no idea why I'd even been selected to be interviewed. FML

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By usmcpain - 23/6/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I couldn't sleep and in the process of tossing and turning I did something very painful to my back. I spent 4 years in the marine corps infantry, but laying in a bed kicks my ass. FML

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By ishouldntdrink - 10/1/2010 15:11 - United States

Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML

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By Sky - 16/1/2017 22:00

Today, it's the 6th day that we have been snowed in. We haven't left the house, because we can't. I've done at least 30 hours of Legos. FML

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By I'll Make You FartCum - 2/1/2015 21:53 - United States - San Francisco

Great handle!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

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By Chansus10 - 20/10/2014 15:03 - United States - Greendale

Today, my boss drove past me while I was walking to work, and splashing mud over my uniform. When I got to work, he criticized me for showing up in unpresentable condition. FML

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By Wolf - 7/11/2018 15:30

Today, I went to my local bank after getting an email from them concerning unknown purchases. Four hours later, I was still in police custody. Someone had been using my account to purchase guns and drugs. FML

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By CasperTheFriendlyGhost - 14/7/2016 17:11 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was told to rub in my sunscreen because I looked like a ghost. I wasn't wearing any. I'm just that white. FML

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By MexicanMe - 14/9/2012 14:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had breakfast with his grandmother. She told him how I'm prettier than "that Mexican" he'd brought home for dinner last week. We had dinner with her last week, and I'm that same Mexican. She then went on to how Mexicans are what's wrong with the economy. FML

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By singleladynow - 20/1/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, I bought something special at Victoria's Secret, then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriend's house. When I got there, he broke up with me. We're 37 years old and he actually gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. FML

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By :/ - 4/2/2013 00:26 - Netherlands - Nijkerk

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for 2 months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

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By emma_waters23 - 26/4/2013 00:11 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I was walking my dog. A cute guy stopped me and said, "Wow, you are gorgeous!" I said thanks. He looked at me like I was nuts and said, "Not you, your dog." FML

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By sn-511 - 1/3/2013 22:54 - Italy - Naples

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and after a while, she moved her hand down to my crotch. She felt my erection, then got up and yelled at me, calling me a horny pig for "assuming we were going to have sex." FML

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By a816090 - 27/5/2019 18:09

Today, I got written up because I took a dump at work that lasted longer than 5 minutes, and I didn't punch out for it as a "paid break." FML

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By Mikaela - 1/6/2012 03:25 - United States

Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML

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By o.v. - 16/5/2011 16:04 - Bangladesh

Today, the pipe in the dining room sink suddenly broke open and in about 15 minutes my entire apartment was turned into an indoor swimming pool. The worst part? I was there the entire time, playing video games with my headphones on. FML

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By Math_Rocker - 2/9/2009 22:17 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. Usually, people just sit still when asleep. Nope, not me. Not only had I been violently rocking and nodding my head, the teacher stopped class for everyone to see for 5 minutes as she made jokes. What woke me? The intense laughter followed by embarrassment. FML

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By montextes - 25/7/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, my mom finally learned how to text. Now it's her way of communicating, even when we're in the same room. FML

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Top comments

By thehunterofprey | 5

#7643903 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 20:42

As a man I pity this idiot.

By Kitten | 12

#7643917 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 21:21

I could barely stand my own breath on my breasts after two months of breastfeeding. Breast play and nipple play would be excruciating! Yes, boobs are nice and everyone wants to play with them. But you can do that without hurting them, guys.

COMMENTS

By thehunterofprey | 5

#7643903 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 20:42

As a man I pity this idiot.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7643915 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 21:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

rebelwithmouseyhair | 16

#7644939 - Thursday 7 June 2018 20:33

yeah well her body her rules.

By Kitten | 12

#7643917 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 21:21

I could barely stand my own breath on my breasts after two months of breastfeeding. Breast play and nipple play would be excruciating! Yes, boobs are nice and everyone wants to play with them. But you can do that without hurting them, guys.

By Rabite | 28

#7643946 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 22:23

Why does this always has to be explained at all? Just no, dude.

By tranced_ | 44

#7643989 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 0:21

Goodluck with the relationship :)

By ChromoTec | 24

#7643990 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 0:23

Q: What's the same about boobs and Legos?
A: They were made for children, but it's the men who play with them.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7644026 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 5:13

When they say a baby takes everything from you, this is a perfect example.

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7644036 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 5:51

Draw nipples onto your butt cheeks, problem solved. Just remember to only feed baby with the nipples on your chest.

By mssileas | 25

#7644050 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 6:41

And so he thinks acting like a baby too will grant him access to your breasts so he can go to town despite you being in actual physical pain? Great logic.

Reply

I'madumbass | 19

#7644073 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 8:00

Yes. Love the sarcasm. Just yes.

By blink831forever | 13

#7644095 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 8:59

I'm sorry that you are with a jackass.