Intimacy, Kids and Health: Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend... - FML

By boobs are for baby - United States - Hesperia

Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend why I’m not interested in any kind of breast or nipple play. I gave birth to our son just 2 months ago and I strictly breastfeed. He insists it’s "not fair" that the baby gets the breasts all the time. Um, what? FML

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Messed up

Crushed

Just a prank, bro!

By Anonymous - 17/12/2020 22:58 - Canada - Newmarket

Bored

Today, my alcoholic dad finally came to see to my last dance recital after years of never showing up to watch me. He got kicked out of the audience for snoring too loud. I could hear him from the stage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ceiling fan was rocking violently so I turned it off. I stood under it trying to figure out what the problem is, it fell on my face. FML

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By poop - United States

Today, my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on Facebook. He tagged me in it. FML

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By mokki - Canada - Toronto

Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML

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By lois2lane - United States

Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left a note on the kitchen table saying to leave the door unlocked because I lost my key. I come home to find our house ransacked and robbed. Minutes later, I found my key. In my pocket. FML

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By Alisterine - United States - Chesterfield

Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML

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By Mrs. Teacher - United States - Suwanee

Today, I collected my students' notes in class to check them. One girl, who is always drawing weird anime crap in her sketchbook, turned in just one piece of paper that read, "FUCK YOUR CLASS." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring Hope

Today, I am sitting next to a guy who very clearly has lice crawling on his head. It's a six hour flight. FML

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By Mike Polk - United States

Today, there was a guy following me, so to avoid him, I crouched down and basically waddled behind a wall to get past him. Sure enough, first thing I see when I get around the corner, while still waddling, was an unhappy midget couple staring right at me. FML

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By thanksdad - United States - Beaverton

Today, my dad was helping my fiancé and me move. On the way, someone sideswiped the trailer. When the police came, we found my dad had a suspended license, no insurance, and a broken tail light. No one else could drive a manual, so we were stuck in a parking lot for 3 hours. Thanks, dad. FML

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By DuckyKiller - United States

Today, I was at a pond taking pictures with my new camera. I saw a mama duck leading her babies around and decided to get in closer to take a picture. Mama duck got spooked and led her babies too close to a waterfall escaping. One fell off. It never surfaced. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying "only these guns" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. And neither will the cops down at the station. FML

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By cheeseburglar_9000 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I learned that if not for my grandfather gifting my dad $200, I would have been named Anthrax. FML

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By Lameartist

Today, I had just finished an elaborate charcoal drawing as part of a college application that took a good week. When I read over the requirements, I found out it needed to be done in graphite pencil. FML

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By dude - France

Today, I called up my ex girlfriend to ask her if I could come round hers to get my pyjamas back. She replied: "I'm keeping them just in case..." - "In case of what?" - "In case I want to dress up like an asshole". FML

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By twatstick - United Kingdom - Worksop

Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML

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By off to the whorehouse, then - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend decided to name my penis Tyrion Lannister. FML

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By NextTimeMom'sDriving - Canada - Kelowna

Today, my family and I were on a road trip. Everything was fine until we discovered that my dad, the driver, was not only fast asleep, he was also snoring. We were in the middle of the highway. FML

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By Jealousbitch - United States - Mulberry

Today, I had to admit that my jealousy issues were becoming a problem when I almost told my boyfriend not to apply at the local McDonald's, because of the high school girls that would see him there. FML

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By Thescarlettfox - 17/9/2020 16:58

Now Playing

Today, my eleven-year-old cousin, who lives with me, has discovered Old Town Road. He’s been playing it for four hours on repeat and I’m ready to scream. FML

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By sam_666777 - United States - Farmingdale

Today, my 8 year old son asked me why he had to make his bed everyday if he would just use it again. I replied with, "You flush the toilet even though you're going to use it again, right?" He said, "Good point." Now he's not making his bed or flushing the toilet. FML

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By Sarraahh - 19/4/2020 05:00 - Canada

Mystery

Today, my 65-year-old grandmother called and asked me to tell my boyfriend that she was flattered, but she's happily married. I have no idea what she was talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML

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By Betrayed - United States

Today, my family took me to a wig store saying I wouldn't feel so insecure about being bald because of my chemo treatments. When I told them I accepted myself and didn't want a wig, they came out and told me THEY couldn't accept it. My own family is embarrassed of me over something I can't control. FML

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By locksmack - Australia

Today, I was peeing in the shower when my girlfriend suddenly pulled open the shower curtain in an attempt to scare me. Startled, I quickly spun around and peed all over her dress. FML

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By pokeOww

Dash!

Today, my brother thought it'd be hilarious to tease a group of Pokémon players. They thought it'd be hilarious to beat both our asses. FML

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By BustedEgo - United States - Norway

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't know what it's like to be turned on. Apparently, I've been doing something wrong for the past two years. FML

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By RIPLife - Switzerland - Carouge

Today, I managed to have 17 different nosebleeds throughout the most important job interview of my life. I managed to bleed all over my own suit, my résumé, the carpet, and the corridor leading to the bathroom. FML

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By LifeInShambles

Today, I decided to turn my life around by finding a job, going to a gym, and getting counselling. Counselling is £145 a month. A gym would be £50 a month minimum, and there's an 8-year gap in my resumé, and everyone says no one will hire me because of it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

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By TooShort - United States

Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15. FML

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By tacoboy - United States

Today, I was on a date with a girl I've had feelings for since I was 14 (I'm 22). I took her out to dinner, then to a movie that we both liked and had a few drinks afterwards. I thought it was going really well until I was driving her home and she asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's house. FML

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By XRayXLopez1 - United States - Dallas

Today, I met a friend I hadn't seen in forever. After talking for a while, he says "I knew there was a reason I stopped talking to you." FML

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By ThisIsMyLife

Flowers (Nothing But)

Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

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By where's the epipen - United States - Tampa

Today, I accidentally stepped on a dead bee. The stinger was still intact. How do I know? It stung my foot. I'm allergic to bees. FML

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By lostforlife - United States - Camden

Today, I asked my teenage daughter to read off directions from my iPhone while I drove. She went on Instagram instead. We missed the turn by 32 miles. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was talking to my mother when we both heard a continuous buzzing noise. Unable to locate the source of the noise we gave up. About an hour later, my mother yells down the stairs to me. Turns out my dog stole my vibrator, chewed it and presented it to my mother. FML

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By Telemistake - United States

Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days...I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML

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By Peekaman - United States

Today, I was riding the subway when a beautiful topless girl walked into my car and sat directly in front of me. Then, the train stopped abruptly and I banged my head. The girl was gone and I realized it had all been a dream. Then I realized I was supposed to get off 17 stops ago. FML

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By loserface23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years asked me to marry him so that we can consolidate our student loans. FML

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Top comments

By thehunterofprey | 5

#7643903 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 20:42

As a man I pity this idiot.

By Kitten | 12

#7643917 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 21:21

I could barely stand my own breath on my breasts after two months of breastfeeding. Breast play and nipple play would be excruciating! Yes, boobs are nice and everyone wants to play with them. But you can do that without hurting them, guys.

COMMENTS

By thehunterofprey | 5

#7643903 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 20:42

As a man I pity this idiot.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7643915 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 21:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

rebelwithmouseyhair | 16

#7644939 - Thursday 7 June 2018 20:33

yeah well her body her rules.

By Kitten | 12

#7643917 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 21:21

I could barely stand my own breath on my breasts after two months of breastfeeding. Breast play and nipple play would be excruciating! Yes, boobs are nice and everyone wants to play with them. But you can do that without hurting them, guys.

By Rabite | 28

#7643946 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 22:23

Why does this always has to be explained at all? Just no, dude.

By tranced_ | 44

#7643989 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 0:21

Goodluck with the relationship :)

By ChromoTec | 24

#7643990 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 0:23

Q: What's the same about boobs and Legos?
A: They were made for children, but it's the men who play with them.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7644026 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 5:13

When they say a baby takes everything from you, this is a perfect example.

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7644036 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 5:51

Draw nipples onto your butt cheeks, problem solved. Just remember to only feed baby with the nipples on your chest.

By mssileas | 25

#7644050 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 6:41

And so he thinks acting like a baby too will grant him access to your breasts so he can go to town despite you being in actual physical pain? Great logic.

Reply

I'madumbass | 19

#7644073 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 8:00

Yes. Love the sarcasm. Just yes.

By blink831forever | 13

#7644095 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 8:59

I'm sorry that you are with a jackass.