Intimacy, Kids and Health: Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend... - FML

By boobs are for baby - United States - Hesperia

Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend why I’m not interested in any kind of breast or nipple play. I gave birth to our son just 2 months ago and I strictly breastfeed. He insists it’s "not fair" that the baby gets the breasts all the time. Um, what? FML

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Commando

Out of it

Overreaction club

By Anonymous

Some people are just lazy

Today, while working, I saw a man napping under a tree. He was still there 3 hours later. Turns out he was dead. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me because he loves toilets. Everyone was sleeping so I went pee but didnt flush. My cat jumped onto the seat and fell in. I had to lift him out and then wash him. He hates water though, so I was scratched by my cat who was dripping with my own pee. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Girls will be girls

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She had her whole hand in me kind of deep. It was hitting everything inside me and triggered me to poop a little bit, on her arm and the bed. FML

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By WTFDude

Today, I was punched in the face for wearing a Ramones shirt. The guy who punched me said he was tired of people wearing the shirt without knowing who they were. I've been a Ramones fan my whole life and am the only person I know who has worn the shirt. FML

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By Steve - United States

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went out for New Year's. When I got back, I found my house had been broken into. I found a note saying, "Happy New Year, sucker." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend. There were some tents set up out the back so we decided to go in one. When we came out we got weird looks. It turns out my friend had turned on some lights behind the tent, showing a huge silhouette of me giving head. FML

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By not_dead_yet - United States

Today, it was my first big time art show. To celebrate I went out to lunch with some people who's work was also there. When we got back police were every where. Someone had broken and stolen all of the art. All except mine. Even burglars don't want my art. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, while I was working, someone came in and attempted to purchase GTA 5 with a medical marijuana card. FML

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By Eternal_Babyface - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend and bemoaning the fact that my new coworkers keep mixing up my gender. She looked at me critically and said, "Yeah, until you can grow a decent beard, people are going to keep thinking you're an intern or a butch lesbian." FML

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By so bored -__- - United States

Today, my parents dragged me along to a family soccer game. I got so bored watching a bunch of grown men practically buttfucking each other between kicking balls around the field, that I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to an empty field and had to walk five miles back home. FML

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By hurt - United States - Boise

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of our differing skin tones. The contrast weirds him out during sex. FML

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By Cecilian - 6/3/2021 00:30

Stand up guy

Today, I found out why my fiancé has been treating me like garbage lately. He thought that me getting fed up and dumping him would save him the unpleasant task of having to confess to the affair he’s been having with his coworker. We’re expecting our baby girl in 4 months. FML

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By sydneybourgeois - United States

Today, the guy of my dreams told me he liked me and leaned in to kiss me. Just as our lips touched, I ripped a big ass fart. FML

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By facebook - Australia

Today, my girlfriend "accidentally" set her relationship status to "single", and 20 of my friends "liked" it, including my mom. FML

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By howard1954 - 27/10/2020 17:02

Where are you?

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to take him 30 minutes away to meet his friends so he could go fishing, adding that they wouldn't be gone all night. I dropped him off 13 hours ago, and he doesn't have a phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I start work in an office, with my mother. FML

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By dumbdad - United States

Today, my dad finally used the electric shaver I bought him for Christmas. My dog now has bald patches. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, my boyfriend forced me to climb out through his window, because he was too embarrassed at the thought of his room-mate finding out I'd spent the night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandparents are in town for the weekend and are staying in our guest bedroom. This morning I went upstairs to get a drink of water only to see my 75 year old grandfather standing stark naked with the fridge door open. He then asks me if we have any coffee creamer. FML

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By Missy - United States

Today, I told my mom I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready. Her reply? "Well, you can't stay a virgin forever." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I was taking the bus home, I sat down next to a man wearing an FML shirt. While snickering I said to him "You totally deserved it." I guess he thought that comment deserved a broken nose. FML

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By SBT1030 - United States

Today, I was helping my sister by getting some old boxes down from her attic. Too bad I didn't realize the piece of plywood I was standing on doesn't extend all over the attic floor. Of course, I did realize it when I went through the ceiling onto the concrete floor of her garage. FML

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By astalkerindeed - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that my cell phone bill was much higher than normal. After investigating, I realized that a text conversation I had with my stalker, telling him multiple times not to contact me anymore, was to an international cell phone. I have to pay to be stalked. FML

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By BowTiesAr3Cool - United States - Irving

Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML

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By Dean - United States

Today, after months of constant encouragement from my friends, I went and entered a singing contest. I sang and was booed off stage. Later on I found out my friends lied to me about my ability to sing, just so I could give them a cheap laugh. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I failed a final presentation. My partner, who did none of the research, presented the entire project, talking over me and glaring when I spoke up. He denied everything and the professor didn't believe me. Now I have to retake this class with the same professor. FML

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By Shell - United States

Today, I was working at Chuck-E-Cheese. If that isn't enough, I was put in the mouse costume. Due to the disgusting hot smell and atmosphere in the costume, I fainted in front of a birthday party. I awoke to a little boy screaming who then kicked me in the face and ran. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was about to orgasm while my boyfriend was giving me oral sex, I tightened my grip on his hair and began shouting his name. He stopped, looked up at me, and said, "What?" FML

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By minnie - 14/2/2021 06:01 - United States - Denver

Unreasonable

Today, my boyfriend left me because he found out I cheated on my first boyfriend when I was 12. That was back before I knew what "cheating" was and I thought it was okay to love more than one person. FML

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By mylifeisamovie - United States

Today, I woke up to a tap on my shoulder and had no idea where I was. I quickly discovered It was 11 am and I was still at the bar I had been drinking at the night before. My shoes were gone. FML

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By Forgotten One - France

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years decided to start an online blog about his life. He mentioned his cars, his friends and even his staff. I was never mentioned. FML

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By Robert Herrin

Kinky Crab

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my younger cousin bought his girlfriend of 3 months a bunch of flowers. The only flower I've ever got from my boyfriend of 3 years is a plastic one he found on the floor in a bar. FML

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By biomajor99 - United States - Middletown

Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the gas station pumping gas when the lady in front of me had a little boy who asked if he could pump the gas. She said yes and then quickly answered her phone, as it was ringing. She wasn't watching him and he pulled out the pump to early, spraying gas all over me, including my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newport

Today, I happily announced that I'm getting married. My dad immediately shot back, "And I'm getting E.D., who gives a damn?" Just when I thought he was joking, he muttered that "the bitch" will take everything in our divorce. Moment ruined. FML

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By child of a crazed women - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my sister used my mobile phone to call her boyfriend who is married with children. His wife found my number on his phone and thinks that I am my sister. Since then, she has been calling me non-stop, calling me a 'prostitute' each time. FML

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Top comments

By thehunterofprey | 5

#7643903 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 20:42

As a man I pity this idiot.

By Kitten | 12

#7643917 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 21:21

I could barely stand my own breath on my breasts after two months of breastfeeding. Breast play and nipple play would be excruciating! Yes, boobs are nice and everyone wants to play with them. But you can do that without hurting them, guys.

COMMENTS

By thehunterofprey | 5

#7643903 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 20:42

As a man I pity this idiot.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7643915 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 21:19

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

rebelwithmouseyhair | 16

#7644939 - Thursday 7 June 2018 20:33

yeah well her body her rules.

By Kitten | 12

#7643917 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 21:21

I could barely stand my own breath on my breasts after two months of breastfeeding. Breast play and nipple play would be excruciating! Yes, boobs are nice and everyone wants to play with them. But you can do that without hurting them, guys.

By Rabite | 28

#7643946 - Tuesday 5 June 2018 22:23

Why does this always has to be explained at all? Just no, dude.

By tranced_ | 44

#7643989 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 0:21

Goodluck with the relationship :)

By ChromoTec | 24

#7643990 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 0:23

Q: What's the same about boobs and Legos?
A: They were made for children, but it's the men who play with them.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7644026 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 5:13

When they say a baby takes everything from you, this is a perfect example.

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7644036 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 5:51

Draw nipples onto your butt cheeks, problem solved. Just remember to only feed baby with the nipples on your chest.

By mssileas | 25

#7644050 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 6:41

And so he thinks acting like a baby too will grant him access to your breasts so he can go to town despite you being in actual physical pain? Great logic.

Reply

I'madumbass | 19

#7644073 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 8:00

Yes. Love the sarcasm. Just yes.

By blink831forever | 13

#7644095 - Wednesday 6 June 2018 8:59

I'm sorry that you are with a jackass.