Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my... - FML

By ouchmynose - 18/2/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face off of my knee and breaking my nose. FML

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Proactive

Rock, hard place

The Summoner

By Good 2 have friends. - 28/12/2011 18:04 - United States

Today, I had the last wedding meeting with my fiancé at our church. Running extremely late from my friends house I failed to notice a small penis drawn on my forehead by my friends when I fell asleep after a party. The priest wasn't too happy and said numerous prayers for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I was in a department store with my three year old daughter to buy some new jeans. I took her into the dressing room with me and as I began to take off my pants she yells, "Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 05:00

Today, I met an old friend, who accidentally revealed he once met my wife in a club. They were both drunk and she let him have anal sex with her for a fiver in a club toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 11:54 - Australia

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

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By Marlon - 11/12/2010 08:18 - United States

Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML

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By rolyat - 1/5/2012 16:41 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my underwear off, she looked at my penis, snorted, and covered her mouth. She claimed that her "allergies" were flaring and we have to wait until they clear up. FML

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By bgoodwin07 - 29/11/2011 13:31 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 05:00

Am I even here?

Today, I got written up at work for not cleaning up the breakfast area, and because multiple guests complained how sloppy and messy it looked. I'm on lockdown in a completely different country. FML

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By moo... - 18/5/2013 02:59

Today, I was on a date with this guy I just met and we went to a fancy restaurant. Halfway through the meal, there was an awkward silence, and he decided to end it by saying "You know, you chew like a cow." FML

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By jacked - 2/10/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, I was taking a group shot with my friends when I asked a stranger to take the picture for us. He backed up and told us to squish closer together, and when he was at least 20 feet away, he turned and ran off with my camera. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2015 03:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was about to orgasm while my boyfriend was giving me oral sex, I tightened my grip on his hair and began shouting his name. He stopped, looked up at me, and said, "What?" FML

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By bear - 21/5/2012 22:47 - Norway - Bod?

Today, it's been three weeks since I started using a hair-growth shampoo in the hopes of combating my balding. All it's done so far is make the hair I do have monstrously bushy, both upstairs and down. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the lake. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and I whispered to her "just pee in the lake, it's fine, but go in a little deeper." She went in the lake and turned to me to yell "MOM, IS THIS DEEP ENOUGH FOR ME TO PEE?" FML

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By meme71 - 21/2/2011 10:22

Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2015 13:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my boss for a couple of days off to recover from a nasty ear infection which has left me hard of hearing. However, he didn't understand why that would affect my job and refused. I work in a telephone call centre. FML

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By Christoams - 12/1/2009 04:35 - France

Today, I was putting a new lightbulb in when my wife walks into the room and says "you can't see a thing, i'll turn the light on for you". And she did. FML

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By Knittedbirch - 14/11/2016 02:36

Today, my mom volunteered me to house-sit for one of her friends. This lady has texted me over ten times in less than 24 hours, called me unreasonable for not dropping jury duty to meet with her, and has messaged my mom multiple times to complain about me. My mom already said I would do this for free. FML

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By SirPimPim - 14/6/2010 14:32 - Sweden

Today, it was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, and said: "Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world." My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2015 05:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my son was planning on going clubbing. I disapproved, but no matter what I say he never listens, so I simply offered him some condoms so he doesn't end up knocking anyone up. He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML

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By anyone - 2/9/2010 04:48 - Lebanon

Today, while browsing facebook I found out that today was my school's class reunion. I was the ONLY one not invited. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 17:01

Birthday blues

Today, I turned 39 and I finally had my very first surprise birthday party. It was held by a group of video game animals in Animal Crossing instead of by real people, because I'm not important enough to them to remember my birthday without Facebook's intervention. FML

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By Nigel - 13/7/2015 21:15 - United States

Today, most of my family was out of the house, so I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and browse some porn. Five minutes later my sister comes and asks me to disconnect from bluetooth and that my "dinosaur noises" were blocking her and her friend's music. I'm currently hiding in shame. FML

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By a man - 10/4/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, my dog decided to fly through the front door like Superman. All 180lbs of her promptly slammed sideways into the wall, putting a dog-sized hole in the plaster. FML

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By DieTrying - 2/2/2012 09:31 - United States

Today, while in bed with my fiancée, I asked her to take off her pants so we could get it on. She said, "No, I don't feel like squeezing into them again." I was cockblocked by a pair of jeans. FML

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By Soapy - 28/6/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours washing my hands to get the pony out of the soap bar. I'm 16. FML

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By bonnmo - 11/11/2018 11:30 - United States

Today, I took a big, smelly, satisfying dump when I woke up. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. None of my four roommates bothered to tell me we didn’t have running water. FML

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By sleepy - 1/7/2019 02:10

Today, I was trying to fall asleep. Unfortunately, my next-door neighbor's baby began to cry. I closed the window and rolled over, unable to hear the crying anymore. My dog's hearing is better than mine, and so he started barking. Goodbye, good night's sleep. FML

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By rhartnett11 - 23/4/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, while trying on clothes in Macy's, someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall. I now have a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 08:25 - United States

Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

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By DesignNerd - 25/1/2019 18:00

Today, my best friend excitedly told me all about this new video game she'd just discovered that she thought I'd love. It was her Xmas present from me 2 years ago. FML

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By leilei - 30/11/2010 00:25 - Philippines

Today, I refused to ride with a friend on a motorcycle because it is unsafe and went to take the bus. As I got off the bus, I got hit by a speeding motorcycle and ended up in hospital. FML

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By wellokaythen - 14/5/2013 19:52 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML

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By Cody - 6/7/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, during my shift at a restaurant, my boss's daughter came in. I couldn't help but notice that she was almost popping out of her low-cut top. After having a private chat with her, my boss took me aside and said, "My daughter's got eyes you know, not just a pair of tits". FML

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By MIB - 13/7/2011 16:26 - United States

Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML

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By - 29/12/2020 14:00

Fancy Hobo

Today, I decided to change my name on YouTube to Fancy Hobo and then proceeded to send an email to a well-admired professor. Little did I know my email was linked to YouTube. Yes, Fancy Hobo sent a very professional email about registration for Grad School. FML

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By Jim - 25/1/2011 08:27

Today, during PE I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my husband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML

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By DrGas - 4/9/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, while giving a lecture about gases to a large chemistry class, I went outside to let loose an unusualy loud fart while they took some notes. I came back in only to see 300 students dying of laughter. I had left the wireless mic on. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2012 12:38 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I watched as my neighbor walked to my front lawn, looked me right in the eye, and pissed on my mailbox. FML

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By FuckPollen - 8/7/2015 11:01 - United Kingdom - Hartlepool

Today, I attended a work interview. My hay fever has been flaring up during the hot weather, causing my throat to swell up and make me short of breath, which I explained. The woman interviewing me told me I was unsuccessful, as customers wouldn't be able to understand someone with my 'disability'. FML

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Top comments

By Dude_fml | 0

#3380 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 15:30

sneezing hard makes your head go backwards, since you are sneezing forward. Thus the head going forward motion is from the sneezemotion itself and thus we can classify this as a reflex. Thus it is just a sucky sneeze at the wrong place and the wrong time. I wish you a speedy recovery.

By xninix_fml | 36

#5613145 - Monday 5 August 2013 1:43

HOW?

COMMENTS

By Raven_fml | 0

#3304 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 11:33

haha Wow.

Reply

My2864 | 1

#988305 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 19:32

why didnt you turn away
do you like sneezing over yourself?

Reply

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1293740 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 7:32

oww

By ODEEZY | 0

#3368 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 15:07

you have steriod flavored sneezes if you can do bodily damage to yourself like that... lay off the roids A-Rod.... XD

By Dude_fml | 0

#3380 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 15:30

sneezing hard makes your head go backwards, since you are sneezing forward. Thus the head going forward motion is from the sneezemotion itself and thus we can classify this as a reflex. Thus it is just a sucky sneeze at the wrong place and the wrong time. I wish you a speedy recovery.

By Unsuprised | 0

#3465 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 19:34

YOU DESERVED IT

Reply

xninix_fml | 36

#5613145 - Monday 5 August 2013 1:43

HOW?

Reply

Epickitty58 | 29

#6254005 - Monday 6 April 2015 17:28

When does anyone ever deserve to break their nose?*

*Except if they've purposely done something equally bad or worse to somebody else who didn't deserve it.

By bsneeze | 0

#3510 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 21:18

aww that is sad, i hope your nose heals okay. :(

By alwaysalady | 0

#3530 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 21:48

sneezes can throw people around. I've tripped the force of my sneezes before. I hope the fix it good, otherwise you'll end up with a lump.

By IngenuityGap | 0

#3538 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 21:56

I'm sitting here wondering how it is even possible to be that uncoordinated.

By SquishBoom | 0

#3554 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 22:22

This was brilliantly hilarious!

By csigabajnok | 0

#3626 - Thursday 19 February 2009 0:56

FAIL

By brittini | 0

#3815 - Thursday 19 February 2009 6:04

Thats happened to me before too; it sucks!!