Intimacy: Today, I heard my parents having sex for the first time so I... - FML

By scarred - 27/07/2009 04:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I heard my parents having sex for the first time so I turned the TV up really loud to drown out the noise, and a minute or two later my mom comes downstairs in this skimpy nightgown to ask me why the TV was so loud and, seeing the horror on my face, kept asking what was wrong with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 879

You deserved it 3 914

Best teeth in the game

Own it

Sounds like a catch

By naughtytwinsisters - 25/02/2011 08:27 - Philippines

Today, our boss asked us out to lunch and told us to choose wherever we wanted to eat. Thinking that she’d be paying for it, we chose a pricey seafood restaurant. When we'd eaten, she told us that we could pay her back later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 622

You deserved it 33 324

By Anonymous - 23/01/2011 07:21 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital to visit my aunt and her newborn baby. The receptionist gave me the room number, and I went and my aunt was in the bathroom so I cuddle the baby, only to find that the woman who came out of the bathroom was a complete stranger. I was holding her baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 545

You deserved it 8 333

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 21:00 - Canada

Today, I was so zoned-out, I shouted a hello to the chair in the staff room. It's the third time today I've mistaken an inanimate object for a person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 244

You deserved it 483

By NOOOOOO - 16/08/2015 23:18 - United States

Today, my only pair of shoes that I brought got stolen at the airport while I was being checked by security. I'm now stuck 1000 miles from home with no shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 084

You deserved it 2 465

By Anonymous - 13/01/2014 20:35 - United States - New Iberia

Today, I puked up an anti-nausea pill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 174

You deserved it 4 879

Whoops

By introublenow - 18/09/2015 12:22 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I woke up to a cat licking my face. I don't have a cat. I quickly put the cat out the front door and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I remembered that I had agreed to take care of my sister's cat for a week. I looked out the door, but the cat is nowhere to be found. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 937

You deserved it 33 235

By Username - 19/06/2011 18:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 779

You deserved it 7 380

By Anonymous - 25/08/2019 19:00 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, going to my psychiatrist's appointment for my PTSD and depression, my mother yelled about how useless I am and how I torture her existence with my "abnormalities." She told the doctor how much I've improved and become such a delight at home for her and our family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 038

You deserved it 105

By well i'm fucked - 03/02/2014 22:47 - United States - Aberdeen

Today, my girlfriend of three weeks basically threatened to kill herself if I don't start thinking about having a child with her soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 073

You deserved it 6 829

By GotGasNotLuck - 05/05/2015 10:50 - Australia - Girraween

Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously driven off without paying came in to shout abuse at me because I had said in the police statement, "He looks about 60." He is apparently 55. He didn't come in to pay, he came in to swear at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 164

You deserved it 2 234

By sadsexer23 - 16/02/2010 03:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 600

You deserved it 6 622

By atsukobo - 23/02/2012 07:59 - United States

Today, my husband and I went to our first counseling sessions, where the main focus was communication. When the therapist called us in together to discuss techniques we could use at home, my husband looked around, rolled his eyes, and responded with, "Uh huh" to every question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 523

You deserved it 3 852

By Dgama - 17/11/2018 16:00 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I went to see my new boyfriend play in a band. I found out that groupies don't like even bass players having girlfriends. I was attacked by one because he smiled at me from the stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 583

You deserved it 152

By WoofWoof - 07/12/2009 18:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He was quiet, I heard barking in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 054

You deserved it 4 986

Insurance is a scam

By Anonymous - 12/01/2021 05:01

Today, you’re required to have health insurance in my country. I have no income, I spend more on insurance than on food, yet most of the treatments that actually help me are not covered by the insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 909

You deserved it 67

By not drunk - 28/10/2014 18:04 - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, I've been one year sober. My health has improved a lot, unlike my social life, which has died a horrible, lonely death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 515

You deserved it 4 684

PRAISE THE LORD!

By cantgetup - 03/04/2011 04:10 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 416

You deserved it 6 394

By frustrated - 29/06/2011 12:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 617

You deserved it 2 735

By makdra - 06/01/2016 18:01

Today, I found out my mom can't wait until I turn 18, so she can kick me out and turn my room into a huge closet for all her clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 186

You deserved it 2 015

You kinda deserved that one

By hlev24 - 03/03/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for some spare change. I told him I didn't have any. I then tripped. Not only spilling the soda I was drinking all over myself, but also spilling the spare change I had from buying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 141

You deserved it 109 947

Do you even lift, bro?

By Anonymous - 11/08/2013 04:24 - United States

Today, while working out in the gym, I spotted a very attractive girl. I decided to pick up the heaviest dumbbell to show off how much I could curl. She ended up driving me to the hospital because I burst into tears after tearing up my bicep and deltoid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 540

You deserved it 66 726

Our internet works fine, dumbass

By jenni - 19/09/2021 08:00

Today, I found out my son has been ditching his Zoom classes. He claims he couldn’t connect because of "technical difficulties." I can’t believe he seriously expected me to believe that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 773

You deserved it 108

By Dude - 21/01/2010 11:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to school after missing the first 2 weeks of the new school year. I got grilled in my first lesson by my teacher for "gallivanting around on holiday in some sunny place" when I should've been at school learning. My dad had died from liver cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 490

You deserved it 2 925

By hellnooo - 15/08/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, I found out that I puke and then pass out at the sight of blood. I am a 16 year old girl expecting hundreds of periods to come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 015

You deserved it 7 594

By sassman - 01/12/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I was in class. I am an older student going back for my PhD. I was kicked out of class for "sassing" my instructor for telling him he was wrong about what took place at an event I was actually present at. My instructor is a 22 year old TA. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 641

You deserved it 4 262

By frustrated - 30/10/2009 04:17 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 516

You deserved it 2 578

By not jacked - 20/04/2016 11:35 - United States - East Hartford

Spicy

Today, my friend spotted for me while I was lifting a barbell. He thought it would be hilarious to tickle my armpits as I lifted it all the way up. I can still taste vomit in my mouth and it hurts to breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 066

You deserved it 1 541

By detour165 - 26/12/2013 05:30 - Australia - Ascot Vale

Today, while staying at my brother's place for the Christmas holidays, I had to leave because he threatened to "take me outside". Apparently he doesn't like being corrected on whether a certain car has a long wheel base version, so I guess the family Christmas is over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 743

You deserved it 3 709

By smoker - 26/01/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work, and in my car I had two drinks settled down in my cup holder. One was my coffee, and the other was an unfinished cup of coffee where I ash and toss my cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 441

You deserved it 30 298

Keep your distance

By Anonymous - 25/02/2021 20:01 - Australia

Today, as I served an elderly man at the fast-food restaurant where I work, he leaned over the counter so that his face was mere inches from mine and asked me if I wanted to buy his car. When I politely told him I wasn't interested, he insisted on making a complaint about me to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 61

By partycats - 23/07/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 039

You deserved it 19 586

By Anonymous - 24/04/2009 09:04 - Australia

Today, as a respected artist I was running a workshop with a bunch of rowdy college kids. I was in the middle of demonstrating a painting technique when I accidentally washed my paintbrush in my coffee instead of my paint water. They waited until I then drank from it to burst out in hysterics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 348

You deserved it 16 311

By clarakipper - 25/09/2013 07:19 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that the vacation my mom has been planning to "repair our relationship" was just an opportunity to change her Facebook profile picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 486

You deserved it 2 713

Last splash

By alexarbusto - 06/05/2020 02:00

Today, my phone fell in my cat's water bowl overnight. I'm currently writing this from my laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 112

You deserved it 354

By Anonymous - 30/05/2015 03:51 - Australia

Today, my crackhead neighbour got slightly annoyed at my 2-day-old daughter's late-night wailing. Well, I think so, anyway, as she politely requested us to "SHUT THAT CUNT KID UP." or she would "BLOW BOTH OUR HOUSES UP, YOU FUCKING ASSFUCKS." But I'm not 100% sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 197

You deserved it 3 052

Too soon

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 19:22 - Chile

Today, I finally quit my job after talking with a friend about making our own design/multimedia company. While I was on my way to his house, he called me and told me not to quit because he got an awesome job offer and couldn't refuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 156

You deserved it 7 900

By Snow - 26/12/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, my mother informed me that I am not allowed to drive in snow. I live in Minnesota. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 260

You deserved it 2 940

By let it go! - 01/12/2018 13:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my ex from high school is married and has kids but still found time to make yet another fake profile to berate me for cheating on him when we were 17. I've already blocked him, moved states, and changed my number twice. We're in our 30s. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 3 402

You deserved it 1 475

By full of losses - 29/07/2018 13:00 - United States

Today, the day after my grandfather's funeral, my grandmother informed me I have 30 days to move out. I've been living with them for four years, helping take care of my sick grandfather. She's already changed the locks and won't unlock the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 441

You deserved it 412

Dad, stop driving my car

By Anonymous - 28/02/2021 00:01 - Puerto Rico - Aguas Buenas

Today, my dad was looking for something in the garage and accidentally knocked over a heavy box, which crushed the new side view mirror I'd bought for my car, because the one my car originally had, he smashed it against a pole while driving my car recently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 67

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Monday 27 July 2009 13:26

Maybe they were just rearranging the furniture? *thud thud thud* "You like it like this?" "Ooh, yeah, right there, that's good"

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Monday 27 July 2009 12:24

THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME! I feel your pain.

Comments

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Monday 27 July 2009 12:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 27 July 2009 12:28

damn straight, the OP isn't the one fucking, it's his parents! So FTL (Fuck their lives) =D

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Monday 27 July 2009 18:59

yeah these kinds of FMLs are getting pretty boring... funny the first time, not the hundredth

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Monday 27 July 2009 23:40

yea but he had to HEAR them fucking. thats bad enough for an FML.

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Tuesday 28 July 2009 1:42

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Tuesday 28 July 2009 7:08

wtf is wrong with people... who would want a mental picture of their parents fuckin.. seriously.. ok yeah they do it.. but fucked if i want to have that mental image.. and seeing ur mother in a skippy dress is just weird.. and if it was my mum, its just wrong... FYI, if u enjoy listening to ur parents goin at it, go join them... this is a FML...

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 7:29

Actually, SHE had to hear. Don't know if this makes a difference, but her mom is pretty weird

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Saturday 22 August 2009 22:43

it's obviously not having sex for the first time since you're there... lol jk i know what you mean

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Thursday 11 February 2010 10:26

should have asked if you could have joined in............... I would me 8================D your dad :- lol

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Tuesday 7 September 2010 1:46

would u rather have them fighting??

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Monday 11 July 2011 13:14

well it could be an FML cuz OP's parents don't know what's wrong so they might do it a lot now. making her whole life in that household awkward.

clumsylittleme 11

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Tuesday 19 July 2011 19:41

people know there parents have sex. it's the fact that she heard it. for the first time is worst. and she saw her mom in a skimpy dress. right there most people would be grosses out.

emilysanftwsom 0

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Monday 27 July 2009 12:13

I don't get it.

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Monday 27 July 2009 17:06

Me either.. Its obviously not their first time.

BrandNewKadillak 0

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Monday 27 July 2009 18:15

It's the first time she HEARD them doing it. Jeez.

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Monday 27 July 2009 20:53

I think you missed the part where it was a joke. Jeeeeeeeeeez!

Clever_Nick_Here 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 3:41

NO U

MissCuteStack 12

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 19:19

okay retard ... try reading the thing over again !!

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Monday 27 July 2009 12:15

Not an FML...You're parents still have sex, so that means they still have a healthy, happy relationship. Would you rather them divorce? Moron... I don't know why so many FMLs are about parents having sex...I know you don't want to hear them, but you're parents do still have sex..

abcdefghijk12345_fml_fml 0

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Monday 27 July 2009 12:27

WE are the parents?

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Monday 27 July 2009 12:32

Having sex doesn't mean you have a healthy, happy relationship. I think the only times I heard my parents doin' it was after they split.

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Monday 27 July 2009 16:53

If there are that many FMLs about it, then it obviously bugs people. I hate how many people respond to this "OMG IT'S NOT AN FML", yes. It is. It's disturbing and gross. You wouldn't want your parents to hear YOU having sex so YOU don't want to hear your parents having sex. It's only logical. Stop being a prat.

uscscreenwriter 0

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Monday 27 July 2009 18:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Thursday 22 September 2016 19:23

7 -- it's strange and kinda fucked up, and you're totally right. I guess it does some shit to your brain after you have an argument, because I have had some of the most earth-shattering sex and utterly blissful orgasms right after a disagreement.

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Monday 27 July 2009 12:24

THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME! I feel your pain.

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Sunday 14 March 2010 5:35

good thing she didnt catch him masturbating

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Saturday 26 August 2017 2:24

I was at my friend's house one day, we woke up to that happening lol

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Monday 27 July 2009 12:32

Unlucky, but not an FML

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Monday 27 July 2009 12:33

Why so much hue and cry about parents having sex. Yeah it does sound awkward but please they are humans and they are couples. They too need some loving! Let them have it. But yeah this one is a bit of FML. Esp the way OP's mum came and asked if something was wrong.

rttr 18

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Monday 24 October 2011 4:46

My parents are from Mysore!

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Tuesday 2 June 2015 19:58

What, do you enjoy listening to your parents' sex or something..?

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Monday 27 July 2009 12:37

Scarred for life...

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Monday 27 July 2009 12:43

dayum...so glad i dont have parents like that C:

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Monday 27 July 2009 12:59

the parents should use some kind of noise in the bedroom to drown them out if they get that loud, I mean they can't be that oblivous to the noise they make

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Monday 27 July 2009 13:05

The first time I read this, it sounded like she heard her parents the first time they had sex. That would mean she heard it as a sperm. That made me laugh. MLIA :)

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 526

You deserved it 104

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 92