Intimacy: Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone... - FML

By ehbe - France

Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone was trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I went onto my balcony and asked if everything was okay, and if she needed anything. She and her boyfriend shout back in unison: "We're F*ing, go away". FML

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Season finale

Knock off

Your cooking, dude

By thewrittenrebel - South Africa - Bellville

Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML

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By Weathersucks - France

Today, I was on my way to meet the girl I like at the beach. I parked my truck and walked to the restaurant where I was supposed to meet her. She wasn't there so I called her and she told me she cancelled because it started raining. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. FML

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By Flora - United States - Watsonville

Today, I got ancestry DNA tests for my parents and myself. The DNA testing company informed me that I'm a 50% match for my mother but I share no DNA with my father. Apparently, both my parents forgot that they used a sperm donor. This insignificant detail has slipped their minds for 35 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2021 01:59

Deception

Today, I found out my husband was faking his leg injury. I caught him out and about walking just fine, hand in hand with another woman. I’ve been caring for him, holding down the bills and taking him to a "at home" chiropractor for the past 7 months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Gate

Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2021 23:01

One each

Today, my girlfriend was in the back seat of a car with one of my friends when she got sick and puked all over one of his dress shoes. My friend then asked me to replace his shoes, since she is technically unemployed and couldn't pay him back. We eventually agreed that I would pay for one shoe. FML

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By thanksforallyoursupportmomanddad - United States - Arlington

Today, I overheard my parents talking about my husband. Apparently, they think he's a nice guy and all, but they don't really see him as "husband material." They think I would have been better off with my ex, who doesn't have a job and hurt me both physically and mentally. FML

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By Nofatforme - Canada

Today, I saw a girl I haven't seen in 4 years. She used to like me back then. Since then I have lost 50 pounds, and never had the confidence to ask her out. She said I looked really sexy so I decided to ask her out on a date then and there. She said no, she only likes fat guys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up from my honeymoon to discover the love of my life is a bed wetter. FML

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By friendless1004 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I gave a group presentation. Because I didn't know the last names of my group members, I'd put fake ones in, intending to replace them later. I forgot to change them and I ended up giving a presentation alongside a very angry Greg Penishead and Josh Acne. FML

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By Reno - United States - Reno

Today, while trying to find my phone in the depths of the sheets on my bed, I gave my comforter a huge shake. A second later, I heard a crash. My phone had miraculously flown straight into the glass of water on my nightstand. Found it. FML

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By mandm - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I had to explain to my son why it is not okay to slap old women's butts. He's 16. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I have a nervous tendency to rub my foot against the bar under the table. After the interview I noticed I had been rubbing my foot against the interviewer's leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my coworker cornered me in the office bathroom and insisted that, because she's been watching me, I use the bathroom too quickly and must not be washing my hands, and that I have to wash them from now on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go to the dentist to have a cavity filled. Around halfway through the procedure, something broke the silence in the room. It was my dentist, who had farted. I had to smell his rancid flatulence for around the next five minutes. All the while, I had to keep my mouth wide open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

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By jam - Australia

Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML

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By bun593 - United States

Today, I gave a technical presentation to a group of male colleagues. I was surprised by how attentive they were until I went to the washroom and realized that they could see every detail of my nipples through my new shirt. FML

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By thanks for the $5 gift voucher - United States - Randleman

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

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By ilovecharliesheen - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed pecan. I thought it must have been burnt by the way it tasted, so ate a few more before I figured out my mistake and spat them out. FML

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By virginmary - Reserved

Today, I was making out like a sixteen year old at the high school prom with this guy I kinda liked. All of a sudden, he rolls away and tells me he's "finished." We both had our clothes on the entire time. He is 23, I'm 25. I didn't know that was possible. FML

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By IkeTheIntern - Canada

Today, my boss told me to stop giving work to our college intern because it's an embarrassment to have someone who hasn't finished college working for him. This is the same boss who constantly brags about being a high school drop out. FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

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By addie19 - United States

Today, I found out the antibiotics I'm taking can cause you to vomit unexpectedly. In the car. While driving. To work. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my grandfather was counting all the grandchildren he had and saying how fortunate he was to have all of us. When I pointed out that he'd forgotten to count me, he turned and said "You're adopted, you don't count as a real grandchild" FML

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By dollarstorepwnr - Canada

Today, my dad cussed out an individual on the phone because he thought it was a telemarketer. He was my Indian girlfriend's father. FML

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By meg the mighty

Today, it's been 3 days since my husband decided he really wanted to try the surstromming challenge. I can still smell that shit all through my house even with all the doors and windows open after the stupid bastard took one smell, vomited, and dropped the can on the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends and I noticed that people, no matter what stereotype, pretty much all have the same type of friends: the mean one, the funny one, etc... and started naming off the people in our group who fit into those personallities. We got to the token fat one, everyone looked at me and stopped talking. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had organised to go for an all day fishing trip, but had forgotten to book a day off. I called my boss and told him that I had to stay with my mum in hospital after a car crash that she had last night. He called me a liar and fired me. Turns out my mum is having an affair with my boss. FML

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By Garry - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that my staff doesn't take me seriously. I walked in on my chef, who had just spent an hour and half a block of cheese carving cheddar goggles for himself. When I confronted him, he pulled up his t-shirt to reveal a cocktail sausage taped to his stomach. FML

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By x0SoReckless0x - United States

Today, some obnoxious guys started calling me ugly. I tried to ignore them and be the bigger person. That's pretty hard to do when they start throwing rocks at you. FML

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By can’t nerd right - 4/8/2020 02:02

Insane parents

Today, I was wondering why the new book series I'd ordered hadn’t arrived. I ordered new books because my mom constantly bitched at me about being on the internet too often. She took my laptop away to "teach me a lesson". Only I need my laptop to get the confirmation number to track my books. FML

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By Megan - Canada

Today, my mum came home from a business trip. My four-year-old brother, who I'd been watching, told her I was "sexing" my boyfriend a lot after I put him to bed. After lots of arguing, she banned me from seeing him and took my car away. Only much later did I realize my brother meant "texting". FML

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By sad life - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend is so seldom romantic that it actually makes me uncomfortable when he says something cute. FML

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By liz - United States

Today, I was walking in Walmart and this cute guy walked by me and winked. I thought he wanted to talk so I followed him around the store trying to catch up. Turns out it wasn't a wink, he had something in his eye. And he told the security person that a weird girl was stalking him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after a 2 month relationship, I realized two things: A) Dating a known psycho because "crazy chicks are great in bed" is a dumb idea, and B) What crazy chicks are actually great at is beating the crap out of you and driving you to alcoholism. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carbondale

Today, I ran into my favorite teacher from high school, the one that really inspired me to become one myself. I told her that I'm in my last year of college preparing to become a teacher, to which she replied, "Wow, they really are letting anyone have a crack at being a teacher these days." FML

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By lonethong15 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes to do things the old-fashioned way, and that he wouldn't propose to me without my father's blessing. My dad died 3 years ago, and he knows it. FML

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By ForeverAlone

Today, I asked my crush if she wanted to see a movie with me. She said no because she already saw it. The movie is coming out next week. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, during a silent breathing meditation at the Buddhist center, I accidentally let one rip which echoed through the meditation chamber. If that wasn't bad enough, the follow-up odor was enough to fell a charging rhinoceros. FML

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Top comments

By Yunie_fml | 0

#18424 - Friday 6 March 2009 20:44

"You're fucking? Fucking annoying more like. You sound like an American Idol reject being forced to have their vocal cords cut."

By PhysOptGuy | 0

#49576 - Sunday 22 March 2009 7:34

At that point, you shouldve broken into her house and taken a few nice things.

"No, I didn't see who broke into your home twenty minutes ago! I had 'gone away' just as you so politely suggested!"

COMMENTS

By MCart_fml | 0

#1710 - Friday 13 February 2009 1:13

Take it easy on the OP, when the sex is that good it's really hard to tell the difference!

By Yunie_fml | 0

#18424 - Friday 6 March 2009 20:44

"You're fucking? Fucking annoying more like. You sound like an American Idol reject being forced to have their vocal cords cut."

Reply

katiebove | 0

#1867951 - Monday 20 December 2010 4:03

WIN.

By neocow | 8

#34719 - Monday 16 March 2009 16:07

That teaches you to be concerned about the safety of others. Shame on you.

Reply

ninjagirl92 | 3

#3416591 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 5:49

haha Agreed!

By PhysOptGuy | 0

#49576 - Sunday 22 March 2009 7:34

At that point, you shouldve broken into her house and taken a few nice things.

"No, I didn't see who broke into your home twenty minutes ago! I had 'gone away' just as you so politely suggested!"

By diet_cocaine | 0

#50911 - Sunday 22 March 2009 22:42

this is funny as ballz

By MadMel67 | 0

#56860 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 3:24

This has to be one if my all time favorite

By elloelle | 0

#59510 - Thursday 26 March 2009 8:24

haha #'s 5 and 6
yeah- your life isn't fucked and you don't deserve anything, it's just funny.
i kind of wish i had interesting neighbors like this, instead of the baby boomers all down my street.
laaaaaame.

By JOLiiE_fml | 0

#160498 - Friday 1 May 2009 22:17

LMAO at #5 hahaha :P

Reply

jane_marie | 12

#5447924 - Sunday 14 April 2013 7:29

Do not comment if you have nothing better to say. -.-

By xxKittyxx | 0

#215357 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 23:12

isnt there one on here about that ebut it the oppisite

By purple_sarah | 0

#232528 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 11:17

That's a bit embarrassing but they didn't need to be rude about it, all you did was politely ask from your own property if everything was ok after hearing screaming, you didn't do anything wrong.