Today, I have a bad cold, so I've been carrying tissues around... - FML

By luckygirl

Today, I have a bad cold, so I've been carrying tissues around with me. I noticed our puppy had pooped on the floor, so I grabbed a napkin and cleaned it up, then threw it away. I then blew my nose with my tissue. Apparently, I threw away my tissue and used the napkin. FML

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Proactive

Family values

Music nerds of the world unite!

By Username

Today, I learned that chivalry truly is dead when a seemingly fit man pushed me into a door to get a seat on the train before me. My leg is in a cast. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a smurf. FML

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By jlmbull - United States - Lansing

Today, I had to wait thirty minutes after closing to check out a lady who was purchasing 20 different styles of curtains. I asked what she would be doing with them all, and she replied that she would be bringing 19 of them back tomorrow, as she didn't know which would match. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML

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By JK2010 - Israel

Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunk parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I sat my son down for a talk about how he's been too lazy to brush his teeth lately. I said "Son, we need to have a chat about oral hygiene." He rolled his eyes, sighed, and said he already knew to clean "it" before a girl went down on him, and asked if he could go already. FML

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By megatron - United States - Naperville

Today, my roommate decided to go on a group trip instead of paying our water bill. Now I can't shower until next week. FML

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By All the ills - United States - Geneva

Today, I was miserable with a cold. So I ordered soup and noodles from a new Chinese restaurant. Now I am miserable with a cold and food poisoning. FML

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By dunno why we bother - United States - Tampa

Today, while on patrol with my partner, we came across a guy getting a beat-down on the sidewalk. After restraining the attacker, we helped the victim to his feet, only for him to spit at us and call us "goddamn pigs". You're welcome, sir. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

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By Marcella - United States

Today, my fiance told me he thought it was time that we started to see other people. I'm six months pregnant with his baby. FML

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By sorrynotsorry - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer told my boss I was too pushy because I asked her what bra size she wears. I work at a lingerie store. I got a stern lecture from my boss. FML

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By sadmommy - United States - Keller

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

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By mmckie

Today, I went into a restaurant with my family. I slipped off my chair, pulling the tablecloth with all the food and drinks on it with me onto the floor. FML

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By Sun_Kissed18 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, at my job at a frozen yogurt shop, an elderly woman gladly announced that I'd be seeing a lot of her due to the vaginal infection that she has. Thank you for that, ma'am. FML

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By impure - United States

Today, I found out I have an STD, courtesy of my girlfriend. Funnily enough, she was clean when we first started dating. FML

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By Mustanggt - 1/11/2020 14:01 - United States - Rochester

The diet plan from hell

Today, I learned that the vomiting and uncontrollable flatulence I've been suffering from is normal with my new diet. FML

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By lol112 - United States - Monroe Township

Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML

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By BadassNinja - United States

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

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By heatherfeather22 - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I got into trouble at work because a customer complained about my face tattoo, I don't have a face tattoo but I do have one behind my ear. Nonetheless, I still got written up and had to cover it with a band-aid, which ripped out hair when I took it off. FML

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By SqueakingRetard - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. I clambered back to my feet, made it three feet, then slipped and fell again. A guy who'd witnessed the whole thing stuck his head out of his car window and yelled "Dumbasssssss!" FML

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By housematefromhell

Today, my housemate revealed her supposed loss of function of her arm was all a lie. I spent hours in the ER with her and had to go to work the next day. Last time she lied about cancer. I'm stuck sharing with her for another 7 months. FML

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By Awkward - United States - Redmond

Today, my neighbor put up an electric fence to keep my five-year-old son out. FML

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By cheat - United States

Today, I cheated at card games to let my boyfriend win. I did it because I don't like him to throw the cards at me when I win. Now he just thinks I'm 'so slow a turtle could kick my ass' and that he has 'a cute little bubbly spud-brained girlfriend.' FML

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By Allie - United States

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to see a movie. After getting my seat, I went out to get food. Coming back, I saw the security guard. Thinking he would ask me for my ticket, I moved all the food to one hand to get the ticket in my pocket. I spilled it all. He didn't ask to see it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, my sister put a piece of leather in my homemade beef jerkey to prove a point. I ate it. FML

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By mooselord - United States

Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the Christmas trees it was carrying fell off straight into my bumper. The car behind me pulled over, but instead of seeing if I was okay, he just went to see whether or not either of the trees was in good enough shape to take home. FML

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By Emily - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me by writing on my bathroom mirror in Sharpie. What did he write? "Hi, I'm Emily. I'm fat, ugly, and now single." FML

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By Stevski - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, after moving in with a couple of vegan zoologists a few weeks ago, I discover that they don't believe that we have the right to kill cockroaches, and will not allow me to do so. The house is infested, and it's spread to my bedroom. FML

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By je_regrette_tout - France - Livry-gargan

Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was at a party, when the cops busted us. Since I'm underage, I hid behind a chair for an hour and a half while they breathalyzed everyone and sat them in the same room I was in. The cops left, everyone realized I was behind the chair, and now my nickname is "Anne Frank". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 05:00

Am I even here?

Today, I got written up at work for not cleaning up the breakfast area, and because multiple guests complained how sloppy and messy it looked. I'm on lockdown in a completely different country. FML

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By Ellowise - Belgium

Today, I used the tanning booth for the first time. Not only was I so white that I received first-degree burns all over my body, but I also forgot to remove my knee-high socks. FML

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By AreYouSerious

Today, after working 85 hours in a single week, I finally got my paycheck. $500. Apparently I got a pay cut without anyone telling me. FML

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By Alisha Marie - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML

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By exchange - Ireland

Today, I leave Ireland after a 5 month study abroad. Today also happens to be the day that the price of alcohol decreases by 30%, the dollar increases by 15% and the girl I have been chasing the whole time, to no avail, finally decides to show an interest in me. FML

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By grrrr - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Feeling bad, I texted him a few hours later apologizing. He said it was fine and that he went ahead and picked up a girl from the mall. FML

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By ilovemom - Costa Rica

Today, after reading a very emotional article about always letting your loved ones know how much you love them in case it's your last time seeing them, I went to my mom and told her how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything. Her reply? "Shut up kid, Vince Vaughn is on Ellen". FML

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By MILF - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML

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Top comments

By Jackey | 29

#7809784 - Thursday 6 June 2019 17:30

I was always taught you rubbed the dog's nose in their poop if you were looking to train them to not go in an area...

I don't know what lesson he's going to get from you rubbing your nose in it instead.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7809768 - Thursday 6 June 2019 16:29

Sounds like a shitty situ...

...you can finish it — I’m tired.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7809768 - Thursday 6 June 2019 16:29

Sounds like a shitty situ...

...you can finish it — I’m tired.

By Jackey | 29

#7809784 - Thursday 6 June 2019 17:30

I was always taught you rubbed the dog's nose in their poop if you were looking to train them to not go in an area...

I don't know what lesson he's going to get from you rubbing your nose in it instead.

Reply

Giovanni Adamo | 16

#7809885 - Friday 7 June 2019 1:05

i d give u reddit gold if we were on reddit