Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital. He and his friends... - FML

By Anonymous - 13/6/2012 20:38 - Netherlands

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital. He and his friends got the bright idea of recording a re-enactment of a scene from Fight Club for a YouTube video. It ended as soon as my husband caught a fist to the gut and started violently puking all over our basement floor. FML

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Mixed signals

Noise

Basic Instinct

By Anonymous - 4/6/2015 12:26 - United States - San Bruno

Today, I told my boyfriend I was horny and was waiting for him at my place. 30 minutes later, he still hadn't arrived, so I called him and asked if he was coming. He replied "Already did, right into a kleenex." and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure and the woman sitting next to me asked the lady if she could take the skin she had scraped off my feet home to her birds because they love skin. She then describes for 20 minutes how her birds love to sit on her when her sunburn is peeling and eat her skin. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2014 21:37 - Sweden - Ume

Today, I tried to pull the old "bucket of water above the door" prank on my brother, but the bucket didn't fall when he opened the door. He noticed it, took it down, then pinned me to the floor and waterboarded me with the ice-cold water. FML

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By Eyebrowsgone - 25/8/2010 13:10 - United States

Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML

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By Z88 - 21/4/2010 20:29 - South Africa

Today, a customer came into the music shop I work in to look at guitars. After calling the customer "Dude," and "Man," numerous times, they stalked off suddenly. When I asked if everything was okay, they responded with, "I'm female, you asshole!" FML

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By Homeless? - 7/11/2016 11:07 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I have been vomiting for 4 days. Tomorrow, my landlord is insisting on inspecting my flat. I now either have to clean my house whilst trying not to throw up all around it, or fail my inspection. FML

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By Mary - 21/10/2019 22:00 - United States

He's trying to kill you!

Today, while at a party, my boyfriend threw a temper tantrum. He screamed at me and then gave me the silent treatment. All because I said, "No thank you" to the crab dip he got for me. I'm allergic to shellfish, we've been dating for two years and it's come up before. FML

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By ohiochibi - 3/12/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, I posted a note on Facebook about a weird dream I had about my ex-boyfriend, where I made out with him, then it transitioned into a vampires vs. werewolves battle. My ex private messages me and says there's a better chance of a vampires vs. werewolves battle than us ever making out again. FML

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By Max - 4/3/2017 22:00

Today, I sent a thank you note after a job interview, emphasizing my accuracy at editing written reports; I misspelled the company's name. FML

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By KBL3 - 11/8/2010 09:16 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started talking to my breasts in public. As if that wasn't bad enough, he then started to jiggle them in his hands. FML

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By singleasapringle - 13/3/2016 06:41 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went back to my high school for an event with some of my friends, both of which are in relationships. Whilst there we saw our favorite teacher, who hugged us and said, "I heard you have a boyfriend! And so do you!" And then she turned to me and said, "And... And you're doing great things!" FML

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By fireman - 6/10/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, I went over to this girl's house that I really like. I was planning on cooking her dinner. In the process, the grease in the pan got too hot and caught fire. We ended up having to call the fire department. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I got hypnotized in front of my entire school. Once I was hypnotized the guy told me that the hottest celebrity in the world was in the audience and then he told me to point out who I saw. I said I saw Mick Jagger. I'm a guy. FML

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By Abyssal - 4/4/2011 18:29 - United States

Today, I was making love to my wife from behind. As we both reached climax at the same time, she threw her head back in ecstasy just as I buckled forward with pleasure. We slammed our heads together, effectively ending our orgasms. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I was supposed to be going on my first date with a guy I really liked. He never showed up. I just found out my dad was outside washing the car when my date showed up. He told him he didn't have a daughter and to never show up on his driveway again. FML

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By jsw029 - 26/2/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

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By huh? - 18/9/2019 13:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Creepy Dick Pic

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a photo of him getting head from a gorgeous woman. He captioned it “Jealous?” with smiley emojis. I’m not sure what’s creepier, the fact that he sent it, that he even has my new number or that we broke up more than 8 years ago. FML

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By Pudgymom - 21/10/2016 02:08

Today, I ran into an old friend at the store with my infant daughter. As we caught up, she assured me that I could get rid of all my baby weight from the pregnancy. If only I had actually been pregnant. My wife carried her and looks fantastic. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2010 19:41 - United States

Today, I was dissecting a pig for my anatomy class. The smell of four day-old dead pig caused me to faint. My mom drove me home and warmed me up some left overs for lunch. It was pork chops. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 02:24 - United States

Today, I was working as a paramedic when my patient's colostomy bag exploded all over me. I was covered in fecal matter, with 5 hours left on my shift. FML

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By Too manly - 20/3/2013 04:54 - United States - Stockton

Today, as I was walking with my boyfriend, holding hands, a woman began screaming at us about how we "f*ggots" are "ruining America." I'm a girl. FML

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By SkipBeatOtaku - 16/5/2020 20:00

A load of hot air

Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

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By :-O - 14/4/2019 12:00

Today, I came home from work early only to find my naked roommate in the living room with his ass in the air. Apparently, he was doing an experiment to see if you can launch a ball of tissue paper into the air by placing it on your bare anus and farting. FML

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By Ringless - 25/2/2010 21:47 - United States

Today, my fiancée and I were selecting our wedding cake. The wedding is now off since I refused to buy her the "dream" wedding cake she wanted because it was chocolate. She called me childish and cheap. I'm highly allergic to chocolate. FML

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By lvegadelgado_6 - 10/8/2015 14:32 - United States - Deerfield

Today, while I was doing my hair, my grandpa walked in, dropped his pants, and started taking a crap in the toilet right next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2011 13:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered my mother went into the local pub where I work part time, got very drunk, and flashed her boobs at everyone. I found out when a picture was posted on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2012 23:15 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, a dog attacked me. Its owner, instead of apologizing and helping me, said it was my own fault for making it think I was an attacker by running past them. We were on a jogging track. FML

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By Arachnaphobic - 22/11/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, when putting something away on a high shelf, something small and black fell down my cleavage. I thought nothing of it and finished the task at hand. When I pulled out the neck of my shirt later to find it and looked down, glaring up at me from my boobs was a large, disgruntled spider. FML

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By thenewgirl - 6/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my boyfriend and I were wondering whose extra spare key was on the counter when we came home. Turns out it's his ex's and she returned it, while neither of us were home. We're still taking inventory to see what's missing. FML

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By Chensticles - 14/10/2009 01:25 - France

Today, I went to my hairdresser who promised me a haircut which "all the girls would want you" for. She gave me a combover. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2015 21:29 - United States - Augusta

Today, I went to a job interview. It was my last shot of getting a job before my savings run dry. It all went well until I was asked why I wanted to join the company. I got flustered and stuttered, "Because I um, I like money?" The guy gave me the most insincere "We'll be in touch." ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2012 13:31 - United States - Newberry

Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML

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By epictothemax - 10/3/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue piercing and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin says "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years old. FML

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By JayFri - 6/6/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex in his car. He got out of the car and moved to the passenger seat with me. As he shut the door, it slammed against my fingers, breaking one of them. He then asked if we could still have sex. FML

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By Anonyname - 18/5/2014 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned brood mare." FML

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By [email protected] - 3/1/2009 08:38 - France

Today, I was eating at a nice restaurant. Feeling curious, I daringly asked for the surprise "Maiden's Dream" dessert. The waiter came back with a banana between two balls of ice-cream on a plate, and no spoon. FML

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By mortified - 22/1/2011 16:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my dentist pulled a pubic hair out of my braces. FML

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By mikeissad - 11/8/2012 19:37 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, at work, I was forced to nod and smile as a pregnant, fifteen-year-old, brain-dead Jersey Shore wannabe cussed me out for being rude by using words from a "foreign language" during our conversation. I used the word "pretentious." FML

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By Invisible - 19/2/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I was marked absent from my math class because nobody in my class noticed I was there. FML

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By halloweensucks - 1/11/2010 01:08 - United States

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML

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Top comments

By ohhhsnapple | 14

#4564399 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:30

If you know about it, then it's not a real fight club.

By babiebuntin | 7

#4564417 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:31

What is the name of this video...? :P

COMMENTS

By amiritelol | 3

#4564392 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:29

This is funny, amirite.net ?

By ohhhsnapple | 14

#4564399 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:30

If you know about it, then it's not a real fight club.

Reply

IphonFML | 6

#4564746 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:56

youtube link or it didn't happen. Lol

Reply

Airman1988 | 9

#4565192 - Thursday 14 June 2012 7:00

This guy is either a wimp or needs to do some abs excercises. Throwing up from a punch is a sign of a weak core, a strong core can take a hit.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4565420 - Thursday 14 June 2012 8:02

Mhmmmm, mhmmm, oh good point 29! Bravo! Bravo! Well done 29. You can have a whole damn Chips-Ahoy! bag.

Reply

fylx100 | 19

#4565572 - Thursday 14 June 2012 9:33

Well, is it uploaded??? Tell me where to find it!

Reply

TheEpicMilkMan | 13

#4565618 - Thursday 14 June 2012 10:24

first rule about fight club....don't speak about fight club.

Reply

wallandpiece | 16

#4566252 - Thursday 14 June 2012 16:29

So why are you speaking about it then?

Reply

TheEpicMilkMan | 13

#4566464 - Thursday 14 June 2012 18:02

oh shit I'm going to die D:

By babiebuntin | 7

#4564417 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:31

What is the name of this video...? :P

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4565247 - Thursday 14 June 2012 7:16

"Hey, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!"

By xPhoBiuHzZz | 1

#4564439 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:34

I've done something similar, except it was to submit to tosh.0. It didn't work out.

Reply

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#4565452 - Thursday 14 June 2012 8:11

So you got your friend to falcon punch you in the gut in order to puke?

By perdix | 29

#4564470 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:36

Plus, he broke the first rule of Fight Club: Never talk about Fight Club. I wonder what kind of injuries he'll sustain now.

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4565628 - Thursday 14 June 2012 10:28

You just talked about Fight Club =0. You're going down.

Reply

nava1210 | 12

#4566561 - Thursday 14 June 2012 18:42

47 - so did you..
..You're both going down..

By ArielTheMermaid | 17

#4564471 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:36

So is it on YouTube yet?

By emeraldisle | 30

#4564473 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:37

Your husband is a genius.

By patrickalamo | 47

#4564477 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:38

DON'T talk about Fight Club!!!!

Reply

Collisionn | 11

#4565131 - Thursday 14 June 2012 6:51

You just broke rules 1 and 2!

By sillyjonjon | 4

#4564485 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:39

Did they get the video?

By Tezoma | 28

#4564512 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:41

What happens in Fight Club... Winds up in the hospital. Very smooth move.