Health: Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital. He and his friends... - FML

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital. He and his friends got the bright idea of recording a re-enactment of a scene from Fight Club for a YouTube video. It ended as soon as my husband caught a fist to the gut and started violently puking all over our basement floor. FML

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Poisoned chalice

Surprise strike

Drained

By MozillaHostile - Canada

Today, I saw my cat attacking a suitcase under my bed for apparently no reason. I laughed and picked it up to show him that there was nothing there, only to find a huge wasp hiding under it. FML.

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By anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend rather stupidly assumed that because my vagina is no longer in use after giving birth, we would automatically start having anal sex. After I loudly explained how that wasn't happening, he then had the nerve to ask for a blowjob before we'd even left the hospital. FML

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By manhandled - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder to take me to his room. He wasn't careful enough, and dropped me right on my head, on the hardwood floor. I ended up vomiting and came down with a headache. He still wanted to have sex. FML

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By Anonymous

Where is everyone?

Today, I tried to have a game night at my house. Suggesting a popular card game that everyone plays, snacks, and BYOB. No one showed or even said they weren't coming. FML

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By doodler - United States - Hurst

Subconscious

Today, I was doodling randomly during a meeting at work, and I noticed my drawing was beginning to look a bit like a penis. A coworker was eyeing it so I tried to make it something else by adding... oh good, now it's a penis and balls. FML

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By Butter_Cup - United States

Today, my mom sold the car I've been working on for the last few years for 100 dollars. To buy gas for her car. FML

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By Tallow101 - United States

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

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By angryman

Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML

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By Nicholasand - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up in a closet of a four star hotel, having spent the night drinking. I am a secondary school teacher and I have been visiting this place on a school trip. My flight left at 4am this morning and it's now 1pm in the afternoon. FML

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By BeastieHouse

Today, I dropped a brand new jar of molasses into the corner of my completely white kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I admitted to my mother that I've had sex with my boyfriend. She seemed to handle it well, but when my boyfriend came over, she condemned him to hell in between asking him what he would like to have for dinner. FML

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By maggieyokoi

Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Today, I had to take my boyfriend to the emergency room to get stitches from cutting his arm during sex. I sat there while he explained to the doctor how it was the best orgasm ever. FML

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By violated ._. - United States

Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after a very heartfelt conversation with my mother, I promised her that I'd quit smoking. I walked in on her smoking my cigarettes an hour later. Her excuse was that she didn't want my money to have gone to waste. FML

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By nerdsgetmehot - United States

Today, at 21 years old, I am still so flat chested that I can't even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds. FML

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By frustrated - United Kingdom

Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML

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By AngelAshley - United Kingdom

Today, I was swimming in the fast lane at the pool. A guy in blue trunks was swimming slowly and really getting on everyone's nerves. I took a break, and looking around I couldn't see him. I turned to the guy next to me and said, "Finally, Mr. Blue Trunks has f**ked off." It was Mr. Blue Trunks. FML

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By anon - United States - Pleasantville

Today, one of my coworkers asked if I hated my life and was depressed because of how I look most of the time. This is just my facial expression. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw myself in a 'girls gone wild' ad with another girl. So did my mom. FML

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By atang - United States

Today, I was leaving a clothing store when the security guard stopped me and demanded that I surrender the clothing I was "trying to steal" by hiding it under my shirt. It turns out, he was just looking at my pot belly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to impress my girlfriend with a cool fire breathing trick I learned online, and ended up burning half her room. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was feeling frisky and asked my boyfriend if he wanted a blowjob. He said "Fuck no", then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

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By JK2010 - Israel

Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunk parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I chatted to a nice guy and gave him my number. I told him I was going to sleep because I had a headache, and then put my phone on silent. He rang multiple times, and when I obviously didn't pick up, he sent several texts insulting me and calling me gutless for not responding. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 08:08

Public speaking is terrifying

Today, in an attempt to face my phobia of public speaking, I accepted an offer to read to a group of elementary school students. It went well, until I reached a rather funny part in the book and completely lost my composure with uncontrollable laughter. I don't think I'll be asked to come back. FML

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By wtfman101 - United States

Today, I woke up to find the entire driver's side of my car wrecked. Front door, back door, front and rear bumper smashed to shit. A drunk driver had hit it the previous night and ran. Don't worry though, he stopped and left his insurance information. He keyed it into the undamaged side of my car. FML

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By Fish

Today, following the advice of not putting my wallet in my back pocket, I put my wallet in my jacket's chest pocket. I lost my jacket. FML

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By no luck - United States

Today, I found out less than 3 weeks before my wedding my fiancé will lose his new, great paying job unless we cancel our nonrefundable honeymoon. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent two hours making a cake that I'd promised my class for weeks. I boarded the train to school, but soon dozed off. A few minutes later, I awoke with a start and noticed a chunk of the cake missing and a homeless man next to me with frosting around his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous

Happy Feet

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

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By Richocet - Canada

Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I see my dad on a bike so I shout after him. He turns his head around and then runs into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oregon

Today, at football practice, the biggest lineman shouldered me so hard in the groin that my protective cup pushed back with enough force to crack the bone. FML

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By wtf

Today, I came back to my boyfriend's house where I've been staying to find all my things thrown outside, ruined, including my entire CD collection, textbooks and clothes cut up. All because I had left my cell phone there and had got a text from a guy saying "Hi, how have you been?" FML

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By bloody hell - Philippines - Para?aque

Today, my sister and I had a fight. In her rage, she threw piles of dirty laundry at me. One of her bloody panties hit me on the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

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By sexlube - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2020 05:00

What?

Today, I found out that my hearing is average for a 60-year-old. I'm 30. FML

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By Mariah Heimann - United States

Today, after getting rear ended by a car, I texted my husband to let him know I was in the hospital. His response? "I'm at Taco Bell." FML

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By Me - United States - Canyon Lake

Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML

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Top comments

By ohhhsnapple | 14

#4564399 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:30

If you know about it, then it's not a real fight club.

By babiebuntin | 7

#4564417 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:31

What is the name of this video...? :P

COMMENTS

By amiritelol | 3

#4564392 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:29

This is funny, amirite.net ?

By ohhhsnapple | 14

#4564399 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:30

If you know about it, then it's not a real fight club.

Reply

IphonFML | 6

#4564746 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:56

youtube link or it didn't happen. Lol

Reply

Airman1988 | 9

#4565192 - Thursday 14 June 2012 7:00

This guy is either a wimp or needs to do some abs excercises. Throwing up from a punch is a sign of a weak core, a strong core can take a hit.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4565420 - Thursday 14 June 2012 8:02

Mhmmmm, mhmmm, oh good point 29! Bravo! Bravo! Well done 29. You can have a whole damn Chips-Ahoy! bag.

Reply

fylx100 | 19

#4565572 - Thursday 14 June 2012 9:33

Well, is it uploaded??? Tell me where to find it!

Reply

TheEpicMilkMan | 13

#4565618 - Thursday 14 June 2012 10:24

first rule about fight club....don't speak about fight club.

Reply

wallandpiece | 16

#4566252 - Thursday 14 June 2012 16:29

So why are you speaking about it then?

Reply

TheEpicMilkMan | 13

#4566464 - Thursday 14 June 2012 18:02

oh shit I'm going to die D:

By babiebuntin | 7

#4564417 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:31

What is the name of this video...? :P

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4565247 - Thursday 14 June 2012 7:16

"Hey, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!"

By xPhoBiuHzZz | 1

#4564439 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:34

I've done something similar, except it was to submit to tosh.0. It didn't work out.

Reply

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#4565452 - Thursday 14 June 2012 8:11

So you got your friend to falcon punch you in the gut in order to puke?

By perdix | 29

#4564470 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:36

Plus, he broke the first rule of Fight Club: Never talk about Fight Club. I wonder what kind of injuries he'll sustain now.

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4565628 - Thursday 14 June 2012 10:28

You just talked about Fight Club =0. You're going down.

Reply

nava1210 | 12

#4566561 - Thursday 14 June 2012 18:42

47 - so did you..
..You're both going down..

By ArielTheMermaid | 17

#4564471 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:36

So is it on YouTube yet?

By emeraldisle | 30

#4564473 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:37

Your husband is a genius.

By patrickalamo | 47

#4564477 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:38

DON'T talk about Fight Club!!!!

Reply

Collisionn | 11

#4565131 - Thursday 14 June 2012 6:51

You just broke rules 1 and 2!

By sillyjonjon | 4

#4564485 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:39

Did they get the video?

By Tezoma | 28

#4564512 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:41

What happens in Fight Club... Winds up in the hospital. Very smooth move.