Intimacy: Today, I had to go visit my grandma. While in her bathroom, the... - FML

By bongoboy - United States

Today, I had to go visit my grandma. While in her bathroom, the floss I was using cut my gum, I then proceded to make sounds of slight pain. My grandma was, at the same moment, walking by and said "Don't masturbate in side of my bathroom you sick teen!" Now my grandma thinks I am a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56240

You deserved it

6206

Tweet

Share

Serious times

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

No smoking

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having a break up fight with my fiancée, she informed me that the paternity of our unborn child was in question because one of the other guys couldn't remember if he got off or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3344

You deserved it

235

Tweet

Share

By nicolo - United States

Today, I got my tax return. I was really excited. Turns out the government does take the time to send out a tax return for $1.36. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32380

You deserved it

4012

Tweet

Share

By romancocks - United States - Palatka

Today, some girl in the street mistook me for Richard Simmons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37225

You deserved it

5770

Tweet

Share

By 1D-107 - United States - Logan

Today, I was babysitting three kids, one of whom was particularly difficult to control. While trying to get him to behave, the two girls came up behind me and pulled my pants down. In front of a huge window open to the street below. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23477

You deserved it

2460

Tweet

Share

By fullmoonfml - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to moon people out of my friend's car window. I rolled down the window and mooned a random couple. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I had to get out of the car and pick up my phone and wallet, which were in my back pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6153

You deserved it

57517

Tweet

Share

By Betrayed - United States

Today, I attended my college roommate's wedding. We were best friends for 4 years, but have only talked occasionally since graduation. I was looking forward to meeting her new husband, having heard so much about him during our conversations. Turns out she forgot to mention he's my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30036

You deserved it

2395

Tweet

Share

By why - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break up with me because "bros before hoes". They met for the first time last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3258

You deserved it

375

Tweet

Share

By Brony - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that everyone in my dorm knows I watch My Little Pony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13518

You deserved it

43279

Tweet

Share

By cerealfail

Today, I went to get a box of cereal and I knocked over a bottle of olive oil. It took me about half an hour to clean up. When I finally finished, I found out the box of cereal was empty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27691

You deserved it

4357

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. I tried to hide my sadness from my mom. She still noticed, and tried to cheer me up. She took me to a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34606

You deserved it

3190

Tweet

Share

By Canadagirl

Today, my boyfriend of seven and a half years broke up with me. By text message. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4154

You deserved it

298

Tweet

Share

By dole_out_the_fml - Canada

Today, I spent two hours making dinner for my boyfriend's family. When I brought it over to their house they said "thanks" and didn't bother to invite me to stay to eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59116

You deserved it

4561

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my husband blew all the candles on his birthday cake while I was taking a photo in front of him. I will probably never use cocoa powder to decorate a birthday cake anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10873

You deserved it

39351

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, I heard water splashing outside of my house; I investigated it, only to find my dad, whom I don't live with, syphoning gas out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39992

You deserved it

2961

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 20:00

Motherly love

Today, my son handed me a handful of snot he just sneezed out, then went back to playing with his Lego. I had IVF and gave up a career as a lawyer to have this little snot demon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

846

You deserved it

1406

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me that he had cheated on me two months ago with my best friend. I decided to give him a second chance. About twenty minutes later, he then broke up with me for not wanting to watch football. Apparently I don't care about his feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30698

You deserved it

12954

Tweet

Share

By Oopsydaisy31

Metal music

Today, my date and I were getting to know each other, and we talked about our favorite music. He's into metal. Trying to impress him, I mention I like metal too. He said his favorite band is “The Gonzorks” and I mentioned that's my favorite too. He looked at me dead and cold and said “Um, actually that band doesn't exist.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

506

You deserved it

4414

Tweet

Share

By lovely-sweet - France

Today, during a lunch I said "It must be awful to realize that you've been cheated on!". One of the men present had just found out that he had been. I then try to correct my tactlessness by saying "The worst must be when your wife leaves you for another woman". Which was also the case. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28440

You deserved it

10045

Tweet

Share

By steph - China

Today, I found a note on the front door of my flat saying, "You left your keys in your garage door so I put them in your letter box". Guess where my letter box key is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27879

You deserved it

6632

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept pressuring me to get it on. I told him I was self-conscious abut my stomach and didn't want him to see it. His response? My double chin doesn't keep him from kissing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27736

You deserved it

8173

Tweet

Share

By Oh-Shit! - United States

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47069

You deserved it

5460

Tweet

Share

By yeshehaspornaddiction - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my boyfriend told me to completely shave off all of my already-groomed pubic area because, "It looks so unnatural." Ignoring the obvious lack of logic, I asked him why he keeps his totally ungroomed. Turns out "Men having hair is okay. Women aren't supposed to, though." FML

I agree, your life sucks

56794

You deserved it

13345

Tweet

Share

By crutchy - United States

Today, at the age of 16, I'm recovering from hip surgery. My friends took me out to the movies to cheer me up. They thought it would be hilarious to steal my crutches and leave me stranded and alone in the mall, multiple times. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45386

You deserved it

4056

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to use glow-in-the-dark body paint to make an arrow on his stomach pointing down. I guess he thought he'd "spice up" the way he always demands a blow job before sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31883

You deserved it

6339

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found myself sneaking into my apartment to avoid the old lady that lives next to me. Funny enough, I moved into my own apartment because I was tired of sneaking into it to avoid my mom who lived with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13251

You deserved it

1738

Tweet

Share

By weirdedout - United States

Today, while sitting at a red light, my mother asks "Do you have any intimacy questions?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

40528

You deserved it

5212

Tweet

Share

By KillMeNow - United Kingdom

Today, on my first day of being a trainee teacher in a classroom, I told a boy to stop using that stupid accent or else I'll give him a detention. Turns out he just moved here from Romania. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9758

You deserved it

73905

Tweet

Share

By David - United States

Today, I decided to ride my rusty old bike to work, since it will help the environment. I was standing up and had a tight grip on the handle bars. The handle bars came off and I fell down on the cross bar, busting my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43286

You deserved it

10070

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proudly gave my grandma a picture I had drawn for her. She didn't seem thrilled with it, and afterwards the rest of my family seemed upset. Nobody could fathom why I drew grandma a picture of a graveyard for her 85th birthday. It was suppose to be a bridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29875

You deserved it

6853

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34667

You deserved it

1981

Tweet

Share

By Sean - United States

Today, I got a zero on my math test. My teacher was convinced that I had written the answers on my arm. No answers, just really thick, black arm hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35412

You deserved it

3313

Tweet

Share

By Awkward - United States

Today, while training a new employee, I had to run after a naked guy chasing a hooker at the hotel I work at. I made him go back to his room, while she offered me a good time for 300 bucks. The trainee left and hasn't come back yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43534

You deserved it

3133

Tweet

Share

By rashree - United States

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory." When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24548

You deserved it

3533

Tweet

Share

By Ldp56 - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school. Apparently, she was learning about the food pyramid and when she was asked to identify what she had eaten the day before, she said "dog food". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32931

You deserved it

4567

Tweet

Share

By Pooldead - Germany - Munich

Today, while introducing my girlfriend to my family, everyone told me that she looked exactly like my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1689

You deserved it

232

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I was walking home when a stranger came up to me and told me to give him a good reason why he shouldn't punch me in the face. I guess none were good enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42068

You deserved it

4150

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Norway - Haugesund

Today, while giving my girlfriend a back-rub, she moaned and commented, "If only you could fuck this well." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38430

You deserved it

9014

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go out and that I'd be back later. He asked where I was going. "To see my other boyfriend," I chuckled, smiling. He took it seriously and wouldn't believe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22368

You deserved it

10034

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Irmo

Today, I'm moving. While packing, I realized I hadn't seen my cat in a few hours. I called her and realized she was inside one of the hundreds of boxes in my house. I accidentally packed my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46215

You deserved it

17315

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Ireland

You're back!

Today, I heard that one of our customers had passed away. Saddened, I told everyone who came into our shop about his death. Understandably, some customers got very upset and one even fainted. Suddenly, the "dead" man walked into the shop. Turns out I got the name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13149

You deserved it

42060

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By LoveFifteen | 0

#142014 - Saturday 25 April 2009 16:56

Umm, since when does masturbating making you a pervert?

By ZetsubouSensei | 0

#141922 - Saturday 25 April 2009 16:18

Haha, nice. But I say YDI for having sex-like pain noises, dude.

COMMENTS

By FMLSTL | 0

#141891 - Saturday 25 April 2009 16:10

first!

By boomBOOMshake | 0

#141902 - Saturday 25 April 2009 16:13

Wow, that's really funny.

By AtoZnumbersand_ | 1

#141910 - Saturday 25 April 2009 16:15

LOLOL im moderated this one. funny as.

THIRD lol.

Don't playa hate on me

Reply

Metzler31 | 17

#860417 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 3:31

haha the first comment is gone on my iPhone, so now you're second! yay you!

but that might be just me

Reply

missmontreal97 | 4

#1222535 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 14:44

it's me too

By I_Deserved_It | 8

#141911 - Saturday 25 April 2009 16:16

#1, Good for you. Nobody cares.

Ooh... my gums started to hurt reading this.

By boomBOOMshake | 0

#141917 - Saturday 25 April 2009 16:17

Wait, sexual pervert? There are other types of perverts?

By ZetsubouSensei | 0

#141922 - Saturday 25 April 2009 16:18

Haha, nice. But I say YDI for having sex-like pain noises, dude.

By potatopeeler | 0

#141939 - Saturday 25 April 2009 16:25

How bad did you cut it that you had to make noise?

By anonymousssss_fml | 3

#141941 - Saturday 25 April 2009 16:25

lol well that stinks for you. i hope you can convince her of what you were really doing. you could always show her the cut or something. good luck :)

By toolman | 0

#141942 - Saturday 25 April 2009 16:26

lol grannies are soo funny

By Spencer_CDS | 0

#141949 - Saturday 25 April 2009 16:29

Lulz ... senility, you say?