Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence.... - FML

By bruised - 15/8/2015 15:47 - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

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Hello everyone!

Business savvy

What did I do?

By All the ills - 15/2/2016 20:32 - United States - Geneva

Today, I was miserable with a cold. So I ordered soup and noodles from a new Chinese restaurant. Now I am miserable with a cold and food poisoning. FML

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By kdeeeceee - 5/11/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

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By is there a environmental scientist in the house? - 5/3/2013 08:48 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, wanting to impress my date, I bullshitted her about how I was an environmental scientist. She got so impressed that she invited me over to her place. Not her home, her office. So that I could give her pointers on her current project. She's a real environmental scientist. FML

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By jcc - 24/2/2009 08:31 - Russian Federation

Today, I'm reading in the subway sitting one leg over the other. An old lady sits down next to me. After quietly examining me for about two stations she leans over to me and whispers in my ear: "Girl, sitting like all the time will make you end up with a crooked c**t". I'm a man. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2019 21:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

I don't know why

Today I went camping in the mountains with my girlfriend and her very outdoor loving mountain. I sprained my ankle falling out of the car and got bug bit on my penis while peeing. Her dad actually asked why she was dating me and she admitted that she had no idea. FML

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By sadgirl - 24/8/2019 09:00 - United States - Edmond

Today, I brought my boyfriend home to meet my family. The first thing my mom said to him was, “Oh, you can do so much better. Like a paint huffer or a crack whore.” She was serious, and my entire family nodded in agreement. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 07:23 - Australia

Today, I was doing a study on homeless people and how they manage to stay alive on the streets. Turns out the one I was studying today was given more money than I make in a week. FML

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By tuggernuts - 17/7/2012 15:32 - United States

Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML

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By browngirl - 29/9/2013 04:16 - Canada - Vernon

Today, at work, a lady came in to have her glasses fixed. When she opened her case, an earwig crawled out. Instead of trying to kill it, she just left it and watched as it crawled over my desk and behind my computer. I later found the earwig in my hair. FML

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By TalkDirtyToMe - 10/10/2014 19:33 - New Zealand

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

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By smelly asses - 17/9/2020 07:50

Skidmarks

Today, my husband and my daughter engaged in a fart war. Guess who go to do a pile of shitty laundry, while the other texted his friends about the “hilarious” incident? FML

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By wtfiswrongwithher - 7/5/2011 13:56 - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

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By Uggghhh - 9/5/2017 02:00

Today, I'm sitting at the vet's office while they run expensive tests on my cat. This is to make sure he doesn't have a bowel obstruction from eating the condom that my partner and I used last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2019 20:03

Today, I went straight from a kickboxing class to a first date. I coughed and a tooth that must have been knocked loose during free sparring fell into my hand, and I got blood on my shirt and the table. My date had a blood phobia and passed out, breaking her own front tooth on the table edge FML

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By dumb - 2/6/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, my new subletter moved in. Within 6 hours one of my cats took a dump on her pants. I freaked out, lit some candles to hide the smell and threw her pants in the washer. When the cycle was done I found her cell phone at the bottom of the washing machine. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2013 17:37 - United States - Romulus

Today, I found out my handwriting is so bad that people think I write in Arabic. FML

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By kris - 25/4/2014 15:40 - United States - Upland

Today, not even a week after I was laid off from my job, I got a call from my old boss. He offered me a "new" job at the company, which turned out to be just like my old one, but with drastically reduced pay. I'm so broke and desperate that I accepted. FML

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By NotABeatenWoman - 9/11/2015 00:36 - United States - Charleston

Today, I found out everyone in my neighborhood thinks that I'm a beaten woman due to the reoccurring ambulances in front of my house at night. My kid just chokes on everything, and they don't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2012 04:55 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had a few friends over. Wanting to seem cool, I yelled at my girlfriend to get me a beer. She chucked four bottles at my head. All my friends cheered her on. FML

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By handyman13 - 25/7/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, I found out that I have a warrant for my arrest, because I was fishing without a fishing license. FML

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By SofiMarti - 24/8/2019 00:02 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my mom was named principal of the school I go to. FML

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By BrokeBride - 14/8/2014 07:15 - United States - Hudson

Today, I asked for time off from work for my wedding and honeymoon. A grand total of three days. My boss made a face like he'd sucked on rancid toes and asked me if I was stupid. Awesome. FML

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By Greg - 29/8/2020 05:01

Lovely Rita

Today, I went to lunch with a friend in her car. I told her to park in a lot that had signs warning that we'd be towed, saying, "They never tow anyone from here. In fact, if you get towed, I'll pay for it." When we returned, her car was gone. I had to pay $145 in cash to get it back. FML

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By Wilf - 22/2/2013 15:48 - Australia - Perth

Today, the arts company I work for cancelled our 8 pm sold-out outdoor performance at 7:30 due to rain, and will have to reticket 550 patrons. I'm the only person in the office trained in ticketing. It stopped raining 10 minutes after we cancelled it. FML

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By Kevin - 21/5/2019 16:02

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML

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By notimpressed - 26/4/2011 19:25 - United Kingdom

Today, a kid with severe Down's came into my workplace, as he does every day. He's has an obsession with me, sitting at a table, staring and taking photos of me all day. His parents have no problem with this, because they think it's a miracle that he can focus so much attention on me for so long. FML

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By Lovers lost... - 24/3/2018 19:00

Today, my crush won the bet that I made with him yesterday. The bet? That he couldn't land a date by the end of the day. Not only am I down $10, but a possible boyfriend too. FML

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By FreeOfCharge - 21/9/2009 06:06 - Canada

Today, I got a client who ordered ice cream. She seemed really nice and I thought maybe she was into me. When I asked if she wanted peanuts for an additional 50 cents, she said no. Trying to be nice, I added them anyway free of charge. I later had to call the ambulance. She was allergic. FML

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By scoobses - 2/10/2015 00:45 - United States

Today, my pain-in-the-ass co-worker is finally leaving. Unfortunately, I was chosen to do the bulk of her job. She has given me no training and on her last day, just smirked at me on her way out and say, "Enjoy doing my job too, fucker". I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2013 00:56 - Mexico - Distrito Federal

Today, I opened my heart to my father-in-law, telling him how he was a very good example for us and how his name would be great for our first born son, he interrupted, saying, "Cut the cheesy crap, now." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2018 18:36 - United States - Fort Worth

Threat Neutralized

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

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By ShowerGirl - 30/4/2013 07:54 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, I heard a door slam. Assuming it was my fiancé, I shouted "I love you!" I later opened the bathroom door to see my stereo and television missing. I'd said "I love you" to whoever robbed my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 15:05 - United Kingdom - Eastleigh

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2009 20:02 - Canada

Today, I ran into a guy that I had gone on a few dates with 3 months ago and slept with him a few times, but then never heard from him again. When he looked at me, I went over and gave him a hug and said "Hey, how are you, Chris?". He hugged me back and said "Hey there cutie, what's your name?". FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2013 23:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend from high school contacted me, telling me we should hang out some time; I casually agreed. Two hours later she's on my doorstep in tears, wanting me to take her back. She's married with kids. I live four states away and haven't a clue how she found out where I live. FML

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By plasticfantastic - 25/4/2009 12:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I met this guy I really liked at a party. We got chatting and then hit the dance floor. We had a "moment" and I went in to kiss him. He shot forward with his tongue already out. His eyes were open. FML

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By Aether - 3/5/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

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By cycler - 13/6/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. While he was dumping me, he was holding hands with his new girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2017 18:00

Today, I had to stop on a long trip to use the restroom at a gas station. Apparently, there was water damage beneath the toilet, because after about two minutes of doing my business, it collapsed about seven inches beneath the floor. Guess who got covered in water, black mold, and poo. FML

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Top comments

By WarMachine68 | 24

#6382302 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:13

Took me longer than it should have to realize the "f" word was "fired".

By mattzawesome | 28

#6382298 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:09

This is why I don't want a management position later in life.

COMMENTS

By mattzawesome | 28

#6382298 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:09

This is why I don't want a management position later in life.

Reply

Kramer1998 | 20

#6382954 - Monday 17 August 2015 0:07

Yeah you do, more money more better

Reply

OopsyDoodle | 6

#6383125 - Monday 17 August 2015 2:47

money or sanity, hmm.. are you even familiar with retail?

By Ninjerman | 7

#6382300 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Enkeria | 30

#6382344 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:52

Isn't that like super illegal and considered attempted murder or battery?

Reply

Flyndaran | 10

#6382428 - Sunday 16 August 2015 11:19

Illegal for civilians, but not for cops in the U.S. Though many departments frown on it and don't teach its use.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6382468 - Sunday 16 August 2015 12:38

Good listeners are typically conscious to actually hear what you are saying.

Reply

DedeleMan | 21

#6382566 - Sunday 16 August 2015 16:18

dude, in 20 seconds you can cause serious brain damage or even kill someone. it takes seven seconds for someone in a hold to lose consciousness. do you even know what you're talking about?

Reply

daemonsparta | 16

#6382781 - Sunday 16 August 2015 19:56

you dont hold it for 20 seconds you dingbat

Reply

FenHarel | 9

#6383099 - Monday 17 August 2015 2:15

Well, the poster said "in 20 seconds" so what? you stare at him for the remainder hard enough and maybe he'll hold his breath in fear?

Reply

dannnngthatsux | 19

#6383765 - Monday 17 August 2015 19:03

#52, try again, brain damage takes 3+ minutes of anoxia, 9x more than a 20 second sleeper hold. I've helps my breath for 3 minutes underwater before, 20 seconds? And in cold water anoxia can take up to 13 minutes for permanent brain damage.

Reply

coolbeansbruh | 13

#6412233 - Wednesday 16 September 2015 20:37

"anyone" wtf bro......brutal. op don't take #2's advice

Reply

SAGARCo | 19

#6442802 - Saturday 24 October 2015 1:49

Numero 74, the sleeper hold not only cuts off air, but also the blood rushing to your brain.

By ecamp12 | 15

#6382301 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:10

Well good thing you fired him... Even though it took much of a struggle...

By WarMachine68 | 24

#6382302 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:13

Took me longer than it should have to realize the "f" word was "fired".

Reply

Steve95401 | 49

#6382318 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:23

Same with me.

Reply

MissCloudy249 | 14

#6382321 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:24

Honestly, I didn't even realize until I read your comment. I thought OP just said "fuck", but "fired" makes a lot more sense now...

Reply

LilMissCanadian | 22

#6382334 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:36

I didn't even know! Wow I totally misread that.

Reply

zarrganaut | 17

#6382354 - Sunday 16 August 2015 8:15

Same here! Haha

Reply

WD_Stevens | 22

#6382403 - Sunday 16 August 2015 10:00

Wow. It makes a lot more sense now. I was kinda expecting comments decrying the use of swearing in a professional sense.

Reply

Taolan | 23

#6382423 - Sunday 16 August 2015 10:52

Yep.

Reply

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6382542 - Sunday 16 August 2015 15:35

I spent a relatively long time wondering why the hell OP said "fuck" while firing someone. Then I felt stupid.

Reply

yaoi_chan | 8

#6382559 - Sunday 16 August 2015 16:02

Lol now only I realized thanks to ur comment . I first thought the op deserved it for not handling it in a formal way or sth. Oh well

Reply

ShyVi | 18

#6382796 - Sunday 16 August 2015 20:10

I read the FML like 6 times wondering why an employer would use the F word, even when firing someone. Then after reading this comment, it all made sense.

Reply

CoffeeChickBlows | 13

#6382803 - Sunday 16 August 2015 20:23

I know you'll get over defensive and bury me, but seriously? You and nearly 500 people who upvoted you? It's called context and basic reading skills, people.

Reply

cho_bee | 9

#6383221 - Monday 17 August 2015 4:27

Me too!

Reply

thisguy22 | 33

#6383334 - Monday 17 August 2015 6:27

@65

I, along with what I assume is a multitude of others, only up-voted this comment because it was funny not because I made the same mistake.

Reply

gogo44444 | 28

#6383347 - Monday 17 August 2015 6:43

Same here

By StanSmith2013 | 26

#6382304 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:13

How did he get the job in the first place?

Reply

redmeer | 1

#6382614 - Sunday 16 August 2015 17:26

usually by lying and submitting false resumes

Reply

dannnngthatsux | 19

#6383768 - Monday 17 August 2015 19:04

Nepotism?

By alexanderavatar | 24

#6382306 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:14

YOU"RE FIR... Whaaaaaat? I got promoted and got your job awww thank you. Your so kind

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#6382307 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:14

That sounds dangerous. I would have called police.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6382469 - Sunday 16 August 2015 12:40

"Help, an employee I'm trying to fire is being snippy!"

Reply

alexanderavatar | 24

#6382615 - Sunday 16 August 2015 17:30

as long as the cops don't fire him we are good

Reply

fakedsincerity | 32

#6383483 - Monday 17 August 2015 10:55

No #44, more like he wouldn't leave their property and therefore the police could remove him.

By kovalsky_fml | 10

#6382308 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:16

For an incompetent worker he sure gave the three of you a run for your money.

By mollydick | 12

#6382309 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:17

what was his job anyways?

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6382473 - Sunday 16 August 2015 12:42

Apparently not being a child.

By spursunited | 19

#6382311 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:18

I can just imagine him with his hands over his ears as they drag him out shouting, LALALALA I CANT HEAR YOU IM NOT FIRED LALALALALALALA!!!

Reply

erindgentry | 28

#6382326 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:27

I bet he shows back up to work Monday

Reply

spursunited | 19

#6382345 - Sunday 16 August 2015 7:52

And he fortunately got that big promotion with the raise right?