Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an... - FML

By Dunzo15 - 2/5/2009 06:28 - United States

Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML

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Messed up

Race against the clock

Father material

By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 06:00 - United States - Chattanooga

Backwards ass logic

Today, my boyfriend told me that it's "disgusting" to wash your "rear end" and that he has never, and will never, do it. FML

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By English_Nut117 - 30/10/2013 19:17 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my boyfriend came onto me in a romantic gesture. We ended up having sex, forgetting that the window repair guy was supposed to come today and do some work on our third floor apartment windows. I still don't know how much he saw. FML

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By knee2tak - 14/3/2009 09:46 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend "we need to talk". He said "i know". So we met after school, and he said he was ok with me breaking up with him, that he wasn't that into me either. He said all that before I could tell him that my parents wanted to meet him. FML

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By insertfoothere - 18/7/2009 11:26 - United States

Today, after my son's new friend spent the night, I commented on how his hair had such a straight line in it from one ear to the other. I joked about how he must have fallen asleep with headphones on, or had bad hat hair. He informed me it was a scar from brain surgery he had when he was younger. FML

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By Rachel8896 - 15/8/2013 11:28 - United States - Lakewood

Today, it was my birthday. I spent all day in bed, sick with the flu. My boyfriend then broke up with me by text, because he didn't want to risk getting sick by doing it in person. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2014 01:23 - United States - South Salem

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML

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By julian - 29/9/2018 14:00

Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 08:00

Close enough

Today, I finished writing a 60-page essay on the history and people of Australia. Turns out it's supposed to be on Austria. It's due this morning. FML

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By user210 - 26/3/2012 03:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML

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By Noname - 27/2/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML

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By Binks - 23/11/2018 09:30 - United States - Bonneau

Today, my dad took away my Xbox because "You never do anything active." I had just run a 5K. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 06:00 - Australia

The devil is in the details

Today, after cancelling work, arguing with my family, scrambling to pack my bags, speeding to the airport and filling in immigration forms to fly out to have a much needed holiday, I wasn't allowed to check in. My passport has less than 6 months away from expiration on it. Yes, that's a thing, apparently. FML

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By Fack. - 19/2/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I told my long-distance girlfriend that I just could not handle the distance and we should just be friends. To which she responded, "What? You thought we were going out? Lol". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, I was on an airplane that was experiencing some turbulence. Feeling anxious, I reached over and grabbed my husband's hand for comfort. He then said, "Why are you scared of dying? You're not even pretty." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2014 03:46 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

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By apenglishstudent - 31/3/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I overheard a conversation two of my friends were having about Homer, so I interjected with a quip about a Simpson's episode I had seen before. They were talking about the poet. I'm an AP literature student. FML

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By Buggga - 22/8/2009 09:07 - Australia

Today, I was instructed to shave my back in preperation for my first tattoo. I'm a girl. FML

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By Unknown - 18/10/2011 04:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. He didn't know how to take off my bra and insisted that he'd figure it out on his own. He gave up a couple seconds later and played video games instead. FML

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By CRWMEN - 22/12/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 22:07 - Israel

Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2020 03:00

We're up all night to not get some

Today, I must be the only woman on the planet with a boyfriend who turns down sex because he feels like he’s got a headache coming. FML

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By penny-dropping - 16/4/2012 04:24 - United States

Today, while packing my luggage from vacation I thought I saw a penny drop into my bag. After looking everywhere I couldn't find it. Now that I am home I found out that I had mistaken a cockroach for a penny. I now have a family of cockroaches living in my luggage. FML

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By BohGlam - 1/12/2016 20:30

Today, my boss reprimanded me for my lack of media communications skills. It would be more understandable if I weren't a janitor. FML

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By hastobeajoke - 31/1/2012 18:45 - United States

Today, I submitted my 208th job application in less than a year, and went to my 83rd and 84th interviews, only to be told once again that I'm over-qualified for the first, and under-qualified for the second. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2009 18:25 - Israel

Today, I woke up late. My grandparents had slept over the night before but they usually left early. I heard someone in the kitchen and thinking it was my brother, I said "Thank god, the geriatric crew is FINALLY gone." My grandma responds, "No we're not." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2019 16:16 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my coworker and I were discussing our office's lack of break room, and how we should suggest a picnic table for our upcoming landscaping. We concluded that someone would let their dog steal our lunches if we ate outside. Working at the vet's sucks. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2009 11:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I spotted my neighbour's cat sitting on their front garden. I bent over and began walking towards it with my hand out saying, "Hello pussycat". I was only a few feet away when I realised I was talking to a white bag of sand. I turned to see my family in hysterics. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2012 12:13 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after I spent two hours trying to teach my girlfriend to play sudoku, she broke up with me, tearfully claiming that I'd made up a fake, imaginary game to make her feel stupid. FML

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By Walter - 24/10/2015 03:17 - Spain

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

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By rapturezz - 6/6/2011 07:55 - United States

Today, my ex-girlfriend told my entire family and all my friends that we broke up because I came out to her. They all believe her. Twenty two texts and counting. FML

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By baseball25635 - 1/10/2009 18:27 - United States

Today, I was at my son's baseball game when a foul ball came flying toward my brand new car. In an attempt to save my windshield, I dove onto trying to stop the ball only to land on my windshield, crack it and see the ball land safely on the ground next to my car. FML

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By novapine - 1/10/2013 08:34 - United States - Staffordsville

Today, I was told there was a bench warrant out for my arrest because a notice to appear for jury duty was sent to my old address and I never responded. I haven't lived at my old address for 2 years. FML

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By Dante - 30/11/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I got the repair estimate for my car. It is going to cost me $3,000 to rebuild the front end. It was wrecked because a couple decided to have a lovers spat in the middle of the freeway. I had that car for exactly four hours. FML

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By Notakidpusher - 24/11/2015 03:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my coworker brought her 3-year-old son to work with her. When introducing him to me, she dropped her bag and bent over to pick it up, knocking him over with her butt in the process. When she stood up, she noticed he was sitting on the ground crying. She then accused me of pushing him over. FML

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By blazer - 30/6/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, my daughter asked me what is the youngest age at which you should start having sex. Being a good mom, I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. My daughter then said, "Oh... shoot," and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML

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By Clumsy - 25/4/2009 09:09 - United States

Today, I was doing a fitness test. Though clumsy, I managed to spin around a bat then dash across a balance beam, run through some tires, and walk across a log floating in water. Pleased with my performance, I walked to the bathroom, tripped on my shoelace, and busted my head on the floor. FML

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By just wanted nice nails - 5/8/2015 04:37 - United States - Palmer

Today, I found out that you can ruin a $500 computer with a few stray drops of 100% acetone nail polish remover on the keyboard. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML

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By RotoRooter - 17/4/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML

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By hardtoignore - 3/10/2011 01:34 - United States

Today, after reading about seduction techniques, I wore shades and a brightly colored shirt to a club to attract female attention. However, the sunglasses rendered me almost blind, and I tripped over a step, crashed into tables, and thanks to the shirt, everyone saw it happen in glorious technicolor. FML

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Top comments

By Fredzter | 0

#162335 - Saturday 2 May 2009 19:12

HAHAHA!!

By FunWriter20 | 0

#162345 - Saturday 2 May 2009 19:13

Lol, that is so funny! Wish I had that brownie now. Sucks for you, though. I hope it wasn't for a career, but just for a minimum wage job.

COMMENTS

By Fredzter | 0

#162335 - Saturday 2 May 2009 19:12

HAHAHA!!

Reply

Alhan_fml | 0

#970409 - Monday 29 March 2010 6:53

It wasn't even the brownie. He just smoked the whole interview.

Reply

copycat148 | 0

#1031981 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 6:44

thats wat they call it now?

Reply

terranada | 3

#1171886 - Sunday 1 August 2010 18:15

haha as soon as u said brownie I was like oh shit xD

Reply

MiGman | 5

#1944923 - Sunday 9 January 2011 3:43

it's always the brownies and cookies

Reply

FyreKrotch | 1

#2185792 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 19:56

OP deserved it for eating someone else's food without permission. That's a HUGE pet peeve of mine.

Reply

Humpyourleg | 0

#3670849 - Friday 2 December 2011 0:38

Best employee ever

Reply

CalebEatsZombies | 2

#3727901 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 2:02

That's the story of how I almost got expelled

By FunWriter20 | 0

#162345 - Saturday 2 May 2009 19:13

Lol, that is so funny! Wish I had that brownie now. Sucks for you, though. I hope it wasn't for a career, but just for a minimum wage job.

Reply

beocA | 3

#2109258 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 1:59

I wish I had brownies that potent... damn

By borhos222 | 0

#162346 - Saturday 2 May 2009 19:13

Oh, that sucks!! What would you do? That happened to my friends dad once, but he was in the middle of driving...

By vampirate77 | 0

#162347 - Saturday 2 May 2009 19:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

dragonaair | 5

#3013421 - Monday 1 August 2011 7:46

they didnt have much of an appetite, not that they were hungry. not much of an appetite = not feeling like eating a big meal.

Reply

guitarbeast | 22

#3831761 - Thursday 5 January 2012 3:51

Bet he ate a lot of food after that

By smashyy | 0

#162348 - Saturday 2 May 2009 19:14

Haha, hash brownieeee. That's effing hilarious. =D

Reply

noobienick | 19

#5824417 - Saturday 11 January 2014 20:14

Your on a website called "fuck my life". You can say "fuck".

By AHX_fml | 0

#162350 - Saturday 2 May 2009 19:14

lol, at least your interview was fun.

By cRAYzed | 0

#162353 - Saturday 2 May 2009 19:14

Somehow I don't think one brownie would be enough to make you 'so stoned you can't speak'.

By bettinamae2x | 0

#162356 - Saturday 2 May 2009 19:14

haha, that's pretty funny. :]

By dcubed121 | 0

#162360 - Saturday 2 May 2009 19:15

I'm sorry but if you know you are going to an interview, grabbing a brownie out of the fridge with stoner roommates is not a great idea.

Reply

irritatedone | 5

#3015816 - Monday 1 August 2011 17:35

I know right.

Reply

purplexpinapple | 11

#5424900 - Thursday 28 March 2013 17:53

Yeah, but at least they made sure the interview was entertaining! :-P

By billnye7 | 0

#162363 - Saturday 2 May 2009 19:16

haha wow... i agree with #4, why'd you eat if you weren't hungry? and if you know your room mate well enough, just check the brownies before you eat them...