Intimacy: Today, I had a softball team dinner, and I was sitting with a... - FML

By annonymous - China

Today, I had a softball team dinner, and I was sitting with a bunch of girls who were talking about how far they've gone with guys. One girl goes "I must be the least experienced one here, I've never even kissed a guy!" Surprised, I said "me too!" and high-fived her. She was joking. I wasn't. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Serious times

Season finale

By Vince - Canada

Today, I was cuddling up on the couch with my girlfriend, when my drunken mother walked in the room, slurred out, "Room for one more?" and leaped on top of us. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML

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By Shock - United States - Littleton

Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML

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By AshWil - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally posted an extensive, negative review of the gynecologist I visited earlier this week. I messed up and posted it from my work's customer service email, so now it looks like the large, well-known company I work for had a poor gynecological experience. FML

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By shameonme - United States - Nampa

Today, I found out one of my friends had never seen the "Two Girls, One Cup" video, so I loaded it up and told him to watch it. I knew he was squeamish, but I didn't expect him to actually pass out. He cracked his head on the side of my desk and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

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By stupiddog - United States - San Francisco

Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 08:02

Hold the line

Today, I discovered that my work's new phone system automatically takes people off hold the very second you pick up the phone. I discovered this after picking up the phone and complaining to my workmates about the annoying customer I had on the line for a full minute, all while he listened. FML

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By HairyLeggedItalian - United States

Today, I was putting a wooden shelf into my new TV stand. Right before I put it in, I rested it on my leg. I then realized that the wood was of poor quality, and it gave me splinters. Now, I can't remove the splinters, because I can't find their exact location under my really hairy legs. FML

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By Jules - 3/3/2021 14:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

One law for thee…

Today, my country’s health minister said on TV, "Stay home! Don’t travel, don’t meet people!" The same evening, he drove to another state to have dinner with a group of people who gave money to his political party. He had taken a COVID test before. It came back positive. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 17:00

He got game

Today, my son told me he's had 5 boyfriends and is currently working to improve himself before getting into another relationship. When I was his age, I was still single. My son has more game than I do. FML

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By mere - 6/4/2021 21:30

Nice parents you've got there

Today, I was called a whore by my own parents, simply because I’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. Everyone I’ve ever dated has dumped me. FML

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By irony, huh?

Alexa, play "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette

Today, I got mugged. For an actual mug. FML

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By Takegami - United States - Norge

Today, I realized how alone I truly was when I caught myself talking to a podcast. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I got a boner at the dentist. FML

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By effedfosh - Canada

Today, I overheard a couple talking behind me. She said, "You wanna know what's really scary?" He said, "the size of that guy? Yeah he's huge", to which she replied, "no, the scary thing is that's a chick." They weren't talking about me, but they sure were talking about my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2020 17:00

It's called fashion Dave, look it up!

Today, my beautiful bride walked towards me in a dress that looked just like a ribbed condom. FML

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By mew - Canada

Today, one of the children at my daycare came up to me and bit me on the face. He laughed so hard at my scream, that he threw up in my lap. FML

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By Gem - Australia

Today, my Dad thought "Joseph" and "Francis" were two people hacking our internet. They are actually the names of my laptop and iPod, which have now been blocked from using our modem. He can't figure out how to unblock them. FML

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By paulinapo - United States - Staten Island

Today, while in a public bathroom, I threw out my back. A stranger had to help me pull up my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Maryville

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 11:01 - Luxembourg - Mamer

Not that sort, I swear

Today, I threw out a bunch of Coca-Cola bottles that had been in my room for who knows how long. My mother noticed them in the recycling and promptly told our neighbours that I have a "coke habit." FML

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By grannysmack - United States

Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job an elderly woman walked by and smacked my ass. I looked at her, shocked, and she said, "It was too tempting with you bent over like that, I have a dirty old mind." I didn't know whether to be flattered or horrified. Maybe both. FML

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By nolinguist - Austria

Today, I arrived in Austria. Within about an hour, I realized that I couldn't understand any "German". Turns out they have a totally different dialect here to anything I was taught in school. I'm here till May. FML

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By noname - United States

Today, I was feeling really upset and called my boyfriend. He said "Can you feel upset a little later? I'm watching a movie." FML

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By Anonymous

Spooky

Today, I work as a RGN in an old victorian-style nursing home. Due to Covid-19, we've lost many residents, one passing just the night prior while I was with him. This morning, the TV turned on its own at nearly 4 a.m. in the lounge, and one of the HCAs reported stuff falling off in the corridor. FML

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By isaacBENNETT - United States

Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I'm straight. My parents thought different. FML

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By potpurri_needed - United States

Today, I was doing the laundry, but couldn't tell if one basket contained dirty clothes or clean clothes. I put my head down into the basket and took a whiff to check, and smelled something strong. I looked down and noticed I had shoved my nose into my mother's dirty panties and inhaled deeply. FML

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By I will find you and I will fucking fuck y - United Kingdom - Falmouth

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

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By Binks - United States - Bonneau

Today, my dad took away my Xbox because "You never do anything active." I had just run a 5K. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, for the first time in a while I decided to wear a skirt. Everytime I sit down my thighs trap air and make a farting sound. FML

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By faitesdesgosses - France - Mantes-la-ville

Today, I asked my 7-year-old daughter what job she would like when she grows up. She calmly replied that she wouldn't have one; she'd just bring her husband round to my place and steal food from me. FML

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By karma1221

Today, I got home early from work at 2am to find my girlfriend of 5 years missing. Upon further inspection, I caught the "other man" dropping her off out front. So much for the engagement ring I bought for her. FML

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By preggersmcgee - United States - Nixa

Today, I finally found a cute dress that hugged my curves and hid my imperfections. I wore it to my friend's house, and was feeling pretty good about myself, until some pregnant woman walked into the room wearing the exact same thing. It was a maternity dress. FML

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By Jordan - 12/11/2020 05:02 - United States - Herndon

Luck of the draw

Today, I waited 3 hours and paid $360 to have a routine tuneup done on my old car. As I pulled into my driveway, about to turn off the engine, one of my headlights blew. FML

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By justplaindumb - United States - Des Moines

Today, I walked into a wall, smashing my laptop into the top of my eye socket. This was all because I was carrying my laptop, phone and chocolate mug cake, all while trying to watch Netflix on said laptop. I feel like a 2016 cliché. FML

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By Loose Goose

Today, I went on a coffee date. It turned out to be a mistake - not because he was bad, but because I forgot how much coffee upsets my stomach. Yup, it makes me need to poop, and I did. In my jeans. As he drove me home. Not quite the "run" of fun we’d planned. FML

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By ok then

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML

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By Losamus

Nice first impression.

Today, I didn't know I had a pill stuck in my throat until I coughed and it flew across the table, narrowly missing the weird guy sitting across from me in the break room. Turns out that weird guy is my new supervisor. FML

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Top comments

By troubledcrystal | 0

#87371 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:07

don't worry, having an nice first kiss is much more important than having an early one

By Inspired22 | 11

#87373 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:08

Aw, there's nothing wrong with that! People don't need to brag about how far they've gone!

COMMENTS

By BigMac_fml | 0

#87351 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:02

Haha fail

Reply

YouSeriouslySuck | 0

#959380 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 22:56

yay I'm at the top! then I'll be moderated

Reply

hubbabubbba | 0

#1006306 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 3:09

not a fail.....I bet ALOT of ppl would of done the same thing lol (including me) :)

Reply

lolfood | 24

#5263892 - Thursday 20 December 2012 7:34

At least you're not a slut.

Reply

ScruffyFML | 10

#5503359 - Thursday 23 May 2013 11:34

Another time, another glory, Op. :)

By rachel13_fml | 0

#87366 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:06

That sounds like something I would do

By troubledcrystal | 0

#87371 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:07

don't worry, having an nice first kiss is much more important than having an early one

Reply

Edwinadii | 4

#3908325 - Thursday 19 January 2012 12:30

Im 15 and havent kissed any girl yet. FML

By Jaxro | 6

#87372 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:07

haha winner...

By Inspired22 | 11

#87373 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:08

Aw, there's nothing wrong with that! People don't need to brag about how far they've gone!

By PureGold | 0

#87389 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:12

I wonder how old you are lol. There's nothing wrong with that...maybe they just happened to be particularly slutty girls?

By letitrockk | 0

#87416 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:18

lol, oh softball girls..

By kwbuzz23wk | 0

#87428 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:22

how many girls have you kissed?

and there has to be 1 that has done nothing with GUYS, althought they may have done more with girls...

and yes i did just stereotype the sport of softball

Reply

Giants2797 | 0

#1535401 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 2:23

win

By Tim_Otay | 0

#87431 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:23

Usually when they brag about it, it's because they haven't done it

By effmailyfe | 0

#87444 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:27

lYkE, zOmgGZz gUrlZ, i've TOATS frenched b4!