Work: Today, I had a meeting at work with my board of directors for... - FML

By Marie - United States

Today, I had a meeting at work with my board of directors for a potential promotion. When one of them told a joke, I politely let out an amused snort. Then, I noticed my director's white shirt and tie covered in red splatter. I nose bled all over the director of my company. FML

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Good kid

This Charming Man

Triage

By Anonymous

Outdoorsy romance

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind the lighthouse. FML

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By ThirteenThirteen - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I was sent the script to a play I'm participating in at school. After reading it a couple of times, I noticed that my part has been forgotten completely. FML

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By Hannah - United States

Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

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By what did I raise?! - 19/3/2021 06:01 - United States

Daddy's little girl

Today, my daughter asked to use my phone to find hers. Instead, she sent multiple messages to my boyfriend, trying to break up with him. When asked why she did it, she said it’s because she wants me to get back with her father. This would be somewhat understandable if she wasn’t 32 years-old. FML

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By Mr.P - United States

Today, I was just about to sit down to watch my favorite TV show when my dog jumped over the back of my couch, landed on my head and tried to jump through the window. I now have concussion and a window to replace, all because of a bird. FML

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By modprobs

Perfect timing...

Today, my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in months because we live in different countries, is coming to stay with me. I've been the picture of health for months, but today I woke up with my period, a terrible cold, and tooth pain from that root canal my dentist told me I didn't need a few years ago. FML

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By Anonymous

Grand Old Irony

Today, I asked my 'friend with benefits' if she'd consider actually dating me regularly. She said yes, but only if I joined the Republican Party, because she "would never date anyone who didn't fight for morality." FML

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By funnygirl018 - United States

Today, it was my very last day teaching my dance class. After the class ended, the owner of the studio started clapping and told all my students to give me a hug. No one hugged me. No one. FML

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By em - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk. As he got home he asked me to marry him, I was going to say yes until he said, "Oh wait, wrong woman." FML

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By Ahh - 14/8/2020 23:02

The curse

Today, as usual, my period cramps got go bad that I can't eat or drink without taking a pain killer, and end up puking and passing out if I take a pain killer before I eat. Here's to 30 smooth years yet to come. FML

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By misc - United States

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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By getafucktoysomewhereelsedude - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to listen to yet another delusional fuckface at school bitch about how a girl he's interested in put him in the "friend-zone". I really couldn't focus on my work, so I tried to shut him up by saying he's an idiot, not least because she already has a boyfriend. I now have a black eye. FML

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By dumb dancer - United States - Saginaw

Today, I injured my knee during dance class. When it started to feel a little bit better, I tried dancing again. I tripped, fell, and broke my wrist. FML

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By Maruska28

Today, we bought our first home after months of searching and years of saving. It's directly in the path of Hurricane Irma and may be destroyed before we even get the chance to move in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Appleton

Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML

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By Krissy - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of my car. After he finished he told me he felt like he was riding a seahorse. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I tripped in front of my graduation class of 225 and all of their relatives while receiving my diploma. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I offered to let my niece and brother stay at my apartment, as my brother was going through a rough divorce and had lost his job. After coming home from work, I found my niece had snapped all of my pencils and had ruined over ten years worth of artwork. FML

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By 3LLI0TT - United States

Today, I poured my heart out into what had to be my greatest set of lyrics for my band ever, at the same time my teacher was explaining chemical changes to the class. At the end of the lecture he picked up my paper, and set it on fire to demonstrate a chemical change. FML

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By devourer, apparently

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that I had grown on him. I thought it was cute, until he added, "like a flesh eating bacteria". FML

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By Shelly - United States

Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

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By jbthedude - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that airbags aren't nearly as comfy as they look. FML

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By Jason - United States

Today, I was finally able to hang out with a girl I really liked at a party. We had a great time and spent hours together. When I leaned in for a kiss at the end of the night, she stopped me and said that "you're a great guy, but we can't go out because you'll be bad for my social reputation." FML

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By Anonymous

Yappy neighborhood

Today, I don't think my neighbours realize that, by getting that dog they have been wanting, they ruined the peace and quiet of the entire neighbourhood, consisting of ten houses. I'm the person underneath whose window that dog barks every day - mostly when I'm either trying to fall asleep or wanting to sleep in. FML

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By emisara93 - United States

Today, I found out that the insurance that my husband signed us up with for next year doesn't cover any of our doctors. Now we need to find 4 different doctors who take our insurance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my 19 year old daughter is pregnant. The father is a toss up between my 45 year-old best friend, and the 30 year old guy who cleans our pool. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best guy friend, who I have loved for years. I was talking about school and all of a sudden he said "I love you." I flipped out saying "Oh my god, oh my god. I love you, too!" He responded with "what?" He was talking to his mom, who was walking out the door. FML

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By spougeineye1 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2020 10:57

Great first impression

Today, I finally spoke to a counsellor about my depression. As soon as the session started, I became so anxious that I could barely speak. Once the Zoom call was finished, I got the distinct impression that she thought I was mentally disabled. FML

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By iammike - United States

Today, I saw two cute girls walking my way as I was parking my car. Trying to impress them, I got out and attempted to coolly walk to the sidewalk. I tripped on the curb, scraped both my knees, and was laughed at all the way until I got back inside my car. FML

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By unsuckable - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my parents woke me up in the middle of the night when they got in a huge argument and started yelling at each other. I was up all night. They decided to make it up to each other. They kept me up all night again. FML

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By Well okay then - United States - Palmdale

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

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By lmiller - United States

Today, when I logged onto facebook, I discovered a friend request from my ex who broke up with me and deleted me months ago. Upon adding her, I was taken to her profile where I saw dozens of status updates talking about how much she loves her new boyfriend, who she dumped me for. FML

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By billjoebob424 - Canada

My pleasure

Today, I've realised that I give my girlfriend more pleasure with back rubs than with anything sexual. FML

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By maalmawr - United States - Dearborn

Today, a friend asked me to help him get rid of a girl who would't stop texting him. It worked perfectly. Now she's texting me nonstop. FML

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By JaneVI - United Kingdom

Today, I got an e-mail from my seminar tutor asking why I wasn't in class. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By Username

Today, my assistant manager was arguing with a customer. I interjected letting the customer know that "we want everything to be copacetic." After the customer left, I received a write up for using "big words." FML

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By Fox - United States

Today, while driving extremely fast on a road in the middle of nowhere, I started to go down a hill. Noticing a police car at the bottom, I slammed my brakes and blew a tire in the process. It turns out the police car was an old cutout used to trick people. FML

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Top comments

By danplusplus | 0

#284132 - Monday 8 June 2009 23:22

You've got red on you.

By blameyourself | 0

#284131 - Monday 8 June 2009 23:22

Maybe you shouldn't snort?

COMMENTS

By blameyourself | 0

#284131 - Monday 8 June 2009 23:22

Maybe you shouldn't snort?

Reply

NuTrees | 9

#3701372 - Thursday 8 December 2011 6:26

Oh come on it was a polite snort.

Reply

vehementbitch | 4

#5558750 - Sunday 30 June 2013 5:31

Op shouldve just giggled or something...

By danplusplus | 0

#284132 - Monday 8 June 2009 23:22

You've got red on you.

By dammn | 0

#284135 - Monday 8 June 2009 23:22

LOL , awwwww .

By DangerousBabee | 0

#284136 - Monday 8 June 2009 23:22

3rd! :D

By shawnarawwwrr | 0

#284138 - Monday 8 June 2009 23:24

THAT
IS
SO
AWKWARD

^^^ you fail.

By Stephai | 0

#284145 - Monday 8 June 2009 23:24

O_O That's gross... I feel bad for you.

Hopefully he'll look past the incident and focus on your talent?

By nwc020 | 0

#284148 - Monday 8 June 2009 23:25

#4 fails

By sparda4355 | 0

#284157 - Monday 8 June 2009 23:26

Awesome! Sniffle, walk away... He'll NEVER KNOW who did it! :)

By Gabby125 | 0

#284158 - Monday 8 June 2009 23:26

Something like this happened to me before, except it was an all white outfit I was trying on at Dillard's for a party that night. Got blood aaaaalllllll over it, and had to pay for it. Eff both of our lives.

By Button_x | 0

#284160 - Monday 8 June 2009 23:26

Oh jeeze I remember moderating this one too. XD

That would suck. In anime, getting a nosebleed means you're aroused! :D

>_> I don't see how that would help the situation any though.