Miscellaneous: Today, I had a completely improvised audition for the school... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a completely improvised audition for the school play. The director called me and one of the cutest guys auditioning to improvise an intimate scene. Knowing that I'm a complete klutz, I wasn't all that surprised when I tripped over my feet and landed with my face in his crotch. He was. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Serious times

Messed up

By DDubs - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that I have fallen for the most amazing girl. She's good looking, has a great personality, she's funny and is a hit with all my friends but she doesn't seem to realise she has a body odor problem. FML

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By acnebutt - United States

Today, thanks to my peripheral vision and a dropped mirror, I realized that I have horrible acne on my ass. FML

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By Anonymous

Loser

Today, the dog my now ex-boyfriend and I own together bit me bad enough that I needed stitches on my face and my hand... he then broke up with me and saying it was all too much for him and has kept the dog... FML

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By sistertaxi - Australia

Today, I had to pick my brother up from work because he broke down crying. I arrived to find that apparently, you can get so stoned that serving a pregnant woman at a fast food joint moves you to tears over the miracle of life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Logan

Today, I finally decided to stand up for myself and quit my crappy job working for my abusive father. I gave him a few insults too, to which he reacted by calling the police and claiming I'd threatened to murder him. I spent three hours in jail before they finally let me go. FML

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By screwyouchris - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that he sees no future with me. It's alright though, because he says we can still "coast along" until he meets someone else. FML

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By BK2017 - United States - Orlando

Today, after an extremely stressful day, I took a hot bath when I got home. I used my little sister's bubble bath to make it more enjoyable and relaxing. I then broke out in hives. I guess I'm allergic to bubble bath. FML

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By Apparentlycreepy - United States

Today, I got rejected by two different guys. One was my ex-boyfriend who said he wanted to keep our friendship, and the other was a guy I went on a date with who faked a European accent the whole time during our date despite him being born and raised in Texas. FML

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By helen

Today, I realized that I give the computer screen a thumbs up whenever I see something cool. I work on computers in front of people all day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I drove my truck into the garage for a couple of minor repairs. It was returned on a flatbed with a blown engine. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell asleep while watching a movie. My puppy took this opportunity to help himself to half a gallon of vegetable oil. FML

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By kinky pinky - 2/9/2020 05:02 - United States

Lowkey

Today, my husband threw a fit because I dyed my hair bright magenta. Funny, I actually dyed it three days ago. He literally just noticed. Shows how much attention he pays me. FML

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By thisisavirus.exe - United States - Sherwood

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML

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By clash - France

Today, I haven't had sex for so long that my condoms have gone off. FML

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By jend - United States

Today, I went into work happy about my supervising promotion. When I arrived at work, I realized that only one person had decided to come into work today, which meant I had to clean 15 rooms, and supervise myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was accepted to college and received a scholarship equal to almost half the tuition. After sharing this news with my parents, I spent the next 35 minutes getting yelled at about how I wasn't allowed to go there because my boyfriend might go there. FML

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By sigh - Australia - Rockdale

Today, my husband is sulking because he "can't" have sex with me. I've tried initiating things multiple times, but he keeps saying no, because I'm pregnant and he says it'd be exactly the same as having sex with his own kid. FML

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By Marty - United States

Today, I've gotten the most calls of my life. Turns out the idiot who changed the sign on my local Pizza Hut put up the wrong phone number. My phone number. I've already received 16 calls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML

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By megmo7 - United States

Today, my roommate who stays out til 4 or 5 in the morning each night got her key to the dorm fixed. I've been having to stay up nightly to let her in (my normal bedtime being 12:00) How'd they fix it? Turns out it was never broken she was just putting the key in the slot wrong. FML

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By lizzie - United States

Today, I was going to a talent show. On the way there, my car broke down, I lost my keys and managed to slam my hand in a window. I got there and waited in the theater for an hour before a janitor came by and said, "Show is tomorrow, lady." FML

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By anonymous

Today, I was on the train to work. I was up late the night before, causing me to doze off. When I woke up, I was at my station. I stood up, went to walk out of the door and fell flat on my face on a platform full of people. Someone had tied my shoelaces together. FML

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By ReComatosed242 - Bahamas - Eleuthera

Today, my co-worker and I got into an argument. It ended with him threatening me to roll my balls with a paint roller until they looked like "fresh, popping doughs". FML

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By smalls727

Today, I was at orientation for my new job. There were only 6 other people in the training. Throughout the whole entire training, I kept smelling cat urine and moving further away from the other person. Only to get in my car and realize my cat peed in my purse. FML

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By ashleeylynn - United States

Today, I got mugged. They wanted my phone and wallet. The most important thing in my wallet was my fully punched Smoothie King card. FML

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By NotAsToughAsHeThinks - United States

Captain Badass

Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML

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By [SiMON] - France

Today, I invited a girl I really like to spend the afternoon at my place. Everything went great... with my sister. They became really good friends, and me, well, I tried to alleviate my boredom in front of my computer. FML

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By Bekah - United States

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a completely random boner at a coffee shop, five seconds before two attractive women asked me to stand up and take their picture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Middleboro

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by handing me a ring and saying "Let's get this dumb shit over and done with." FML

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By kash - United States - Santa Clara

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend, when a guy pulled a knife and told us to hand over our money. My boyfriend blurted "I don't have shit, dude! She has tons of cash!" The moment the mugger turned to me, my boyfriend ran away at top speed. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2020 02:02

Denied

Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

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By UkuleleTime - United States - Garner

Today, after walking in on my roommate, I found out that pleasuring yourself with a shoe is a thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if the shoe hadn't been mine. FML

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By motherfuck666 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's mom got him a shitload of Axe for his birthday. Now I get nauseous whenever I go near him. FML

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By fudgydiaper22 - United States

Today, my dad attempted to fix a power outlet. He managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards, landing on top of me. I am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 02:04

Life imitates art

Today, I had to sit through the film The 40 Year Old Virgin with my friends, who thought it was hilarious. I'm well over 40 and also a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in a public toilet taking a dump. I then noticed someone trying to peep under the door, so I kicked them in the head as hard as I could. Turned out it was a 5-year-old looking for his parent. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I dropped the collection basket during Christmas Mass at my Catholic church. Money and checks fell all over the floor and everyone was staring at me. I was too stunned to even pick it up. There were about 1,500 people from our town there and my family won't stop bringing it up. FML

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By sleeplessinrichmond - United States - Bronx

Today, the guy on the floor above me decided it was time for a tuba jam session. Apparently optimal tuba time is 2am. FML

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Top comments

By oNikkio | 0

#799764 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:03

Nice way to break the ice.

By jf7609 | 0

#799752 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:54

ahhh hahaha! lucky him

COMMENTS

By jf7609 | 0

#799752 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:54

ahhh hahaha! lucky him

Reply

mlipro | 0

#801422 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 5:06

So the lead guy just goes up to the girl and makes up a pick up line and it ends up with her face on his cock? Sign me up.

Reply

jair_lhao | 0

#801799 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 10:28

you wernt surprise to land on his crotch sounds like u were aming for it lol

Reply

fatalkiss | 0

#934992 - Thursday 11 March 2010 5:29

lmao 54

Reply

Jenny_genie | 3

#1285247 - Sunday 22 August 2010 16:56

did you at least by him dinner?

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5329415 - Friday 18 January 2013 13:17

be like, "Is this intimate enough for you?"

By IHateNoobz | 0

#799755 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:56

Your fucking gay
You probably wanted your face in his crotch

Reply

Shadic | 0

#799768 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:08

Troll Attempt: 2/10

Reply

spitfire35 | 3

#799795 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:32

The OP's a girl, idiot.

Reply

ipodwave | 0

#799865 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 13:20

lmao you hate noobs?(yourself). loser troll

Reply

infiniti_G | 0

#800287 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 17:37

BRO DAS NOT RIGHT

Reply

hypergal | 1

#800906 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 0:28

shadic ur hott! :P

Reply

blackmystry | 0

#804526 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:24

btard

By HanaxD | 0

#799756 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:57

Lmao. xD

Reply

goodoldave | 17

#3943345 - Thursday 26 January 2012 1:22

Time to practice your intimacy roll lmao

By ilovebradiew | 0

#799763 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:02

He was? ahahahjaha

By oNikkio | 0

#799764 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:03

Nice way to break the ice.

Reply

daflyinhawaiian | 0

#800741 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 23:04

^ agreed.

By neverminddd | 0

#799776 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:16

Yeah, you're a little clumsy...

By raedon | 0

#799789 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:27

did you get the part

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#799790 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:28

win

By Roseicat | 16

#799793 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:30

Maybe it will get you extra credit :L

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#801137 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 2:41

yeah he was on right?

By lexie206 | 0

#799797 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:35

maybe it was the good kind of surprised?

Reply

Sionnach | 10

#799858 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 13:13

That's what I was thinking. Surprised, sure, but not necessarily offended.

Reply

Moemoemoe_fml | 0

#800422 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 19:04

Heads are heavy, and one slamming into your crotch is never a pleasant surprise. XD

Reply

Awesome58422599 | 19

#5936766 - Tuesday 6 May 2014 20:32

Speaking from experience?

By Scourge87 | 0

#799839 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:53

Talk about a violent way to hit on someone eh ;D

Then again, that is not the kind of predisposition a guy would usually complain about, no biggie.