Today, I had a completely improvised audition for the school... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a completely improvised audition for the school play. The director called me and one of the cutest guys auditioning to improvise an intimate scene. Knowing that I'm a complete klutz, I wasn't all that surprised when I tripped over my feet and landed with my face in his crotch. He was. FML

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There's no helping some people

Vibe check

Booty pic

By Anonymous - United States - Chicopee

Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML

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By fml9124

Does she really love me?

Today, my wife and I watch the Chargers play the Packers. Philip Rivers is the Chargers quarterback. Out of the blue, my wife says "Philip is a stupid name." My middle name is Philip. We have been married 32 years. FML

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By Thanks Babe - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up feeling awful, having caught the same illness my boyfriend had last night. When he was sick, I skipped my friend's baby shower to take care of him. Now that I'm sick, he goes to a friend's place, says to call if I need him, then turns his phone off. Seriously. FML

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By lillymean - United Kingdom

Today, I reached a new low in my relationship: my boyfriend got so drunk I had to help him take a piss. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 11:02

Conspiracies claim another victim

Today, after learning that "phones are tracking you" and that "Google is spying on you" from some shady website, my son destroyed all our phones and computers. FML

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By OnPlanetVenus - United States - Hallam

Today, I discovered that when my husband agreed to donate sperm so an infertile friend and his wife could have children, there was nothing "artificial" about the insemination. FML

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By bride2be - United States

Today, I received my first wedding present in the mail. I opened it immediately and called the sender to say thanks. She yelled at me for opening it and, because she shipped it to me by mistake, requested it back. FML

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By How

Today, I received a letter from my apartment complex saying I have an unauthorized tenant living with me. I must provide proof they don't live with me in the next 72 hours or I get kicked out. Nobody lives with me, and I don't know how to prove it. FML

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By Yohm - France

Today, I’m starting my 28th year with 28 cents on my bank account. FML

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By chloeleigholivia - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, being the clean freak that I am, I bought an expensive pair of 'mop socks'. As I walked upstairs to show everyone, I slipped on the corner of the bottom step and landed on my face, breaking my toe in the process. FML

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By skyphoenix - United States

Today, I went on a trip with some people from work to watch a baseball game. Halfway through the game, one of my managers shook my hand and said "Nice to Meet You." I've been working there for 3 months. FML

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By lifesux - South Africa

Today, my mom and I were escorted out of the KFC because my mom tried to mug and pick a fight with another customer. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dog had diarrhea in his cage. While I was carrying his dirty bed downstairs to the washer, he ran by and tripped me. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Gorey

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

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By ineedaraise - Canada - London

Today, after nearly two months of working at my new job, one of my co-workers finally explained to me that the list of tasks that our boss gives me every day are actually HER duties, and as I complete them, she just sits in her office and watches Netflix. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evanston

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

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By Anonymous

Some people are just lazy

Today, while working, I saw a man napping under a tree. He was still there 3 hours later. Turns out he was dead. FML

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By sicksicksick - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

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By Casuallydying

Today, I went into my boss's office to confront her about not consulting me before switching my shifts with someone else. I left in tears. FML

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By EllieJ

Today, I opened a cupboard and a brick fell on my head. The same brick my mum put up there to "keep it out of the way". FML

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By dork - United States

Today, I was at dinner with my boyfriend and his family. We were talking about relationships, and I commented on how online dating was the dumbest thing ever. His mom and step-dad went on to tell me how they had met through an online dating service. FML

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By unknown52 - Netherlands

Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML

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By fmlgirl - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

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By fmlifer - United States

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the cheek at school. I missed, and walked away awkwardly. Later on, a teacher stopped me and told me how bad I failed. FML

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By Justinthebox

Today, my 5-year-old son made a drawing of our living room, with the addition of an apparition and the text, "I can see you. Daddy doesn't see you. Who are you?" FML

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By tsunami

Time to move out!

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

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By crankg - United States

Today, my roomie had guests over. I didn't feel like socializing, but I really had to piss. So I pissed in the plant in my room, spilled half of it, mopped it up with an old shirt, and went to bed. FML

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By bri_sci94 - United States - Madison

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up. He greeted me with a winning smile, a belch, and the words, "Nice tits." I'm beginning to lose hope. FML

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By Conor Moreau - 18/8/2020 23:02

Parental approval

Today, I left my favorite hoodie in the kitchen. Not 5 seconds after I left the kitchen to go to my room, I overheard my dad say, "Any chance we can just throw that out before he notices?" FML

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By fbcaught - United States

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

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By Sprtsgeek13 - United States - Camden

Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects. FML

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By Msmerfner - United States - Hemet

Today, I was trying to be sexy in the bathtub for my boyfriend. I leaned back and caught my hair on fire with the candle. FML

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By TheLoneSoul - France

Today, I received a call from my wife. It would've been great if she hadn't left on a business trip 3 years ago. FML

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By blonde - Australia

Today, I saw a crash on the highway. The police weren't yet there, so I pulled over to help because I know CPR. No one needed CPR, but I had locked myself out of my car. My roadside assist won't come to highways, so I had to get towed away in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous

Family coincidence

Today with a DNA test, I found out that my husband is my half brother. 30 years ago his father made a donation to the sperm bank my mother used, and I’m the result. To make matters worse, I’m pregnant. FML

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By sam - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to do something fun and spontaneous, so we had sex in the disabled toilet in the shopping centre. Little did we know, the male AND female toilets were conveniently being cleaned at the time, so the only toilet open was the disabled one. Walk of shame. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I overheard my friends laughing about how my anxiety means I'll be single forever. I was too anxious to confront them. FML

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By Wendie - United States

Today, my 5 week old puppy decided to sleep between my head and the headboard of my bed. I sneezed and my puppy got so scared it caused him to pee on me. FML

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By ihatelaura - United States

Today, I had to clean my boyfriend's puke off of our bed. Last night he ditched me to go out partying, came home, threw up, and passed out. He thinks it's only fair I clean up today because he's "not feeling well". FML

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Top comments

By oNikkio | 0

#799764 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:03

Nice way to break the ice.

By jf7609 | 0

#799752 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:54

ahhh hahaha! lucky him

COMMENTS

By jf7609 | 0

#799752 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:54

ahhh hahaha! lucky him

Reply

mlipro | 0

#801422 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 5:06

So the lead guy just goes up to the girl and makes up a pick up line and it ends up with her face on his cock? Sign me up.

Reply

jair_lhao | 0

#801799 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 10:28

you wernt surprise to land on his crotch sounds like u were aming for it lol

Reply

fatalkiss | 0

#934992 - Thursday 11 March 2010 5:29

lmao 54

Reply

Jenny_genie | 3

#1285247 - Sunday 22 August 2010 16:56

did you at least by him dinner?

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5329415 - Friday 18 January 2013 13:17

be like, "Is this intimate enough for you?"

By IHateNoobz | 0

#799755 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:56

Your fucking gay
You probably wanted your face in his crotch

Reply

Shadic | 0

#799768 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:08

Troll Attempt: 2/10

Reply

spitfire35 | 3

#799795 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:32

The OP's a girl, idiot.

Reply

ipodwave | 0

#799865 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 13:20

lmao you hate noobs?(yourself). loser troll

Reply

#800287 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 17:37

BRO DAS NOT RIGHT

Reply

hypergal | 1

#800906 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 0:28

shadic ur hott! :P

Reply

blackmystry | 0

#804526 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:24

btard

By HanaxD | 0

#799756 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:57

Lmao. xD

Reply

goodoldave | 17

#3943345 - Thursday 26 January 2012 1:22

Time to practice your intimacy roll lmao

By ilovebradiew | 0

#799763 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:02

He was? ahahahjaha

By oNikkio | 0

#799764 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:03

Nice way to break the ice.

Reply

daflyinhawaiian | 0

#800741 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 23:04

^ agreed.

By neverminddd | 0

#799776 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:16

Yeah, you're a little clumsy...

By raedon | 0

#799789 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:27

did you get the part

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#799790 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:28

win

By Roseicat | 16

#799793 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:30

Maybe it will get you extra credit :L

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#801137 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 2:41

yeah he was on right?

By lexie206 | 0

#799797 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:35

maybe it was the good kind of surprised?

Reply

Sionnach | 10

#799858 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 13:13

That's what I was thinking. Surprised, sure, but not necessarily offended.

Reply

Moemoemoe_fml | 0

#800422 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 19:04

Heads are heavy, and one slamming into your crotch is never a pleasant surprise. XD

Reply

Awesome58422599 | 19

#5936766 - Tuesday 6 May 2014 20:32

Speaking from experience?

By Scourge87 | 0

#799839 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:53

Talk about a violent way to hit on someone eh ;D

Then again, that is not the kind of predisposition a guy would usually complain about, no biggie.