Animals: Today, I got back from a two-week vacation. During my vacation,...

By chuchundra - United States

Today, I got back from a two-week vacation. During my vacation, I had a friend from work watch my puppy. My puppy now likes him more than me, and won't stop whining sadly since he left. FML

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Animals

Good kid

Be the hero

WHERE IS IT?

By Perry85

Cloud Cuckooland

Today, my girlfriend's husband heard us having sex, but he's so naive, he believed her when she said we were just watching porn. FML

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By doglove

Hey, it's the Christmas card dude!

Today, I was looking through old childhood pictures for my father's funeral and I found one of our old Christmas cards. I looked at it and noticed in the background our two dogs enjoying very spirited sex. FML

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By scared shitless - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML

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By Toolate

Today, after having gone off the pill a couple of weeks ago, I finally got my old friskiness back only to find part of a condom wrapper in my husband's pocket. Turns out he was impatient and went elsewhere. FML

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By Chesty Larue - United States

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2020 01:01 - United States - Saint Joseph

Stranded

Today, my husband found out that not only has he tested positive for influenza A, but also has tested positive for Covid 19. My work won't let me return until I have isolated for 14 days from someone with Covid. Our house is really small. FML

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779

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By cnkk07 - United States

Today, my dad used the stove to boil water. Unfortunately, he turned the wrong burner on, setting the smoke alarm off. What's worse was the smell of burning plastic that came from the coffeemaker being melted down. It's been over an hour, and my eyes still burn like hell when I walk into the kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Camberwell

Today, the man who tried to mug me sent me a friend request on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

That was quick

Today, while trying to rouse my sleeping boyfriend for some morning sex, he came. FML

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By b.fritz - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went on my first date in months. My mum had invited friends over, and when I told them I was going out on a date, my mum said "No you're not, don't lie. Who would go out with you?" FML

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By officeditz - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, my District Manager was impressed by all the appointments in my upcoming calendar. Bubbling with pride, I blurted out "Oh, I just love to have all my slots filled!" The awkward silence was only broken by "That's what she said!" from the next cubicle. FML

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By Tanisha Skye Regeling

Night terrors

Today, I woke up with a headache and a bruised forehead after my husband full-force elbowed me in the head last night in his sleep. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact he has zero memory of doing it. FML

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1344

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By Snowzies - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing really badly, so my boss said that everyone who drove to work could leave. But because I got the bus in, she said that I should stay and do a full day. By the time she eventually decided it was bad enough for me to leave, the buses were cancelled. FML

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By dontpeeonmenxtime - United States

Today, I woke up to slight memory of my boyfriend leaving for work an hour earlier than originally planned due to "excessive sweat" in my bed. When I removed my sheets and took in a deep whiff, my olfactory receptors instantly knew that his so called "sweat" was actually his urine. FML

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By DogeToTheMoon - 29/5/2021 23:01 - United States - Schertz

Piece of piss

Today, I wanted to either say, "I already did it, sweetheart" or "I already did it, baby" to my SO, but my brain had other plans. I started to say ,“I already did it, sweet baby” but I got to "sweet" and in a millisecond mentally switched words, so what I ended up saying was, "I already did it sweet peepee." FML

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668

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By Creeped - United States

Today, I'm hiding from my creepy next-door neighbor. She constantly trash-talks my partner of two years, she's mentally unstable, looks to me for support, has a raging crush on me, and she drunkenly tried to make out with me last weekend. I'm two months older than her daughter. FML

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24735

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By BS2280

Relationships sink

Today, my wife told me that she isn't in a place where she can have a physical relationship, that if I want us to have a physical relationship, then we need to start from the bottom up, and work on building a friendship. I'm like, we've been married 15 years, and we're not even friends? FML

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3017

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By louise - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Skype with the guy I like. After a while of being on Facebook I forgot I was on webcam to him and started picking my nose. He ended the call. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southfield

Today, the person I've been trying so hard to get with wrote me a beautiful poem that almost everyone at my school saw and liked. It was about how we'd never be together. FML

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By Dee - United States

Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML

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By unemployed - United States - The Colony

Today, the store I work at got shut down and I got let go. Three days ago I got a promotion and a raise. FML

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By NJ <3 - United States

Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML

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By RitaDahhlinnnng - United States

Today, I had my first real date with my first serious boyfriend. I was nervous because from past experience. I learned my lips were a bit ticklish and I usually giggled a bit during kissing. Well, we started making out and I thought was I doing pretty good hiding my laughs. Until I wet myself. FML

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By bingalingading - United States - Owosso

Today, my fiancée and I were making plans for our wedding when my soon-to-be mother-in-law chimed in with, "You know, she can still get out of this. I got the dress for her but we can save it for the next guy." I'm not sure if she's joking or not. FML

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By stargate25 - United States - Denver

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

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By PicklesMcRaptor - United States - Miami

Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school were walking towards me on the sidewalk. I thought it would be appropriate to wave and give a smile. My dog thought it would be appropriate to viciously bark at and mount one of the girls. FML

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By thanks a lot asshole - 26/9/2020 17:02 - United States

One law for thee, another for me

Today, I went to visit my father. His new wife has hoarded out our childhood home nearly to the point of it being unliveable. That’s pretty funny, considering my dad used to literally beat us if our rooms weren’t clean or we left dishes in the sink. FML

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By AppState - United States

Today, my dad had gotten a new cell phone. So I started to mess around with the cool features on his phone and stumbled upon some pictures he had taken. Next thing I know I'm looking at my mom going down on my dad. FML

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By lani - 24/5/2021 00:00

Dream baby dream

Today, and since I decided to cut back on unhealthy foods, my last five dreams were literally just slideshows of junk food. FML

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By lobotomy pls - United States - Tappahannock

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

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By phonebaby - United States - Stamford

Today, my friend asked me to order take out for him because he gets nervous on phones. I called a chinese restaurant, only to get nervous and hang up. FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Szeged

Today, while at church, I received a text from my girlfriend, saying, "It's not working. We're over." Not only was my phone not on silent mode, I was sitting directly beside my now ex-girlfriend. FML

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By CassafrasSss - United States - Naperville

Today, after months of hard work, planning, and preparation, I held the reception for my first art show at a gallery. Nobody showed up. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my music students began a lively debate about whether or not a music stand would make a good weapon for the zombie apocalypse. What am I teaching them? FML

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By minecraftwilldie - United States

Today, I gave my husband an ultimatum: either he could have sex with me or play Minecraft. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the evening playing Minecraft. FML

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By notworthy - New Zealand

Today, I found the Christmas 'newsletter' my mom sends out every year to our extended family and friends that details our activities and achievements of the past year. I wasn't mentioned once. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me a magic trick. He filled a bowl with wine, pushed it on top of the ceiling using a broom stick, and held it up there. He told me to hold it and left. Taking my hands off the broomstick would cause the bowl to fall on my expensive new suit. Eventually, it did. FML

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31095

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

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Top comments

By julian0605 | 9

#5879757 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:50

I thinks its normal my dog loves other people when their at my house but when they leave he loves me again. Dogs use us

By BassTurdo | 22

#5879758 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:50

Puppy love

COMMENTS

By julian0605 | 9

#5879757 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:50

I thinks its normal my dog loves other people when their at my house but when they leave he loves me again. Dogs use us

IAmNotAnAnimal | 9

#5879815 - Sunday 9 March 2014 3:17

Maybe the dog is whining out of joy because he's so happy to see you, he's just overwhelmed with happiness.

warsun | 27

#5879894 - Sunday 9 March 2014 5:18

Have you ever heard a puppy whine? It's the most depressing thing ever D:

buttcramp | 21

#5879903 - Sunday 9 March 2014 5:24

be happy your pup made a friend! try to engage your dog with play or treats and maybe the pup will come around!

GraceyBlueEyes | 13

#5880092 - Sunday 9 March 2014 12:06

perhaps you shouldn't get a puppy right before your holiday.

Alm1ghty_Push | 15

#6499308 - Saturday 2 January 2016 6:58

They're*

By BassTurdo | 22

#5879758 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:50

Puppy love

DippinGrizzly907 | 27

#5879851 - Sunday 9 March 2014 4:07

"Puppy love"
Reminds me of high school haha

By ZY1431 | 24

#5879768 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:52

give the puppy some time. im sure things will be fine

DippinGrizzly907 | 27

#5879852 - Sunday 9 March 2014 4:08

Serious relationship advice regarding the love of your puppy haha

By not_happening | 11

#5879770 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:52

Time to break out the dog treats!

By beaverteaser | 16

#5879779 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:55

well atleast it was just the dog and not your kid

AnOriginalName | 19

#5880006 - Sunday 9 March 2014 8:29

53,itsprettyeasytoaccidentalkyskipthespacebarwhiletypingquickly.

Nilorak | 24

#5880019 - Sunday 9 March 2014 8:46

Calmdown.

Douchbag_fml | 4

#5880020 - Sunday 9 March 2014 8:46

Well none of your business dude. You don't own FML. They have the rights to type what they want. Not for you to control dude.

beaverteaser | 16

#5880230 - Sunday 9 March 2014 17:02

sorry sir i will make sure i check my spelling every time I see the grammar nazi on duty

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#5879781 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:55

Some dogs seem to go crazy over visitors. Just give it some time and your puppy will be all good.

By cleary30 | 13

#5879782 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:56

Dogs just love people. Maybe he played with the dog more than you do?

By thefmlcounter | 1

#5879784 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:56

Don't sweat it. Just work on getting the puppy to love you more again by constally being with him or her

RenoTheRhino | 30

#5879794 - Sunday 9 March 2014 3:00

*constantly. Sorry, I had to.

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#5879785 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:57

Give your puppy some treats and cuddle! Hopefully, he'll warm back up to you.

By lotr4 | 18

#5879787 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:58

It's like that sponge bob episode where Gary likes Patrick more, but it was only for the cookie :)

hellnosucka | 27

#5879969 - Sunday 9 March 2014 6:58

yes. maybe OP should check their friends pockets for cookies.