Today, I got back from a two-week vacation. During my vacation,...

By chuchundra - United States

Today, I got back from a two-week vacation. During my vacation, I had a friend from work watch my puppy. My puppy now likes him more than me, and won't stop whining sadly since he left. FML

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Animals

Season finale

Freak out

Persona non grata

By tacoboy27 - United States

Today, I found out that my father has taken my copy of Modern Warfare 3, and re-wrapped it as a Christmas present. FML

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By haunted - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking to the kitchen in the dark. Something caught my eye and I turned to see a man standing in the corner, clear as day. I jumped and closed my eyes for a split second. When I opened them, he was nowhere to be seen. I'm now terrified to live in my own home. FML

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By Unluggee - United Kingdom

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

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By littlespoon - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be a funny idea to spray me with a hose while I was holding a kitten, showing her how cute we were. Needless to say, now I'm covered head to toe in cat scratches. FML

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By coloneltushfinger

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to pick up my brother and his girlfriend from the bar at 2:00am because they were too drunk to drive themselves and had no money for an Uber. Five minutes into the ride, they started going at it in the back of my new car. I don't think I'll be doing favors again. FML

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By uugnfg - United States

Today, I was doing a job for some people on my street cutting their bushes. After I had finished and went to get my pay, I realized I had gone to the wrong house. They called the police. FML

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By Shameonme - Morocco

Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML

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By Cacahuete - France - Villejuif

Today, a DJ friend of mine offered me a part in one of his tracks. I was flattered, and accepted. All I ended up singing was, "I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch" over and over again in the background. FML

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By soapysoap - United States

Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marietta

Today, I got screamed at by a woman at work for feeding her 3-week-old infant formula instead of the bottled Kool-Aid that she packed. FML

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By oh my soul

Today, it's been 1 month since I've accepted that I'm gay, 1 week since telling my strict, southern baptist, bible-thumping parents, 1 day since my mom stopped crying and my dad finally spoke to me, and 1 hour since discovering that I'm pregnant. FML

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By n_london - United States

Today, I was carrying several bags of groceries up the stairs to my 3rd story apartment when I saw a giant rat climbing down the wall towards me. I screamed and dropped my groceries, which went over the rail and landed on the bottom floor, destroying them all. The rat? Just a big leaf. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murrieta

Today, I noticed that my penis looks tiny in my girlfriend's hands. Without thinking, I pointed it out to her. Now she thinks I have a small cock, and I think she has man-hands. Either way, we're both turned off. FML

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By skunked - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was visiting my childhood home, and I checked out my old treehouse. A family of skunks had made it their home, and I was promptly sprayed upon entering. FML

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By not as easy as pie - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk and had swerved because I was eating pie and almost dropped it. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was asked how far I've gone with a guy. My answer? Eye contact. I'm 19. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw a creepy guy grab a woman's ass on the bus, so I caught his arm and put him in an arm lock, only for the woman to hit me in the head with her handbag. Turns out they were a married couple on their way home to have sex, and who couldn't resist a quick grope during the journey. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my mom talking on the phone with my sister about how much they hate my fiancé. My wedding is in two weeks and my family has been pretending to like my future husband for three years. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that the gong my job installed less than 30 feet from my desk is being moved, due to noise complaints. To the office building I'm moving to in a few weeks. FML

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By saddude - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML

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By anon - United States

Today, while babysitting, I made the kids and myself peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When their parents came home, their dad took out the same container of peanut butter I had used and let their dog lick out of it. FML

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By moron - United Kingdom

Today, I dropped my hair straightener. The good news is I caught it. The bad news is I caught it by the iron itself. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Storfors

Today, my brother tried to convince me to get a clitoris piercing at his recently opened piercing studio. FML

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By but why

Today, when it started raining, I remembered that I'd left my kitchen windows open. I hurried to close them, but slipped in a huge puddle and slid into the wall, making a huge hole in it with my knee. FML

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By depraved - United States

Today, taking the train to work after the worst hangover ever, two immense fat women start talking about rim jobs. I got up to switch cabins just in time for their conversation to switch over to RECEIVING rim jobs. I sprayed puke all over myself and an innocent bystander. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while shopping with my sister, she asked me to wait for her while she quickly said hello to a friend. I sat on a bench for an hour before I realised she wasn't coming back. Turns out "hello" had turned into a date. FML

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By Diffy - United States - Woburn

Today, as I was crossing an intersection, a car ran a red light and almost hit me. This kind of thing happens a lot in my town so I'm used to almost being run-down, except this time it was a small boy on his father's lap steering. The dad was laughing. FML

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By halloweensucks - United States

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Szeged

Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML

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By hellogoodbye - Canada

Today, at work my arms were full. I needed to get the door open, so instead of pushing the swing door open with my shoulder, I kicked it open with my foot. Right into my manager's face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

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By hitmutefirst - United States

Today, I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 14:00

Sharing is caring

Today, nine months after changing my entire life when my father had a stroke and I became his carer full time, I called my sister to talk about some his irrational behavior. All I got in response was, "I just watched a sad movie, I can't deal with this right now." FML

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By wtf did I do - United States

Today, I went to help a friend move into her new apartment. We were half-way through when it started to rain, and in my anger I yelled that it's like these things happen just to annoy me. Then we heard the tornado sirens. FML

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By LifeLikeLemons - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got rear-ended trying to move off the road because I heard a police siren. It was the radio. FML

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By Drunk - United States

Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk. FML

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By Salaryman - Philippines

Today, I was instructed by my boss to welcome the 2 new foreign business partners since I am the only one who could speak their language. When they arrived I greeted them in their language. One of them scratched his head and asked his companion in plain and clear English, "What did he say?" FML

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By soembarassed - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Movie going

Today, a man kept talking and laughing like an idiot all through the movie I was watching. I thought he was high, so I called him a moron and told him to shut the hell up. It turned out he wasn't high. He was just "special". FML

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Top comments

By julian0605 | 9

#5879757 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:50

I thinks its normal my dog loves other people when their at my house but when they leave he loves me again. Dogs use us

By BassTurdo | 22

#5879758 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:50

Puppy love

COMMENTS

By julian0605 | 9

#5879757 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:50

I thinks its normal my dog loves other people when their at my house but when they leave he loves me again. Dogs use us

IAmNotAnAnimal | 9

#5879815 - Sunday 9 March 2014 3:17

Maybe the dog is whining out of joy because he's so happy to see you, he's just overwhelmed with happiness.

warsun | 27

#5879894 - Sunday 9 March 2014 5:18

Have you ever heard a puppy whine? It's the most depressing thing ever D:

buttcramp | 21

#5879903 - Sunday 9 March 2014 5:24

be happy your pup made a friend! try to engage your dog with play or treats and maybe the pup will come around!

GraceyBlueEyes | 13

#5880092 - Sunday 9 March 2014 12:06

perhaps you shouldn't get a puppy right before your holiday.

Alm1ghty_Push | 15

#6499308 - Saturday 2 January 2016 6:58

They're*

By BassTurdo | 22

#5879758 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:50

Puppy love

DippinGrizzly907 | 27

#5879851 - Sunday 9 March 2014 4:07

"Puppy love"
Reminds me of high school haha

By ZY1431 | 24

#5879768 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:52

give the puppy some time. im sure things will be fine

DippinGrizzly907 | 27

#5879852 - Sunday 9 March 2014 4:08

Serious relationship advice regarding the love of your puppy haha

By not_happening | 11

#5879770 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:52

Time to break out the dog treats!

By beaverteaser | 16

#5879779 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:55

well atleast it was just the dog and not your kid

AnOriginalName | 19

#5880006 - Sunday 9 March 2014 8:29

53,itsprettyeasytoaccidentalkyskipthespacebarwhiletypingquickly.

Nilorak | 24

#5880019 - Sunday 9 March 2014 8:46

Calmdown.

Douchbag_fml | 4

#5880020 - Sunday 9 March 2014 8:46

Well none of your business dude. You don't own FML. They have the rights to type what they want. Not for you to control dude.

beaverteaser | 16

#5880230 - Sunday 9 March 2014 17:02

sorry sir i will make sure i check my spelling every time I see the grammar nazi on duty

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#5879781 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:55

Some dogs seem to go crazy over visitors. Just give it some time and your puppy will be all good.

By cleary30 | 13

#5879782 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:56

Dogs just love people. Maybe he played with the dog more than you do?

By thefmlcounter | 1

#5879784 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:56

Don't sweat it. Just work on getting the puppy to love you more again by constally being with him or her

RenoTheRhino | 30

#5879794 - Sunday 9 March 2014 3:00

*constantly. Sorry, I had to.

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#5879785 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:57

Give your puppy some treats and cuddle! Hopefully, he'll warm back up to you.

By lotr4 | 18

#5879787 - Sunday 9 March 2014 2:58

It's like that sponge bob episode where Gary likes Patrick more, but it was only for the cookie :)

hellnosucka | 27

#5879969 - Sunday 9 March 2014 6:58

yes. maybe OP should check their friends pockets for cookies.