Today, I got a speeding ticket. My speedometer got busted a few... - FML

By ZThirteen - 25/10/2009 10:08 - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket. My speedometer got busted a few weeks back, rendering it useless. My father, a former mechanic, decided it's not worth the trouble of going in and fixing it. "Just keep with traffic when you're on the highway; you'll be fine." This $150 fee says otherwise. FML

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The student becomes the master

Weird kid

Hello everyone!

By -- - 15/10/2011 23:40 - Canada

Today, I was kicked out of the mall along with a bunch of my friends, sworn at by the security guards, and personally escorted all the way to the sidewalk, only to find out we'd been mistaken for another group of people. FML

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By frenchienyx - 13/5/2019 00:00

Today, I was in Brooklyn for a meeting. I parked my car but my iPhone didn’t save my location. Where is my car? Called NYPD. No car towed. I had to walk 3 hours in the rain to find it thanks to the “Panic” button. So glad I found my car, but the “Loud Panic” button didn’t want to stop for an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 14:35 - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

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By wooowmom - 5/6/2011 01:10 - Canada

Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2014 22:18 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I finally told my dad that I hate his girlfriend. I said her daughter's a complete whore, and her son is annoying as fuck. Turns out they were in the house and within earshot, ready to throw me a birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2016 05:13 - United States - Boise

Today, my cat brought home a bloody, barely-living mouse. The thing managed to escape and dragged itself into a crack in the wall, where it must have died. The only way to get it out before it starts to stink up the place is by demolishing the wall. FML

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By virgo - 30/1/2010 06:50 - France

Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make me feel better. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 11:41 - United States - Mechanicsville

Today, I had to bail my son out of jail, because he's a pansy and wouldn't last a night in there. His crime: pissing through the open windows of passing cars after losing a bet with his friends. I feel like if he gave me grandkids, they'd be born with half a brain. FML

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By Thanks guys - 26/11/2013 05:21 - United States - Richmond

Today, I logged onto Facebook to see one of my "friends" had used my account to post a coming-out story. It had comments on it such as "I knew it!" "Finally." and "That explains so much." FML

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By Taylor - 15/7/2012 14:42 - United States - Eastchester

Today, I shaved my legs for the first time in three weeks. It took half an hour, three disposable razors, and I cut my legs up so badly they look worse then they did when they were hairy. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 00:00 - United States - Grove City

Today, a childhood friend reached out to me to apologize for our friendship. He was obviously drunk, and admitted that his parents made him become friends with me so that my dad, their landlord, would be easy on them when the rent was short after his mom lost her job. He said he never really liked me and called me a nerd, before hanging up. FML

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By urinanalysis - 3/12/2009 16:08 - Canada

Today, I went to get blood and urine tests done before work. As I was attempting to aim into the cup, I lost balance and slipped. I ended up peeing on my sleeves and my pants. I was late for work and I smelled like pee. FML

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By number2 - 18/10/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, my phone pocket dialed my boss's cell. He was in the next stall. He answered. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2013 00:56 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband reacted by going out and smoking weed, then getting completely shitfaced, and having his buddies drag his nearly-comatose carcass back home from a strip club. FML

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By OhCanada - 22/7/2019 20:00

Today, my downstairs neighbor is single, clever and incredibly hot, while the upstairs neighbor is loud and obnoxious, not to mention a creep. I silently prayed every day for my neighbor to leave the building, and today, my prayer was answered: my neighbor moved out. Guess which one. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 18:00

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend. She dumped me because she was moving to Wyoming. I guess Wyoming is code for my friend's apartment. FML

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By alynn - 29/5/2009 13:59 - United States

Today, I moved out of my apartment and thought it would be nice to leave the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom for the next tenant. I later got a notice from the management that I was being charged $50 for leaving behind "personal items." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2013 01:33 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor is running a business out of her apartment. Or I should say, her pimp is. FML

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By fatgirl4 - 20/7/2009 23:31 - United States

Today, I was at the gym running with intensity on the treadmill. As I was working out, I noticed a few guys behind me staring at me. I figured they were checking me out because I was losing some weight and looking better. Turns out they were betting on how much longer "Fat Ass" could last. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2011 02:59 - United States

Today, after lifting a 20 pound box of oranges for a woman at work, she turned around to say "Your acne needs help." I still had to tell her to have a good day. FML

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By whoops - 29/6/2014 20:37 - United States - Hicksville

Today, my mom told me to take out the trash. I thought it would be a good idea to Hulk-smash it into the can. I missed. The bag ripped and garbage flew everywhere. FML

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By anonymous - 12/12/2014 01:17 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend compared my boobs to a flat tire. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2013 18:07 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I woke up to a flooded basement. That basement is my bedroom, so I'm completely surrounded by water. All I need is a tiger and this would be like The Life of Pi. FML

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By beagle1 - 3/4/2012 15:10 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I met separately with the President and Chairman of the company regarding a product that I'm designing. Each ordered me to do the opposite of whatever the other instructed. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2015 15:20 - United States

Today, just as I was putting my contacts in, a gnat landed on it. Its guts got squished between my eyeball and the contact. FML

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By anonymous - 16/7/2011 13:18 - Canada

Today, I was on a hot date. After we finished supper we went back to his place. My stomach started to feel upset so I politely asked where is bathroom was so I could "powder my nose". After ten minutes of agonizing diarrhea, I looked down and noticed he was out of toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 05:10

Today, I finally got a promotion at work. Today I also found out that no matter how long I work, no matter how much effort and unpaid overtime I put in for 6 years, my coworkers will be convinced I only got promoted because I'm the CFO's son. FML

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By bitchasshonky - 11/8/2010 04:09 - France

Today, I had a fancy dinner date with a really hot guy. Near the end of our meal, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place. As soon as we walked in the door, he started a religious debate with his room mate. It's been 45 minutes and its still going. FML

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By Angry and Confused - 29/6/2013 09:55 - United States - Reno

Today, my house was broken into. The burglar didn't steal my brand new laptop, iPad or TV. They instead made off with every single item of clothing I own. When I went to turn on my TV to try and distract myself from this, I found all of the cables in back missing. The police don't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2013 06:02 - Norway

Today, during a job interview, I was offered a sandwich. I politely declined, explaining that I'm a coeliac and would probably get very sick. He said coeliac disease "isn't real" and that gluten-free eating is just a fad. I had to leave when he kept pushing me to accept it. FML

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By oddbrien - 13/12/2016 03:34 - United States - Baltimore

Today, while at the club, I started dancing with a girl who I had noticed throughout the night. When she turned around she firmly stated, "I'd much rather dance by myself". FML

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By rogerusmc23 - 24/5/2011 02:41 - Japan

Today, while all the other marines got to fly around the island on a helicopter, I got stuck on gear guard. What was I guarding? The staff sergeant's parking spot. FML

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By matiasbarbero - 16/2/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, a black cat crossed in front of my truck and I thought to myself that it was funny people believe black cats bring bad luck. Not even two minutes later, I drove my truck into a ditch. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 17:30 - Germany - K?ln

Today, my husband showed up late to my mother's funeral. He swaggered in, happily finishing off a half-eaten taco. His excuse for why he was so cheerful: "She was an in-law, honey." Good to know I married a piece of shit in disguise. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2012 10:52 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my pregnant girlfriend gave me back the ring I'd used to propose with a week ago. Her reason? She only said yes because she was worried the real father of the baby wasn't going to stick around. FML

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By - 1/5/2019 04:00

Today, I noticed that my 80-year-old mother has gone through 50+ bottles of my home-made wine. She only moved in with me a month ago. And now I have no wine. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 02:00 - Netherlands - Bergeyk

Cheap-ass lying bro-bro!

Today, I found out my boyfriend is booking my dream vacation to Bali with his brothers, 6 months after he told me we couldn't go on vacation this year because he doesn’t have the money. They planned this within a week. I had been planning it with him for months. FML

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By noiguessitsbroken :( - 7/8/2013 12:24 - Lithuania - Kaunas

Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML

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By CantWin - 7/6/2016 22:38 - United States - Provo

Today, after finally applying myself and busting my butt all semester, I found out the school is accusing me of cheating because they couldn't believe I could have gotten near-perfect grades considering my grade history. If this is how society rewards academic turnarounds, why do I even bother? FML

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Top comments

By McA513M | 0

#637989 - Sunday 25 October 2009 16:29

YDI for not getting it fixed, regardless what your father said.

By WonderBlunder | 0

#638012 - Sunday 25 October 2009 16:42

What if you're the only car on the street, on a school zone?

COMMENTS

By total90shot | 0

#637987 - Sunday 25 October 2009 16:28

fail

Reply

Youser | 0

#966075 - Monday 22 March 2010 2:35

busted?

Reply

JCHammer | 5

#2035077 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 3:46

Keep with traffic and get a fine lol

By immaeatchu336 | 0

#637988 - Sunday 25 October 2009 16:28

I'm sorry that must suck FYL

Reply

White667 | 0

#638269 - Sunday 25 October 2009 20:32

What? Really? His driving with a flipping broken speedometer, then gets pulled over for speeding? It's not like he was even planning on getting it fixed, arrogance and ignorance isn't an excuse to break the law.

Reply

Allymeme | 3

#638280 - Sunday 25 October 2009 20:37

It's a woman...

Reply

penecow290 | 3

#638717 - Monday 26 October 2009 0:42

easy fix get a gps

Reply

Finnboghi | 0

#639084 - Monday 26 October 2009 5:16

No, that's not a valid fix; it's illegal to drive without a working speedometer, as it is considered part of the vehicles safety equipment.

YDI for not A) Asking your dad to fix it, B) Getting it fixed by someone else, or C) Fixing it yourself.

Reply

GiRl951 | 0

#975006 - Tuesday 6 April 2010 5:29

break his kneecaps

Reply

horneyhic | 15

#1224601 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 21:32

I agree with the gps there very accuarate and a lot cheaper than get a speedo put in

Reply

eas93 | 0

#3916725 - Saturday 21 January 2012 2:27

It's obviously a man.

By McA513M | 0

#637989 - Sunday 25 October 2009 16:29

YDI for not getting it fixed, regardless what your father said.

Reply

Japemead | 0

#638067 - Sunday 25 October 2009 17:44

This. It doesn't matter what your father told you; you should have insisted on having it fixed.

Reply

Ohnothingreally | 0

#638136 - Sunday 25 October 2009 19:02

"Listen to your parents.
No questions asked."

By lizzzie_fml | 0

#637991 - Sunday 25 October 2009 16:30

Idiot. How could you not deserve this!?

By benjamingeiger | 0

#637997 - Sunday 25 October 2009 16:31

Make him pay the fine.

By dacho | 7

#638003 - Sunday 25 October 2009 16:36

Your father is FORMER mechanic for a reason.

Reply

cupcakebruh | 21

#6368017 - Saturday 1 August 2015 9:08

Theres this thing called retirement...

By ThatFailed | 0

#638005 - Sunday 25 October 2009 16:37

Honestly, how can anyone think he didn't deserve that?

By romanalcocer | 0

#638006 - Sunday 25 October 2009 16:37

guess he really was "fine"

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#638021 - Sunday 25 October 2009 16:53

HAHA! Funny.

By daniellap | 0

#638008 - Sunday 25 October 2009 16:39

if you're under 18, I understand that you would listen to your father

if you're over 18, YDI for being too cheap to fix your car =)

By iwaspeedon | 0

#638009 - Sunday 25 October 2009 16:39

fuck i wanted to be first :O

Reply

toink | 0

#638059 - Sunday 25 October 2009 17:30

:O●═8