Intimacy: Today, I found out the hard way that you can get carpal tunnel... - FML

By Nuttjacob - 28/02/2011 01:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out the hard way that you can get carpal tunnel from masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 330

You deserved it 41 479

You tried

Our house, in the middle of our street

Teenagers

By soapypete - 22/10/2010 13:26 - United States

Today, before a big client pitch I went into their office bathroom to quickly slick down my hair. It had two identical automatic faucets, one for water and one for hand soap. Now my hair is full of soap, and smells like industrial strength lavender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 208

You deserved it 30 875

Between a rock and a hard place

By Anonymous - 25/10/2021 04:59 - Canada - Enderby

Spicy

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 333

You deserved it 149

By UnhappyLips - 16/12/2016 09:43

Today, the lip balms I ordered online finally arrived in the mail. After trying one out, my lips had an allergic reaction. It's a 4-pack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 796

You deserved it 1 014

By Anonymous - 22/12/2014 07:53 - United States - Mooresville

Today, immediately after being informed of the sketchy activities that take place in our store parking lot after dark, I'm handed an orange vest and told to go out there to retrieve carts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 582

You deserved it 2 507

By mastel07 - 10/12/2014 12:59 - United Kingdom - Stevenage

Today, I found a very light blonde long hair on my marital bed's pillow. I confronted my husband about it and after hours of arguments and me throwing his stuff out of the house, I found another. Attached to my head. My husband isn't having an affair, I'm just going grey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 225

You deserved it 44 744

By isuckatlife - 22/02/2009 03:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, while changing my tampon in the stall of my high school's bathroom, I lost control of the plastic applicator. The blood-covered apparatus shot out like a rocket underneath the stall door. For a moment I thought no one noticed, then the screaming began. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 887

You deserved it 5 856

By Anonymous - 10/09/2009 06:02 - United States

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 45 minutes. I am an elevator mechanic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 571

You deserved it 6 939

By Abandoned - 09/03/2009 05:50 - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my parents by coming home from college for Spring Break. I arrived to find a dark house, with all the doors bolted shut. After calling them, I found out that they have gone on a vacation to Hawaii for a week. I am now locked out of my own house, with no where to stay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 720

You deserved it 13 459

By Anonymous - 03/12/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, while I was putting up Christmas lights, my younger brother wouldn't stop pestering me. It seems he hadn't forgotten the time I gave myself an electric shock last year, and he wanted to see if I'd do it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 160

You deserved it 3 565

By BigBallah93 - 05/07/2009 15:23 - China

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 761

You deserved it 55 227

By whatthewhat? - 25/11/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't trust her after cheating on me with 3 guys. Our friends are sad about it so they're throwing her a pity party. Now I'm single and I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 840

You deserved it 3 519

By jquaw - 28/09/2014 17:12 - Canada - Brockville

Today, I realized the sweet, sensitive girl I was talking to on a dating site was actually my brother trolling me for fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 564

You deserved it 6 156

By Hank-T4 - 11/10/2015 11:45 - Australia - Truganina

Today, while looking through my son's browser history, I found a Google search for "stop looking in my history u nosey cunt". I swore last week that I don't invade his privacy, so I can't even punish him for the bad language without looking like a lying bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 101

You deserved it 46 620

By filipkm - 28/04/2016 22:04 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I learned that you should always check the inside of your guitar to avoid a snake bite. Nope, strings don't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 547

You deserved it 821

By Oh-Shit! - 10/08/2013 15:23 - United States

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 114

You deserved it 5 468

By Anonymous - 07/10/2010 19:28 - United States

Today, in the middle of class, I sneezed out the biggest, wettest booger I have ever seen in my life. I'd used the inside of my elbow to cover my nose, but I neglected to notice that my hair had fallen over my shoulder. I couldn't get it all out of my hair and I don't think any believed me when I said it was hair gel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 122

You deserved it 5 949

Fight Club

By Anonymous - 29/06/2021 08:01

Today, someone punched me in the back of the head, so I swung round and broke their nose. It was some woman screaming at me for wearing headphones and ignoring her. She then pulled a hidden disability badge out her pocket so everyone thought I was beating up a disabled person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 393

You deserved it 235

By nh-Amazon - 27/04/2014 23:01 - United States - Plano

Today, I asked my son to go to the grocery store across the street and pick up some lettuce. He sighed and said, "Why don't you just order it on Amazon?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 251

You deserved it 7 282

Boozehound alert

By guiltyschuldig49 - 25/04/2020 23:00

Today, I'm exhausted. For the second time, my fiancé and I have pulled my future sister-in-law off the pavement naked and drunk at 3 a.m. and couldn't find the purse or glasses she had with her. She’s hungover and has completely blacked out what happened. Never again giving her a place to crash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 574

You deserved it 204

Delayed

By inheritance - 05/05/2015 14:44 - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 089

You deserved it 3 407

Venus in Furs

By Anonymous - 18/09/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 516

You deserved it 130

By uhmwow - 25/10/2016 00:50

Today, I got fired from my job. A coworker that strongly dislikes me convinced my boss I took a day off because I was going to a Trump rally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 702

You deserved it 955

By abrazama - 02/10/2009 14:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went down to my accommodation office in fiery wrath, demanding that something be done about my three-days-cold shower. Looking dubious, they sent someone back with me. As soon as we got there he looked at me with deep pity and pulled the cord in the corner that activated the hot water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 772

You deserved it 37 181

By Michelle - 27/12/2009 07:13 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes having sex during my period because it makes him feel like he stabbed a small animal to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 413

You deserved it 4 757

By anonymous - 10/08/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, I was dragged to the food store with my mom. While we were shopping, the fire alarm went off. My mom pushed the cart at me, nearly knocking me over, and sprinted for the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 252

You deserved it 2 620

By Labelme - 02/01/2010 08:26 - United States

Today, I learned that instead of discarding expired products at my work, we change the label to make them 'expire' later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 144

You deserved it 2 977

For what occasion

By Single Sally - 01/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Brandon

Today, my boyfriend of five years finally gave me "a ring." Oh no, not an "engagement ring." He gave me a "ring to apologize for sleeping with his married coworker." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 434

You deserved it 169

By kaylajere - 26/05/2010 08:17 - United States

Today, I decided to lay out and tan. I fell asleep and got sun burned and bitten numerous times by mosquitoes. If I scratch my itch, the burn hurts terribly. If I don't scratch it, it itches terribly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 148

You deserved it 36 732

Keep it in the family

By LY2 - 25/10/2019 02:00

Today, I found out why my boyfriend won't come over anymore. He and my brother apparently had a "thing" before we started dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 830

You deserved it 123

By Kristat - 01/04/2012 04:32 - United States

Today, because I was the only manager scheduled, I went into work despite feeling sick to my stomach. While sitting down with a customer, I got the urge to throw up and tried to hold it back. Instead I vomited in my mouth, instinctively swallowed and started choking in front of the customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 719

You deserved it 3 370

By Anonymous - 15/01/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my drunken haze last night, I tried to French-kiss her mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 382

You deserved it 37 597

By God hates me - 26/01/2009 00:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, the pharmacy lady wished me a happy birthday. I was buying the morning after pill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 051

You deserved it 8 219

By guessnot - 04/02/2013 02:16 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 829

You deserved it 4 640

By Anonymous - 08/06/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, after being laid off for over a year, I got turned down for an unpaid internship. I can't even get people to let me work for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 254

You deserved it 3 505

By Anonymous - 20/05/2012 10:21 - Sweden - Norsborg

Today, it was the first time I was going to fly first class. I ended up in the bathroom almost the whole flight with diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 261

You deserved it 2 306

By taperjeangirl - 21/02/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 675

You deserved it 10 506

By Anon - 10/05/2009 12:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up really early before my mom so I could make pancakes for mother's day. I placed everything on a tray and even picked a flower, had a card for her and took it to her bedroom. She said "You shouldn't have, pancakes are fattening." She took one bite and fed the rest to the dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 186

You deserved it 4 226

Bouncing off the walls

By whyyyyyy - 21/05/2021 08:01 - United States

Today, I'd always suspected my mother in law hated me. My suspicions were confirmed when I went to pick up my son from her house after work. She smiled smugly and let me know that he’d been asleep since noon. It’s after 5. He’s never going to get back to sleep now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 78

By SoccerBabe42 - 26/12/2011 12:11 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 881

You deserved it 3 227

Not now!

By XxDiabolikalXx - 24/08/2010 07:30 - France

Spicy

Today, while having dinner, my boyfriend decided to tell everyone about our sex life. It wouldnt have been too bad except my father was sitting right next to me. My boyfriends excuse was that he wanted to make my dad laugh. He isn't laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 541

You deserved it 4 292

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:28

Ahhhhhh, I get it. The HARD way. :D

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:19

that's why I have carpel tunnel! thanks op

Comments

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:12

sucks

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:28

Obviously no sucking was going on, thus the jerking off, thus the numb hands...

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 1:14

oh yeah? my friend broke his collar bone jerking off. beat that!

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 6:22

what is carpol tunnel?

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:21

chuchurocket.. as in the Dreamcast game? +10 points

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Wednesday 29 June 2011 4:18

hahahaha at first I thought you meant you got it in your penis xD

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Sunday 14 August 2011 3:48

what? how did he manage that?

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:14

happens to the best of us. haha. jk you're slightly pathetic.

randomnameflob 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:15

I doubt the best of us would be masterbating :)

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Monday 28 February 2011 10:10

alright. raddaya and felipe, meet me at your local precinct :)

GailLeeRussell 2

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Monday 28 February 2011 10:39

^^He told you :x

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Monday 28 February 2011 11:33

hes pathetic cause he masturbates?! lol! then you all are pathetic on top of hypocrites!

yourallidiots13 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:50

just cause you masturbate doesn't make you pathetic. 90% of men masturbate the other 10% lie

james_aka_frosty 3

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Monday 28 February 2011 18:00

or are under 10

CommonSenseKarma 17

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 3:47

You hypocrite jerk-offs are what disintegrates this society into a degenerate heap of shit. Woah, there... my head starting spinning for a second...

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 4:23

if you masturbate enough to get carpal tunnel, you're pathetic. asshole above me, nobody is being hypocritical. Assholes like you are the reason our country sucks.

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:06

what's carpal tunnel?

icrossedtheline 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 8:12

^yo bitch that's what it is

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:14

lovely to hear.

snickardoodlez 0

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 7:12

guess he really did learn the 'hard' way!

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 5:15

nice one

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:15

Well, I learned something new, but now my question is if you will start again after the surgery.

thehottness101 3

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 1:29

lol!!!!

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:15

Damn, someone's lonely.

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Monday 28 February 2011 15:00

Ha ha he is one less lonely girl

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:16

lol dummy

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:19

that's why I have carpel tunnel! thanks op

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Monday 28 February 2011 17:57

^win.

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:28

Ahhhhhh, I get it. The HARD way. :D

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:37

I thought the exact same thing when I read it. I guess you can't be the first to write a pun about it when the submitter beats you to it. Although, I think he's pretty good at beating if you know what I'm saying.

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Monday 28 February 2011 18:02

I missed your witty comments FYLDeep :D

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 7:34

Let's just hope the OP doesn't beat around the bush with the doctor.

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 16:15

haaaaa thats funny

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:30

Get rich - become a sperm donor!

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Monday 28 February 2011 20:46

$10 per time +$2 per cup isnt a way to get rich

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Thursday 3 March 2011 21:06

It is if you jerk off as much as OP apparently does

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:30

It's ok, keep on Chokin' it. It'll put hair on your chest.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 6

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 287

You deserved it 779

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 745

You deserved it 1 009