Kids: Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three...

By diapersplease - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

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Kids

Taking stock

Relationships sink

RIP in peace

By Franklin

Size isn't everything!

Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I am a 230-pound former soldier. He is a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML

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By KarolBee - United States

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. Trying to be romantic, I told him that I loved him and I was so glad I was with him. He responded by giving me a thumbs-up and turning back to the TV. FML

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By prince232 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after having a second interview with a club I want to work for, the interviewer ignored my work references. Instead, he told me he was going to call the only manager I never got along with, for reference in a job I left 5 years ago, because he knows her personally. FML

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By miseventshappen - United States

Today, I was at the mall, I saw a girl crying that her ice cream had fallen on the floor. Feeling generous, I bought her a new one. She threw it on the ground, laughed, and came over to her mom and told that I was bothering her, so the mom called security. FML

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By jigglepuff - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Trenton

Today, I told my girlfriend I wanted to tell her something important. Coincidentally, she did too. She wanted to tell me that she thinks she's actually gay. I wanted to tell her I love her. FML

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By Jeff - United States

Today, a wasp flew into my room. While I, a 6'2" hockey player, cowered in the corner, my 4'11" girlfriend killed it. FML

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By RyanSmithN - United States

Today, I used a public bathroom and set my motorcycle helmet on the sink while I used the urinal. The helmet rolled into the sink, under the faucet and set off the motion detector, soaking the inside. I drove 15 miles home in 30 degree weather with a wet helmet. FML

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By natrat222 - United States - Mesa

Break up

Today, I decided to eat a whole tub of blueberries before seeing a guy I've been hooked up with for a year and a half. While giving a blow job, I ended throwing up the blueberries right before he came. He left immediately, deleted me on Snapchat and told me I need to get checked out. FML

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By fuckalltwitardsintheface - United States - Lindsey

Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML

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By sfabsits - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, two girls ran up a tab of $60 in drinks. They ended up not paying the bill and walking out. My boss told me it won't be the first time or last, as he made me pay their bill. FML

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By Wrongword - China - Shanghai

Today, I congratulated a bride standing in front of a church in a white dress. Turns out she'd been stood up at the altar. She thrashed me with her bouquet. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she's no longer paying for college. FML

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By Pee.H.D - United States - Fontana

Today, since I always fall asleep in class, I decided not to go to the bathroom beforehand, hoping the sensation to pee would keep me awake. I ended up falling asleep and wetting myself in the middle of the lecture. FML

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By Broke Ass Hoe

Today, as I realized I'm too broke to go out and get more toilet paper, I noticed my cat chewing on something and tearing it apart. It was my last roll. FML

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By littl3storm - 23/12/2020 15:59 - United Kingdom

Tis the season to be jolly

Today, at the ripe age of 20, I spent the early hours of my morning violently vomiting blood every time I got too warm. I then had the pleasure of shitting in a plastic container for a stool sample, due to said problem, after one and half hours of sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom - Isleworth

Hello, Goodbye

Today, I left my job, fulfilling my one month's notice after receiving a job offer from a much better-paying role. After saying goodbye to everyone, I left the building. Not 2 minutes later, the company who was offering the new job called to say they'd changed their minds, and there was now no longer a job on offer. FML

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By wetdreams - Canada

Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML

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By bl3ur0z3

The luck of the draw

Today, my supervisor was in a leadership meeting pulling random calls for quality. Mine was chosen. He got excited and told them my stats and how I put him to shame with how I drive my team, that I'm the best and this call is going to be amazing. I was then written up for arguing with a customer. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy

Today, I learned that my new neighbour's car alarm goes off every time a car drives by blasting loud bass. So far, it's gone off 6 times in the last hour. I can't wait until he's done moving in here, where he and his car will stay for the next year. FML

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By this is impossible - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend road head. He closed his eyes when he came, and crashed into a pole. I have whiplash, and a very very angry father. FML

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By sportskidguru - United States

Today, I was refilling some guy's iced tea at bandana's, and the uppity jerk had the gall to ask me if I ever kissed a girl considering how fat I am, how high my voice is, and how little money I make. FML

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By sleepwalker - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my math class. Turns out I sleep walk. I woke up at the front of the room with chalk in my hand, scribbles on the board behind me, and the whole class laughing at me. FML

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By Clumsy & Forgetful - Canada

Today, I found out why I'm always let off easy when I do something wrong at work. They think I have a mental handicap. I don't. I'm just clumsy and forgetful. FML

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By Claustrophobic - United States

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

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By godhatesme - United States

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

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By Nasu Johi - United States - New York

Today, as a CNA, I had to go through the belongings of a patient. His phone rang and I answered - it was his boss. As I explained, he cut me off and said to "drop the act" and "he better be there now or he's fired". He was pronounced dead-on-arrival. FML

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By rrefaat - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I thought our CEO had clearly stated that I will only be focusing on my job, and all other stuff will not be my problem. Apparently, I was wrong, because I still get blamed for all the other departments' mistakes, even though I don't manage them. He does. FML

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By "mysteryguy3039"

Today, my girlfriend gave me a two weeks' notice for our relationship. FML

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By And yes, he does also believe in the Illuminati.

Today, I learned that my new boyfriend seriously thinks that Inglorious Bastards is historically accurate and is actually the secret history of World War 2 being revealed to the public. Nothing I say will make him change his mind. I guess that relationship is a goner. FML

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By __shirtless__

Today I found out that paying $40 for next-day shipping doesn't ensure that you'll receive the item the next day or even the next week. I assumed it was my fault for ordering too late into the holiday season. Turns out they never shipped it. When I finally received it 10 days late, it was the wrong item. FML

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By thanks iphone - United States - Louisville

Today, I realized I wasn't getting notifications for my voicemail, so I decided to check it and found out that I had 3 job offerings that are no longer an option. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML

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By prego - United States

Thanks mom, you're the best

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She referred to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergency bedrest by my doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I desperately needed a mental health day, so I took the day off work and got some junk food and wine. A few hours later, I'm in hospital with gallstones and pancreatitis, needing an emergency surgery. My mental health day turned into multiple weeks off work, and a lot of pain. FML

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By thatsucks - United States

Today, I realized that my father's weekly unemployment check is more than my bi-weekly pay check. My full time job pays less than my father's unemployment. FML

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By bitchyskier - United States

Today, while waiting in line for the ski lift, the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted at her "Get the f*ck off my skis!" Just as the last word escaped my mouth, I noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them. FML

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By bargainshopper - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

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By DroopyDog - Netherlands

Today, I bought a puppy. I just found out I can't bring it on the family trip. To save me the trouble of finding a friend to take her in, my mum handed her back to the pound. FML

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Top comments

By ktiskool | 18

#6313482 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:27

Make them clean it up and see how much longer it lasts

By lexos | 16

#6313481 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:26

Does his tactic actually work?

COMMENTS

By zeusdom | 15

#6313480 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:26

I'm sure that must have "pissed" you off

DFMLharsh | 20

#6313495 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:31

Not as much as this repeated toilet pun does.

Zebediabolical | 38

#6313504 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:34

I'd have upvoted this if it weren't in quotes. We're not stupid. We can spot a pun.

shellykjelly | 26

#6313601 - Sunday 7 June 2015 21:05

Well you know what they say, it's better to he pissed off than pissed on

Schrypt | 15

#6313986 - Monday 8 June 2015 5:23

Potty mouth!

xx000o | 27

#6314240 - Monday 8 June 2015 11:56

Think about all the money you are saving not buying diapers anymore.

By lexos | 16

#6313481 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:26

Does his tactic actually work?

Rinat_fml | 26

#6313675 - Sunday 7 June 2015 23:40

I don't get why she doesn't make him clean it up instead. It's his mess.

muarif | 19

#6313729 - Monday 8 June 2015 0:21

Because she knows her work and does it *grabs popcorns* :3

jforren | 14

#6313842 - Monday 8 June 2015 2:31

This is the 21st century, get with the times. Sexism isn't cool.

psychopolarbear | 28

#6313938 - Monday 8 June 2015 4:42

She wanted her son to use the bathroom. He did. He used the whole bathroom floor around the toilet while sword fighting. I'd say the tactic worked just fine.

CVTTRVN | 19

#6314107 - Monday 8 June 2015 8:30

Im with #55. Make ur hubby clean up his mess!

By ktiskool | 18

#6313482 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:27

Make them clean it up and see how much longer it lasts

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6313503 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:34

This is the right advice

devildog562 | 33

#6313506 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:34

My thought is , why on earth would she clean it up? Unless it is the only bathroom or something. I wouldn't want to clean anyone else's fluid up of I can help it. Besides everyone knows sword fighting belongs outside not in the house.

By RickySleeves | 20

#6313484 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:27

I'd be so pissed off

Jake42100 | 17

#6313493 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:30

Your pun is bad,And you should feel bad...You basically took #1's comment by the way...

RickySleeves | 20

#6313574 - Sunday 7 June 2015 20:25

Sorry about that. Have a great day!

MrConcise | 34

#6313616 - Sunday 7 June 2015 21:33

#8 - Your reference is bad, and you should feel bad.

SpankyRaven | 31

#6313973 - Monday 8 June 2015 5:15

#8 both comments were written at almost the same time. #4 just had the misfortune of hitting submit later than #1. What would be the point in copying?

By jessi_sunshine | 26

#6313488 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:28

It would seem that urine for a long day, OP.

DFMLharsh | 20

#6313533 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:53

^
#1 and #4, this is how a pun is done. Without making it obvious.

By LosTe_fml | 19

#6313490 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:29

I guess you win some and you lose some...

By Otherhats | 20

#6313492 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:29

If it works it works? Anyway, straighten out there path. Hehe, see what I did there?

LunaRebirth | 7

#6313829 - Monday 8 June 2015 2:09

I see what you did.. used the wrong form of "their".

Otherhats | 20

#6314074 - Monday 8 June 2015 7:27

Seriously?.... Bro. If your gonna correct someone's grammar at least be good at it.

xxmollyxx | 25

#6314108 - Monday 8 June 2015 8:30

Oh my

Pingvinai | 37

#6314161 - Monday 8 June 2015 9:34

You're*

Otherhats | 20

#6314614 - Monday 8 June 2015 19:29

You..., >.>

By callalilley | 18

#6313494 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:30

Don't cross the streams!

By appletreee | 29

#6313496 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:31

Yuck! I would make them clean it up, OP.

By TheBelt | 19

#6313497 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:31

You gotta give the man props I mean at least he taught him how to use the toilet now all you gotta do is teach him how to clean his mess after he's done.

Gillett | 23

#6313539 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:57

Exactly. Our dad can explain to him that a "Gentleman" always fixes his mistakes and cleans up his messes.