Kids: Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three...

By diapersplease - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

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Kids

Triage

Messed up

He got game

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. I was eating my nachos when all of the sudden I woke up in the hospital, with my dad sitting next to the bed. Apparently, I was hit with a foul ball. He kept the ball for himself. FML

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By ssydneyy - United States - Lakewood

Today, I was working as a character at an amusement park. I was walking with another character and we went over to a baby girl. She smiled and laughed at my co-worker. When she saw me, she started screaming and crying. FML

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By buryuntime - United States

Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paper work. Later, she asks me, "What does Caucasian mean?". I ask, "Why?". Apparently she didn't recognize the word so she checked "other" and wrote in "white". FML

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By Whoops - United States

Oh, thanks…

Today, I lost it on my co-workers about how hard I've been working, picking up everyone's slack with no appreciation, and it was clear that I needed to find a job that actually rewarded hard work. As I went to grab my jacket to leave, I saw a cake and gift card for a cruise on the table, from the staff. FML

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By Fooled Wife

Today, my husband was arrested on 2 felony charges in a sting. We've been married 5.5 years, had almost enough money for a down payment on a house, were trying to get pregnant, and had a non-refundable trip to London planned. We are now broke and on the verge of divorce. FML

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By Carly4244

Today, I was the Maid of Honor at my friend's wedding. Months earlier, we had a bitter fight, but she picked out a beautiful dress for me and I thought we were past it. When I began speaking, the lights changed to a weird brightness and my friend snickered. My dress was completely see-through. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

Today, one of my co-workers was fired after my manager discovered him pissing in the office coffee pot. I had three cups before I found out what had happened. FML

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By morgan - 9/4/2021 23:00

Gas giant

Today, while laying in bed, I let out a huge fart. I then heard my roommate yell from outside my room, "Did you think you were alone?" FML

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By Saw - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street, when a car started cruising alongside me. I looked over, annoyed, at which point the driver started screaming obscenities and telling me that I'm "gonna get it" for "betraying" him, before angrily speeding off. I'm too scared to even sleep now. FML

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By militarywife2b - France

Today, at work, I watched a man throw up in his hands, dump the contents on his plate, then eat the things it "didn't touch". I had to wash his plate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dared to walk home through a rough part of town. My rep hung in the balance, so I accepted. A kid kicked a football in my direction, so I kicked it back at him hard. It hit him in the nuts, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life from three bald, shirtless, six-packed thugs. FML

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By ktiskool - United States - Imperial

Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML

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By WTFisMyLife

Today, my boyfriend whipped out his proverbial notebook, where he obviously keeps notes of what I do and how I act during sex, and then grilled me about every single one of those things. Now I'm scared to do anything because I don't want to be interrogated about it later. FML

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By Lady Bloodshart of the Redwater - United States - Arlington

Today, while at a restaurant, my date shat himself. He spent the entire meal pretending nothing had happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to impress a girl I like, I tried to crush a soda can by hitting it with my forehead. Not only did I fail, I knocked myself out in the process. When I regained consciousness, the girl was gone and someone had taken the liberty of drawing a penis on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a plane when I suddenly felt the need to use the toilet. I didn't make it in time and I had to spend the remainder of my trip in soiled clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a coworker asked me why this week's report was not uploaded to the server. I've been writing these reports once a week for a year and they take a whole day to write. Upload them to what server? FML

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By me - United States - Katy

Today, we had a surprise test at school. I was totally unprepared for any of it, so I BSd the whole thing and turned it in. A few minutes later, our teacher said we were allowed to use our notes to finish the test. FML

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By Daniella - 12/11/2020 11:03 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Online classes can be tricky

Today, I accidentally unmuted my mic during a class, and normally it would've just been silence, but dumb old me just had to sing a song at the top of my lungs, and I only stopped when my phone blew up with notifications. Great. FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot - United States - Denver

Today, I woke up with a rash all across my body. Last night, my boyfriend and I got it on in some bushes, and it seems one of those was poison ivy. FML

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By menerethrr - United States

Today, I sent my best friend Mike the link to a porn site we were talking about at a party. Turns out the name "Mom" is right next to "Mike" in my contacts list. FML

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By minty - United States

Today, after days of being too sick to leave my house, I went to get some medicine. While picking out cough drops, an old man leaned over and said, "You smell quite delicious today". I haven't showered and the only "perfume" I'm wearing is VapoRub. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, I went to the kitchen to grab some cereal. I guess my mum didn't hear me, because as I entered, I heard her ranting to herself about her "God damned fucking cheerios". I started to slowly back out, but I tripped over my own feet. She heard and yelled at me for "sneaking around". FML

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By Missedtheboat - United States

Today, I finished making an awesome costume for a Halloween party my crush was attending. I then checked the invite and found out the party was last night. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Elwood

Today, I got a call at 4 in the morning from the security company, saying someone had broken into my workplace. I drove an hour out there, only to find out it was a rat that had set off the alarm. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 16:58 - Germany - Ebersbach

Stealth attack

Today, I was cooking when I got jumped from behind by my friend's cat, who thought my back would make a great lookout perch. Yesterday he tried to sharpen his claws on me. Last time I looked in the mirror I didn't look like a tree trunk, but maybe I need glasses. FML

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By ihateseagulls - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML

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By Florida Girl

It wasn't me

Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time today and learned that his mom is from the same area as my dad. Before I could tell a funny story of my dad’s senior prank, his mom said during her senior year, some asshole spray-painted their school mascot on their football field. That was my dad’s senior prank. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

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By France Howell

Today, I rushed my wife to the ER because she was having abdominal pains. She was crying in the car and very faintly said, "If I die, our daughter goes to my sister and they get everything in my will." We later found out she was just having a bad gas problem. FML

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By nakedweddingday - United States - Long Beach

Today, I came home from work to find white fabric and crystals all over the apartment floor. I followed the trail of destruction to my bedroom, where my roommate had left our closet door open. Apparently, her cats decided that my wedding gown was to be their newest conquest. FML

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By NoKeyNoCar - United States

Today, I rented a car that has a smart key. The proximity of the key determines if the doors will unlock. I went to a meeting and returned to the car with the trunk popped open and all my luggage gone. The rental company decided to store a spare key in the glovebox for safe keeping. FML

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By MissT - 21/6/2021 09:59 - Australia - Dianella

Love hurts

Today, my divorce certificate arrived in the mail. Reading it felt like I was punched in the face by a brick. FML

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By bobin - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept falling asleep while he was at my house with me. I tried to have sex with him to help wake him up, but he said he was too tired and fell back asleep. Five minutes later, my friend walks in the room with food. He woke up from the smell and got up to get some for himself. FML

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By bitty - United States

Today, some construction workers kept going in and out the door next to my cubicle. They decided it would be easier to just prop the door open for the next hour. It's 20 degrees outside, and I'm wearing a dress. FML

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By funkmylife69

Mr. Smooth

Today, I made out with the guy I've had a huge crush on for the first time. He wrapped his arms around me, and whispered softly into my ear, "I can't wait to bone you." FML

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By SinkingShip - South Africa

Today, it's been two months since I started a three-year contract at a new job. So far, 5 people have resigned. Pretty sure I've joined a sinking ship. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML

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By psycho ex - Brazil

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for cheating on her. Her "proof" was an image of me making out with a girl. Pretty damning, except she loaded it up in Photoshop, where I saw the image layers she'd used to fake the whole thing. I'm not sure what the hell she was thinking either. FML

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Top comments

By ktiskool | 18

#6313482 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:27

Make them clean it up and see how much longer it lasts

By lexos | 16

#6313481 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:26

Does his tactic actually work?

COMMENTS

By zeusdom | 15

#6313480 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:26

I'm sure that must have "pissed" you off

DFMLharsh | 20

#6313495 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:31

Not as much as this repeated toilet pun does.

Zebediabolical | 39

#6313504 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:34

I'd have upvoted this if it weren't in quotes. We're not stupid. We can spot a pun.

shellykjelly | 26

#6313601 - Sunday 7 June 2015 21:05

Well you know what they say, it's better to he pissed off than pissed on

Schrypt | 15

#6313986 - Monday 8 June 2015 5:23

Potty mouth!

xx000o | 27

#6314240 - Monday 8 June 2015 11:56

Think about all the money you are saving not buying diapers anymore.

By lexos | 16

#6313481 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:26

Does his tactic actually work?

Rinat_fml | 26

#6313675 - Sunday 7 June 2015 23:40

I don't get why she doesn't make him clean it up instead. It's his mess.

muarif | 19

#6313729 - Monday 8 June 2015 0:21

Because she knows her work and does it *grabs popcorns* :3

jforren | 14

#6313842 - Monday 8 June 2015 2:31

This is the 21st century, get with the times. Sexism isn't cool.

psychopolarbear | 28

#6313938 - Monday 8 June 2015 4:42

She wanted her son to use the bathroom. He did. He used the whole bathroom floor around the toilet while sword fighting. I'd say the tactic worked just fine.

CVTTRVN | 19

#6314107 - Monday 8 June 2015 8:30

Im with #55. Make ur hubby clean up his mess!

By ktiskool | 18

#6313482 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:27

Make them clean it up and see how much longer it lasts

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6313503 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:34

This is the right advice

devildog562 | 33

#6313506 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:34

My thought is , why on earth would she clean it up? Unless it is the only bathroom or something. I wouldn't want to clean anyone else's fluid up of I can help it. Besides everyone knows sword fighting belongs outside not in the house.

By RickySleeves | 20

#6313484 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:27

I'd be so pissed off

Jake42100 | 17

#6313493 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:30

Your pun is bad,And you should feel bad...You basically took #1's comment by the way...

RickySleeves | 20

#6313574 - Sunday 7 June 2015 20:25

Sorry about that. Have a great day!

MrConcise | 34

#6313616 - Sunday 7 June 2015 21:33

#8 - Your reference is bad, and you should feel bad.

SpankyRaven | 31

#6313973 - Monday 8 June 2015 5:15

#8 both comments were written at almost the same time. #4 just had the misfortune of hitting submit later than #1. What would be the point in copying?

By jessi_sunshine | 26

#6313488 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:28

It would seem that urine for a long day, OP.

DFMLharsh | 20

#6313533 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:53

^
#1 and #4, this is how a pun is done. Without making it obvious.

By LosTe_fml | 19

#6313490 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:29

I guess you win some and you lose some...

By Otherhats | 20

#6313492 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:29

If it works it works? Anyway, straighten out there path. Hehe, see what I did there?

LunaRebirth | 7

#6313829 - Monday 8 June 2015 2:09

I see what you did.. used the wrong form of "their".

Otherhats | 20

#6314074 - Monday 8 June 2015 7:27

Seriously?.... Bro. If your gonna correct someone's grammar at least be good at it.

xxmollyxx | 25

#6314108 - Monday 8 June 2015 8:30

Oh my

Pingvinai | 37

#6314161 - Monday 8 June 2015 9:34

You're*

Otherhats | 20

#6314614 - Monday 8 June 2015 19:29

You..., >.>

By callalilley | 18

#6313494 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:30

Don't cross the streams!

By appletreee | 30

#6313496 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:31

Yuck! I would make them clean it up, OP.

By TheBelt | 19

#6313497 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:31

You gotta give the man props I mean at least he taught him how to use the toilet now all you gotta do is teach him how to clean his mess after he's done.

Gillett | 23

#6313539 - Sunday 7 June 2015 19:57

Exactly. Our dad can explain to him that a "Gentleman" always fixes his mistakes and cleans up his messes.