Love: Today, I found out my girlfriend keeps my toenails in her deceased...

By coldasfire - 29/03/2015 21:18 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend keeps my toenails in her deceased grandmother's prized music box. She says it's to, "Keep the box natural." I don't understand why she does this, or what she means by "natural." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 356

You deserved it 2 462

Love

Dementia or hate? You decide

Another great day to be alive

In vain

By Anonymous - 22/06/2016 21:15 - Finland - Kouvola

Today, I was in a clothing store with my girlfriend. I saw the ugliest hat ever on a hat shelf, tried it on and said to my girlfriend, "Look at this ugly hat, it's absolutely horrible. It's even dirty." An old woman stood next to me said, "Well no wonder it's ugly, it's mine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 500

You deserved it 5 991

By EMT_Koulianos - 25/05/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I was performing CPR on a woman on her floor while her internal defibrillator kept firing, making her whole body jump. When it fired, her hand went straight up into my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 045

You deserved it 4 075

Move, bitch! Get out the way!

By FlatFoot - 05/10/2017 07:00 - United States - New York

Today, my dad ran over my foot with his work truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 886

You deserved it 306

Love is strange

By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 22:00

Today, I learned that, just like in the movies, your ex-boyfriend can eventually wind up being your stepfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 031

You deserved it 130

By Anonymous - 12/01/2011 13:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my Mum has spent the money she's been saving for my wedding on moving house. She called saving for a wedding for me a 'pointless cause' as it's probably never going to happen now. I'm only 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 267

You deserved it 3 792

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school, as I walked past the swings these two girls smiled and said "wow, you are so pretty!". I smiled back and said "awww, well thank you!." As I walked past I hear them laughing, "she actually believed us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 435

You deserved it 5 131

Communication breakdown

By Jen - 20/03/2012 05:11 - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, my new boyfriend asked why it takes me so long to reach orgasm. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he's never even given me one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 821

You deserved it 7 243

By nickern - 08/02/2012 00:13 - Australia

Today, I was willing to sit behind a truck doing 10km/h just to hear an interview with Robbie Williams on the radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 492

You deserved it 22 925

By Username - 10/10/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 609

You deserved it 2 585

Creeped out

By Really jealous - 26/01/2021 09:31 - India

Today, my best friend confided in me that she's going to have sex with her cousin. Shocked, I tried to convince her not to and how it's a horrible idea. She called me a jealous bastard who can't get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 331

You deserved it 197

By anonymous - 05/09/2012 04:44 - Australia

Today, an unknown number left me a lengthy voicemail of what sounds like two people having sex. This is the closest I've gotten to real-life sex in 2 years. I listened to it three times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 087

You deserved it 10 207

By Tequila - 20/06/2011 16:12 - Netherlands

Today, my bike abruptly stopped working, torpedoing me headfirst into the sidewalk. I lay there in agony for a few minutes, and the only guy who saw it happen said, "Lucky you didn't get hurt!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 521

You deserved it 3 187

Boundaries please!

By mary - 08/06/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend threatened to break up with me because I still close the door when I go to the bathroom. He pees and poops with the door wide open and expects me to do the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 734

You deserved it 403

By itchtoscratch - 04/07/2016 04:14

Today, I get more pleasure out of scratching my balls than I do out of any sexual activity with my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 800

You deserved it 3 060

By Cano951 - 16/12/2011 20:16 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 307

You deserved it 2 594

By LadyDeadpool88 - 04/02/2014 14:50 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I'm a little over a month pregnant. My fiancé has decided that if we both act like I'm not pregnant, "the baby will get the hint and go away". FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 859

You deserved it 7 262

Science has gone too far

By Anonymous - 10/05/2021 22:00

Today, I watched our very clever cat turn on our oven with ease. I now fear for my children's lives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 818

You deserved it 110

By Mr Hawks - 19/12/2008 05:17 - France

Today, I decided to put my computer on slideshow mode. Did you know that hidden files are also read when you put slideshow on? I discovered this, as did my entire family, when my naked girlfriend appeared on the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 594

You deserved it 14 287

By Anonymous - 06/05/2013 08:35 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I went to go see my granddad in the hospital and asked if he needed anything. He replied, "I need you to get out and send that hot nurse in, I may be old but I still got it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 626

You deserved it 6 581

Routine

By youaresodumb - 27/09/2010 04:19 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I finished too quickly and apologized. She said she was used to it by now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 376

You deserved it 34 207

By russty - 17/01/2010 17:45 - United States

Today, I walked to my car to find a window smashed in. Lucky for me, nothing was stolen. It did, however, rain all morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 102

You deserved it 2 354

By Anonymous - 11/06/2019 12:49

Today, all of my friends stopped messaging me. I checked their Snapchat and Instagram accounts and saw that they were all at a party. When I confronted them, they assured me I was invited and should join them. When I arrived at the address, the house was empty. They gave me the wrong address. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 253

You deserved it 308

By -- - 04/09/2011 16:42 - Canada

Today, at my dental practice, we received a shipment of the stupid flavoured gloves my boss ordered to make the place more "friendly to the kids". I started working in an adult patient's mouth, when he decided to start creepily making out with my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 543

You deserved it 3 046

By Lovernotafighter - 24/02/2012 11:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my granddad had to start sleeping in my bedroom. He has flashback dreams to when he was a boxer, and he's already lamped my granny three times in his sleep. I get a camp-bed, and the chance to listen to him snore like a wild boar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 308

You deserved it 2 168

By Anonymous - 14/10/2017 20:00

Today, I offered to let my niece and brother stay at my apartment, as my brother was going through a rough divorce and had lost his job. After coming home from work, I found my niece had snapped all of my pencils and had ruined over ten years worth of artwork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 529

You deserved it 324

By the critic - 18/06/2012 10:22 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I realized I have been single for far too long when I was turning off porno after porno because I couldn't stand the horrible acting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 248

You deserved it 5 990

By Ashley - 12/07/2012 00:02 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I spent my entire paycheck on a new summer wardrobe. I then left my shopping bags on the train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 298

You deserved it 38 169

By Oops - 02/11/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, I was at a party and saw an old friend from college. I went up to her asking how she was and how her family was. She went on to tell me that her husband left her a month ago and started crying. I told her that he was an ass anyway and that she didn't need him. Turns out he died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 524

You deserved it 14 887

By h - 20/12/2018 00:00

Today, while at a restaurant, my three year old daughter pointed at an African-American girl and yelled out “She’s ugly because she’s black!” Me and my wife got dirty looks for the entire rest of our meal. We have no idea where she learned that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 804

You deserved it 562

By Anonymous - 30/12/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I have to guys hitting on me are the ones who ask to be my friend on Call of Duty because I have the word "girl" in my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 301

You deserved it 6 918

By Anonymous - 16/01/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that I've lost thirty pounds since having my second child. However, I still weigh just as much as I did when I was full-term with my first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 973

You deserved it 8 581

By Anonymous - 26/08/2009 05:12 - Canada

Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a condom, she ran into my room to borrow one of mine. She was overzealous, jumped onto my bed, and cracked two of my ribs. She then took the condom, left me lying paralyzed with pain, and then had very loud sex, which I heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 050

You deserved it 4 078

Working for the weekend

By Anonymous - 14/04/2021 08:00

Today, I started my first 3-day weekend in over a month after asking for one. I also start the neverending diarrhea and vomit spiral because my stomach can’t handle a little spice. So much for a relaxing 3-day weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 775

You deserved it 125

By why - 28/07/2014 01:55 - United States

Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 403

You deserved it 5 485

By Anonymous - 18/01/2013 20:59 - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 888

You deserved it 5 975

By Broken - 17/06/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I was running with my sister's dog. It had the brilliant idea of shooting between my legs and I immediately faceplanted on the cement. I now have a swollen nose and cuts all over my body. I'm a grown man who does martial arts and I got beat up by a dog the size of a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 830

You deserved it 6 727

Hip cats

By :(( - 24/06/2012 21:45 - United States - Montevideo

Today, my parents felt the need to lecture me about how people who "smoke the reefer" are a "waste of life" and will never amount to anything. I was baked during the entire conversation, and actually ended up breaking down in tears, because I realized they were totally right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 031

You deserved it 50 877

By Anonymous - 23/07/2012 08:08 - United States - Rock Springs

Today, I checked the app I had used during the night. It's supposed to record you while you sleep if you make any noise, and I had downloaded because my friends say I snore. The only noise it picked up was my parents having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 207

You deserved it 3 767

By Anonymous - 05/09/2014 21:54 - United States - Conway

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for jokingly telling her to get back in the kitchen. After we finally made peace and I told her that I fully respect women, I turned on my stereo. The song's first words? "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Cue second argument. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 553

You deserved it 19 201

By Mycardoesn'tevenwork - 22/02/2016 20:16 - United States

Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 932

You deserved it 1 508

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Top comments

Clevelandians 17

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Monday 30 March 2015 10:18

How exactly is she getting your toenails

Myo_fml 20

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Monday 30 March 2015 10:16

OP, I do believe she may be putting a spell on you and you should run.

RabbitOfAurora 28

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Monday 30 March 2015 10:15

The real question here now would be is this a deal breaker for you OP?

kylieh72 25

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Monday 30 March 2015 10:52

Also, would she be willing to stop that and see a therapist?

Raxy_fml 18

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Monday 30 March 2015 17:46

The real question is how she got OP's toenails.

gabythatcher 21

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Monday 30 March 2015 19:57

at least they weren't her grandma's toes

Myo_fml 20

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Monday 30 March 2015 10:16

OP, I do believe she may be putting a spell on you and you should run.

ttoriiii 10

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Monday 30 March 2015 13:01

Well they are toenails, so OP might not be able to use his feet...

ironmany_fml 23

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Monday 30 March 2015 21:59

yes.. toenails. definitely there is some voodoo stuff goin on here

triplebeerox 27

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Monday 30 March 2015 10:16

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

chocolatelover96 14

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Monday 30 March 2015 13:03

Keeping children's lost first teeth is one thing, keeping a grown man's toenails definitely isn't normal. ....

FMLusername969 21

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Wednesday 1 April 2015 7:58

Ahhhh. NO.

Clevelandians 17

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Monday 30 March 2015 10:18

How exactly is she getting your toenails

VeganVampyre 26

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Monday 30 March 2015 13:19

Well, my boyfriend clips his toenails wherever he happens to be at the time that it occurs to him to do it, and he just leaves the clippings there. I find them all over the house. Maybe OP is like that as well, and the girlfriend is just gathering them up as she finds them? Although I still don't understand the "keeping the box natural" part... That's definitely strange.