Miscellaneous: Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through... - FML

By yelyah - 29/03/2012 16:19 - United States - Tolono

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 583

You deserved it 2 169

Dementia or hate? You decide

Age difference

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Best words

By "Kilamo" - 25/01/2020 14:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 897

You deserved it 377

By maturity - 08/04/2013 00:30 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found an invisible ink pen. I drew on my arms, thinking nobody would see it. I had an allergic reaction to the ink, and I now have three very large, very visible, red penises on my forearm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 968

You deserved it 64 125

It wasn't me!

By cantwin - 31/05/2013 13:54 - Belgium - Zwevegem

Today, I visited my grandma. Shortly after I arrived, she freaked out after finding a "snake" in her closet. It was a rubber snake that my brother must have put there yesterday as a prank. I picked it up and told her it was fake. She then yelled at me for playing such a disgusting prank on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 393

You deserved it 3 707

By stinkyhair - 19/12/2011 17:48 - United States

Today, thanks to some asshole with a padlock, I got trapped in porta potty for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 771

You deserved it 2 826

By peteto818 - 18/12/2014 17:59 - Bulgaria - Pernik

Today, my boyfriend jokingly said that if I didn't pass my exam, he wouldn't have sex with me for a month. I failed it, and now he thinks I did it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 896

You deserved it 5 384

By last time I drive stoned - 08/12/2012 17:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was stuck at a red light on an empty road for ten minutes before I finally realised that not only was I looking at the wrong traffic light, it was also broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 397

You deserved it 25 867

By Kelso - 06/02/2010 18:22 - United States

Today, my mother told me that the carbon-monoxide alarm went off last night, but since she didn't smell any gas, she decided to just remove the batteries and go back to bed. I had to explain to her that you can't smell carbon monoxide, and that we could have died in our sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 400

You deserved it 2 513

By Drom - 14/09/2016 12:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I pushed my spinning clothesline around and walked off like a badass. A loose wire then whipped around the back of my head and caught me in the eye. I'm just so badass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 308

You deserved it 3 577

By Anonymous - 05/10/2014 17:29 - United States - Kent

Today, this girl I've been talking to texted me, saying she was going to visit. Trying to be sweet, I bought her $50 worth of chocolate and a cute card. Turns out she meant to send that text to her ex. Seems like the only thing I'll get from this relationship is diabetes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 955

You deserved it 5 425

By DL06 - 08/04/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I met a guy online. We talked all night long and hit it off amazingly. He told me he'd never felt that way about anyone else, and I agreed. He sent me a picture and he was gorgeous. I sent him one after he assured me he didn't care what I looked like. I haven't heard from him since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 399

You deserved it 12 526

By Anonymous - 09/07/2019 18:00

Today, my stress sweat overpowered my prescription strength deodorant 45 minutes into an 8-hour shift. I don't know who is more miserable, me or my coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 781

You deserved it 160

Bye bye love

By Anonymous - 04/10/2020 14:01

Spicy

Today, according to my emotionally distant boyfriend, stopping by a whorehouse on his way home several nights a week for a quick blowjob isn’t cheating, because it involves cash and no intimacy afterwards. Dumped his ass real quick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 724

You deserved it 161

By defectivesuperhero - 26/10/2018 13:30

Today, I couldn't get my car hood to open to check the fluids. A few miles down the highway, though, it popped right open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 299

You deserved it 316

Time to shop

By Anon - 24/03/2021 00:30

Spicy

Today, I made my whole grocery list out in my head. While having sex with my fiancee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 385

By shark - 27/11/2012 03:03 - United States - Houston

Today, I was separating my notes into two piles: one to save for exam studying and one to throw out. I finished separating, picked up the junk pile and absentmindedly shredded it. Afterwards, I looked down to see the junk pile still completely intact. Goodbye, passing grades. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 621

You deserved it 31 786

By crotchshothottie - 26/07/2011 16:22 - United States

Today, I saw my picture in an architecture magazine. I'm not an architect. I was walking up a flight of "magnificently built" stairs as my skirt lifted to show an absence of underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 467

You deserved it 38 745

By ChocoMilkManG - 03/07/2009 01:37 - United States

Today, I found some Nesquick Chocolate Milk mix in my pantry which sounded good. While making a glass, I got angry because not all of the mix would disolve. Frustrated, I downed the drink. When I finished I looked in the glass and realized the mix that wouldn't disolve was actually tiny ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 197

You deserved it 17 948

By tapeissticky591 - 14/07/2012 05:49 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I woke up naked, duck-taped to the wall, with no memory of last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 878

You deserved it 36 425

By sadfantasy - 31/03/2016 06:00 - Canada - Toronto

Spicy

Today, the mentally-challenged teen who sometimes comes into my restaurant gave me a hug as usual. I thought it was sweet, until a coworker let me know he immediately goes and jacks off in the bathroom after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 868

You deserved it 1 613

By Eliza - 04/04/2012 03:40 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I noticed a strange lady following me around in the mall. After a while I began to get creeped out, so I confronted her. Apparently she has to make sure everything she buys is better than what I buy. After a long silence she said, "What? You never noticed me before?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 207

You deserved it 2 400

By no money anymore - 18/01/2012 03:31 - United States

Today, I hosted a "Night Out Against Crime" party at our local park. Only three people came, they robbed our fundraiser booth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 462

You deserved it 5 122

Recognize this?

By Anonymous - 06/10/2014 02:42 - United States - Rock Island

Spicy

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my vagina. He replied, "What's that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 316

You deserved it 19 733

By Anonymous - 10/12/2011 03:41 - United States

Spicy

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 745

You deserved it 8 927

By imawesome - 02/03/2012 03:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, I wondered if my orgasms are worth the bother, seeing as I get horrible "I feel like I'm dying" cramps every time I climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 845

You deserved it 2 973

By 0ros - 12/09/2009 22:13 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife and I were doing it when the phone rang. She answered it, and rode me while carrying on a more than a five minute conversation with her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 640

You deserved it 4 348

By Just_Me_88 - 14/02/2012 06:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, the mafia is out to get him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 242

You deserved it 3 211

Doggone It

By "smonds13" - 09/08/2017 00:29

Today, my 3-year-old pooped on the floor and blamed it on the dog. How do I know? We don't have a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 621

You deserved it 422

By 97 - 17/02/2012 21:10 - United States

Today, I was so broke and hungry that I went to Olive Garden and faked being stood up, just so I could eat their breadsticks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 058

You deserved it 6 166

By "people these days" - 19/07/2013 20:36 - United States - Fairfax

Today, a kid was ranting that "people these days are so rude" and that "things were much better in the '50s." Annoyed, I asked the delusional twat what was so great about the racial segregation, rampant sexism, homophobia, and all the rest back then. He responded by punching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 843

You deserved it 15 826

By confsused - 16/12/2013 17:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that my dad is actually my uncle, and vice-versa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 862

You deserved it 3 365

Creativity stifled

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 214

You deserved it 22 389

By really_dad? - 17/08/2017 13:00

Today, I came out to my parents. After we had a talk about them accepting me, my dad said "now get out of here you little duck sucker." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 778

You deserved it 652

I keep mine hidden

By Anonymous - 17/08/2020 20:00

Today, while my girlfriend is in hospital, I'm left at home with her mom. What I didn't know is that her mom's medication makes her do strange things. I learned that right away when she took a seat next to me, completely naked, on the couch. My girlfriend's mom is my grandmother's age. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 557

You deserved it 100

Don't know, don't care

By All a hoax - 25/10/2020 20:05 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my boss still won't believe in climate change, and won't do anything to reduce our carbon footprint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 833

You deserved it 437

The Force

By RobinBunny713 - 19/07/2011 03:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic moment when I made a Star Wars reference. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I said it or the fact that he seemed more turned on by it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 754

You deserved it 34 240

By ew - 04/10/2009 15:41 - United States

Today, I noticed that my acne has gotten so bad, I can see it out of my peripheral vision. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 013

You deserved it 9 162

By Anonymous - 23/07/2014 20:00 - Canada - Mississauga

Spicy

Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 027

You deserved it 13 928

By Anonymous - 13/03/2019 12:00 - United States - Salem

Today, I asked a table at a restaurant if there's anything I could get out of their way and they replied, "Yeah, you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 167

You deserved it 218

By Anonymous - 07/06/2013 07:10 - United States - Marion

Spicy

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 908

You deserved it 70 004

By THATgirl - 26/01/2018 15:00

Today, our wedding venue canceled on us, leaving us 8 months to find another in peak foliage season. My parents contacted the local news over the ordeal, but they're using my name and picture to make me look like a whiny brat who didn’t get her way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 994

You deserved it 1 175

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:32

Grams is protective of her grandchild :)

idontknowyou123 0

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:37

Bingo gets crazy somtimes... you never know if the bitch next to you will shout bingo or shank you...

Comments

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:31

gotta need a pocketknife!

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:35

Ya who knows what kind of person would try to duke it out with her...

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:46

better be swiss. never know when you need a pair of tiny sissors :)

Cad6 24

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Thursday 29 March 2012 23:02

*Grandma passes through body check* *Inspectors do baggage check.* Inspectors: *urgently murmuring* Grandma: What's the hold-up? Inspectors: Err...ma'am we found a lethal weapon in your backpack. Grandma: Oh, that backpack's not mine. Inspectors: Orly? It has your name on it. Grandma: Yes, but the knife isn't mine. Inspectors: We never said anything about a knife. Grandma: *attempts to bolt for the nearest exit* Inspectors: *Tackles the grandma* Eventually they let her go, only to escort her out of the airport, noting her as "dangerous". The OP stared in horror, ashamed of what the grandma did. His only option was to go on FML, and post this tragic story.

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Friday 30 March 2012 3:55

She obviously needed it to fight off all the alligators you are soon to encounter.... On the airplane?

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Friday 30 March 2012 4:11

Wtf not even a pocket knife???

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Friday 30 March 2012 5:39

Well if she was a girl scout in her youth she can legally have a pocket knife everywhere she goes. Not sure bout the airport though. Dont think it applies.

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Friday 30 March 2012 7:08

81- then why mention it ?

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Friday 30 March 2012 9:14

I dont see the harm in mentioning it i guess.

Banana_Pancakes6 0

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Friday 30 March 2012 19:02

Good to know that you can just pull information straight out of your ass!

blushy 14

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Monday 2 April 2012 10:25

you never know when you might need to defend yourself

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:32

Grams is protective of her grandchild :)

KingDavidJr23 1

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Thursday 29 March 2012 23:24

Granny is a BOSS.

LightningCactus 12

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Friday 30 March 2012 4:22

Like a mother bear and her cub, the cub fears the mother, they both fear granny bear.

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Friday 30 March 2012 5:43

Fear the G-Unit

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:32

Hey... You never know...

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Friday 30 March 2012 9:37

Yeah, I mean, it's Florida. She can shank some guy there in a hoodie and claim self defense

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:33

Like a boss.

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:34

I get boners in the pat down line... All good man :)

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Friday 30 March 2012 1:03

Ask for a cavity search next time then lol

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Saturday 31 March 2012 12:00

Haha,

traze 7

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:34

Threesome?

NerdsWillRule 3

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:35

The terrorists are getting smarter! No one would expect an old lady!

missanderson813 4

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:36

With a grandmother's bad memory mixed with how much crap elderly women store in their purse, it was destined to happen. Did she have a peppermint in there to make you feel better?

TrippingOnAcid 29

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:37

BADMAN

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:40

*facepalm*

nfjskcbdkdjdjdn 2

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Friday 30 March 2012 15:49

18 - your picture, is amazing, and your comment, is a win.

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Saturday 31 March 2012 18:11

103- thanks, I love Death note. And well I really did facepalm myself.

idontknowyou123 0

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:37

Bingo gets crazy somtimes... you never know if the bitch next to you will shout bingo or shank you...

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 29

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 651

You deserved it 197

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 873

You deserved it 266