Miscellaneous: Today, I flew home to visit my parents. We haven't seen each... - FML

By Disappointment - United States - Gresham

Today, I flew home to visit my parents. We haven't seen each other in two years, I've gotten a few tattoos done since, and I knew they wouldn't approve, so I bought whole new outfits that covered everything and looked professional. When I got there, the first thing my mom says to me is, "Is that a nose ring!?" FML

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Understandable

There's no helping some people

Dog whisperer

By sillybrohos - United States

Today, I spent 2 minutes struggling to cork a wine bottle for one of my tables only to have them eventually point out to me that the bottle was a twist-off. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2020 20:00

The curse

Today, at a time when dating app usage is at an all time high, in 3 months I've only managed 4 likes and one brief match on Bumble. I'm not terrible looking by any means, yet I'm weeks away from my 8-year anniversary of being single. Am I cursed or something? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

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By bella - United States - Edinburg

Today, I was babysitting my barely-pubescent cousins, and they started talking about giving blowjobs to their "boyfriends". When I got mad at them and told them they shouldn't be thinking of that stuff, they said I was just pissed 'cause I haven't gotten laid. FML

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By Highroller_17 - United States

Today, a customer came in to the Walmart I cashier at, trying to set me up with her daughter. This isn't the first time she's tried. As she so graciously put it, her daughter "has a thing for the wimpy nerdy types". FML

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By awwman - United States

Today, my dad found out that there is a free, 24 hour, 7 days a week religious channel. Now that's all he watches. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 02:01

Send virtual hugs

Today, I'm jealous of people who get to hug. My mom has banned hugs in the house because of COVID-19, and the only person I've hugged in the last 6 months is my boyfriend. He's been away for work for the past month and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky. He pulled off my panties and was about to go down on me when he said, "Wait, what's this white thing?" It was a piece of toilet paper. FML

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By JJ - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text saying: "I don't think we can see each other anymore, the nights were great, but I think I'm falling in love with Julie". I'm Julie. FML

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By kristajoy2001

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. All of the sudden, he whispered in my ear, "Do you want to hear a Minecraft joke?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2021 00:01 - Puerto Rico - Aguas Buenas

Dad, stop driving my car

Today, my dad was looking for something in the garage and accidentally knocked over a heavy box, which crushed the new side view mirror I'd bought for my car, because the one my car originally had, he smashed it against a pole while driving my car recently. FML

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By goestoschoolonsnowdays - United States

Today, we had our second snow day in a row, something that never happens. So while the rest of school got to sleep late, I had to wake up early, get dressed, and go to my bus stop because my mom didn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the school I work at, to set up my new classroom. I'm 5'1" and I was carrying a backpack full of fun educational posters. I also have a new boss. When we met for the first time he was yelling at me because "there were no students allowed in here yet." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I woke up at 5:15, snow blowed and salted the driveway for over an hour, left early and drove an hour on shitty roads just to get to work on time only to be laid off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while in line at the supermarket, I told the lady behind me that she had a cute baby. She shot me a disgusted look and straight up accused me of being a pedophile. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 02:01

We need details!

Today, was an absolute mess. It began with getting a towel caught on my nose ring and ended with my car catching on fire. FML

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By anonymous-canada

Today, I was working a midnight shift when a guy came in drunk and was trying to get me to come home with him. I said I had a boyfriend. As I said this, my manager, who has no teeth and B.O, said he was my boyfriend. I will never live this down with my co-workers. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got a new cell phone. I was texting pictures from my old phone to my new one, including several dirty ones, when I noticed I wasn't receiving any of them on the new phone. I was texting the wrong number. FML

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By wrongcolorwrongcreed

Today, I went with my boyfriend of 10 months to rent a car, for which he needed his dad to sign for. To avoid introducing me, he banished me to the nearest airport terminal, and picked me up 45 minutes later, around 11:30 p.m. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I discovered the downside to having a "sneak-attacks-allowed" tickle war with my 4-year-old son. I had to explain to several outraged strangers at the supermarket why my son kept flinching and pulling away whenever I made any sudden movements near him. FML

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By Full Stomach Empty Wallet - United States - Danvers

Today, I discovered that the five-star meal that my friend treated me to last night was actually meant to be repayment of the $200 I loaned her last month. I needed that money for bills and she refuses to give me another cent. FML

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By LizGo - United States - Greenville

Today, after just having used the bathroom, my ring fell in the toilet. After stealthily removing it with a toothbrush, I went to go wash it in the sink. It then fell down the drain. FML

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By BSwan - Australia

Today, a frog made my hot tub his new home. I can't stand frogs and he moves lightening fast. I think the only way to get rid of him is to turn the heat on and boil him. Which I would do if my daughter didn't already adore him. FML

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By ApparentlyBadDriver - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I got into a fight with my parents when they called me a bad driver. Imagine their smugness when I had to call them two hours later and tell them that I drove into a pole. FML

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By LetItRip - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I nailed every single move in my routine at a gymnastics competition. I then finished off with a perfect split, letting out a fart loud enough to wake up a kid in China. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying "only these guns" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. And neither will the cops down at the station. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellflower

Today, my sister had me kicked out of her wedding reception for, in the words of her new husband, "harshing the buzz." FML

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By nerd - Singapore

Today, I was on cloud nine when the beautiful waitress I frequently ordered takeaways from told me she didn't need to take my name as she remembers me from before. When I got my food I saw the sales slip. On it she had written, "Cheeseburger - Fries - Coke - nerdy guy with bad haircut." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my chemistry professor made us all leave our classroom mid-lab because the class was complaining of the smell, and he was worried that there was a gas leak from one of the Bunsen burners. There wasn't, but it's nice to know my "silent but deadly" smelled like it might actually kill. FML

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By scammerssuck - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my girlfriend received a scam email about her great uncle dying and leaving her money. She not only believed it, but she also used my credit card details for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Appleton

Today, my step-mom restarted the computer because she thought she'd downloaded a virus that stopped her from being able to click on anything, erasing my 7-page paper in the process. It turns out it was just the batteries dying in our wireless mouse. FML

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By Fuckit - United States

Today, the girl I love made me text my best friend how much she loved him. This because her phone died. I was at the movies with her on our date. FML

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By Holyguacamoly - Iceland

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

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By PsychoBoulevard - United States - Tollhouse

Put the eggs in one basket!

Today, as well as for the past week, my cat finds immeasurable joy in knocking eggs of the counter and staring at me as I clean the mess. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I was straight. She looked at me and said "Well, that's really up to you honey. But your father and I would still love you." I was asking if she thought I had parked straight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got excited because I found Monsters University and The Croods online, neither of which I've seen. I'm 33, single, and it's Saturday night. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to a really cute guy. He leaned closer and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he leaned back, laughed and said, "Wow. You're growing a mustache." FML

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By itssdianaa - United States

Today, I was home alone, and I thought I heard someone breaking in through the side gate at my house. I was terrified, so I called the police. It turned out it was the gas company checking the meter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss sent me to a meeting with a client I've never met to do some damage control and renegotiate his contract. For two hours, he alternated between threatening to sue us, and making vulgar comments about raping me in his office. FML

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By jeph23 - United States

Today, after picking up my 6 year old from school, he says, "Drew said his dad could beat you up." I told him that he needs to respect his own father more and stand up for me! I get home, look up his class roster and low and behold, Drew's dad beat me up in Jr. High. FML

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Top comments

By Patsy Boren | 19

#7460950 - Saturday 27 May 2017 5:00

Smooth.. But at least you tried

By Lalala579121 | 27

#7460947 - Saturday 27 May 2017 4:40

At least it wasn't gauges.

COMMENTS

By timonedogdead | 16

#7460945 - Saturday 27 May 2017 4:25

At least maybe now by comparison the tattoos might not seem so bad to her?
That's kind of a lose-win situation but hey, it's better then a lose-lose situation.

By Lalala579121 | 27

#7460947 - Saturday 27 May 2017 4:40

At least it wasn't gauges.

By Patsy Boren | 19

#7460950 - Saturday 27 May 2017 5:00

Smooth.. But at least you tried

By Fritterzz | 13

#7460965 - Saturday 27 May 2017 5:43

Rekt

By RichardPencil | 29

#7460979 - Saturday 27 May 2017 6:50

No, it's a metallic booger.

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#7460984 - Saturday 27 May 2017 7:29

So close, but no cigar. What's even worse is that the thing you forgot was completely removable. FYL OP

By TaysDarkLust | 11

#7460997 - Saturday 27 May 2017 8:20

Meh, oh well. It's your life and you are their child.. Either they accept you for you because body mods are just an addition to you, or they don't. Nothing lost if they don't....your happiness matters more than judgement

Reply

Lemou_fml | 25

#7461085 - Saturday 27 May 2017 12:26

I really wish I had money for elfing, dermal punch and split tongue.

By mariri9206 | 32

#7461024 - Saturday 27 May 2017 9:39

You should just tell them. They might disapprove but, at least, you're being honest with them. And they'll still love you and, eventually, they'll get over it. And, if they don't still love you because you got tattoos, then maybe you're better off without them?

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7461063 - Saturday 27 May 2017 11:11

so you'll hide you tattoos every time you see your parents? don't cover up who you are OP

By nellyphant | 18

#7461084 - Saturday 27 May 2017 12:23

I hid my tattoo for a year my parents only found out because I was in hospital and they saw it! It's the only reason my mum didn't kill me!