Love: Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy...

By :/ - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy I've had a crush on for months. I texted him, and he thought I was Maddy from work, not Maddie his neighbor. Now he and the Maddy from his work are dating. FML

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Love

Out of it

Commando

Good kid

By Mister_FML - 12/8/2020 08:01

Didn't think it through

Today, I was at my new store, fixing it up. I was about to leave, so I took my clothes off to let the dirty ones dry, as I had other clothes in my car. I walked to the back of my store and the back door locked. The car was locked. I was in my boxers with no phone and no way to go home for 3 hours. FML

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758

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By agony - United States

Today, I'll be sleeping in my car for umpteenth time this year, because my psychotic wife is again convinced that I'm sleeping with practically every woman in my state. I'm too broke to pay for a divorce, and too embarrassed to go to a friend's house. FML

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36955

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By WellThere'sThat

Today, I got a big math test back. Good news: I can connect abstract ideas beyond what was taught. Bad news: I can’t do simple math, such as 30/-5. I failed. FML

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2948

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By blarp - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom. The guy in the urinal next to me was making loud sounds of discomfort. I ignored him and finished up. I turned around to be greeted by his red swollen beehive of a crotch, and him asking, "Is my penis supposed to look like this?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montpelier

Today, I went with a couple of my friends to see a friend who's fallen very ill. Her dad walked in with a gun and demanded to know which of us had gotten his daughter pregnant. By the time I realized it was a joke, I'd already pissed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party. No one there was under 60. I'm 16 and it was the only party I've been to all year. FML

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By Deadfish - United States

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

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By Squeezebox - United States - Missoula

Today, my son ruined our fairly new 60 inch smart TV by giving it a bath with his squirt gun. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my boyfriend told me he traded nude pictures I sent him for a costume piece in an internet game. He told me I should be okay with this, because, "It's a rare piece." FML

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By princesspea - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was trying to convince me that he was not having an affair with another woman named Julie, he looked me in the eye and exclaimed, "I would never cheat on you, I love you more than anything, Julie". FML

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By Brianna Weltmire - United States - Denver

Today, my mom tagged me in a picture on Facebook. It's a very zoomed in picture of a zit that had just recently erupted on my face. The caption is "My baby's biggest zit yet!" FML

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By wrongcolorwrongcreed

Today, I went with my boyfriend of 10 months to rent a car, for which he needed his dad to sign for. To avoid introducing me, he banished me to the nearest airport terminal, and picked me up 45 minutes later, around 11:30 p.m. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 19:57

It is what it is

Today, I drunkenly admitted to a friend of five years that I've "liked" her for a long time now. She's been in a relationship with some douche for a year and a half at this point. She started crying, and when she finally stopped said, "I can forget this ever happened." FML

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By presidont - Switzerland

Today, it was the elections for Student Council President. I decided to be nice and vote for the only other competitor because it was her birthday. I lost by one vote. FML

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By onefmlafteranother

Vicious dog

Today, I was laying my head on my dad's dog when he walked in. I jokingly asked my dad, "I'm cuddling with your dog, are you jealous?" At that moment, the dog lets a massive, earth-quaking fart and my dad promptly responded, "Nope!" FML

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By BigBallah93 - China

Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I'd undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML

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150156

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By itwasathtebottomofmycoffeemug - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I found out my son has a new hobby after seeing a picture on the internet: putting realistic-looking stickers of spiders at the bottom of my coffee mugs. My wife was scared half to death this morning after downing a cup of coffee and then glancing the cup's bottom. FML

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By allergyface - Canada

Today, I was talking to my parents, when all of a sudden my dad starts freaking out and asking my mom how I got this really bad allergy on my face. My mom just laughed, and then I had to explain to him that it was just my acne. The worst part is, he was dead serious the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ellicott City

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML

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By anonymous

Next, on A&E…

Today, when I got out of the shower, my mother, my boyfriend, and 3 of my friends confronted me for an intervention. My problem? They think I'm a workaholic. What they don't know is that I lost my job 4 weeks ago. I stay up all night filling out job applications. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife sent me to the store to pick stuff up so we could make BLTs. I got the bacon, but couldn't remember what else went into them, so I bought an avocado and napkins. When I got back home, my wife very slowly and sarcastically explained what BLT stands for. FML

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By not funny but :( - United States - Wooster

Today, while on vacation, I think I met my soul-mate, and quite possibly the love of my life. My vacation is to celebrate my 8-year anniversary with my husband. FML

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23168

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By newswithabitofbite - Australia - Richmond

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

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39773

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By musicaddict - United States

Today, the cute boy in my biology class I had been crushing on invited me over to study for a huge test. Once I got to his house, I really had to use the bathroom. I ended ending up taking a huge dump and clogging up his toilet. He had to come plunge it for me. FML

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By calli - United Kingdom

Today, I was working at the Soup Kitchen handing out special christmas dinners to the homeless. At the end of the day I collected my things and went home. It was only then I discovered that my wallet, phone, pager and (for some reason) my glasses has been stolen. FML

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By SKuser - China

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later came into the T-Mobile that I work at to return the Sidekick that I bought for her. I had to transfer her account to a new Iphone. She got the Iphone from her new boyfriend, who works across the street from me. FML

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By JAdams - United States - Newkirk

Today, I walked in on my fifteen-year-old son and his friends attempting to set up a rudimentary meth lab in his bedroom. I'm not sure whether to be angrier that they simply tried this, or that they thought burning up baking soda would somehow produce methamphetamine. FML

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By Wreet - United States

Today, I went shopping with this girl I like while my girlfriend was busy. We ended up going grocery shopping to make dinner together, and I ran into my girlfriend's parents. FML

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7043

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By promdump - United States

Today, I went to visit my Grandmother, accidentally leaving my phone home during the weekend. When I got back I had 2 texts from my crush. One saying "I want to take the most beautiful girl to prom, go with me?" and the other saying, "Fine fattie, I'll ask someone else." FML

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79299

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By rhartnett11 - United States

Today, while trying on clothes in Macy's, someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall. I now have a black eye. FML

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33137

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By justsingle - Philippines

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me through Skype, with the message "my penis wants more, but my heart and mind don't want to hurt you." FML

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40295

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2021 20:01

Time to get over it too

Today, I pretended to be sleeping when my dad came to check on me. I’m not talking to him. Why? Because my mom died in January and he already has a girlfriend he says he wants to marry, she's going to be my step-mom. I’m 31. FML

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811

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By DBZ - United States

Today, I couldn’t have a conversation with my fiancé unless it was about Dragon Ball Z. FML

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By lostinspace - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I couldn't sleep due to an awful head cold, so I stayed home from work. Apparently, the local high school marching band practices in the park across the street at 9am. They're doing the Imperial March music from Star Wars. They suck. FML

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44813

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By mariama - United States

Today, I visited my family. Over the course of 2 hours, my brother punched me, and my mom slapped me across the face after drinking way too much wine. When I started gathering my things to leave, my mom started crying about how I don't visit enough. FML

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37883

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By ihateyouatt - United States

Today, I was trying to change my PIN code in order to make my phone more secure and prevent people from getting information from it. Instead, I somehow ended up locking my phone permanently. FML

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By GiveADogABone - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying to get it on on the bed. As soon as things were starting to get heated, I turned over and saw that my dog had not only jumped up on the bed, but had been watching and started to hump the pillow next to our heads. FML

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27894

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By badbestfriend - United States

Today, I took my best friend out for a night in town, after he got dumped by his girlfriend recently. As we were walking around, we passed a group of hot women, a couple who were checking him out. Trying to be encouraging, I said "He's single!" and winked. One of the girls was his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By jokada - United States

Today, while powerwashing my deck, a bee flew and landed on my leg. Thinking I'd just wash it away before it stings me, I aimed the powerwasher nozzle at the bee. A bee sting isn't nearly as painful as powerwashing your leg. FML

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Top comments

By Gmoney12 | 18

#5742615 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:16

Did you just friendZone yourself?

By aligator121 | 15

#5742621 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:18

Does Maddy know this?

COMMENTS

By lucianaamelia | 21

#5742614 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:16

Oh dear. Mistaken identity strikes again!

misspulkadot24 | 17

#5742636 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:22

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!!

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5742694 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:47

She's a pretty good wingman

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5742711 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 1:06

OP got two people to start dating through with just a text message? Time to start a dating service!

scooterdude720 | 19

#5742717 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 1:14

So it's a big problem if a guy asks out a girl through text, but it's okay for the girl to do it? It's a horrible outcome, but at least this will make OP think twice about asking someone out through text.

xoamy906 | 25

#5742786 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 2:37

Why would she ask someone out over text?

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5742942 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 6:04

The Office, Michael

AninOnin | 24

#5743016 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 8:45

#39, that's exactly what I was just thinking. People shouldn't ask each other out over text messages, period.

By Gmoney12 | 18

#5742615 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:16

Did you just friendZone yourself?

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#5742624 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:18

A new level of the abyss

cruel_fate | 10

#5742727 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 1:30

There is no escape.
-Darth Vader

cruel_fate | 10

#5742734 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 1:36

Look what happened to me when I got out of the friend zone

Snazzy_Snaz | 17

#5742893 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 4:47

You've done horrible things, Vader.

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#5742919 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 5:21

2 your pic goes perfect with your comment lol

By aligator121 | 15

#5742621 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:18

Does Maddy know this?

Damian95 | 16

#5742913 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 5:13

How did they meet for a date if he was talking to OP?

ocramavaf | 15

#5742943 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 6:07

maddy just saw the opportunity and just run with it

By slooby_fml | 25

#5742625 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:19

How does that happen? If he was getting to know you over these texts then he must have noticed you were nothing like the girl from his work. Unless you're exactly alike. In which case...I got nothin

By patchesOhoolihan | 12

#5742626 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:19

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Welshite | 39

#5742646 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:24

Maybe because she liked him. Traditional gender roles are being blurred as the years go by. A girl does not have to wait for the male to make the first move anymore.

DocBastard | 38

#5742658 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:28

Welshite knows this well. All the chicks hit on him.

Welshite | 39

#5742669 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:30

Indeed they do. Unfortunately those hits have left me with broken ribs and a black eye before. I guess I shouldn't wolf-whistle and slap their bottoms, but I just can't help myself.

MrSassypants | 32

#5742675 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:33

And those cheesy pickups lines didn't help either after you smacked their rears.

"Are your parents beavers? Because damn, girl."

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5742704 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:58

#24- Same here, Welshite. Same here.

gc327072 | 29

#5742818 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 3:20

27- are your parents cows? Cause you're udderly attractive.

Kuramasan_fml | 12

#5742882 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 4:35

That is so terrible that I will probably have to use it. XD @62

By tinyrosie | 21

#5742627 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:20

Well now all you have to do is kill Maddie, skin her, sew her skin on your face and voila! You're maddy and everyone wins :)

Peachy2392 | 26

#5742637 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:22

That's not creepy

tinyrosie | 21

#5742651 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:25

Nope. Not at all xD

MrSassypants | 32

#5742677 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:34

Little do people know, I did that to myself. Now everyone thinks I am me! It's the perfect, evil, master plan. MUAHAHAHAHA!

KawaiiCupcake | 14

#5742683 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:37

The perks of having unique name :P

emirie | 21

#5742698 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:53

Oh my goodness. Thanks for the nightmares tonight...

mattyiscool123 | 26

#5742782 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 2:30

Sure there's no problem with first-degree murder

DJisHere11 | 19

#5742822 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 3:29

#7 Everyone wins, except Maddie.

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5742903 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 4:58

or is it maddy

tinyrosie | 21

#5742917 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 5:20

Dun dun dunnnn

davincidasecond | 24

#5742951 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 6:31

That's definitely the most disturbing comment I've read on fml.

swaggalikethat | 22

#5743088 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 10:33

Why are the pretty ones always insane? All i gotta do is stay awake…forever…

mein_blut69 | 15

#5743116 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 11:34

For some reason Texas Chainsaw Massacre popped into my mind. And all chances of sleep go right out the window. Thanks #7......dick.

fyi joking, I found that kind of funny.

ClaireWinchester | 17

#5744171 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 8:01

Calm down, Buffalo Bill.

tinyrosie | 21

#5745433 - Thursday 7 November 2013 8:04

Yay! I win for creeping everyone out!

tinyrosie | 21

#5745434 - Thursday 7 November 2013 8:05

#97 Don't worry I'm not actually THAT terrifying. I thought it was funny but my sense of humor is a little weird x)

By QueenD11 | 9

#5742628 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:20

I guess that will teach you not to TEXT things like that huh?

AninOnin | 24

#5743019 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 8:48

Dunno why you're getting thumbed down, but I agree. If something is serious enough to you, you need to pluck up the courage to do it while-heartedly.

amisenho | 11

#5743467 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 19:28

I prefer to do things like this whale-heartedly, myself.

By the_shift | 13

#5742629 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:21

Oh my... Knowing two people with the same name sucks... You can get them mixed up real easily.

By jsp16 | 24

#5742632 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:21

I knew Cupid existed.

By HowieDoIt | 21

#5742634 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 0:22

If only this was a movie, the neighbor always gets the guy/girl in the end. At least you have an advantage of seeing him and being able to talk more often.

graceinsheepwear | 33

#5742707 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 1:00

I think most people spend more time with co-workers than neighbors, and even family many times, unfortunately.