Today, I finally got together with this great guy I've had a... - FML

By Kiss-a-thon - 27/7/2016 10:01 - Germany

Today, I finally got together with this great guy I've had a crush on for a while. He told me before that he is quite inexperienced, which usually doesn't bother me at all. Turns out "inexperienced" translates to "I will include your nose and chin in our kissing" in this case. FML

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Keep the peace

Trip Advisor says no

Race against the clock

By Dammit - 15/8/2009 05:22 - Canada

Today, I decided to be safe and tested a small dime-sized amount of Nair on my inner arm before using it. I didn't react badly. But as soon as it was washed off from my down-there hair I sure as hell reacted, with small bumpy red dots that look like an STD. FML

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By tomedicalforlove - 21/2/2013 05:51

Today, my husband and I were fooling around in the shower. For some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to grab his man meat and show him how to wash someone at a nursing home. He said he'd never be turned on by a nurse again. I'm a nurse. FML

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By JurassicHole - 22/4/2012 03:27 - United States

Today, while landscaping my backyard, I was pulling a big weed out of the ground. After the last tug, the soil came free, but ended up with me punching myself full force in the nuts. I think my future children are already filing for parental abuse. FML

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By wellthatsucks - 5/7/2015 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months was showing me his new phone. He accidentally opened his gallery, which contains 3 photos: one of his motorcycle, one of his new game console, and a naked photo of his ex. FML

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By Maddie - 20/6/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses me for two things. 1) My food. 2) My sister. FML

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By idontunderstand - 7/5/2018 19:00

Today, my father has been unemployed for 8 of my parents' 25 years of marriage, and my mom still supports him. I've been unemployed for three months and my mom is kicking me out. The difference is, I'm actually applying places. He just plays video games. FML

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By Yeppets - 28/5/2014 04:13 - United States - Roscoe

Today, I got called "un-American" when I said I didn't care about Kim and Kayne's wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me while I was at work. She did so by telling me she has a yeast infection. FML

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By TooSunnyForSkin - 5/6/2013 04:22 - United States - Huntington

Today, I found out my work gave me a vacation for my performance. It's a trip to somewhere in the Caribbean, with the nickname "The Sunniest Place on Earth." I have skin cancer. FML

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By nightDREAMERms - 23/4/2011 14:55 - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm the "lucky" type of woman who can experience intense orgasms in certain positions: in the middle of group yoga. FML

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By Wilson - 4/10/2018 22:00

Today, I fractured my tibia, fibula, and tore a tendon in my ankle. How? You might ask. By stepping in a hole at soccer practice. Now I’ll be out for the entire season with months of rehab. FML

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By RIP - 7/10/2012 18:34 - Finland - Espoo

Today, I had to call the cops to break up a fistfight at my mother's funeral. It turns out my two brothers care more about having a pissing match over their favorite football teams than they do honoring our mother's memory. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2016 13:20 - United States - Lynchburg

Today, a classmate found out I have a boyfriend. He said, "Really? YOU??" FML

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By botharebad - 13/3/2010 05:14 - Canada

Today, I was at my boyfriend's apartment, when I came across a lacy black thong in the laundry. When confronted, he swore it was his. I don't know what's worse, the possibility that another woman left it there, or the idea that my boyfriend owns and wears women's lingerie. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 06:21

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to take our first shower together. When he came into the room, he had swimming trunks on. FML

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By comedybreak - 30/10/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, my doctor told me that the reason I'm losing my eyesight is because I'm straining my eyes, and that the best thing for me to do is to limit my time in front of computers. I spent years in college to get my current job which involves sitting in front of computers. FML

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By tagteam - 5/7/2012 16:30 - United States - Worcester

Today, after backpacking acrossing Europe for a month, I picked up my dog from the doghouse. No one will listen to me or acknowledge the fact that he's now missing two toes. FML

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By ScoozieBooze - 20/12/2012 18:17 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I caught my dog chewing on a tampon applicator. I tried to grab it from him, but he wanted to play "keep away" and ran outside. Like a dumbass, I chased after him in my underwear, earning myself the attention of my neighbors on each side of my driveway. FML

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By Whateversz - 24/7/2010 19:59 - Netherlands

Today, when I took a nap on the couch, a spider crawled into my mouth. How do I know? My boyfriend filmed it and laughed. FML

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By guest - 18/11/2011 05:54 - Canada

Today, I moved into a lovely basement suite. Unfortunately, the 12 year old upstairs plays violin. She also plays baritone. She said she alternates each day. FML

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By explosiveBAM - 26/5/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, I was texting at work when my manager walked in. I quickly dropped my phone in the garbage to avoid trouble. Since I was working so hard, she decided to do me a favor and throw the trash out for me. FML

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By VedaLynn - 3/12/2012 23:01 - United States

Today, it's my 21st birthday and my dad has decided to take away my ID in fear that if I have even one drink to celebrate I'll become a raging alcoholic. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2013 04:24 - United States - Orlando

Today, I received a text saying, "I don't think we should be friends anymore. You're terribly depressing and you make everyone unhappy" followed by, "Oops, wrong person!" and then by, "Sorry, it really is for you". FML

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By Username - 19/6/2011 18:08 - United States

Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML

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By dumb tourists - 31/3/2013 06:19 - China - Beijing

Today, a blonde tourist came up to me and asked me for directions to the nearest train station. I politely directed her there, and she left. Five minutes later, she came back and slapped me for not bringing her to an "English-speaking station". We're in China, lady. FML

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By Stupid Pregnancy Brain - 18/11/2016 13:45

Today, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and suffering from severe pregnancy brain. I was making my husband's lunch to take to work. I realised shortly after he left that I'd used dish soap instead of BBQ sauce for his sandwich. He has to turn his phone off for work, so I have no way to warn him. FML

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By candie - 27/8/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, thanks to my wife's confession, I found out that the 14 year old child I've raised since I was 16 isn't related to me at all. But at least this narrows the real father down to one of three other guys. FML

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By idonthavelice - 28/2/2010 13:44 - China

Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people I just met when I moved in yesterday, I felt something fall on my hair and dusted it off. It was a cockroach. None of them will come within a 1m distance to me now, because they all think I've got lice. Welcome to the building! FML

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By NaniNarcotic - 16/8/2011 10:17 - Australia

Today, I thought it'd be funny to knee my sister's ass as she was bending over. What I didn't realise was that she was trying to pick up a spider. In shock, she threw it in the air and it landed on my chest. I ran into a wall trying to get it off. FML

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By PickedOnByDamien - 2/10/2013 08:12 - United States - Holyoke

Today, my bully made me cry once again. It's been going on for weeks. I don't know who to turn to; I can't say anything because I'd get into even more trouble. He even stole my Nintendo 3DS and won't give it back. My bully is my girlfriend's son. He's 10. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 11:44 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had dinner with my family for the first time in a couple of days. My mum and dad spent the majority of the time arguing whether salt or pepper weighed more. This is why I'm not home often. FML

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By RohnAbheek - 21/8/2011 17:36 - India

Today, my girlfriend came over to stay the night. Before she arrived, I popped a viagra to spice things up. She then informed me that she was on her period and didn't feel comfortable doing it. I had a headache and a massive boner all night. FML

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By firegirl - 5/7/2018 15:00

Today, I finally got over a long bout of constipation. I was scared to ask my mom for laxatives because I had the feeling she would tell all her friends, but on the 6th day of absolutely no bowel movements, I caved. I later overheard my mom telling all her friends. FML

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By theshameofit - 1/2/2011 17:42 - Cyprus

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". FML

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By Dandruff - 24/5/2010 16:14 - France

Today, I found out I have dandruff when a chick passed by and said out loud to her friends: "That dude's hair is having an early Xmas!" FML

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By Crombinator - 1/5/2015 05:30 - United States - Estacada

Today, my roommate was making a waterproof iPhone case and decided to use my phone to test it out. It didn't work. FML

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By Disney - 18/2/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I found out that to save on expenses, my wife booked a very small hotel room for ourselves and the kids while we visit Disney World. I've been officially cockblocked by Mickey Mouse. FML

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By Laviolette - 23/2/2012 22:01 - France

Today, I was preparing dinner for my in-laws for the first time. Nervous, I accidentally spilled the pasta into the sink. With nothing else to prepare, I quickly scooped it all back out. No-one would have been any the wiser, if the kitchen sponge hadn't shown up in the middle of the meal. FML

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By buzzzzkill - 27/8/2009 11:51 - United States

Today, I got home from work, and saw a note on the counter my roomate left saying "Sorry about the basement." I then went into the basement, and found that it was flooded. My TV, Xbox360, mini-fridge, and couch were all destroyed. Good thing he tried to stop the leak with scotch tape. FML

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By exposed - 15/3/2010 06:35 - United States

Today, I woke up late for a very important presentation. I got dressed but forgot to wear a bra. During the presentation, I bent down to adjust a shoe strap. I rose to find that the thin straps of my blouse snapped and exposed my breasts. I gave a great presentation and a titty show. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#6658882 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 18:25

Do you have a crush on a puppy, by chance?

By SOILEDIT | 51

#6658878 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 18:23

Well, at least he's into you AND he didn't bite your face off!

COMMENTS

By SOILEDIT | 51

#6658878 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 18:23

Well, at least he's into you AND he didn't bite your face off!

By psychopolarbear | 28

#6658879 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 18:23

Talk about eating face

By walker9879 | 25

#6658881 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 18:24

Some people are into that. :P

By WCARlover | 34

#6658882 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 18:25

Do you have a crush on a puppy, by chance?

Reply

whysobeachy | 37

#6658900 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 18:46

Or a grown dog. They're pretty loving, too.

Reply

fitnessgram | 19

#6658972 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 20:02

Honestly, I would like to marry my dog. She's an ok kisser, but her breath smells like raw meat.

By fhksuaifk | 16

#6658885 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 18:26

Hey he's trying

By Welshite | 39

#6658887 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 18:27

You have just encountered a facehugger. Expect to have an alien baby burst from your chest in a few days.

By Just1Day | 12

#6658894 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 18:41

Some of the most committed and long lasting relationships have come from experiencing all of the firsts with someone. He's a great guy. Be patient with him.

Reply

19teej96 | 19

#6659263 - Thursday 28 July 2016 3:03

Very valid point. Also if it's the first time for something he's more likely to remember anniversaries and stuff like that.

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6658901 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 18:47

it's memorable, those are the best ones.

By buckdharma | 36

#6658917 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 19:11

He's working his way down. How do you feel about shoulder kissing?

By MidnaLink | 32

#6658919 - Wednesday 27 July 2016 19:15

That actually sounds hot if he does it gently!