By not a cancerous pimple - United States - Chester Springs

Panic

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

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Understandable

Misheard

Modern Family

By Synonymous_Rex - United States - Thousand Oaks

Today, I went to gather the laundry out of the dryer. My daughter had seen my wife put bleach in the washer, so she decided that honey in the dryer would make the clothes smell sweet. She wasn't wrong, but now I have a giant ball of sticky socks and underwear. FML

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By thanksalot - United States

Today, my mum called and told me she had bought me a new, white dish washer for my apartment because it doesn't have one. I was SO excited and told her I'd pay her back as soon as I could. I only had to pay her $1.25. She bought me a sponge. FML

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By Classy Broad

Today, I learned that my hair color is classified as "Buttered Toast". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at work, a kid rushed into the bathroom to vomit. Understandable, except he threw up into the sinks. Sinks plural, whose drain holes are so small that only liquid can really pass through. Guess who had to clean up vomit chunks. FML

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By myhairgetsfrizzywhenwet - Australia

Today, my sister drove past me while i was walking home in the rain, she honked to let me know she was there, and kept on driving. FML

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By latenightbite - United States

Today, I found out why my roommate and best friend comes home late three nights a week. She goes to get drunk with some guy, then goes back to his house to hook up. Who is this guy? The guy I've been dating for three years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to the DMV to take my drivers test. FML

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By Stevie - Canada

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 15:00

Clean me, humanoid

Today, I had to wash my cat. Twice. The first time was because he decided to roll over in the litter tray after using it. The second was the result of him pissing on the floor, then rolling in it right after I'd dried him from the first time. FML

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By Blue Lemon - 13/12/2020 20:01

Assumptions

Today, I was at a job interview and thought the guy interviewing me was a bit of a perv because he kept staring down at my cleavage. Afterwards, I realised what he was really looking at: the wire in my bra had popped out and had been poking right through my shirt like a dagger. FML

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By Eddy

Today, I was let go at work. About 2 years ago, we had hired an eager-to-learn "assistant" for me. When they canned me, they let me know that I should've trained him faster so I could've been fired sooner. FML

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By HomeAlone - United States

Today, I went into the bathroom and got angry upon finding that once again, no one had bothered to put on a new roll of toilet paper. And then I remembered that I live alone. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Sainte-savine

Go deep

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

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By fatty - United States

Today, I asked my friend who is a fashion major why she didn't want to use me as a model for her senior project. She said my boobs were too big. I doubt it'd have been an issue if I were a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Woodford Green

Today, I moved into my new place. It evidently used to belong to a hooker, because although I've only lived here for 9 hours, so far several different men have knocked on my door and asked if "Stephanie" is available for a good time. FML

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By atleasthelistened - United States - Spokane

Today, I discovered my boyfriend listens way better in his sleep than he does when he's awake. FML

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By thesmartone - United States

Today, I let my imbecile of a brother borrow my car. The keys to his car are now jammed into the ignition of mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML

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By anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Orwellian nightmare

Today, while reading "1984" on the train, a cute guy around my age and I got into a great a discussion about the book. Just when I thought he might ask for my number, he got up, patted me on the head and said it's so nice that kids my age still took interest in real literature. I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Guthrie

Today, I went running. I live in a small town and people know me fairly well. It was dark when I went to avoid the heat. I was almost finished with my run when the cop comes up and asks me what I'm running from. Clearly being fat and out of shape is not a good enough alibi. FML

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By isthisajoke - United States

Today, I was told that my mom and her new husband have named my new born brother "Titan". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellevue

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML

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By Dansonn - United States

Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson." I'm Tyler. Jackson is my co-worker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grandville

Today, I heard from my dad for the first time in over six months. It was through Facebook, in a message blaming my brothers and me for his horrible life, and in which he spelled my name wrong. FML

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By "fraz206"

Today, after feeling sick all day at work, my shift was about to end. 20 minutes till I was able to clock out some kid pukes all over herself in the playground. FML

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By lopez - France

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden I hear a familiar voice: "At least someone is having fun!" It was my boss. FML

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By Teaching - United States

Today, I was reading my students' Halloween stories I made them write for my creative writing class in high school. One of my students wrote about attacking me. She got my street address perfect and everything. FML

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By GarageSallin

Today, I was at an estate sale of my neighbor who recently passed. I recognized many items for sale that I had ordered or won on eBay from the past 8 years. Turns out the little old lady had been stealing my mail for close to a decade. FML

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By yeah - United States - Eugene

Today, I got in trouble for missing my shift. According to my idiot boss, "Crashes don't just happen." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, on my way back from a family trip, my fiancé informed me via text that he'd been cheating on me for years and that he'd moved out of our house and left the state. He blocked me before I could respond. We were together for 7 years. FML

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By hobo no-no - 10/11/2020 08:00 - United States

Broke

Today, I saw my ex asking for change outside a store. I was so shocked and sad to see him in such a position, I offered to take him home with me, let him shower and cook him a good meal. He laughed in my face and said, "Nah, I just do this for some quick bucks. It’s easier than working." FML

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By Unlucky

Today, while crossing the street, I was honked at by a stopped car. I responded with the following: a finger and a "Fuck you!" It was my boss who just wanted to say hi. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mineola

Today, my boyfriend is so ashamed of me that when someone asked how far along my pregnancy is, he quickly replied "5 months now!" instead of telling them I'm not actually pregnant. FML

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By ForeverAGirlfriend - United States - Aliquippa

Today, while vacationing with my boyfriend of 9 years, he started writing "Wi" in the sand. I instantly hoped he was going to propose by writing, "Will you marry me" on the beach. He spelled out "wiener" instead. FML

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By teacher - United States - Apo

Today, I started my first teaching job ever. As I was teaching, another teacher interrupted my class about 5 times because she thought it was her class. Not only did she ruin my confidence, her behavior caused my students to laugh at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend feed his cat and change his profile on both myspace and facebook before saying to me that he was "Too busy to have sex." FML

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By pink_cupcakes - Australia

Today, I went to the movies alone after the boy I was seeing told me he was busy studying for exams. I found him making out with another girl whilst in the queue. When I confronted him by text he denied that it was him. I saw him check the text and reply. FML

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By 0867142 - Canada

Today, I found out that I spent a year helping my dad get back into shape, not for his own good health which was what I thought, but so that he could cheat on my mom with 5 other women. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2020 02:01

Does this smell bad?

Today, I spent a full two minutes doing nothing but sniffing my computer. Don't worry, it was in the living room and my roommate definitely saw me. FML

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Top comments

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6188784 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:24

My diagnosis: Web MD induced hypochondria.

By rhysfucker | 24

#6188788 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:26

(Red Foreman voice)
Dumbass.

COMMENTS

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6188784 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:24

My diagnosis: Web MD induced hypochondria.

Reply

timakinz | 21

#6188810 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:36

That moment when you're not sure whether your hypochondria is real or Web MD deluded you into thinking so.

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6188839 - Saturday 31 January 2015 20:06

That moment when you realize that saying "that moment when" makes no sense and is just plain annoying.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6188885 - Saturday 31 January 2015 21:09

Of all the annoying overused things people say on fml (shitty situation/plot twist etc.) "that moment when" is not that bad.

Reply

Riku714 | 25

#6189041 - Sunday 1 February 2015 1:04

that moment when nobody thinks your comment is funny

Reply

Sandman366 | 6

#6189725 - Sunday 1 February 2015 23:19

Yeah, pretty much the prime example of why not to self diagnose. Especially if you can't tell the difference between cancer and a pimple.

By Notore | 32

#6188785 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:25

Well that sucks

Reply

jerryj | 27

#6188898 - Saturday 31 January 2015 21:30

Sounds like something that could be said about any FML.

By MisterGasMoney | 16

#6188787 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:26

Lesson learned?

By rhysfucker | 24

#6188788 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:26

(Red Foreman voice)
Dumbass.

Reply

1337X_Gloves | 6

#6195165 - Saturday 7 February 2015 5:41

this made my day

By deathhill3 | 40

#6188789 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:26

Never trust the internet to give even a slightly accurate diagnosis of a medical condition.

By meli1195 | 31

#6188790 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:27

you really shouldn't believe all you read on the Internet OP.

Reply

Nymeria_fml | 25

#6188793 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:28

Now OP might have trouble believing you.

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6188843 - Saturday 31 January 2015 20:07

It is written on the Internet, though

By thejokingguy13 | 12

#6188791 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:27

So dumb I couldn't even come up with a decent smartness comment

By 8Dirty1 | 24

#6188800 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:30

I can no longer trust you with scissors you'll hurt yourself

By feven | 32

#6188802 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:31

I don't blame you. I get really paranoid after I read the results for any symptom I type into google. I guess the Internet just has that effect. *types in stuffy nose, result: I'm dying in two days

By TomeDr | 21

#6188812 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:38

It's called Googleitis.

Reply

Kira1965 | 23

#6188976 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:02

Or Dumbassitis!