Kids: Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second...

By jennabee97 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

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Kids

Parental guilt

The old switcheroo

Teacher's pet

By Jason Brazil

Hypochondriacs of the world unite!

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my wife frantically saying something about her having scabies, and that I had to take her to the ER. It turned out to be eczema. FML

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By omgstuupidd - United States - Brewster

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to take a jog in an area we never been before. We then got lost. She actually thought that the tattoo on her arm of an open compass with north, east, south, and west would help us. FML

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By KathleenSchuler - United States

Today, I took a week off work because my father passed away. I was at the funeral home making arrangements when I overheard the owners complaining about how their insurance agent had left them to fend for themselves. I'm their insurance agent. FML

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By Jasmine_smilee - United States - Canby

Today, I had to finally accept that I have an eating disorder when I caught myself checking for the nutrition facts and calories on my shampoo. FML

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By volleyballgirl - United States

Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML

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By have it your way - United States - Rochester

Today, during a boat trip with my boyfriend's family, I got seasick and went to the side of the boat to puke. A current rocked the boat so badly that I fell overboard, prompting a panicked rescue and my boyfriend's mom muttering that I'm a pathetic attention whore. FML

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By cmore - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML

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By Jess49 - United States

Today, after telling my boyfriend I was willing to try just about anything to revive our sex life, he confessed to having a swirly fetish. FML

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By horno - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad why the Wi-fi was down. He just replied, "Why? Horno can't get no more porno?" No, "Horno" has an assignment. WTF? FML

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By qourt - United States

Today, my stomach growled so loud in class that a boy sitting next to me thought his phone had vibrated. FML

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By toelie

Oh the times, they are a-changin'

Today, as two of my students walked into my classroom, I said, "Hi, ladies". One of them screamed at me: "Did you just assume my gender?!" FML

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By ostfae - United States

Today, I was told by this big guy from school that I needed to stop stalking his girlfriend, and stop following her home from school. She's my neighbor. FML

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By Kellye - United States

Today, my father called me for the first time in two weeks since I moved away. Excited, I answered the phone. It was a mistake. He thought he'd called my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Kerpen

Today, I wanted to top up my shower gel dispenser. After carefully squeezing the entire tube into the dispenser, I realized why it looked so white: I'd mixed the remaining shower gel with the entire tube of fancy, expensive, organic body lotion that my grandma had given me for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at work I was looking for my lost wallet. After hours of looking I gave up and went home. The wallet then shows up in my mail box with an envelope marked "To the asshole." I opened the letter and it was filled with poop. My wallet too. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, my parents asked me if I had a nice time with my girlfriend at the amusement park I took her to yesterday. She was pretty freaked out by some of the rides so without thinking I said, "Yeah, but she sure is a screamer." My parents then exchange a look and say, "Oh trust us, we know." FML

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By overly nationalistic redneck - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, after recently complaining that the reality show "The Great Norway Adventure" portrays us as a country of nationalistic rednecks, I saw my drunk dad chasing my uncle on a tractor while bellowing the national anthem at the top of his lungs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Walnut

Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML

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By fuck you - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

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By notagain - 7/3/2020 09:01

Grindr danger

Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML

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By Nasty - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

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By FireoftheFuture - United States

Today, I had a giant Scantron test. After putting 10 answers, I noticed every single answer was A. I got freaked out and started putting random answers. Turns out every answer on the test was A. I failed. FML

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By CantPublish - United States - Modesto

Today, my wife and I decided to try role-playing. I started cleaning the pool. waiting for her to come out and be sexy, but she never did. I'd cleaned the entire pool before going into the house to ask why she never came out. She said she tricked me into cleaning the pool. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I went to my local pool. I lay down in a chair and started tanning. About 30 minutes later, a lady came up to me and said, "Put that away, you pervert, there are children here!" I had a hole in my pants and my penis had started to poke through. FML

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By Decibell - 18/4/2020 05:00

Round and round

Today, I found out the trigger to my horrendous, disgustingly painful migraines that last up to 5 days is... Pain. My migraines are literally causing themselves. FML

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By NotJoeyEssex

Today, I was so lonely and bored, I thought about making the most of our current heatwave by giving myself heatstroke, just so I could talk to a doctor. FML

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By ge fu yo twa

Today, after house sitting for my future father-in-law and managing to keep things spotless for 3 weeks, a pipe burst. It flooded the place and shorted out a plug socket, causing a fire that ruined the front room. He gets home in 3 hours. I'm screwed. FML

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By sadguyme - United States - Turlock

Today, on the first cold night of autumn, I realized I need a girlfriend because the only way I can stay warm is if I spoon with my dog. FML

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By ifeeldirty - United States

Parental advice

Today, my dad walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. His only reaction was to mutter, "Put some back into it, son." before awkwardly sidling out. FML

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By hotandbothered - United States

Today, I was developing film at walmart. It started to get a little warm, so I began taking off my sweatshirt. This creepy old man approaches me, saying "You know, usually girls like you are paid to take their clothes off." FML

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By Pims

Today, I've learned that when in a job interview at a Japanese company, the words, "Now we would like you to undertake a small Japanese test to check your Japanese level" actually means, "We would like you to gather all your hopes and dreams of you ever working for us, and let them die." FML

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By ouch - Mexico

Today, I learned that my brakes don't work anymore on my bike. When did I learn this? While speeding down a really steep hill. FML

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By the dead never die

Today, after over a dozen separate blood tests, my doctor told me conclusively that my results are perfectly normal for a middle-aged woman in the early stages of pregnancy. Problem is, I’m a 24-year-old guy, so my doctor is very concerned. FML

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By KittyNeko - United States

Today, I allowed my friend to talk me into going on a date. The guy's truck smelled like formaldehyde - I'm assuming from the snake that he apparently tried to turn into a necklace. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get fitted for a new bra since mine weren't fitting properly. To my amazement, I wasn't a 32A, but a 32AA. I might as well have craters on my chest. FML

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By Fcuked - New Zealand

Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him 'meow' over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

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By nicbear

Today, I was fired from my job over a coupon a coworker offered me for bonus reward points. Apparently, it wasn't one I was entitled to. I never even looked at the coupon and assumed it was fine since they offered it to me. FML

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By Guy - United States - O Fallon

Today, the man who fired me from my job became my stepfather. FML

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By Ooops - Canada

Baked

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML

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Top comments

By iLike2Teabag | 27

#6114133 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:08

Holy mother of OP she's good.

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6114135 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:10

She's good. How the hell do you do that in church with nobody noticing.

COMMENTS

By iLike2Teabag | 27

#6114133 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:08

Holy mother of OP she's good.

Classy_Sassy_15 | 15

#6114569 - Sunday 9 November 2014 20:04

I hand it to her she's great but she shouldn't have told you that congrats on your second child though

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6114603 - Sunday 9 November 2014 20:42

And we also know the real reason OP's dad spontaneously yelled out "oh God!" in church.

jalmanza2580 | 11

#6114678 - Sunday 9 November 2014 23:23

she's 19 and has 1 kid and is happy about another on the way??

llalala_fml | 19

#6114928 - Monday 10 November 2014 3:55

#75 hands it to her

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6114955 - Monday 10 November 2014 4:33

Who's 19? Wutchu talkin bout, Willis?

atav | 17

#6115097 - Monday 10 November 2014 8:35

@90 #82 assumed that the op is 19 since their username ends in 97, although that would only make the op 17.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6115196 - Monday 10 November 2014 13:46

Holy Jizz...

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6114135 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:10

She's good. How the hell do you do that in church with nobody noticing.

FrutLoopDingus | 19

#6114180 - Sunday 9 November 2014 10:16

That's what I was thinking! OP tell your mom great job

Mekeritrig | 15

#6114184 - Sunday 9 November 2014 10:23

The husband probably had an article of clothing on his lap under which the wife snuck her hand and did the deed. Impressive.

may14th | 26

#6114229 - Sunday 9 November 2014 12:44

God noticed.

tony1891 | 22

#6114299 - Sunday 9 November 2014 14:28

perhaps Everyone thought he was shouting "oh god" cause he was feeling the sermon.

Enslaved | 36

#6114331 - Sunday 9 November 2014 15:29

Everyone else's eyes were closed during prayer time?

AddictGamer | 16

#6114594 - Sunday 9 November 2014 20:29

I jacked off on a bus without anyone noticing ~ beat that OP's mother. And #48, that would have to be a quickie then.

BSnapZ | 21

#6115084 - Monday 10 November 2014 7:59

#77 I feel like it would be a lot easier to do it to yourself than it would be to do it to someone else...

By DenBriZel | 31

#6114136 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:11

I am very curious as to how she managed to pull that off.. 0.0

cakefete2 | 30

#6114293 - Sunday 9 November 2014 14:20

Well played pun. I salute you.

sarkaar | 30

#6114408 - Sunday 9 November 2014 17:38

I hope she didn't literally pull it off. :-)

pugpuggy | 21

#6127358 - Monday 24 November 2014 23:56

Well, you gotta 'hand' it her.

By flurpiee | 14

#6114139 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:12

Well congratulations on expecting!

By Witchylady | 17

#6114141 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:13

Wow your mother is a piece of work. Congratulations on the news about your second child.

By MRP360 | 14

#6114142 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:13

pop open the brain bleach!

Sandman366 | 6

#6114830 - Monday 10 November 2014 1:45

Um, I ran out. Where do you get yours?

By sicksadworld1317 | 30

#6114143 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:14

We need time machines. That way, you could have shot back "The real achievement is that I got knocked up in church. It's an immaculate conception! If you want me to aim any higher than that, you're screwed."