Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second...

By jennabee97 - 8/11/2014 23:02 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

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Kids

Rock, hard place

Season finale

Ant life

By yardswoman - 29/6/2016 23:01

Today, I was mowing my yard when I hit a small rock, which hit my shed. I got done mowing and realized that it wasn't a small rock, it was my son's toy plyers and it wasn't my shed, it was my car window, which had shattered on impact. FML

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By Arrkyna - 23/8/2015 17:42

Today, I decided to upgrade to Windows 10. I wanted to keep my old files on the current hard drive, I clicked on the keep old files option. Thanks to Windows, I lost everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2016 19:47 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I finally found out why my graphics card in my PC had been overheating recently. My brother disconnected the card's fan because it was too loud when he was gaming. I guess I can always spend another $750. FML

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By sharky - 20/1/2012 21:17 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with a friend. We were watching the light show, and when Tinkerbell came out, we both started crying. Some guy noticed and called us "fucking pussies". FML

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By snoooore - 31/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I discovered I have narcolepsy. During a driving test. FML

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By MissNoFuture - 20/6/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he's been having doubts, but he still wants to stay with me. I asked him why he had been so nervous about us and he replied, "I don't know, just thinking about a future with you makes me feel nauseous". We've been together over 2 years now. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Not now, 2020

Today, I found out I have endometriosis… Which doesn't mix well with a horny boyfriend. FML

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By rejectedson - 15/10/2009 23:23 - United States

Today, my father got married. He left me a voicemail to tell me all about it. FML

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By PrettyScared - 29/7/2013 15:07 - United States - Matthews

Today, my step-brother said to me, "If we weren't related I would fuck you so hard." Mom says I should "be grateful for such a nice compliment." FML

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By samrodpuertorico - 13/2/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I went to dinner with my friend and his family. I went to the men's room at the same time as his father, and as we peed next to each other in adjacent urinals the father looked over at me and said "Don't worry, I've seen smaller." FML

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By Dilly_20 - 22/2/2011 18:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why I'd be angry if he had a foursome with 3 other people. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 10:00

Today, I had to help pick a jury for trial. I had to do a roll call to make sure that everyone was present. I stood up in front of a packed courtroom and said, “Okay, I’m going to do a roll call to make sure that everyone is here and pregnant.” Everyone laughed at me. FML

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By arose - 8/9/2010 04:05 - United States

Today, I did a quick load of laundry so I would have work clothes for the week. I don't have my own dryer so I dried them in the one in my building. After running out to my car, I came back to find that my neighborhood kids had added 6 sharpies to my clothes. Every uniform I own has stripes. FML

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By lpspann87 - 24/9/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, like every day, I walked into my office and was greeted by the smell of shit wafting through the air. My lactose intolerant, diabetic coworker won't stop eating Whataburger and milkshakes for breakfast, no matter what his body tells him. FML

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By LadyNexus - 7/1/2015 03:54 - United States - Mohrsville

Today, I asked my boyfriend how he felt about me and he said, "You're the hottest seven I've ever met." FML

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By Kira - 24/4/2015 17:09 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was spending some time alone out in the countryside, when I glanced at my boot. I saw a snake, screamed, ran like hell for my car, tripped over my own feet, and smashed my kneecaps. Upon further inspection, I realized the "snake" was my loose shoelace. FML

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By pinkfloyd777 - 20/12/2010 16:15

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's parents offered her a trip to Europe if she dumped me. She accepted, and broke up with me. Her parents were lying. FML

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By Laurendorcus - 14/3/2010 23:13 - France

Today, I called out "personal" from work because I had to study for a major test that is taking place tomorrow. An hour later my manager called to fire me for "not taking work seriously", then I got an email that the test is being postponed. FML

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By Scaryman - 21/2/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting down in a store when a stroller stopped by me. While the parents were fixing the strap, the baby looked at me, gasped, looked at me again, gasped, and then screamed. Ten minutes later, another baby looked at me and screamed. My face scares babies. FML

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By normal - 21/1/2013 20:24 - France - Ambres

Today, it's been two days since my upstairs neighbour's toilet started flooding both our apartments. I have to go to the bathroom with an umbrella. FML

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By geeklove - 16/1/2012 03:30 - United States

Today, I got a Facebook message from the school genius/nerd, who I have never talked to. He politely informed me that after much thought and deliberation, he has narrowed it down to who his ideal mate is. Me. FML

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By same - 21/11/2015 06:39 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, my boyfriend decided to gift me soap, a razor, and deodorant for my birthday. FML

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By HeSucks - 25/12/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a box of chocolates for Christmas. I thought it was sweet until I noticed the heart drawn on the back. It's the same box of chocolates I gave him for Christmas. Christmas last year. FML

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By princess98 - 18/11/2019 05:00

Revenge!

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to take a shower, because he smelt awful and wanted to cuddle. After 45 minutes, he did so. I wanted to cuddle and fool around after he was done. I got rejected because he didn't want to get dirty. FML

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By oops - 21/9/2013 01:30 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, being the prank couple that we are, I decided to mess with my husband. When he got off work, I said, "The lady from your office called and said she was pregnant. From you." He immediately broke down crying, and said, "I knew it." Turns out, my fetus already has a sibling. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 11:18 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 18:00 - United States

The one that got away

Today, the only person who remembered my birthday was my stalker ex. He left condoms, birth control, furry handcuffs, and a lingerie set in my mailbox, with a note saying to prepare for our anniversary. We went out for a week. In sixth grade. FML

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By Me - 27/10/2011 06:40 - United States

Today, I got a boner at the dentist. FML

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By meh - 31/10/2016 15:43

Today, at work, a guy tried to buy me for a dollar. I've only been there a week and it's the third time it's happened. FML

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By rach - 19/5/2013 22:33 - United States - Roy

Today, I got my nails, hair, and makeup professionally done for prom. My dad got his camera out, and I presumed he was taking pictures of my date and me. When I looked at the pictures later, they were all of the dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2019 06:01

Stereotypes

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

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By Skullie - 19/2/2012 05:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend poked me on Facebook. I got excited because this is as close as he's come to touching me in weeks. FML

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By lily - 30/8/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, my friend and I were making sandwiches at his house. His family's dog wandered over just as I dropped a large chunk of cheddar on the floor. The dog snatched it up and ran away with it. I yelled after it, jokingly, that I hoped it would choke and die. It did. FML

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By Trapped. - 6/11/2013 02:53 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML

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By Angry - 4/8/2009 20:21 - United States

Today, I found a pair of women's underwear in the laundry that wasn't mine. I confronted my boyfriend about it. They were his. FML

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By fatty - 7/9/2019 20:00

Work it

Today, after a full year of vigorous exercise 7 days a week, and a strict diet of vegetables, fruits, and water, I can proudly say that I've lost half a pound. FML

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By ThatsNotGrass - 10/8/2014 01:30 - Canada

Today, I was mowing the lawn while wearing gym shorts. Because I had no pockets, I tucked my phone into the waistband of my shorts. I didn't notice my phone had slipped until the lawnmower started making an awful sound. FML

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By 909 - 19/9/2009 23:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to Lidl to buy the cheapest jaffa cakes I could. They cost 35p. When I was eating them later on I put the plastic wrapper onto the side. When I'd finished eating my jaffa cakes I went to pick up the wrapper... The dog had eaten it. Cost me a £150 vet bill. Most expensive jaffas I've ever had. FML

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By Bushfan101 - 17/3/2010 12:48 - France

Today, the guy I hooked up with last weekend texted me that I needed to "landscape my front lawn." FML

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By annonymus - 23/10/2014 00:57 - United States

Today, I flew to California to visit my younger sister at college. When I got to her house, her boyfriend looks at her and says, "She's not THAT ugly." FML

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Top comments

By iLike2Teabag | 27

#6114133 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:08

Holy mother of OP she's good.

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6114135 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:10

She's good. How the hell do you do that in church with nobody noticing.

COMMENTS

By iLike2Teabag | 27

#6114133 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:08

Holy mother of OP she's good.

Classy_Sassy_15 | 15

#6114569 - Sunday 9 November 2014 20:04

I hand it to her she's great but she shouldn't have told you that congrats on your second child though

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6114603 - Sunday 9 November 2014 20:42

And we also know the real reason OP's dad spontaneously yelled out "oh God!" in church.

jalmanza2580 | 11

#6114678 - Sunday 9 November 2014 23:23

she's 19 and has 1 kid and is happy about another on the way??

llalala_fml | 19

#6114928 - Monday 10 November 2014 3:55

#75 hands it to her

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6114955 - Monday 10 November 2014 4:33

Who's 19? Wutchu talkin bout, Willis?

atav | 17

#6115097 - Monday 10 November 2014 8:35

@90 #82 assumed that the op is 19 since their username ends in 97, although that would only make the op 17.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6115196 - Monday 10 November 2014 13:46

Holy Jizz...

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6114135 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:10

She's good. How the hell do you do that in church with nobody noticing.

FrutLoopDingus | 19

#6114180 - Sunday 9 November 2014 10:16

That's what I was thinking! OP tell your mom great job

Mekeritrig | 15

#6114184 - Sunday 9 November 2014 10:23

The husband probably had an article of clothing on his lap under which the wife snuck her hand and did the deed. Impressive.

may14th | 26

#6114229 - Sunday 9 November 2014 12:44

God noticed.

tony1891 | 22

#6114299 - Sunday 9 November 2014 14:28

perhaps Everyone thought he was shouting "oh god" cause he was feeling the sermon.

Enslaved | 36

#6114331 - Sunday 9 November 2014 15:29

Everyone else's eyes were closed during prayer time?

AddictGamer | 16

#6114594 - Sunday 9 November 2014 20:29

I jacked off on a bus without anyone noticing ~ beat that OP's mother. And #48, that would have to be a quickie then.

BSnapZ | 21

#6115084 - Monday 10 November 2014 7:59

#77 I feel like it would be a lot easier to do it to yourself than it would be to do it to someone else...

By DenBriZel | 31

#6114136 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:11

I am very curious as to how she managed to pull that off.. 0.0

cakefete2 | 30

#6114293 - Sunday 9 November 2014 14:20

Well played pun. I salute you.

sarkaar | 30

#6114408 - Sunday 9 November 2014 17:38

I hope she didn't literally pull it off. :-)

pugpuggy | 21

#6127358 - Monday 24 November 2014 23:56

Well, you gotta 'hand' it her.

By flurpiee | 14

#6114139 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:12

Well congratulations on expecting!

By Witchylady | 17

#6114141 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:13

Wow your mother is a piece of work. Congratulations on the news about your second child.

By MRP360 | 14

#6114142 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:13

pop open the brain bleach!

Sandman366 | 6

#6114830 - Monday 10 November 2014 1:45

Um, I ran out. Where do you get yours?

By sicksadworld1317 | 30

#6114143 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:14

We need time machines. That way, you could have shot back "The real achievement is that I got knocked up in church. It's an immaculate conception! If you want me to aim any higher than that, you're screwed."