Kids: Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second...

By jennabee97 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

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Kids

There's no helping some people

Hard no

Snitches get bitches

By Passive ass aggressor - 8/4/2021 02:00

Cranky

Today, my boyfriend hasn’t asked for sex in a while, like months, and when I asked him about it he admitted that every day I shout at him, snap at him or act bitchy about anything not his fault, he has a wank and goes to sleep rather than bother asking me for sex. FML

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By Mr Eek

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

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By SierraDiaz2097 - United States - Vardaman

Today, I sneezed. My boyfriend told me to shut up. FML

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By Misky

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wooster

Today, we got new seats in class today. The guy placed next to me, turned, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "The balls are the warmest place on the body" while his hands were in his pants. I'm stuck next to him for the rest of the semester. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to tan naked in a secluded part of my yard, so I wouldn't get tan lines. I even felt adventurous enough to leave my bikini and towel inside. This idea backfired however when my mom stopped home from work, assumed I wasn't home, and locked all the doors before she left again. FML

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By aeterne - United States

Today, my boss informed me that it is now my responsibility to wash the dishes, since my co-workers are consistently too lazy to clean up after themselves. I have a bachelor's degree. Which I earned at the same university I now work at. FML

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By twitch

Today, on Maury…

Today, I found out I'm pregnant after 14 years of being told I'll likely never have kids. My fiancé has a 7 year-old child with a woman who used it to stop him from leaving her. Yesterday, she filed a false report/restraining order to keep him from his kid, because he refused to leave me. FML

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By ali - United States - Livingston

Today, I was having an argument with my girlfriend in front of our friends. I didn't want her to spoil my good time, so I ignored her until she disappeared. She re-appeared thirty minutes later just to throw a punch that would make Muhammad Ali jealous. Our friends' reaction? They clapped. FML

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By PissNTra - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML

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By CA19oo - United States - Buford

Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spearfish

Today, my dumbass cat sat on a lit candle. The whole house now smells like burnt hair and I now have to clip clumps of wax-burnt hair off his bum. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I dropped the collection basket during Christmas Mass at my Catholic church. Money and checks fell all over the floor and everyone was staring at me. I was too stunned to even pick it up. There were about 1,500 people from our town there and my family won't stop bringing it up. FML

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By Simon Cowell

Today, I realised my teeth are so stained that they look cleaner when I've not brushed them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my neighbors. Their 5 year-old had finally fallen asleep at 11 after two hours of stories and songs. No sooner had I tip toed out of the room did I realize that my cell phone had dropped out of my pocket onto the bed. It was ringing. It was their mother checking in. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I found out that you need to clean your car more often when you find a mouldy burrito under the back seat. FML

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By supercharged - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I came back from a week-long vacation where I had no internet whatsoever. I turned on my phone to get notifications, hoping to see a message or two that I'd missed while gone. There was 1 notification, telling me how many FMLs were posted while I was away. FML

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By lovesucks - Australia

Today, I finally got the courage to go up and ask out the girl I have loved for a couple of months now. After she said yes, I was over the moon and ran home to tell my roommate. The next day, I saw her making out with another man. When I confronted her, she said "Oh, you were serious yesterday?" FML

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By brigitte - France - Noyon

Today, I met my biological father for the first time. He seemed to be slightly intoxicated from the outset, and less than half an hour later, he had tried to intimidate me into "loaning" him several hundred euros for reasons he wouldn't tell me. So long, "dad". FML

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By ktorih137 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was dancing in the passenger seat of my car with my family when a cop pulled us over. He thought I was trying to flag him down for help. I guess I'm not as good of a dancer as I thought. FML

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By Xero_316 - Canada

Paperboy on Commodore 64

Today, I was doing my paper route. I throw the papers onto people's driveways while sitting on the back of my dad's truck. To be funny my dad decided to suddenly speed up, causing me to fall off the back of the truck, face first onto the road. He didn't realize I fell off and kept driving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend at the airport after studying abroad for a year. She ran to hug me, and I wanted to pick her up and spin her around, like they do in those romantic movies. I tried to do that, but instead I dropped her. FML

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By jacks_smirking_revenge - United States

Today, while out to lunch, my sister called me and asked me to pick her up from the mall. I told her she'd have to wait. She got pissed off and started cursing at me, so I hung up on her. She called me back 37 times until I answered and yelled "WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?" It was my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to a snake. Not because of the size or shape, but because a snake is not something she imagines herself ever touching. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2020 20:06 - United States - Orange

For the union makes us strong

Today, I found out that the owner of my workplace hasn't been paying any of the bills and that all 10 people on my crew and I will be losing our jobs in a matter of days. FML

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By monogamyisalie - United States

Today, an attractive man hit on me for the first time since I ended my 3-year relationship with my cheating ex. Then the man told me he'd just gotten out of prison last week. FML

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By YouDontSay - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for ages. We were lying in his bed afterwards, and he mumbled the word "happy". I thought it was really sweet, until he repeated himself. "My girlfriend probably won't be too happy about this." FML

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By KiwiBlam - New Zealand

Today, I was racing some mates to the beach and I decided to take a short-cut by jumping over a low wall. I didn't realise the wall was to stop people falling into the stormwater drain. Which is 3 metres deep. And has razor-sharp oysters growing at the bottom. FML

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By not getting any anymore - United States

Today, while I was making out with my boyfriend, he left my dorm suddenly without telling me where he was going. A few hours later, he texted me to tell me that being with me made him feel dirty and he had gone to confession. He then called me a sinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 08:02

Take care

Today, after close to 10 years of marriage, my wife’s health has improved enough she is craving sex again. Just not with me. FML

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By zyordz - Peru

Today, I was working at a soup kitchen with people from my church. Seeing a rather disheveled couple, I told them the line started "over there". Only then did I realize that they were from my church, and were there to help serve soup. FML

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By Michael - Australia

Today, my 4 year old daughter was ripping out photos of the family photo book, I asked her why she was doing it she answered, "I saw mummy doing it to another book." The only other family photo book was the day we got married. FML

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By mmvv - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that my boyfriend occasionally wets the bed. He's 25 and we're moving in together next month. FML

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By Innocent

Today, I came home to a furious wife and an answering machine message from a woman neither of us know claiming I got her pregnant. My wife won't believe she got the wrong number. FML

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By ripped - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my cat used my head as a springboard and ripped my earring out with her claw. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had a conversation about how Victoria Beckham ate fruit salad for her birthday, as if it was an important subject. FML

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By experience_to_get_experience - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I turned 25. I'm single, still living at home and doing an unpaid internship in an industry I have no interest in, because it was the only accepted application after 6 months of unemployment. The daily 45-minute drive means I'm losing money every week for being "employed" with a PhD. FML

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By Partyofthree

Today, I work at a private pool where I can get up to six people in for free. Naturally, I invited my crush. She brought her boyfriend. FML

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By left4dead - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went on a field trip with some people from school. I'm currently confined to a wheelchair, so I had to rely on my sister to get around. She eventually went off with her friends, assuming that the people nearby would keep me company. Five minutes later, they'd all left me. FML

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By sourgirl101

Is he the guy from the earlier FML??

Today, my husband's number was mistakenly added to a group chat of my co-workers dealing with COVID-19. Despite my asking him to stop, he keeps sending corny memes that has offended most of them. FML

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Top comments

By iLike2Teabag | 27

#6114133 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:08

Holy mother of OP she's good.

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6114135 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:10

She's good. How the hell do you do that in church with nobody noticing.

COMMENTS

By iLike2Teabag | 27

#6114133 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:08

Holy mother of OP she's good.

Classy_Sassy_15 | 15

#6114569 - Sunday 9 November 2014 20:04

I hand it to her she's great but she shouldn't have told you that congrats on your second child though

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6114603 - Sunday 9 November 2014 20:42

And we also know the real reason OP's dad spontaneously yelled out "oh God!" in church.

jalmanza2580 | 11

#6114678 - Sunday 9 November 2014 23:23

she's 19 and has 1 kid and is happy about another on the way??

llalala_fml | 19

#6114928 - Monday 10 November 2014 3:55

#75 hands it to her

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6114955 - Monday 10 November 2014 4:33

Who's 19? Wutchu talkin bout, Willis?

atav | 17

#6115097 - Monday 10 November 2014 8:35

@90 #82 assumed that the op is 19 since their username ends in 97, although that would only make the op 17.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6115196 - Monday 10 November 2014 13:46

Holy Jizz...

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6114135 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:10

She's good. How the hell do you do that in church with nobody noticing.

FrutLoopDingus | 19

#6114180 - Sunday 9 November 2014 10:16

That's what I was thinking! OP tell your mom great job

Mekeritrig | 15

#6114184 - Sunday 9 November 2014 10:23

The husband probably had an article of clothing on his lap under which the wife snuck her hand and did the deed. Impressive.

may14th | 26

#6114229 - Sunday 9 November 2014 12:44

God noticed.

tony1891 | 22

#6114299 - Sunday 9 November 2014 14:28

perhaps Everyone thought he was shouting "oh god" cause he was feeling the sermon.

Enslaved | 36

#6114331 - Sunday 9 November 2014 15:29

Everyone else's eyes were closed during prayer time?

AddictGamer | 16

#6114594 - Sunday 9 November 2014 20:29

I jacked off on a bus without anyone noticing ~ beat that OP's mother. And #48, that would have to be a quickie then.

BSnapZ | 21

#6115084 - Monday 10 November 2014 7:59

#77 I feel like it would be a lot easier to do it to yourself than it would be to do it to someone else...

By DenBriZel | 31

#6114136 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:11

I am very curious as to how she managed to pull that off.. 0.0

cakefete2 | 30

#6114293 - Sunday 9 November 2014 14:20

Well played pun. I salute you.

sarkaar | 30

#6114408 - Sunday 9 November 2014 17:38

I hope she didn't literally pull it off. :-)

pugpuggy | 21

#6127358 - Monday 24 November 2014 23:56

Well, you gotta 'hand' it her.

By flurpiee | 14

#6114139 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:12

Well congratulations on expecting!

By Witchylady | 17

#6114141 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:13

Wow your mother is a piece of work. Congratulations on the news about your second child.

By MRP360 | 14

#6114142 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:13

pop open the brain bleach!

Sandman366 | 6

#6114830 - Monday 10 November 2014 1:45

Um, I ran out. Where do you get yours?

By sicksadworld1317 | 30

#6114143 - Sunday 9 November 2014 9:14

We need time machines. That way, you could have shot back "The real achievement is that I got knocked up in church. It's an immaculate conception! If you want me to aim any higher than that, you're screwed."