Today, I dragged myself to work, suffering from a bad cold. My... - FML

By Nick - Australia - Baulkham Hills

Today, I dragged myself to work, suffering from a bad cold. My boss quietly told me to go home and rest, to avoid spreading it around the office. I thought it odd since he dislikes me so much, but I did as he said. He called later in the day to suspend me for leaving work early. FML

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There's no helping some people

Great quality control

How's your hovel?

By Vlad

Today, we found out that the drinks we've had for our Christmas party at work yesterday were expired. For anything between six and eleven months. All of us drank them. FML

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By Trapped. - United States - Birmingham

Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML

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By :/ - Netherlands - Nijkerk

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for 2 months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

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By familyhatesme - United States - Kingston

Today, I was at my grandma's funeral. While giving the eulogy, I accidentally mixed up "You will be missed" and "You won't be forgotten" and instead said "You won't be missed." FML

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By Sios - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that my apartment complex has no rules against having charcoal grills on the porch. So did the guy who lives below me. FML

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By wormsick - United States

Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn't nearly as effective when it comes to weight loss as I had originally thought. It turns out what really accounts for all the weight I've been losing is tape worms. FML

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By c

Today, I finally got up the courage to tell my boyfriend of a year and a half that I love him. His response was to start to snore, pretending to be asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 14:03

Hairy situation

Today, after taking hair growth pills and using hair growth medicated shampoos, I have not seen any different in my thinning hair. Can't say the same about the hair sprouting on my knuckles, chin, and toes. My pubes are very thick, silky, and luscious thanks to the treatment. I'm a woman. FML

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By Rhine - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, at a Christmas party, my crush came up to me and cutely pointed out that I was standing under mistletoe. The only response my stupid brain could think of was, "Probably full of nargles though." He gave me a confused look and walked away. FML

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By GreatParenting - United States - Nampa

Today, I had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night. Even though they know I don't have any money, let alone shoes on my feet, my parents have decided it's far too much trouble to come pick me up because we're on vacation and they want to have fun. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were chatting on MSN. He had to go run down to the corner market but left his webcam on. Shortly after he left I watched his mother steal 60 dollars out of his wallet. He doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to use anti-perspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

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By egsrox95

Today, my best friend had the balls to call me an alcoholic. She snuck vodka on a cruise ship in a Listerine bottle. I've never had a drink. FML

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By Username - Reserved

Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and his girlfriend, they woke me at the crack of dawn to apologize for being so loud. FML

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By Shoe - United States

Today, my boss told me he suspected his wife was cheating on him. I told him to pull up her Facebook page to look for suspicious activity. I looked at her profile picture and said, "Damn, that girl next to her fine! You know her?" It was his sixteen year old daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, the family computer kept overheating. My four-year-old son thought the solution was to pour a nice, cold cup of water on it. FML

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By dog got ur phone

Today, I was playing music from my phone, which was on the couch. I guess my dog got jealous, because she picked it up and ran over to the toilet, promptly dropping it right in. FML

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By Rick - United States - Spartanburg

Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML

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By TheHatedOne - Qatar

Today, my friend told me she had a stalker who had been emailing her. I laughed, and told her it was probably some fat, ugly virgin sat behind his computer all day. I then continued to describe and mock the stalker, only to realise that I was basically describing myself. FML

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By geena - United States - Washington

Today, while at work being a waitress, I gave my customer his credit card receipt to sign. Instead of giving him a pen, I pulled a tampon out of my apron pocket and handed it to him. FML

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By bastard magnet - United States

Today, I came home crying after my boyfriend dumped me for another girl. My dad told me to come tell him what was wrong. I sat down and let it all out, after which he looked up from his book, into my eyes, and gave me his loving advice: "Just cry about it and move on to another bastard." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Why do people do this?

Today, a friend showed me my husband's online dating profile, which includes photos of him with our kids. FML

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By 20lbknockout - United States

Today, I was exercising, laid on my back, lifting weights over my head. My boyfriend thought it would be funny to casually sit by my feet and suddenly tickle them mercilessly. Caught off guard, I started wiggling, laughed and dropped the weights. On my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Alarmed

Today, after 5 hours of attempting to sleep, I began to finally drift off. Then, some fuckwit who'd parked his car right outside my door took 20 minutes to switch his alarm off. I have to be up in about 4 hours, after a 12-hour night shift, heading into another. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, when I got home from work, my fiancé was finishing up with the plumber who had just installed new fixtures for our shower. I decided that I was going to be the first to break it in. I went to the bathroom, got undressed and went to start the water. The OTHER plumber was still in there. FML

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By JessicaandGhazi - 9/6/2020 08:04

So hard

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in bed after having sex. I commented on him still having an erection after having an orgasm. He said it happens whenever he has a strong orgasm. Then he added, "And surprisingly, I was even thinking about you when it happened." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I had to do a presentation in front of my entire school. I was very nervous, so I used the old trick of picturing everyone naked. Everyone then got a good view of my erection. FML

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By Aaron - United States

Today, I was watching a video about spiders. When I felt a tickle on my foot, I kicked hard in panic. It was one of our newborn kittens walking. I almost killed it. FML

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By gman

Today, I've been seeing this girl for three months. After asking her if she'd like to go out to eat with me, I realized that she never called me by my name, just "hey you". While we were out, I wondered what she had me saved as, so I texted her when she got up to use the restroom. It was "free food". FML

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By joe - France

Today, the only man who has ever fallen in love with me is bald. FML

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By really - United States - Denver

Today, I realized my boyfriend's right hand gets more action in a week than I do in a month. FML

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By WTFsalad - United States

Today, I was leaving Wal-Mart with my daughter when a man was speeding the wrong way in the parking lot. To avoid getting hit, I pulled over to the side. He thought I was going the wrong way. He got out cursing and screaming and punched a dent in my hood. FML

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By OhaiiKid - United States

Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML

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By goblue - United States

Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I've never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was talking with some of my friends who are girls. They were all complaining about how there was no good boys left to ask to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Hoping for an invite I mentioned I was still availiable. They just laughed at me and invited me to come dress shopping with them. FML

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By Nikki - United States - Newark

Today, my live-in-boyfriend lost his job. Jokingly, I told him that we weren't going to have sex until he found a new job. He then turned to me with the most excited look I have ever seen on his face and said "I am going to stay unemployed forever!" He was serious. FML

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By blech - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I witnessed my dad rummage through his nostrils, thoughtfully examine the contents, and flick them nonchalantly onto the carpet. All of this he did with the biggest demented grin on his face. Sadly, this has become a regular occurrence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is a Mormon, when his mother greeted me saying how happy she was her son had found himself a Mormon girlfriend. I know nothing about Mormonism, except from what I've seen on South Park, and I'm an atheist. FML

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By boss stabber - United States - Kings Beach

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for saying "It's a stab in the dark, though." According to him, it's a euphemism for anal sex and I was being offensive to a gay colleague, the same one who kept insisting it was no problem. I got written up anyway. FML

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By flea-bitten - United States

Today, I was discussing possible career choices with my relatives. Pretty much everyone expressed the belief that I'm screwed for life, with my grandma commenting later: "She ain't even got the tits for porn. God help her." FML

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Top comments

By UsernameAnxiety | 14

#5615529 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:03

That's a bitch move.

By meggieeee92 | 15

#5615531 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:04

You should have went back to work and coughed and breathed your germs all over him so he gets sick.

COMMENTS

By UsernameAnxiety | 14

#5615529 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:03

That's a bitch move.

Reply

webbface | 25

#5615640 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:45

Report him to HR or find a better job? Lol what a dick.

Reply

phoneYuNOlisten | 16

#5615657 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 20:00

I'll help the cause!

Reply

nurchok | 15

#5615661 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 20:01

Always ALWAYS ALWAYS send an email if you have to leave early. Even if you've been told to go. Doesn't have to be long, just something in the lines of "

Reply

Nyx_fml | 23

#5616132 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 2:49

That really was quite short, nurchok.

By kewlaidman10 | 15

#5615530 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:03

What an asshole.

Reply

Pesticides | 19

#5615692 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 20:25

if you kill your boss he won't be able to suspend you op...

Reply

firefighter925 | 18

#5615705 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 20:32

Jail time would suck though. #35

Reply

AngelSpit | 18

#5616468 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 6:51

Jail time only comes with getting caught

By meggieeee92 | 15

#5615531 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:04

You should have went back to work and coughed and breathed your germs all over him so he gets sick.

Reply

beautiful_hope | 16

#5615549 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:09

I would go spit on/lick everything in his office. Saliva is a good way to transfer germs.

Reply

Llama_Face89 | 33

#5615586 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:24

Yes...use your hate...

Reply

TheModernPatriot | 13

#5615925 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 23:48

Spread it amongst the masses like a virus ad watch it infect THE WORLD!!!!

By rhysfucker | 24

#5615536 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:05

Always ask for, or send, a confirmation e-mail when dealing with people like that. Sorry, OP.

By michelleJ11 | 25

#5615538 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:05

You deserve better OP! Be happy that you can get away from your ass of a boss now. I bet you'll find a much better job, then you can thank him for firing you & rub it in his face.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5615550 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:09

OP wasn't fired; he was suspended. Also, I wouldn't thank any boss for firing me. That sort of thing follows you around on your résumé, not to mention the bad reference you might get from him when your potential employers call.

Reply

michelleJ11 | 25

#5615639 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:45

Whoops, guess I read it wrong ...

By KB616 | 11

#5615542 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:06

What a dick.

By perdix | 29

#5615543 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:07

He doesn't dislike you that much. If he did, he'd call in the military accusing you of waging biological warfare on his workforce!

Reply

beautiful_hope | 16

#5615551 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:10

I get the impression this has happened to you before.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5615720 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 20:39

Close, I once got fired for calling my boss a Nazi-loving pedophile. Hey, it was true!

Reply

thisguy22 | 33

#5615946 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 0:03

How does he find Nazi children these days?

By rocker_chick105 | 31

#5615547 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:07

Spit in his coffee

By olpally | 32

#5615552 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:10

What a heartless docuhe waffle! Most bosses are like that though :/ you need motherfucker jones. Haha.

Reply

olpally | 32

#5615690 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 20:24

Douche* fuck.

By beautiful_hope | 16

#5615556 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:12

I'd report him to corporate & the BBB. I don't care who he is to the company, he can't treat people that way. I agree with #4 & #5. Get everything in writing from now on. Even if you just write up something that says what they told you & put the date on it & make him sign it & write the date as well. It's better than nothing. Feel better, OP.