Intimacy: Today, I discovered why the toilet seat is often sticky in the... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered why the toilet seat is often sticky in the morning. My husband is too lazy to lift the seat, instead opting to pee all over it and sleepily wipe it down with loo paper if he notices a splash. He doesn't see why it's a problem since he 'cleans' it. FML

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Instadrama

Glass half empty

Freaked out

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I have food poisoning. My boss told me that if I didn't come into work, I'd be fired. Not 30 minutes after sitting down, I sneezed and shat my pants. My boss still won't let me leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 12:01 - Canada - Charlottetown

No, not them!

Today, after there was only one family that hated me enough to beat me up when we were kids, and we still don't get along as adults, my youngest brother is now dating into that family, and one of my older brothers is dating into that family too. It's like some kinda sick curse, or karma. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML

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By Terra

Today, I logged on Facebook and saw my friend who'd been engaged, then broke the engagement, then got back together announce their new wedding date: three days before my wedding. She also sent me a message asking if I'd move my date. We've been planning our wedding for two years. She got engaged six months ago. FML

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By claubea11 - Puerto Rico - Ponce

Today, I decided to light a lantern and watch it fly with my girlfriend after midnight. The neighbor's tree caught fire. FML

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By DWIcop

Today, while leaving our county courthouse after testifying as the arresting officer in multiple DWI cases, I hit a wrong way sign in the court’s parking lot. All the defense attorneys were outside, asking me if I was drunk. FML

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By BDSarah

Special

Today, my mom introduced me to everyone we met as her "special needs child." They all seemed to believe her. FML

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By PizzaPants - United States - Denver

Today, I dropped a pizza I made. Don't worry though, I caught it between my hands and legs. I no longer have fingerprints on my right hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Encino

Today, a friend told me that when I read, I make all the expressions the characters in the book are making. Apparently, I have been doing this since I was a kid, and no one ever told me. FML

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By EKG - United States

Today, after being in the hospital for 2 days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roseville

Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML

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By TrueSoulmates

Today, after a year of struggling to get over my anxiety disorder so that I don't have a panic attack every time I go to see my boyfriend, I've been informed that his anxiety has now flared and he gets anxious when texting me. It's a lose-lose, and I'm now causing him the same hell I've felt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I logged on to Facebook to find that my boyfriend's relationship status had changed to in a relationship with his ex. I asked him about it, and all he said was, "I guess I forgot to break up with you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milton

Today, a guy tried to carjack me. Good news: I drive a stick shift, and the idiot apparently couldn't, so I still have my car. Bad news: he was so angry, he beat the shit out of me. I had to get stitches, and now I look like I went on a date with Chris Brown. FML

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By Somebody - 19/8/2020 17:01

Thanks for nothing

Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML

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By volvo_owner - 10/2/2021 02:01 - Germany - Harsefeld

Vandals!

Today, I wanted to go shopping in my new car that I bought just a month ago. When I stepped outside, I saw someone had smashed the driver side's window. They didn't even steal anything. FML

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By soreloser - United States - Manhattan

Today, I beat my extremely competitive friend in a game of pool. He responded by breaking a pool stick over my head. FML

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By the other guy? - Australia - Perth

Today, I was watching last week's episode of The Walking Dead with my girlfriend. When the gang leader explained the rules of the group to Daryl, I reached over, grabbed my girlfriend's boobs and yelled, "Claimed!" She shot back, "Yeah, they are. But not by you." FML

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By JustAnotherTina - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Appropriate?

Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

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By slowrunner - United States

Today, I was running the 100m sprint in a track meet. Me and another girl were tied for dead last. When we finished, she complained, "It's so embarrassing how slow I am today. I have shin splints. What happened to you?" I was actually running my hardest. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a mall bathroom when two girls started making out in the stall next to me. Before I could leave, they got really into it and caused our shared wall to tear from its hinges and collapse on top of me. FML

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By u raised him

Today, my 17-year-old son attempted to rob the bank I work at while I was off shift. FML

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By fml_forever32 - United States

Today, I was in the bus on my way home. I was reading a book, and drops of something were getting all over it. It was the man sitting next to me who was asleep and drooling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called a guy who had requested a free marketing consultation for his funeral home through the internet a couple of days ago. When I got through, the receptionist seemed a little taken back by me wanting to talk to him. He had died and was buried yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving to work in heavy traffic, I got so into the song I was listening to that I tapped my foot on the gas to the beat. I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 11:00 - Australia

BDSM FML

Today, I realised I need to grow up when I couldn’t stop laughing throughout a very serious meeting entitled, “Master / Sub Remediation Program.” It’s about electricity meters. FML

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By xetsa - France

Today, I realized for the last year that my husband has been home from Iraq, I haven't gotten more than a few hours of sleep at night. Not because he gets nightmares, but because he now snores so loud that the pets sleep at the other end of the house to get rest. FML

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By boopingsnoot

Today, while working at the vet, we had a familiar little dog show up for a minor procedure. The dog always sits on its owner's lap on the drive over, and always gets peed on. Not talking about dog pee. And we're not allowed to bathe it because that service costs extra. FML

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By Chris - United States - Lakewood

Today, my ex-girlfriend was supposed to pick up her things. I decided to take a nap. Thirty minutes later, I woke up with two police officers hammering on my door. They'd come to get my ex-girlfriend's things and said they were "watching me." That's the last time I date a cop's daughter. FML

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By marenthehollow - United States - American Fork

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for saving them money. FML

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By pansypup - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I discovered that my 100-pound Rottweiler is absolutely terrified of (drumroll please) orange peels. Yup. A byproduct of my lunch will turn this hulking monolith with teeth into a whimpering puddle of pee. FML

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By fat fat fat fat fat - 23/3/2021 05:01

Thicker than blood

Today, despite the fact that I’ve been battling cancer for the past year and was hospitalized for Covid, all my family can talk about is how much weight I’ve gained. Yeah, not like being out of work, quarantined and on a ton of meds has anything to do with it. Thanks guys. FML

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By Ropebunnbon

Today, after leaving for the city inspector to make sure everything was up to code, my husband and I remembered that we'd forgotten to take down the rope bondage setup and equipment in the closet. We came home to paperwork on the kitchen counter and the closet door open. FML

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By missmolliss - United States - Norfolk

Today, I keep getting calls from companies that I applied to for interviews. The thing is, I moved 1,000 miles away a week ago because I couldn't find a job. FML

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By stupidpolicia - Brazil

Today, the gas station right in front of my apartment had people listening to loud music all night. I have this 3 hour test at 7:30am and didn't get any sleep. Worst of all, here in Brazil, calling the police won't help a thing. Instead of actually helping, they'll stop and join the party. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was woken up by an overly sappy good morning text from my boyfriend, complete with kissy-face images. Before I could text him back, he sent a follow-up. "Oops. Wrong person." Wait, what? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while trying to help my disabled uncle into his walker, his one testicle popped out of the leg of his short shorts. I asked him to adjust himself and had to hold on to his walker as he did it. FML

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By dontbuysamsung - United Kingdom - London

Today, my mobile phone wouldn't turn on. I took it in to the phone store, but they won't fix or replace it because the account is in my dad's name, not mine. He's abroad for the next month, and the only way to get a hold of him is on a number I only stored on my phone. FML

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By distressed - Australia - Burwood

Today, my mother worked out that my boyfriend and I are having sex. Instead of confronting me about it, she now just sits and stares at me judgmentally whenever I'm in the same room as her, making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. FML

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By Anonymous

Zing!

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

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Top comments

By Seeya55 | 31

#7404947 - Sunday 5 February 2017 12:26

This is when you eat something that dries sticky and put your hands on his steering wheel. Wipe it with a napkin, cause that'll be clean!

Or use his toothbrush to clean it?

Seriously though, talk to him about it more. Tell him you'd prefer to not sit on dried piss, as I'm almost positive he wouldn't either if you worded it disgustingly enough!

By GhostFox | 33

#7405045 - Sunday 5 February 2017 17:01

Buy wipes, and tell him to use them, or that he's going to be giving the toilet a full cleaning every day, since he hasn't bothered to house break himself.

COMMENTS

By kpoakes | 20

#7404942 - Sunday 5 February 2017 12:20

I bet that made you really pissed.

By Seeya55 | 31

#7404947 - Sunday 5 February 2017 12:26

This is when you eat something that dries sticky and put your hands on his steering wheel. Wipe it with a napkin, cause that'll be clean!

Or use his toothbrush to clean it?

Seriously though, talk to him about it more. Tell him you'd prefer to not sit on dried piss, as I'm almost positive he wouldn't either if you worded it disgustingly enough!

By Youre_A_Pussy | 19

#7404976 - Sunday 5 February 2017 13:43

First time I heard anyone call tp loo paper

By Moerighan | 23

#7405013 - Sunday 5 February 2017 15:25

I'm more concerned why your husband's pee is sticky.

Reply

Seeya55 | 31

#7405020 - Sunday 5 February 2017 15:43

If it's in the morning, it probably isn't completely dry as she'd be right after him. I have two young boys, pee can be tacky if there's large droplets!

Reply

my2centsworth | 15

#7405388 - Monday 6 February 2017 4:57

Sticky pee can be an indication of diabetes.

By ASLGabby | 9

#7405019 - Sunday 5 February 2017 15:36

Sounds like a sticky situation

By pjsr | 32

#7405024 - Sunday 5 February 2017 15:53

Tell him he should aim to please you

By GhostFox | 33

#7405045 - Sunday 5 February 2017 17:01

Buy wipes, and tell him to use them, or that he's going to be giving the toilet a full cleaning every day, since he hasn't bothered to house break himself.

By Catdragon | 40

#7405065 - Sunday 5 February 2017 17:39

put the complete lid down and see if he likes that!

By Catdragon | 40

#7405066 - Sunday 5 February 2017 17:40

or how about you get a lock and key for the bathroom? he'll have to ask for it every time he needs to go. that should teach him.

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#7405078 - Sunday 5 February 2017 18:08

The truly sad part is the slight effort he does make puts him ahead of 90% of men...

Reply

loucypher | 2

#7405176 - Sunday 5 February 2017 20:48

Speak for yourself.