Intimacy: Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 456

You deserved it 121

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186

You deserved it 1 593

07/03/2011 07:28

Spicy

Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 370

You deserved it 6 053

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Menace II Society

Drumroll please

01/05/2015 14:24

Today, I told my friends I was kissed by a girl. They said "Yeah, probably by your mom." The sad thing is, they were right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 658

You deserved it 12 454

27/06/2019 20:00

Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 125

You deserved it 700

31/12/2008 18:23

Today, I crashed my car racing backwards and told my parents I was rear ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 096

You deserved it 47 994

26/10/2014 05:53

Today, I was shopping at my workplace, out of uniform, with my husband. A customer recognised me and wanted me to serve him, but I couldn't since we can be fired for doing so while off-duty. He complained to my manager, who wasted no time publicly bitching me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 150

You deserved it 2 653

31/03/2009 00:39

Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have it off with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 105 978

You deserved it 17 857

26/03/2009 23:49

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend in the hallway of our school, and once we got to his class, I leaned in for a kiss. Surprising me, he leaned away, and I asked what was wrong. He told me he's glad we're going out, but just doesn't want anyone to know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 605

You deserved it 5 099

05/04/2013 00:10

Today, I had to give a 15-minute presentation for a conference. I hadn't had the time to write out a proper speech so I decided to just wing it. My sponsor liked my presentation so much he wants me to turn it into an article. Now if only I could remember what I said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 182

You deserved it 12 417

13/09/2012 20:37

Today, my car alarm went off at a funeral, three times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 736

You deserved it 3 728

14/12/2012 19:19

Today, I avoided having to wash the dishes by faking a cold. My sucker of a wife believed me and hopped off my balls about it. Later on, after I made a miraculous recovery, she told me to take out the trash. It's freezing outside and raining, and I feel a very real cold coming on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 949

You deserved it 79 123

20/10/2010 07:11

Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 630

You deserved it 5 860

21/12/2009 00:20

Spicy

Today, I bought a laptop so that I could have dirty video chats with my internet girlfriend. I got home only to find that the only place I can get a decent wifi signal is in front of my mom's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 562

You deserved it 24 065

31/01/2012 18:45

Today, I submitted my 208th job application in less than a year, and went to my 83rd and 84th interviews, only to be told once again that I'm over-qualified for the first, and under-qualified for the second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 833

You deserved it 2 427

28/09/2018 17:30

Today, because I had to leave the country without notice and didn't have reception to notify my college, I have been irreversibly dropped from all my classes without a refund and will have to reapply for January. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 405

You deserved it 512

05/02/2010 13:44

Today, I laughed so hard my milk went out my nose in front of the boy I liked. Then, since I was laughing so hard about that, I accidentally farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 122

You deserved it 8 716

13/03/2010 05:18

Today, my new anti-social cat started rubbing on my leg. I thought she must be warming up to me. Then, I looked at my leg and saw she smeared poo all over my work pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 144

You deserved it 3 369

23/04/2013 02:48

Today, I found out I was an alcoholic. Not from my friends or family, but because the ice-maker couldn't keep up with the amount of drinks I've been making. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 638

You deserved it 19 668

10/11/2018 12:00

Today, I saw my boyfriend coming up the walkway to our home. When I opened the door to greet him with a huge smile on my face, he scowled at me and angrily said, "I don't know why you have to do that!" Smile gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 977

You deserved it 414

20/07/2017 23:00

Today, an Asian man approached me and called me pretty. I thanked him and he asked if I'm Chinese. When I said, "No, I'm Taiwanese" he promptly spat in my face and called me a "traitor to the motherland." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 046

You deserved it 509

Meow meow

By failed_catgirl - 19/10/2010 23:24

Spicy

Today, for my boyfriend's 19th birthday, I decided to dress up as a sexy cat girl for him, complete with ears, tail, matching sexy underwear, collar and leash. He wouldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 391

You deserved it 38 770

10/02/2015 03:15

Today, I responded to an emergency call for an intoxicated 83-year-old man with chest pains. As I leaned forward to check his lung sounds, he groped my chest and said, "Nice rack". I just wanted to see if he had difficulty breathing. I don't even get paid for this, I'm a volunteer for the town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 491

You deserved it 2 812

24/10/2018 15:00

Today, after months of being told I'm just being paranoid, my hallmates admitted and proved that there really is a dorm-wide conspiracy to socially isolate me. I don’t know what I did wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 478

You deserved it 187

07/05/2009 19:11

Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice the car coming up behind her because her headphones were in. As I pulled her out of the way, she thought I was goofing around and shoved me back... in front of the car. I got hit and rolled off the hood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 129 050

You deserved it 6 543

26/04/2013 22:03

Today, at work, I was screamed at and slapped by a woman for supposedly violating her 2nd Amendment rights. In reality, I'd simply turned her away from the 10 items or less line because she had well over the allowed number of items. I've no fucking idea what's wrong with some people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 148

You deserved it 3 402

11/03/2016 22:09

Spicy

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 824

You deserved it 20 583

Waxing pubical

By Anonymous - 10/10/2019 16:00

Today, I was waxing my legs and somehow dropped an enormous dollop of hot wax on my naked crotch. I refused to yank it off, but still had to cut it off with scissors. So now I have a huge patch of pubic hair way shorter than the rest of it. It looks a right mess FML

I agree, your life sucks 965

You deserved it 927

29/01/2013 22:56

Today, I found out that my roommate has been switching my protein powder with chocolate milk mix and brown sugar. Since I work out frequently, I've been consuming large amounts of this and have gained at least 10 pounds of fat. His reason? I turned his bookbag inside out. Once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 083

You deserved it 9 152

28/10/2011 11:50

Today, I think my dad has finally lost his shit and is having a mid-life crisis. He showed up at my school and had me brought to the front desk. He told me to get in the car because we were going to have some "father-daughter bonding". This meant us watching Silent Hill with his work buddies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 115

You deserved it 2 580

06/09/2009 04:03

Today, my friend got drunk. We tried to get him into a cab, he punched me in the face, three chavs then accosted me, accusing me of trying to mug him. I was then beaten up by said chavs and then the police charged me for being drunk and disorderly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 179

You deserved it 3 452

17/06/2014 20:44

Today, while at the waterpark, some guy came up to me and profusely thanked me for wearing a one-piece swimsuit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 072

You deserved it 8 074

02/01/2011 09:36

Today, as a finisher to a date with my girlfriend we decided to park behind the school and mess around. As we were pulling into a dark shaded spot, she drove straight into a snow bank. We spent the rest of our time together trying to dig the car out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 618

You deserved it 27 595

02/01/2016 10:36

Today, my sister confessed that when she runs out of clean underwear, she uses mine. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't also put it back in my dresser afterwards so I wouldn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 725

You deserved it 1 336

28/01/2015 23:18

Today, I walked into a door on my way in to an interview, in front of the interviewer and a group of people waiting to be interviewed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 573

You deserved it 3 400

02/07/2013 03:37

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 790

You deserved it 9 786

08/10/2018 22:15

Today, I had a dream wherein a deep, sensual voice was talking sexy to me. "Yeah girl, you want this. Mmm." It wasn't the man of my dreams trying to seduce me. It was a piece of chocolate cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 926

You deserved it 505

16/07/2019 02:01

Today, I realized my boyfriend's family love and respect me more than my own family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 118

01/02/2010 05:45

Today, my friend was showing me pictures of her and her family. I told her to stop at one of the pictures. I started laughing my back off and said that she looked grotesque. She asked me if I was serious, I swore that I was. It was actually a picture of her sister, who died 1 year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 413

You deserved it 52 144

17/01/2010 15:18

Today, my mother woke me up at 4:30 A.M. to tell me our dog was running down the street. I ran for an hour, chasing after her. Turns out it was our new neighbor's dog. Ours was in our basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 832

You deserved it 4 117

14/07/2009 21:10

Today, my girlfriend's mom pulled me aside and started telling me about how her daughter was extremely depressed and suicidal before she met me, and how happy her family is because of me. I was planning on breaking up with her within the next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 525

You deserved it 9 084

04/11/2010 14:42

Today, I received an overdue bill for my now nonexistent car that caught fire in July. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 108

You deserved it 3 544

12/09/2016 09:56

Today, I was performing for a fairly large crowd with my band. I decided it would look cool to stand on one of the speakers and sing from there. It did look pretty cool for a bit until I tried to step off and fell face-first on the floor mid-song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 779

You deserved it 6 622

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Monday 7 March 2011 13:11

There's always the kitchen top, shower, pool table, car, hell even the ground if you're that way inclined. Abandon ship and find another, better place to port, Captain.

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:30

Here is a top tip for waterbed sex for you OP. Just go with the motion of the ocean and ride the waves of pleasure until you are floating in a pool of orgasmic waterfalls. ;-)

Comments

chorzo 0

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:13

is she a beached whale then.

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Monday 7 March 2011 14:57

I guess if you think of the place as the ocean... Then I guess so.

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Monday 7 March 2011 16:06

haha

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 8:20

Well at least now you can consider yourself a true semen.

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:13

Don't forget his sports bra during the action you don't want to get knocked out.

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:16

WTF it was for the man boobs one stupid iPhone

SchiTzenGiglez 0

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Monday 7 March 2011 13:13

haha word man I saw that

sephoraprincess 7

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:13

water beds are cool! soo jealous...

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:17

so you released your hot sticky fluid on your GF? sweeeet

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:45

I kno! I'm jealous too!

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:15

so you release your hot sticky fluid on your GF? sweeeet!

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:17

Nice....

1958x 6

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:17

That's hilarious.

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:18

Ahoy, I see booty dead ahead!

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Monday 7 March 2011 14:07

haha

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 10:07

lmao

shaunasykes97 0

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:20

You lose.

ConfusionsLoveMe 0

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Monday 7 March 2011 22:08

OP's boobs: (.) (.) Her boyfriend boobs: ( . ) ( . ) he wins.

ConfusionsLoveMe 0

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Monday 7 March 2011 22:14

Sorry, wrong post.

you_and_me_fml 8

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:25

suckss..take the party to your bed next time

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Monday 7 March 2011 12:28

urg... i hate waterbeds... now even a bit more...