Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making... - FML

By dizzy - Malaysia

Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML

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Instadrama

Emergency haircut

Understanding

By brodinn - United States - Florence

Today, I watched a drunk guy getting thrown out of a bar, then get tased on the sidewalk outside. He was our designated driver. FML

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By For - United States

Today, I asked my husband if he thought I was pretty. He replied "compared to what?" He was serious. FML

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By Weirdo - 22/11/2020 08:02

Technologically challenged

Today, once again, my mom chewed me out for, “playing games on the computer all day.” I’m not playing, it’s 3D modeling, and it’s my job. FML

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By CoalRose - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

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By lexyloo - United States

Today, my boyfriend preferred to delete his account than admit we are in a relationship on Facebook. FML

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By LoveUGuysToo - 5/8/2020 14:03

Where did everyone go?

Today, I wrote a Facebook post venting about the horrible things I've been going through lately, hoping my friends would console me. I discovered that my English teacher from 30 years ago, the creepy dude who keeps asking me out, and some random chick I don't even know are my only "friends." FML

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By cmendez - United States

Today, my mother who is 75 years old just told me and my sister that we are adopted. I'm 45 years old and my sister is 49. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at 2:00 am, my neighbor discovered "What Does The Fox Say?" He loves it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I texted everyone in my phone to remind them mother's day is tomorrow. Everyone including the boy whose mom died last year. FML

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By Jaayoung23 - France

Today, my sister won a bet. She bet my best friend a burrito that I wouldn't lose my virginity within a year. I am twenty and have to drive my friend to Del Taco so he can buy my sister her victory burrito cause I didn't get laid. FML

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By

Today, I called 911 and got taken to hospital via ambulance after a suicide attempt. When I called my mom, the first thing she asked was, "How much is the ambulance going to cost?" FML

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By bananayellowteeth - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. After drilling my teeth for what seemed like hours, he gave me a long speech about how if I continue to smoke, the yellowing of my teeth won't be the only problem. I don't smoke. I never have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for drunk driving. This is the second time its happened. I was completely sober both times. FML

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By whymommywhy - United States

Today, my hamster gave birth. The babies were very cute and I couldn't resist petting one. Apparently touching a baby hamster will cause it's mother to reject and devour it. I am now know in my family as "The Hamster Slaughterer." FML

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By Azure_Mist - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend, which is something he's never done before. Unfortunately, this was his way of apologizing for cheating on me. FML

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By jostertoaster12 - United States - Steamboat Springs

Today, while skiing down a steep mountain, a man ran over my skis, causing me to fall and roll down the slope. When I regained my balance, I saw the man had followed me just to say "How graceful" and continue on. FML

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By vat - Hong Kong

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she could not stand the thought of being in a relationship with a man who wears orange. This is the first time I've worn an orange shirt in at least 6 months. FML

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By Posty - United Kingdom

Today, on the way to work, I pulled over at a postbox to post a letter. I walked up to the box with the letter in one hand, car key in the other. Guess which one I posted. FML

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By amiezingme - United States - Swansboro

Today, my boyfriend's dream came true; he had always wanted to break a bed during sex. The bed he broke was a heirloom in my family for 150 years. The best part: he was by himself. FML

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By >_< - United States - Richmond

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

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By LukeSkywalker - United States

Today, after pouring my heart out to my girlfriend of 4 years through a speech that took me 3 weeks to write, and then proposing, she responded, "Eh, why not." FML

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By hopeless cluts - Canada

Today, as I was crossing the slush covered street to catch the bus, I slipped and fell right in the middle of the road. A woman in a car rolled down her window. She didn't ask if I was okay but just laughed and took a picture of me covered in cold, wet slush. FML

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By Tall Oaf

Today, my ex of 2 months, who I'm on good terms with, posted an Instagram photo with her new boyfriend, captioned "Love you babe, 4 months have never been sweeter." I've never been good at math, but 4 seems bigger than 2. FML

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By condiments - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mother, when someone snuck a pack of condoms into our cart while our backs were turned. When we got to the register, my mom, whose wealth makes me ineligible for financial aid, noticed the condoms and she announced that she wasn't paying for the college I got accepted to next year because she doesn't want a promiscuous daughter. FML

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By MeanMother - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I realized just how much of a bitch I am when I grounded my son for not telling me what he got me for my birthday. FML

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By Howimetmybrother

Today, to repay my brother who's been hosting me, I took his laundry out to wash. Loading the machine, I gave a tug on the corner of a towel and the biggest dildo I've ever seen flew out of the basket and bounced to a stop in the middle of the floor. Every. One. Saw. FML

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By Branman2480 - United States

Today, while I was working at the golf course, two kids stole a golf cart and pulled a snowboard behind it. When I tried to stop them, they ran me over. FML

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By cheshirealyce - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my day began with a "Good morning, beautiful." and ended with a "Maybe someone would love you if you were pretty." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Goodyear

Today, my girlfriend of 3 weeks gave me an ultimatum: marry her, or she kills herself. FML

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By 4evalone - United States

WTF dude?

Today, the man I love, who broke my heart by leaving me a few months ago, showed up to a family event and pulled off the most elaborate, romantic proposal I've ever seen. He was proposing to my cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to convince my girlfriend that, no matter how much she makes herself burp, she won't lose any weight. She still doesn't understand why. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who said, "Good girl" whenever I said anything that he agreed with. FML

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By Aerostar - United States

Today, we had our divorce hearing and now it is final. As we were leaving the courthouse, I told my ex-wife how happy I was that we were finally free from each other. Then my junky old van wouldn't start and I had to beg her for a ride home. FML

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By pocketrocket90 - Australia - Capalaba

Today, I got a call from my very drunk boyfriend at 1:30am asking for my permission to have sex with a "gross fat chick" he met at a pub, because he "felt sorry for her". The conversation ended with me getting hung up on because I "don't have a heart". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a cute, new guy I always run into at work hit on me. Turns out he's only 18. I'm old enough to be his mom. FML

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By notpreggers - United States

Today, the creepy skin care guy at the mall with the heavy accent asked me if I was pregnant. When I said no he replied "Oh, too many donuts then?" FML

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By sharpie2792 - United States

Today, I fought back with words against a bully. He cried, and I got detention. FML

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By ex-wife - United States - Boston

Today, I found out that my 50-year-old ex-husband and the 20-year-old skank he cheated on me with are buying the house next door to me. FML

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By augh

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom that I'm gay. She sympathetically patted my back and told me I don't need to make up excuses for me being so unattractive to women. FML

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By Username - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML

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Top comments

By ambowew | 7

#2158546 - Monday 7 March 2011 13:11

There's always the kitchen top, shower, pool table, car, hell even the ground if you're that way inclined.
Abandon ship and find another, better place to port, Captain.

By Jimboom | 11

#2158453 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:30

Here is a top tip for waterbed sex for you OP.

Just go with the motion of the ocean and ride the waves of pleasure until you are floating in a pool of orgasmic waterfalls. ;-)

COMMENTS

By chorzo | 0

#2158369 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:13

is she a beached whale then.

Reply

EmoGiana | 0

#2158848 - Monday 7 March 2011 14:57

I guess if you think of the place as the ocean... Then I guess so.

Reply

pepsie_fml | 0

#2159001 - Monday 7 March 2011 16:06

haha

Reply

EpicPear | 0

#2161253 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 8:20

Well at least now you can consider yourself a true semen.

By denvan | 0

#2158371 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:13

Don't forget his sports bra during the action you don't want to get knocked out.

Reply

denvan | 0

#2158382 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:16

WTF it was for the man boobs one stupid iPhone

Reply

SchiTzenGiglez | 0

#2158555 - Monday 7 March 2011 13:13

haha word man I saw that

By sephoraprincess | 7

#2158376 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:13

water beds are cool! soo jealous...

Reply

T3P33_fml | 0

#2158392 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:17

so you released your hot sticky fluid on your GF? sweeeet

Reply

forest1wolf | 9

#2158475 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:45

I kno! I'm jealous too!

By T3P33_fml | 0

#2158378 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:15

so you release your hot sticky fluid on your GF? sweeeet!

By ludachris09 | 14

#2158394 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:17

Nice....

By 1958x | 6

#2158398 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:17

That's hilarious.

By testthecoal | 5

#2158402 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:18

Ahoy, I see booty dead ahead!

Reply

DanielleWolf | 0

#2158708 - Monday 7 March 2011 14:07

haha

Reply

denvan | 0

#2161462 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 10:07

lmao

By shaunasykes97 | 0

#2158416 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:20

You lose.

Reply

ConfusionsLoveMe | 0

#2159720 - Monday 7 March 2011 22:08

OP's boobs: (.) (.)

Her boyfriend boobs: ( . ) ( . )

he wins.

Reply

ConfusionsLoveMe | 0

#2159728 - Monday 7 March 2011 22:14

Sorry, wrong post.

By you_and_me_fml | 8

#2158425 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:25

suckss..take the party to your bed next time

By agamid | 1

#2158443 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:28

urg... i hate waterbeds... now even a bit more...