Intimacy: Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making... - FML

By dizzy - Malaysia

Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML

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Proactive

And today, on Dr Phil…

No justice

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got diagnosed with stomach ulcers. They are very painful, and I have been throwing up blood. On my latest trip to the toilet, I was heaving and the pain was making me beat the floor with my fist, the toilet lid decided to come crashing down on my head, giving me a minor concussion. FML

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By hopeless - United States

Today, I was talking to my dad and told him that I want to be a hotel maid, hoping that he would tell me "You can do better, you're smart, etc." Instead he said, "I'm glad you finally have a goal that you can actually achieve." FML

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By cherbear1000 - United States - Nottingham

Today, my daughter had ice cream while I was napping. She didn't want me to know so she put the bowl in the trashcan and put the spoon in the garbage disposal and turned it on, because she thought it would make the spoon disappear. FML

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By TheAnnoyedNeighbor - United States

Today, I came back home to find that my house had been robbed, one week after my neighbors. I was walking around my neighborhood to see if anything was suspicious, and discovered that my neighbors had put up a sign, reading: "Rob the neighbors, THEY don't have a security system." FML

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By crappingrapping - United States

Today, I thought the public restroom I was in was empty, so I started rapping. I realized the room was not empty when, recognizing the song, the person one stall over joined in. FML

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By Screwed - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me how he used to collect little things when he was younger. He then decided to tell me about his current big toe nail collection. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

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By sheilob - Australia - Camden

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Randers

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend freaked out and kept asking me if I was sure I wouldn't get pregnant, because I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. We didn't actually have sex; he apparently thought me simply missing the pill would magically get me pregnant. The hell? FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got an anonymous letter, stating my condo's community and all my neighbors can hear me having sex. Not only that, but kids gather around my window to listen. FML

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By textfail - United States

Today, my teacher confiscated my cell phone for text messaging. He said he would give it back if the next text that I would receive was important. I prayed the guy I've been texting didn't send the dick pic he said he was going to. He did. FML

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By love-shot - United States - Hays

Today, I discovered that when my crush leans in to kiss me, I get so nervous I throw up. Then throw up again thinking about how embarrassed I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 14:01

Class Wars - UK Edition

Today, my wife blames me for our son having a “posh” accent, because she thinks he’ll be bullied at school. I’m a Yorkshireman and use “ey up”, “ow do” , “pillock” and “arse” in everyday conversation, whereas my wife was raised in Oxford, I doubt I’m the one making our son sound posh. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my dad's face flushed when I introduced him to my new boyfriend. I live in a small town, and it turns out my dad recognized him. He's the secret child from an affair two decades ago. He's my half-brother. FML

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By embarrassedinretail - Australia

Today, whilst at work, my dad decided to call me and sing an entire rendition of 'The Gambler' by Kenny Rogers. There was a big line of people, and my boss had been standing nearby checking out my phone. I had to stand there and listen to the whole song. FML

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By James - United States

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

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By college will be fun they said - United States - Baltimore

Today, I was running late to class and slipped down a staircase. Not only did nobody help me, but when I got up I noticed an old man staring at my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Romance

Today, I went down on my girlfriend after sharing a romantic moment. As I was licking, she giggled and said, "You sound like a dog." Romance ruined. FML

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By Greattitan2 - United States - Beaufort

Today, I was working at a fast food restaurant when I cut my hand. There was a good amount of blood flowing out so I ran to my manager and asked where the first aid kit was. He then picked up a washcloth and some tape and handed it to me. FML

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By Cracky - United States - Baltimore

Today, my husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up my backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the water when he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML

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By Anthony Hathaway

Today, as I was taking the garbage out, I tripped over my own feet, causing my knee to dislocate in such a way that it shattered the back of my kneecap and fractured my femur. I guess I won't be taking the garbage out again anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a hike. It had snowed the night before so I wore warm clothes. They didn’t help when I slipped and broke my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in the living room with my husband when we heard a baby coo. This would have been adorable, if we had a baby. FML

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By kelscait - United States

Today, I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. I thought he was liking it, so I said, "You're a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?" He replied with, "I'll pass, you have really bad breath". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wichita

Today, my husband finally admitted that he squandered the last three months of my share of the rent on booze. He then blamed me, demanded more money, asked for a divorce, and stormed out. When he returned he asked, "How am I the bad guy?" FML

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By Mandy - United States - Tampa

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Higginsville

Today, I was home from college and went to eat at a local mexican place. The manager started yelling at me about an unpaid tab. Apparently, my dad likes to drink there and skipped on his tab. Again. FML

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By wideeyeddays - United States - Pasadena

Today, my dad thought it was a great idea to text me and say he decided to put our dog down. I was in the middle of class and still had hours left at school. It's not fun to walk across campus holding back tears. FML

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By ScienceFail - United States

Today, I tried to open the research paper I've been working on for the past month, only to discover that the entire file is permanently lost and can't be recovered. This is not the first time this has happened to this paper. FML

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By BurnedDown - United Kingdom - Bridlington

Today, I wanted to spice things up in the bedroom with my husband, so I set up some Halloween torches to create a wild ambiance. Unfortunately our dickhead neighbours saw the glow, didn't remember that fire tends to give off smoke, and called the fire department on us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 weeks said that he was going to cook me dinner. After waiting for the frozen pizza that he decided to make for me to be completely cooked, he said, "Oh I hate this part", reached into the oven with his bare hands and took out the pizza, all while screaming. He is 24. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered my step mom had thrown out my baby blanket because it was an "eyesore". It was an heirloom from my birth mother and the only thing I have left from her. FML

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By Scoudrel - 26/2/2021 17:01

Having multiple jobs may have its benefits

Today, I flirted with the cashier at the local bagel joint. I complimented her unique blue hair and got her number. Later on that evening, she served my girlfriend and me our food at a different restaurant. FML

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By notyouraverage

Today, I was doing a PowerPoint presentation in front of my whole class, when I accidentally clicked on the folder that has zillions of pictures of my crush. He's one of my classmates. FML

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By scarred4life - Canada

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

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By princev - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to jump in the pool while holding my cat. I am currently in the hospital due to the severe cuts on my face and throat. FML

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By stinky - United States

Today, my co-worker handed me a note. The note said, "If you can, please take a shower once in a while." The smell was coming from the broken bathroom next to my office. FML

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By Boar - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while I was waiting at a red light, another car slammed into me. By the time I got out to assess the damage, the other car was empty and there was nobody in sight. Either Moby Dickwad was abducted by aliens mid-crash, or he was behind on his insurance payments. FML

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By Ahlph

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

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Top comments

By ambowew | 7

#2158546 - Monday 7 March 2011 13:11

There's always the kitchen top, shower, pool table, car, hell even the ground if you're that way inclined.
Abandon ship and find another, better place to port, Captain.

By Jimboom | 11

#2158453 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:30

Here is a top tip for waterbed sex for you OP.

Just go with the motion of the ocean and ride the waves of pleasure until you are floating in a pool of orgasmic waterfalls. ;-)

COMMENTS

By chorzo | 0

#2158369 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:13

is she a beached whale then.

Reply

EmoGiana | 0

#2158848 - Monday 7 March 2011 14:57

I guess if you think of the place as the ocean... Then I guess so.

Reply

pepsie_fml | 0

#2159001 - Monday 7 March 2011 16:06

haha

Reply

EpicPear | 0

#2161253 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 8:20

Well at least now you can consider yourself a true semen.

By denvan | 0

#2158371 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:13

Don't forget his sports bra during the action you don't want to get knocked out.

Reply

denvan | 0

#2158382 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:16

WTF it was for the man boobs one stupid iPhone

Reply

SchiTzenGiglez | 0

#2158555 - Monday 7 March 2011 13:13

haha word man I saw that

By sephoraprincess | 7

#2158376 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:13

water beds are cool! soo jealous...

Reply

T3P33_fml | 0

#2158392 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:17

so you released your hot sticky fluid on your GF? sweeeet

Reply

forest1wolf | 9

#2158475 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:45

I kno! I'm jealous too!

By T3P33_fml | 0

#2158378 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:15

so you release your hot sticky fluid on your GF? sweeeet!

By ludachris09 | 14

#2158394 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:17

Nice....

By 1958x | 6

#2158398 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:17

That's hilarious.

By testthecoal | 5

#2158402 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:18

Ahoy, I see booty dead ahead!

Reply

DanielleWolf | 0

#2158708 - Monday 7 March 2011 14:07

haha

Reply

denvan | 0

#2161462 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 10:07

lmao

By shaunasykes97 | 0

#2158416 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:20

You lose.

Reply

ConfusionsLoveMe | 0

#2159720 - Monday 7 March 2011 22:08

OP's boobs: (.) (.)

Her boyfriend boobs: ( . ) ( . )

he wins.

Reply

ConfusionsLoveMe | 0

#2159728 - Monday 7 March 2011 22:14

Sorry, wrong post.

By you_and_me_fml | 8

#2158425 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:25

suckss..take the party to your bed next time

By agamid | 1

#2158443 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:28

urg... i hate waterbeds... now even a bit more...