Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine.... - FML

By mariana - 8/2/2014 00:18 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48536

You deserved it

10285

Tweet

Share

Valentine's slay

The first time we met

True hero

The end of the road

My body, my choice

By funnygirl018 - 28/5/2013 22:14 - United States

Today, it was my very last day teaching my dance class. After the class ended, the owner of the studio started clapping and told all my students to give me a hug. No one hugged me. No one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48600

You deserved it

5602

Tweet

Share

By getafucktoysomewhereelsedude - 16/5/2013 20:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to listen to yet another delusional fuckface at school bitch about how a girl he's interested in put him in the "friend-zone". I really couldn't focus on my work, so I tried to shut him up by saying he's an idiot, not least because she already has a boyfriend. I now have a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40037

You deserved it

17129

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/3/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35770

You deserved it

17303

Tweet

Share

By anon - 1/2/2016 16:37 - United States

Today, I visited my 90-year-old great-grandmother and her boyfriend. This wouldn't be a problem, if this boyfriend wasn't different than the one she had yesterday. She told me not to tell him about "the other one". FML

I agree, your life sucks

21690

You deserved it

1684

Tweet

Share

By rugernut13 - 16/10/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I went out to start my car to go to work. When it wouldn't start, I popped the hood to see what was wrong. Some kind individual took advantage of the fact that my window doesn't roll up, and stole my battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27069

You deserved it

6433

Tweet

Share

By banana - 26/2/2009 03:01 - United States

Today, I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. Then my roommate walked in on me using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16857

You deserved it

74274

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/4/2013 18:42 - United States - Lebanon

Today, I found out that I am allergic to one of the preservatives that they put in aloe. I found this out after I put some on a severe sunburn I have. Not only am I sunburned, but now I am severely itchy as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48934

You deserved it

4145

Tweet

Share

By katchoo - 3/11/2013 07:34 - Denmark

Today, I had a panic attack when a huge spider ran over my hand. I screamed, wailed, and killed it with a shoe while shouting. Ten minutes later, police slammed on my door. My neighbor called them, saying it sounded like someone was being murdered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47428

You deserved it

8415

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, I was moving. While packing, I found an old photo that had been laying face down in the bottom of a drawer for some time, and some of the ink transfered to the drawer lining. There is now an image of my ex-girlfriend's face permanently burned into the bottom of my nightstand drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31988

You deserved it

5725

Tweet

Share

By RachelDC - 3/7/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75008

You deserved it

5574

Tweet

Share

By hermit's life - 25/12/2016 07:11 - United States - Sellersburg

Today, I learned that instead of spending Christmas alone with my cat, enjoying chicken quesadillas and a tin of tuna while watching only the best cartoons, my mother's coming over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8273

You deserved it

1334

Tweet

Share

By varunet2004 - 11/6/2015 19:50 - India

Today, I confronted my boss for his inadequate contribution in our work. He accepted his inadequacy and apologized for not doing enough. He now expects me to work on everything singlehandedly since he has already clarified his inadequacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23414

You deserved it

4503

Tweet

Share

By vreenya - 8/4/2014 20:13 - Chile - Santiago

Today, my little brother was feeling like the god damned bratty douchebag he is and hurled a basketball at me. It missed, hit the wall, and rebounded straight into his face. He burst into tears, and I'm now grounded because my parents believed him when he said I threw it at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53498

You deserved it

4017

Tweet

Share

By WeezysBaby - 28/3/2009 22:13 - Canada

Today, I was going through my old MSN conversations. I then realized that when I first got MSN, I didn't know that messages you sent after people went offline would be delivered to them when they signed in. I used to type 'I love you' to my crush after every time he went offline. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35535

You deserved it

91192

Tweet

Share

By blahdyblahblah33 - 3/7/2011 00:22 - United States

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room. Apparently, there is only one serious side effect of getting your tonsils out when you're an adult, which is only seen in about 1% of patients: bleeding of the throat. It can be deadly. I'm part of that 1%. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41375

You deserved it

2684

Tweet

Share

By chickennoodlesoup - 21/5/2009 01:50 - Canada

Today, I made chicken noodle soup for the girl I've been seeing to help her get over her cold. From scratch. Everything fresh save for the canned chicken stock. It took an hour in preparation and half an hour to take the bus to her place. Her first words? The celery's not cooked enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52004

You deserved it

6337

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/12/2012 00:58 - United States

Today, I saw my crush at the grocery store. He saw me and started walking towards me. I got so excited that I farted when he came near. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39271

You deserved it

10177

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 18:19 - United States

Today, I found out my dad spent most of the $500 I earned from mowing lawns on an Xbox 360 for himself. He was the one who encouraged me to put the money in the bank for college and to learn responsibility. I'm 14 years old. He's 37. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38809

You deserved it

2841

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/5/2015 02:22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams. I could tell she really enjoyed it, because she muttered "Well, that was disappointing." afterwards, then got dressed, said she'd made a huge mistake, and asked me not to call her again. Yep, total stud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36854

You deserved it

4095

Tweet

Share

By LemonTree - 20/11/2014 11:32 - Hungary

Today, I realized that I ran out of deodorant. On top of that, I was late to work so I had to run, making me all sweaty and smelly. To cover it up, I used the air-freshener in the toilet at work. Everyone recognized the "Lemon Tree" scent and now all of my colleagues think I'm a cheap bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30995

You deserved it

6886

Tweet

Share

By blowinchunks - 24/11/2009 06:00 - Canada

Today, I found a mealworm in my cornflakes. I had already finished most of the bowl. I didn't make it to the toilet to throw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28661

You deserved it

2939

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/10/2012 02:49 - Canada - Regina

Today, after being totally in love with a guy since middle school, I finally had enough self confidence to go and talk to him. Turns out he's boring as fuck. I obsessed over this guy for nearly 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12941

You deserved it

37036

Tweet

Share

By djl - 20/12/2012 05:30 - Canada - Beaumont

Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told me what it was; a molded dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parents when they ask what I got. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43885

You deserved it

15286

Tweet

Share

By livgasms - 18/8/2011 04:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my family decided it would be hilarious to catch the biggest moths they could and let them loose in my room. I'm terrified of moths and they thought it would be 'funny as hell' to watch me freak out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30669

You deserved it

5058

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 02:00

Looks aren't everything

Today, I was watching "My 600-lb Life". Most of the people on the show are married or in relationships. I cant even find a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1178

You deserved it

272

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 16:01 - United States

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54093

You deserved it

3293

Tweet

Share

By lissysue1 - 12/7/2012 19:23 - United States - Green Bay

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I realized he was opening his mouth wide a lot. At first, I thought he was trying to French-kiss me. He was actually yawning through the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31747

You deserved it

4872

Tweet

Share

By shoggoth_wild - 27/2/2015 14:13 - United States - Jackson

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about times we'd made our mothers cry. She said she'd only made her mother cry once. When I asked when, she said, "When I told her I was thinking about dating you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35839

You deserved it

3490

Tweet

Share

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 16:44 - France

Today, during a drunken night out, a really trashed friend said to me, "Jeez, even when I’m drunk, you're really ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33459

You deserved it

4064

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/6/2016 06:11

Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12945

You deserved it

1295

Tweet

Share

By fuck no - 22/8/2015 10:18 - India - Kollam

Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27010

You deserved it

7985

Tweet

Share

By KayIsKiwi99 - 29/8/2016 19:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7347

You deserved it

16056

Tweet

Share

By Username - 25/1/2010 11:06 - France

Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29045

You deserved it

10250

Tweet

Share

By hotelbound - 21/5/2013 00:37 - United States - Florissant

Today, my house was damaged by a tornado. I called my mother to see if I could stay with her for a few days. Her response? "I warned you not to move in with a man. This is God's way of punishing you." I've been married to said man for almost a year now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46236

You deserved it

2961

Tweet

Share

By ivyleaguebabe - 3/6/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15721

You deserved it

59802

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/7/2014 00:43 - Norway - Bergen

Today, I got in a minor car accident because my mom had to check how many likes her last photo on Instagram had while driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44638

You deserved it

3932

Tweet

Share

By A.J. - 13/4/2019 08:00 - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment in which a nurse numbed my mouth. After coming home, I took a nap in which I unknowing bit through my top lip. I physically can't speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1765

You deserved it

156

Tweet

Share

By cannotexplain - 4/10/2016 14:43 - Australia

Today my boyfriend and I broke up. It was a mutual decision but I was curious as to what he thought went wrong. "I was just never sure if you brushed your teeth regularly." He cheated on me twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12315

You deserved it

1246

Tweet

Share

By mommycooks - 22/11/2012 23:18 - United States

Today, my family came over for Thanksgiving. We were supposed to have had dinner hours ago, but my mom kept sneaking into the kitchen and dialing down the temperature on the oven, claiming I was going to overcook everything. At this rate, we'll be lucky to have eaten by midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25106

You deserved it

1822

Tweet

Share

By Tennisplayer - 10/2/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, my tennis coach showed up to practice in an all white outfit. I exclaimed, "You're looking very white today!" He's African American. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12129

You deserved it

44056

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By onlychildFTW | 33

#5851615 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:25

I think it's better you not be with a guy like that. There are better guys out there for you. Keep your hopes up OP and good luck.

By abusch | 9

#5851628 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:30

Well it would be a very awkward dinner if you didn't swallow anything.

COMMENTS

By onlychildFTW | 33

#5851615 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:25

I think it's better you not be with a guy like that. There are better guys out there for you. Keep your hopes up OP and good luck.

Reply

kayteakay | 26

#5851642 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:32

I agree. That guy is a piece of shit.

Reply

FangirlingAlways | 14

#5851662 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:37

A ton of guys at my school are like this. Way too many girls like them. It's just sad.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5851664 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:37

totally! A guy should like you for who you are, OP. Any sexual "extras" or "tricks" should be a bonus not a requirement.

Reply

Doritozilla | 20

#5851690 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:52

OP I'm sure it won't be long before finding someone who appreciates you for your personality. At least you don't have a crush on this guy (I hope).

Reply

kumarina | 35

#5851764 - Saturday 8 February 2014 6:48

This guy only wants sex, he won't really care about you, you deserve a lot better!!!

Reply

michaelaranda | 28

#5851832 - Saturday 8 February 2014 8:48

Well, on the bright side, OP doesn't seem super upset about this.

And OP, I applaud you for sticking up for your standards.

Reply

dachayke | 16

#5852325 - Saturday 8 February 2014 23:00

#29, did you even read the fml?

Reply

Kuro_Kamen | 12

#5852416 - Sunday 9 February 2014 2:11

wow, hope she wasn't looking for a relationship.

Reply

padlockd | 9

#5852691 - Sunday 9 February 2014 7:21

I was going to be worried about Valentine's Day, but I think I'll be fine...

By Haidawg | 7

#5851616 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:26

Sorry OP find a man who will treat you better

By bitchimabunnyz33 | 13

#5851619 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:27

So you spit? nice to know... "writes down on notebook"

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#5851667 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:38

it would probably go down like this.

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#5851727 - Saturday 8 February 2014 6:18

"Sputters never win." This is a known fact, step your game up OP.

Reply

6FootUnder | 11

#5851747 - Saturday 8 February 2014 6:32

So you're lesbian? Nice to know... "Writes down on notebook".

Reply

flashback_fml | 14

#5851847 - Saturday 8 February 2014 9:02

What does sputting have to do with it?

Reply

bitchimabunnyz33 | 13

#5851863 - Saturday 8 February 2014 9:28

I think he meant spitting but im not sure...

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#5851871 - Saturday 8 February 2014 9:39

#43, if you're really going to degrade people like that on the internet, at least get it right. It's "Spitters are quitters."

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#5851878 - Saturday 8 February 2014 9:47

Wow all that over an obvious autocorrect shenanigan. Had to update my iPhone OS. This new one sucks and autocorrects words for no reason. Not to mention the FML app is crashing every few minutes with this OS.

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5851893 - Saturday 8 February 2014 10:09

95 - a bad workman blames his tools.

Reply

RadikulRam | 16

#5851897 - Saturday 8 February 2014 10:34

@#100
No, it's just a typical apple product.

Reply

SuperStormCindy | 8

#5852102 - Saturday 8 February 2014 18:45

haha riiight

Reply

Genociiide | 15

#5853139 - Sunday 9 February 2014 19:34

#95 your problem is that you have an iPhone.

By chocolatefrog28 | 29

#5851621 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:28

An African or a European swallow?
Seriously OP, you're better off without a "gem" like that guy. Buy yourself a card/candy/flowers/whatever and go have a good time with your friends instead.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5851797 - Saturday 8 February 2014 7:39

I think it would depend on the airspeed velocity of the swallow.

Reply

ClockworkTinker | 5

#5851848 - Saturday 8 February 2014 9:02

and whether it could carry a coconut

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#5851872 - Saturday 8 February 2014 9:40

Hold up. I was under the impression that coconuts migrate.

Reply

HelloooooNurse | 20

#5852034 - Saturday 8 February 2014 16:04

It could grip it by then husk.

Reply

HelloooooNurse | 20

#5852036 - Saturday 8 February 2014 16:10

*the
Stupid fingers :(

Reply

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5853603 - Monday 10 February 2014 5:15

What if there were two swallows? then they could carry the
weight

Reply

\ | 28

#5853728 - Monday 10 February 2014 8:54

How could a five-ounce swallow carry a one-pound coconut?

Reply

Liamj774 | 36

#6255498 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 21:43

But African swallows are non migratory

By jdeezy01 | 13

#5851622 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:28

His next question is going to be "do you wanna start?"

Reply

jdeezyjames | 8

#5851634 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:30

I like the username man

Reply

jdeezy01 | 13

#5851641 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:32

Us deezy's gotta stick together

Reply

jdeezyjames | 8

#5851663 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:37

Word haha

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5851882 - Saturday 8 February 2014 9:50

Now Kiss *insert meme*

Reply

Fuaaad1994 | 31

#5851921 - Saturday 8 February 2014 11:39

Still a better love story than twilight

By mario2012 | 18

#5851623 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:28

At least you know how immature he is.

By juststephhere | 23

#5851625 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:29

I hope you punched him.

Reply

NiceGuysDoWin | 21

#5852062 - Saturday 8 February 2014 17:24

Why punch him? Jesus, he may be immature, but resorting to violence for a stupid joke? Good luck with the assault and battery charge, lady.

Reply

NashyzzleTheN | 10

#5852258 - Saturday 8 February 2014 21:00

#124- looks like someone doesn't know what joking is

Reply

Faff | 20

#5854406 - Tuesday 11 February 2014 1:11

Few people on FML know what joking is.. always so sensitive!

Reply

nurchok | 15

#5856253 - Wednesday 12 February 2014 23:32

#7 ... in the nuts...

Reply

mccrightp | 29

#5890187 - Wednesday 19 March 2014 22:08

We're NOT sensitive! That's a TERRBLE, TERRIBLE (sob, gurgle, gurgle) thing to say!!!!!!

By jdeezyjames | 8

#5851626 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:29

Maybe Cupid could change that OP.

Reply

Maddiiee3011 | 13

#5851776 - Saturday 8 February 2014 7:09

I don't think Cupid can fix that worthless pile of shit

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5851785 - Saturday 8 February 2014 7:18

"But Cupid got me in a chokehold"

"ba ba da da, ba ba da da"

By abusch | 9

#5851628 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:30

Well it would be a very awkward dinner if you didn't swallow anything.

Reply

Ctrl_H | 18

#5851756 - Saturday 8 February 2014 6:43

That comment was so innocent.

Reply

alphabetta | 23

#5851784 - Saturday 8 February 2014 7:18

As was yours. Learn to take a joke, would ya?

Reply

gabygabs | 8

#5852061 - Saturday 8 February 2014 17:23

the top comment is cute and true, but this made me die laughing

By Breegotcake | 14

#5851633 - Saturday 8 February 2014 5:30

You don't need to be with a guy like him anyways but kudos for having to courage to ask.