Today, I came to the conclusion that I was right about thinking... - FML

By 3peeps - 30/12/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that I was right about thinking how much it would hurt to hit your head on a door-frame, stub your toe on a stone table leg, and then trip over your cat, who won't take it well and will probably claw your recently stubbed toe. FML

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By Daddy_issues - 2/6/2018 05:00

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of four years. She took the opportunity to tell me that she's pregnant. With my half-brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2016 20:57 - United States - Valley Stream

Today, my roommate reached a whole new level of laziness: I caught him casually peeing into an empty beer bottle while laying in bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2014 15:05 - United States - Bellflower

Today, my sister had me kicked out of her wedding reception for, in the words of her new husband, "harshing the buzz." FML

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By conley19 - 15/9/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, at work a little girl wanted a slushie. Instead of pushing the tab in, she lifted it up and broke the machine, spilling slushie all over the floor. I was the only one working, so I had to clean it all up. I spent the rest of my shift covered in red slushie and smelling like cherry. FML

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By bodhimae - 3/5/2009 07:15 - France

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

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By double trouble - 4/5/2015 04:04

Today, I found my bike that was stolen a week ago in front of someone's house. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if my husband didn't steal it to go meet with his girlfriend. FML

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By Liz - 9/4/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I had to watch my neighbor's daughter for 10 hours. She wouldn't eat anything I had to offer, so I ordered a pizza for $19 + a $5 tip = $24. Her father came by to pick her up, thanked me, and gave me a $20 bill. I effectively just paid to watch his kid. FML

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By chamberpottime - 16/12/2015 08:58 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my perfectly healthy grandmother came to stay for Christmas. First, she persuaded my family to give her my bedroom. That would have been fine, until she demanded she should also have a bucket to piss in under my bed too. FML

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By Zedscar - 15/7/2017 22:30 - United States - Martinsburg

Today, my 8-year-old nephew told me he liked the way I smelt. Apparently I smell like "cat food and cheese." FML

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By EmberLove - 17/1/2013 14:06 - United States

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

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By dadoftheyear - 7/5/2015 03:27 - United States

Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 00:10 - Australia - Ascot Vale

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents, despite my long-standing protests. Over the next hour, they asked her if she'd ever considered becoming a swinger, why not, if she'd ever consider it in future, and to keep them in mind if she does. FML

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By mikeissad - 11/8/2012 19:37 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, at work, I was forced to nod and smile as a pregnant, fifteen-year-old, brain-dead Jersey Shore wannabe cussed me out for being rude by using words from a "foreign language" during our conversation. I used the word "pretentious." FML

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By AfraidOfToxicity - 21/7/2020 02:02

Hypocrisy

Today, I had a friend quit every friend group we shared, all because I refused to show him favouritism in my D&D campaign, after I changed the rules to reduce favouritism between everyone, because he'd complained. FML

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By kaybax - 19/11/2011 11:42 - South Africa

Today, I gave my boyfriend the silent treatment. He put his Facebook status as "When your girlfriend finally shuts up for once". FML

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By anonymous - 25/6/2013 06:12 - United States - Cloquet

Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML

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By anonymous - 30/6/2016 05:27 - United States - Forney

Today, I was started my week of camping alone in the woods. I took my shoes off to go to sleep, but I had to come out to get water. I stepped on a wasp, and while I was standing on one foot looking at the sting, I realized I was in an ant pile. I'm allergic to both. FML

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By anon - 10/1/2015 02:13 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to sext before going to sleep. It was very late, but I said I'd stay up for him. He sent a text asking me if I was ready. Me replying "yes" was the last thing I remember before I fell asleep on my horny boyfriend. FML

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By conductingfromthegrave - 1/7/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". We haven't had sex in 6 days. FML

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By jasmine - 23/8/2019 04:00

Today, I found out the hard way, that yes, a condom can break. Also, that sometimes when it does, your boyfriend won't say anything until you start having morning sickness. FML

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By sadf4x0r - 24/2/2010 17:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my girlfriend is the perfect woman for most men. She only ever talks to me in the intermissions on Modern Warfare 2; shame it's not me playing. FML

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By Chipper - 9/6/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, I was playing piano for a wedding rehearsal. Bored, I decided to pass the time playing through a book of music I found in the piano bench. Some time later the bride turns to me and screams at me to stop. I had turned the page and had begun to play "Let's call the whole thing off." FML

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By nj - 10/2/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, in basketball practice my coach was putting is in teams to run drills. He points to me and says, "You, go babysit my son by the stage." FML

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By Nick - 27/11/2009 10:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

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By Itstinksinhere - 19/4/2018 15:00

Today, my husband thought it was the best idea ever to clean the cat's litter box with the brand new vacuum cleaner instead of tipping it into a bin bag. My house now fills with the smell of warm cat piss every time I hoover. FML

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By ILoveFML - 29/8/2010 14:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was talking with his friends about how long girls take to get ready (hair, make-up, etc.). I said, "I never spend a long time getting ready..." He then looked at me and said, "maybe you should." FML

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By lois2lane - 23/12/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML

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By anon - 3/2/2015 07:50 - United States - Bloomington

Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML

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By notonthepavement - 15/2/2016 11:04 - United States - Desoto

Today, as I went to kiss my date goodbye and drive home, he mistakenly rammed his thumb across my eye hard enough to push my contact back into my eye socket. FML

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By Sadman - 23/4/2011 08:37 - Canada

Today, my mother and girlfriend were joking around and talking about the embarrassing things I've done. After they'd had a lengthly conversation, my girlfriend mentions "And he always farts during sex." FML

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By firefromherlips - 28/11/2013 00:25 - United States - Gallatin

Today, I found out the position I thought I had earned by working hard was only to separate me from my coworkers because I "talked too much". Instead of addressing the issue like adults, I've essentially been put in time-out. FML

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By Merserve - 9/7/2020 02:00

Shackled

Today, I went over to confront my parents about how my siblings always get to visit and all I do when I’m over is work on their house or take care of grandma. My mom was very upset. Then she snuck out with my sister, leaving me to take care of grandma until she got back. FML

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By Kayla - 18/12/2011 05:25 - United States

Today, I had to take two buses home from a friend's house. After waiting in the cold for the second bus for 40 minutes, it finally came and I realized that I'd left my wallet on the first bus. It took me 2 hours to walk home and I was locked out because my house key is attached to my wallet. FML

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By dumb tourists - 31/3/2013 06:19 - China - Beijing

Today, a blonde tourist came up to me and asked me for directions to the nearest train station. I politely directed her there, and she left. Five minutes later, she came back and slapped me for not bringing her to an "English-speaking station". We're in China, lady. FML

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By potheadloljk - 2/12/2012 02:01 - United States - East Machias

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house when I got a call from my parents. They told me to come home immediately. Panicking, I rushed home. My dad pulled out a clear tube filled with dried leaves. They accused me of having marijuana. It was catnip for my kitten. FML

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By just die already - 24/4/2016 09:55 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my psycho ex also reads FML. She called me at work, pissed that I'd "publicly humiliated" her on here. I haven't posted about her at all. I'm sure the brick I found thrown through my window a few hours later has nothing to do with her, though. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2014 06:44 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML

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By GrinningCynic - 14/5/2012 17:55 - United States - Englewood

Today, I was told I need two root canals. This is because my previous dentist did such a bad job on one of my teeth that the decay went through and transferred to its neighbor. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 04:21 - United States - Erie

Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML

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By captain patch beard - 3/10/2019 18:01

RIP Beard

Today, I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks and really hit it off. We headed back to my place to get a little action. As she was riding me, she got rougher and rougher until she reached down and yanked a patch of hair right out of my beard. I yelped in pain and didn’t even finish. FML

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Top comments

By rocker_chick105 | 31

#3808008 - Friday 30 December 2011 15:57

Was the cat ok?

By SnigglePoop | 3

#3808024 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:00

That sounds like a purrty painful situation. I'm not kittin..

COMMENTS

By stephissilly | 18

#3808005 - Friday 30 December 2011 15:56

i hate when that happens!

Reply

npnptracking | 7

#3808036 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:02

^^^^ I love Good Charlotte

Reply

_Oblivion_ | 12

#3808101 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:14

no one cares^

Reply

stephissilly | 18

#3808129 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:19

you are awesome!

Reply

littlegold | 7

#3808162 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:35

Your too cool. Thats good. :p

Reply

bfrench95 | 0

#3808172 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:36

What was your hypothesis..?

Reply

reaganomics | 6

#3808288 - Friday 30 December 2011 17:12

Murphy's law in action, FYL Op

Reply

derper71 | 3

#3808298 - Friday 30 December 2011 17:17

Better luck next year op! Fyl

Reply

enonymous | 8

#3808593 - Friday 30 December 2011 18:53

All of Newtons theories happened here.

Reply

shellz102 | 12

#3808944 - Saturday 31 December 2011 0:34

Today was just not your day. Sorry OP that really sucks!:(

Reply

bfrench95 | 0

#3809122 - Saturday 31 December 2011 2:21

Dafuq? Wheres my comment? FML you delete for no reason!

By rocker_chick105 | 31

#3808008 - Friday 30 December 2011 15:57

Was the cat ok?

Reply

SecretMe00 | 5

#3808164 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:35

Ya, seriously... I hope the cat is ok. And what's OP mean by he came to the conclusion that it would hurt?! Isn't that common sense, you stub your toe, etc and there WILL be pain experienced.

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3808442 - Friday 30 December 2011 17:58

If you want my straight-up opinion I think most cats are not "ok".
I swear they purposely put themselves in these positions so they have an excuse to scratch the living daylights out of any available body part.

Reply

Brock13598 | 0

#3829574 - Wednesday 4 January 2012 16:39

What is OP?

By Jadalicious | 0

#3808010 - Friday 30 December 2011 15:57

toe stubbs are so painful...

Reply

nixter5 | 18

#3808069 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:06

That and when you slam your hip on the corner of a wall. You feel like you've been shot!

Reply

GoW_Chick | 14

#3808745 - Friday 30 December 2011 21:06

Or when you bash your funny bone on the corner of a table, I know that makes me curse like a sailor.

Reply

graham11 | 14

#3808874 - Friday 30 December 2011 23:29

Or when you hit your head on a metal shelf. I did that yesterday and cussed like lil Wayne.

Reply

nixter5 | 18

#3809032 - Saturday 31 December 2011 1:33

"Man F*ck these bi*ch a** shelves!!!"

Reply

graham11 | 14

#3809247 - Saturday 31 December 2011 3:16

92- haha exactly!!;)

Reply

GoW_Chick | 14

#3809676 - Saturday 31 December 2011 6:21

Just the image of that made made me cringe.

And did you mean pesky(damn I don't think that's spelled right) or is pesty some new interweb term I'm not famliar with?

Reply

Goldenchest | 14

#3812575 - Saturday 31 December 2011 21:16

Am I the only one who got 97's reference?

By SloaneJoyyBooty | 0

#3808012 - Friday 30 December 2011 15:58

awh! poor kitty!

By blondebrunette11 | 4

#3808016 - Friday 30 December 2011 15:58

How drunk were you..?

Reply

chasingmountains | 0

#3808210 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:48

My guess is: very

Reply

waswashere | 0

#3808335 - Friday 30 December 2011 17:30

I'm not as think as your drunk I am

By madelinebriana | 11

#3808017 - Friday 30 December 2011 15:58

so...you planned to do all of this?

Reply

sugarandspice33 | 0

#3808419 - Friday 30 December 2011 17:51

Trying to hurt yourself, are you? Tsk tsk

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#3808680 - Friday 30 December 2011 19:58

It does sound as though the OP has had many philosophical musings on this particular hypothetical sequence of events prior to their actual occurrence...

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3809046 - Saturday 31 December 2011 1:42

Too many big words... My brain hurts..

Reply

graham11 | 14

#3809496 - Saturday 31 December 2011 5:16

Can anyone translate #71 to modern day English?

Reply

die_coco | 0

#3810356 - Saturday 31 December 2011 8:11

Lik dis if u cry evertim

Reply

Levvy | 22

#3821557 - Monday 2 January 2012 20:42

It sounds more like the OP had contemplated this exact sequence of events in full before its occurrence. Which implies either an incredibly dubious coincidence or doing it intentionally. Either that or they were just trying to make it sound "funnier" by being excessively loquacious.

By DalPozzo13 | 10

#3808022 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:00

Damn, fyl.

By SnigglePoop | 3

#3808024 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:00

That sounds like a purrty painful situation. I'm not kittin..

Reply

nixter5 | 18

#3808052 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:04

You sir, are incredibly punny!!

Reply

poopypants09 | 0

#3808367 - Friday 30 December 2011 17:38

Poooooooooooooooooooop e

Reply

crazychick1269 | 7

#3808440 - Friday 30 December 2011 17:56

^ ???

Reply

PeypeyTheBeeotch | 1

#3809136 - Saturday 31 December 2011 2:23

That was...wow...

By Shelta957 | 13

#3808057 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:05

You thought about how much this would all hurt?

By erfia | 0

#3808061 - Friday 30 December 2011 16:05

Ouch!!!!