Money and Kids: Today, I came home from a month long vacation to find my house... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I came home from a month long vacation to find my house absolutely trashed with a lot of valuable items missing. Burglary? Nope. My dad, who was meant to be house-sitting for me, let the neighbour's teenage son have several parties there in exchange for weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5317

You deserved it

450

Tweet

Share

Triage

Rock, hard place

Face value

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33619

You deserved it

2434

Tweet

Share

By queenofthegypsys

Why Change a Perfectly Good System?

Today, while creeping on my boyfriend's ex-wife’s Facebook, I found out that he used to call her the same nicknames he now calls me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

994

You deserved it

854

Tweet

Share

By lonestar - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of deleting my texts from my phone because I'm afraid of him finding out about another man in my life. Truth is, I don't have a life outside of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33075

You deserved it

5677

Tweet

Share

By failed brood mare - United States - Hollywood

Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64484

You deserved it

3098

Tweet

Share

By Umidknickname

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going away for the weekend to go clubbing with his mates. I would be fine with it, except the mates he's going with already tried to get him to cheat on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4811

You deserved it

473

Tweet

Share

By Gross... - United States

Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38519

You deserved it

3255

Tweet

Share

By goddamitme - United States

Today, My girlfriend came from behind me and put her hand in my back pockets. I though it was someone trying to take my wallet, I elbowed her in the nose and broke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49999

You deserved it

12897

Tweet

Share

By EastOneTen - United States

Today, my four roommates and I contracted lice. While all our heads were slathered in mayonnaise and saran wrap, our building's fire alarm went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26227

You deserved it

3496

Tweet

Share

By downinthedumps - United States - Detroit

Today, I went to take a piss in a public bathroom. Somehow, I managed to completely jam the lock. After minutes of trying to get myself out, I gave up and crawled under the stall, at which point someone walked in and was very surprised to see me on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28873

You deserved it

3305

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Ramon

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48289

You deserved it

4196

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day of school as a freshman. I soon became lost and decided to ask a senior for directions to my class. They smiled at me and said "It's on the third floor to the right." After ten minutes of walking up and down stairs and hallways, I discovered there is no third floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33435

You deserved it

20912

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39074

You deserved it

3575

Tweet

Share

By Silver_Samurai - Netherlands

Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25635

You deserved it

10469

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11975

You deserved it

52071

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 17:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Stinky

Today, I realized that my flatmate showers so little that the furniture she uses smells like BO. FML

I agree, your life sucks

891

You deserved it

62

Tweet

Share

By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up really early before my mom so I could make pancakes for mother's day. I placed everything on a tray and even picked a flower, had a card for her and took it to her bedroom. She said "You shouldn't have, pancakes are fattening." She took one bite and fed the rest to the dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69132

You deserved it

4225

Tweet

Share

By Cantswim - United States

Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a fear I'll drown and I'm totally afraid of swimming anyway and never get anywhere near water. My instructor? A high school classmate of mine. My fellow swimming classmates? 5 and 6 year old kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56471

You deserved it

9947

Tweet

Share

By blabla - Brazil

Today, I rushed home during a torrential downpour. When I got back, I went to take a pee and took off my wet socks while I had the chance. Once I finished, I stood up with used toilet paper in one hand and wet socks in the other. Guess which I tossed into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20241

You deserved it

12946

Tweet

Share

By mylifesucks - France - Paris

Today, my girlfriend and I made love. She stared at her One Direction poster the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59192

You deserved it

12650

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38341

You deserved it

8081

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that after reuniting with an old boyfriend, getting close with his two year old son, and moving closer to him to properly be a part of their lives, he got back together with his ex wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27285

You deserved it

6183

Tweet

Share

By zaynemaliksvagina - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I was having a rough day, so I decided to go to the movies to unwind. 15 minutes in, some assmunch behind me said "This movie sucks!" then dumped his drink over my head and ran out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30297

You deserved it

1872

Tweet

Share

By JC - United States

Today, I was driving down the road when a dog suddenly runs across the street. In attempt to spare its life, I swerved to the side of the road and rear-ended another car. The car I hit belonged the family that owned the dog. Now I have to pay them because I saved their dog's life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39238

You deserved it

5923

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while working as a makeup artist in the mall, I was approached by a man who wanted to try lipstick (not unusual we do a lot of drag). While I'm applying it he starts to make gross noises and after a quick glance I realize he has a massive erection. He then whispers mmmm don't stop now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

82425

You deserved it

4488

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Belgium - De Pinte

Today, my co-workers decided in our meeting with my boss that everything is my fault. When asked for examples, they couldn't come up with any. Now they are mad at me, because I'm apparently good at my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12638

You deserved it

978

Tweet

Share

By hoaloha - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went to the store to buy some new shirts. I tried them on and none of them fit. When I walked out to return the shirts, everybody was staring at me. I looked down to see why. I'd forgotten to put my original shirt back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10199

You deserved it

24799

Tweet

Share

By kaitlyna15 - United States - Bellevue

Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27886

You deserved it

1787

Tweet

Share

By doodlecrzyMeg - United States - Mattoon

Today, I had to hide in the closet all morning because my 22-year-old boyfriend didn't want to admit to his parents that he had his girlfriend stay the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24565

You deserved it

4229

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Overland Park

Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28657

You deserved it

3303

Tweet

Share

By Hue - United States

Today, I spent more time driving to my vacation spot than actually vacationing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23349

You deserved it

4162

Tweet

Share

By birdguts - United Kingdom

Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31904

You deserved it

5230

Tweet

Share

By Nadaz - United States - Charlotte

Today, while talking to my girlfriend, the subject of Darth Vader came up. That's when she asked me, "Aren't Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker the same person?" I don't know what's worse, the fact that she asked me that, or the fact that I got upset over her lack of Star Wars knowledge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25246

You deserved it

13512

Tweet

Share

By M - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9046

You deserved it

43263

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I went to the print shop to get some work printed. The guy serving me printed my entire order wrong because he pushed the wrong button, so it had to be done again. He tried to charge me a fine for the mistake he made because "it's not a viable business otherwise". FML

I agree, your life sucks

24122

You deserved it

1573

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Ithaca

Today, I discovered that when you suddenly get channels that you didn't have before, it doesn't mean there was a glitch and you're getting free TV, it just means that your son called the cable company and had your plan changed so you get every conceivable channel at a hugely increased price. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37652

You deserved it

5231

Tweet

Share

By squirty_joe - United States

Today, at work, I was alone in the breakroom when I got a slight pain in my belly. I thought I needed to pass gas, so I tried since no one else was in there. It wasn't gas. It was diarrhea. I'm wearing a mini skirt today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68174

You deserved it

20467

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Whittier

Today, my manager made everyone put up Christmas decorations around the store. As well as this, we're going to have Christmas music playing on repeat all the way through to January. It's not even September yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43349

You deserved it

3019

Tweet

Share

By KMAC - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in a long distance relationship with his ex. Not only do we live on the same island, he's also my neighbor and my co-worker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30313

You deserved it

3332

Tweet

Share

By notAMrs - United States - Jeffersonville

Today, I called off my engagement, after finding out my fiancé is cheating on me. I recently started a new job, and in anticipation of getting married, I asked that my username include his surname. They can't be changed, so now I get to log in every day under that sorry bastard's surname. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29976

You deserved it

9163

Tweet

Share

By nosleeptilpissoff - United States

Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34320

You deserved it

6368

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By indienerdgirl | 27

#7596491 - Thursday 8 February 2018 17:38

Never let your dad in your house again. I'd also hold him responsible for all the missing items that were stolen.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7596452 - Thursday 8 February 2018 15:48

You ought to open a can of jiu-jitsu whoop-ass on him!

COMMENTS

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7596444 - Thursday 8 February 2018 15:32

You had one job, dad! One job!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7596452 - Thursday 8 February 2018 15:48

You ought to open a can of jiu-jitsu whoop-ass on him!

By indienerdgirl | 27

#7596491 - Thursday 8 February 2018 17:38

Never let your dad in your house again. I'd also hold him responsible for all the missing items that were stolen.

By Allie614032 | 34

#7596502 - Thursday 8 February 2018 18:06

Sneak his credit card and order a cleaning service on it.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7596537 - Thursday 8 February 2018 19:32

He better be getting at least 10 kilos of weed for it.

By thatslifeiguess7 | 15

#7596576 - Thursday 8 February 2018 21:27

Wow is dad going thru a midlife crisis

By boopingsnoot | 23

#7596586 - Thursday 8 February 2018 21:55

Call the cops

By carandcartoonfan | 1

#7597106 - Friday 9 February 2018 23:13

you should tell your mom to divorce your dad or you can kick him in the nuts

By CoyoteOldOne | 17

#7597589 - Sunday 11 February 2018 8:19

Maybe you should let a pack of raccoons into his house for a party.

By unintended_consequence | 5

#7599060 - Wednesday 14 February 2018 19:46

canabisome?