Today, I came home early, only to hear a mad scramble in the...

By betrayed - 16/7/2014 20:09 - United States - Portland

Today, I came home early, only to hear a mad scramble in the living room. I found my now ex-girlfriend and best friend in there, sweaty and in their underwear. The idiot actually had the balls to claim he was teaching her how to do push-ups. FML

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Love

Work name

Assumptions

Rich people problems

By brandiboobarry - 29/11/2010 06:01

Today, I told my mom that I wanted professional head-shots done for Christmas. When asked why, I said "I want to submit them to a modeling agency." My mom exchanged looks with my sister before laughing so hard that she wet herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2019 20:05

In the zone

Today, I was flirting with a girl I like when she confessed she was into another guy. I then proceeded to wingman for that guy, telling her to take her shot with him before the chance went away. Effectively sticking myself into the friendzone. FML

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By Mark - 30/3/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I was working out at the gym doing squats. There was a girl there that I wanted to impress so I loaded up the bar with a lot of weight and began to do my squat. As I was going down I farted so loud that I began to laugh and fell backwards. Everyone in the room just stared at me. FML

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By Goobie - 15/1/2010 07:24 - United States

Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, 1 is for sober driving and 2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2020 23:02

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Today, I found out my girlfriend talks to around 18 other men for fun. She says she loves me more, but I told her to prove it, so I took her phone and deleted the social media accounts that she made just for these men. Now I'm a "toxic controlling monster" because I don't let her chat with random men. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2016 17:10 - Japan - Koshigaya

Today, I was starting a new job and I didn't want to be late, so I took a train that left earlier than normal, just to make sure I'd be on time. Turns out, the earlier train wasn't an express train, and made it to my stop 12 minutes after my usual one did. I was late for work. FML

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By Lonile13 - 7/9/2016 03:28 - Philippines

Today, after 2 years and 5 months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML

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By neelloc83 - 2/3/2009 14:22 - United States

Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant. I was waiting for the group to arrive and our table to be ready. An Indian man approached me smiling, so I said "We're not ready for our table yet". Then I realized it was my friend's boyfriend who I've met several times. FML

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By mary - 21/2/2012 15:33 - Australia

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

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By Badchristian - 5/4/2012 04:17 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I went to my Christian accountability partner from church to talk about continuing to maintain Christian values. We had sex. Oh, the irony. FML

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By Sybil90 - 11/11/2009 13:03 - United States

Today, a bee flew in my car so I swerved off the road and hit a mailbox. It was a metal keg filled with cement buried in the ground. Taking my father's advice I fled the scene. Later my mailman knocked on my door holding part of my bumper. He said "Excuse me, I think you hit my mailbox this morning." FML

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By neversayhiagain - 10/2/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 12:33 - Australia - Fairfield

Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show, Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I am now afraid to argue with her. FML

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By I did them anyway - 20/7/2015 22:01 - New Zealand

Today, my flatmate asked me to wash the large pile of dishes on the bench, and if I would start on cleaning the house which was a total mess. This would have been fine if I hadn't just walked in after being away for a week. FML

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By Peter C. - 22/1/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, my friends and I were messing around with an app on my phone that makes your picture look fat. My picture looked the same before and after. FML

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By Anon - 13/6/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I've been a member of eHarmony for almost a year. No one has ever contacted me out of the 134 people I've been "scientifically" matched with. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 11:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend learned that calling someone a "stupid bitch" under your breath while staring right at them from six feet away works very differently in my house than at hers. She also learned my sister has one hell of a punch. FML

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By Ksweety_fml - 1/8/2019 02:00

Today, somebody in a store was talking about a girl who had a snake, and while I was walking out the store, an old lady asked me if I was the girl with the snake. I said no, to which she replied, "Oh, because you look like someone who would." FML

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By lapines01 - 12/8/2019 02:00

Today, I went on a date with this really cute guy. We were walking in a park and decided to go on the swings. As I was swinging super high up, I threw up. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 14:38 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2020 02:00 - United States

Numb

Today, I noticed that my mom had left the house without her cell phone. I called her phone to let her know she forgot it. FML

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By Fuckit - 28/5/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, the girl I love made me text my best friend how much she loved him. This because her phone died. I was at the movies with her on our date. FML

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By knobbed - 27/1/2014 23:09 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I got a black eye while trying to break up a fight caused by some complete bastard making a "yo momma" joke at the funeral of my best friend's mother. FML

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By sailorpete - 30/6/2019 02:25

Today, I got fired from the job I've only had for a week. Between paying for a physical, my own background check and uniforms, I paid more money to start working there than I'll get from my one and only paycheck. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 18:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me it wasn't working out and he was breaking up with me. The reason? I have the same first and last name as a very unpopular girl, and he gets embarrassed when people mistakenly assume he's going out with her. FML

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By JustWashedTheseJeans - 25/10/2016 01:05

Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

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By Pimp-Daddy - 21/7/2009 14:55 - Canada

Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my cookies. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the cookies are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2013 22:24 - Egypt

Today, my mum picked up a bunch of tissues that were scattered around my room. She examined them, then asked me to stop wasting her potential grandchildren. FML

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By brrrr that's cold! - 27/1/2011 20:24 - United States

Today, I finally felt well enough to take an actual shower after having surgery on my back. It took five minutes to stand up, ten minutes to get to the shower, and another ten minutes to get in. The pilot light went out in less than five minutes. FML

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By parkinglotslayer - 11/6/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my family and I were parking downtown when my sister yelled to watch out for a man approaching our car. I see him pull something from his pocket. I yell "It's a knife, don't roll down the window!" It was a pen, he was the parking attendant and the window was already rolled down. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2009 07:39 - Australia

Today, at the breakfast table my mum asked me what I thought about the plumber who came to our place a couple of weeks ago. I told her that I thought he was really cute and how hard I tried to flirt with him, she nodded and told me that he is her new boyfriend and might move in with us soon. FML

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By jennybrev - 13/7/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I awoke to find a water pipe burst. I frantically ran down to the basement to turn off the water to the house. What I didn't expect when I reached the bottom of the stairs was to have to start dodging the falling, wet ceiling tiles. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, I was pretending to be an angry bear while babysitting a 3 year old boy, and an 19 month old girl. I was chasing them around the house having a great time. Just when I bent over to pick up his sister for a diaper change the 3 year old decided it was his turn. He bit me square on the ass. FML

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By unlucky - 8/10/2012 16:39 - United States - Alpena

Today, I'm going to be helping the love of my life pick out an engagement ring for my cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2019 02:02

Today, despite filling all the parameters for a model employee and being praised by multiple people over the time I was working, I was fired because a client complained to my manager that I didn't seem to know what I was doing. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 16:06 - United States

Today, I removed the side rails from my truck because I didn't think I really needed them. An hour later, I went to Wal-Mart, forgot they were gone, and busted my ass in public while getting out of my truck. FML

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By arekusa - 23/6/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mother thinks I'm a loser and a scumbag. We haven't even met yet. FML

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By LearnToLive - 15/5/2012 15:59

Today, I'm on a trip to Poland with some friends. We came to experience the country's culture, and to challenge our preconceptions about this part of Europe. We had sat on a bench, and not ten seconds later, a stranger approached and asked, "How much for your friend?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 22:00

Today, I found my boyfriend browsing tablet PCs on the internet. He actually had a tablet until a while ago, but he hardly ever used it. He still has two smartphones, a desktop PC and a laptop he never uses. But yeah, sure, he needs a tablet. Because, "they're cheap." FML

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By faglypoog - 23/12/2016 02:31

Today, my $200 drone malfunctioned and wouldn't stop. For fifteen minutes I followed it on my bike until it finally disappeared. On the way back I was pulled over for not wearing a helmet. FML

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Top comments

By cyttex | 13

#6010196 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:00

What a douchebag and shitty friend

By HairyPunisher | 27

#6010198 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:00

They had nowhere better to go than your apartment? Time for new friends, a new girlfriend, and new locks OP.

Comments

By cyttex | 13

#6010196 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:00

What a douchebag and shitty friend

katieemerr | 15

#6010246 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:14

You're better off without both of them OP!

MidnaLink | 32

#6010262 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:23

You also forgot his slut of an ex-girlfriend.

abdiG | 27

#6010288 - Thursday 17 July 2014 2:06

show your idiot best friend you got balls and kick his sorry ass motherfucker. that would teach him a valuable lesson. sorry op. fyl.

temmera | 16

#6010415 - Thursday 17 July 2014 5:12

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

OysterPearls | 33

#6010430 - Thursday 17 July 2014 5:27

72, they were referring to OP's girlfriend. Not that of his disloyal friend.

Kevin_Kestel | 24

#6010489 - Thursday 17 July 2014 6:51

Your definitely right. Op I'm sorry to hear it. If I were you I'd keep my head high and get rid of them both. Good luck :)

NinjaDitto623 | 14

#6010917 - Thursday 17 July 2014 20:13

Maybe he was teaching her push-ups...? Jk, FYL OP

ChaCerCam | 14

#6010990 - Thursday 17 July 2014 23:15

why so many dislikes he's being more honest than half of all the comments.

theinformer | 3

#6011098 - Friday 18 July 2014 2:44

I find it funny that this comment was down-voted as apposed to the comment calling the guy a asshole,douche,and a dick are given thumbs up, just curious.

By igive | 28

#6010197 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:00

A swift kick in the nads for him, the shins for her.

Kruiser | 16

#6010412 - Thursday 17 July 2014 5:11

When you say 'the idiot actually had the balls' you're saying that because you kicked his balls so hard they aren't functioning anymore, right? People like that shouldn't reproduce

friedpwnadge | 25

#6010431 - Thursday 17 July 2014 5:27

Guess OP has read FML enough to know we would just say to dump her anyways.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6010483 - Thursday 17 July 2014 6:33

Shins? I'm sorry, but she's getting kicked in the vagina too...

igive | 28

#6010484 - Thursday 17 July 2014 6:38

Nah his foot might get stuck.

fortune789 | 17

#6010863 - Thursday 17 July 2014 19:03

More like his foot would get sucked into a plans of oblivion.

dudecall | 18

#6011178 - Friday 18 July 2014 6:09

By HairyPunisher | 27

#6010198 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:00

They had nowhere better to go than your apartment? Time for new friends, a new girlfriend, and new locks OP.

iateapenguin | 27

#6010286 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:59

Maybe OP and his girlfriend were living together?

HairyPunisher | 27

#6010303 - Thursday 17 July 2014 2:25

Maybe. I didn't think of that. He'd better make her move out if that's the case.

salvorican | 24

#6010316 - Thursday 17 July 2014 2:47

Even so, ops ex was stupid to cheat in their own home.

TheElBurrrito | 21

#6010467 - Thursday 17 July 2014 6:15

#3, I think the second part of your statement/question still stands.

doctorhook86 | 24

#6010512 - Thursday 17 July 2014 7:38

#43: You're not wrong, but it wouldn't be any more right if she'd cheated someplace else.

meepingoreos | 6

#6013692 - Monday 21 July 2014 0:35

Maybe the best friend is his roommate.

By Meggston | 17

#6010199 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:00

I hope your best friend is an ex now too. ::(

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#6010607 - Thursday 17 July 2014 10:37

Is that like an alien or a spider emoticon you have at the end there?

Meggston | 17

#6010774 - Thursday 17 July 2014 16:04

Alien. ^-^

By Since1998 | 20

#6010200 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:01

How did he think "we were doing pushups" was a valid excuse...

ohdode | 9

#6010228 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:09

I too teach my friends girlfriends push-ups in their underwear....

foxwasalamb | 24

#6010296 - Thursday 17 July 2014 2:16

you can see the muscles much clearer without the barrier of clothing

mike7800 | 8

#6010592 - Thursday 17 July 2014 10:10

I know! aerobics would've been much better

By annabelle92212 | 10

#6010202 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:01

wow im sorry op I hope u kicked the "best friend" to the curb after you use him as a punching bag

saba_ajira | 29

#6010523 - Thursday 17 July 2014 8:08

Its what I would have done

By thatsabiggun | 11

#6010205 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:02

Well, I'm sorry to say, but you had
a whore for a girlfriend, and an idiot for a best friend.

wildsweetchild | 19

#6010599 - Thursday 17 July 2014 10:25

at least OP got rid of both of them in one shot.

By annabelle92212 | 10

#6010206 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:02

wow im so sorry I hope u kicked ur best friend to the curb bleeding

By Vitally | 6

#6010211 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:03

Now teach her how to pick up her belongings off the street, then teach him how to dodge a punch. The second one might take a few tries before he gets it right.

grogers311 | 20

#6010331 - Thursday 17 July 2014 3:15

Best comment ever!!!

NandaPanda | 22

#6010369 - Thursday 17 July 2014 4:27

If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a punch ;D

By sharklover2017 | 11

#6010213 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:03

What a piece of shit friend! I'm a girl, and even I know bros before hoes... And this girl is definitely a how for not having the balls to end it before fucking someone else...

teentee401 | 36

#6010507 - Thursday 17 July 2014 7:30

This isn't really "bros before hoes" since he didn't chose a "hoe" over a bro.

It's more like "bros before being a dick and sleeping with your bro's girlfriend"

TiiBags | 15

#6010693 - Thursday 17 July 2014 13:27

But #93, his 'bro' chose a hoe over their friendship, i.e the rule still applies, just a little differently; bros before their hoes.