Today, I came home early, only to hear a mad scramble in the...

By betrayed - United States - Portland

Today, I came home early, only to hear a mad scramble in the living room. I found my now ex-girlfriend and best friend in there, sweaty and in their underwear. The idiot actually had the balls to claim he was teaching her how to do push-ups. FML

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61313

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Love

Weird kid

Lobbied

I don't wanna

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

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27303

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

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40491

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By bobby - United States

Today, I went to lick the excess peanut butter off the knife after making a PB and J. Turns out the knife can and will cut your tongue, even though you don't think it will. FML

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11739

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By Idiot - United States - Anchorage

Today, while working at the bar, I had a beautiful woman squeeze my bicep and tell me I was in amazing shape. Instead of flirting like any normal human being, I awkwardly said, "Thanks…" and then walked away in shame. FML

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5798

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By screwedfortheweek - United States

Today, I started a new job. After being trained on several obscure computer programs I'm expected to use in just one day, my new boss informed me she's going on a week long vacation starting tomorrow. She's the only other person who knows how this program runs. FML

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20764

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By Anonymous - United States

Paranoid much?

Today, I got pushed around by several suspicious mothers in a playground. I just wanted to sit down and rest my feet while I waited for my wife to finish her shopping across the street. FML

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1524

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By hungryman - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom pulled me aside and started telling me about how her daughter was extremely depressed and suicidal before she met me, and how happy her family is because of me. I was planning on breaking up with her within the next week. FML

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54495

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By helpme - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

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27254

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By noname - United States

Today, my mother wore a see through shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra. FML

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52423

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By Halloweenie - United States

Today, I took a box of Halloween decorations down from the attic. Inside, were a bunch of fake spiders. I emptied the box onto the floor and the "fake" spiders crawled all over the living room in opposite directions. FML

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43034

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By Bilirubin - United States

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I've been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I've rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

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33601

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came back to my appartment to find that I couldn't watch certain channels on my tv. When I called the tv company I found out my parents had put a 'parental block' on all my favorite channels. Im 22 and rent an appartment with my friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cranston

Today, I had to listen to my boss say "Arabica beans" in a goofy, fake New England accent every time the McDonald's ice coffee commercial came on the radio. I worked a 12-hour shift. FML

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35661

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By superdriver - Mexico

Today, I was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes. My explanation was suddently interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car. FML

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8169

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By Dimples - United States - Sanford

Today, I was at a café with my friends when an elderly man noticed my dimples. He came up to me, stroked them while whispering, "One in a million" then walked out. Now my friends do this to me constantly, even while driving home. I almost hit a tree. FML

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38332

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By Username - United States

Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML

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By not outdoorsy - 10/7/2020 14:02

The call of the wild

Today, I haven’t been camping since I was a kid. I decided to give it another shot. I bought all the best equipment, researched all the great locations, planned a whole weekend. Turns out I still fucking hate camping and now I’m out over $400. FML

I agree, your life sucks

532

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1964

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By popemichael - United States

Today, I was showing my unique new tattoo to my friends when a man approaches me with his digital camera and asks if he could take a picture of the tattoo for his website. I agreed. I find out later that it's a site about ugly tattoos. FML

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16007

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 23:00

Bad news

Today, I was hanging out with my friends and my sister, we were all wasted and I was making jokes. My sister then gets a phone call, I leave the room to get a drink and I hear everyone go a bit silent I come back in and all of the sudden everyone looks at me. My friend says, "Um… I'm so sorry, your mom passed." FML

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2279

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By Anon - United Kingdom - Kingston Upon Thames

Today, I requested a pay rise at work. They said they couldn't do it as they have to cut costs, so I resigned. They've now re-advertised my job for more money than I asked for. FML

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24531

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By IHateGroupProjects - United States - Riverdale

Today, I've now received my 73rd email in two days about my masters group project on policy recommendations for security reform. One group member has helpfully rewritten everything, and our project is now titled "Zeus's Earthly Kingdom." It's due today. FML

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21281

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By Anonymous - Cura?ao

Today, I read a book by a former client who did time for fraud. She swears she's innocent, and blames everyone for her "ordeal": the police, court, judge, and me, her own attorney. She conveniently forgot to mention her two full confessions, one of which was given before the judge. FML

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40172

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 14:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

I CAN HEAR YOU

Today, as usual, my flatmate is so loud when talking face to face that my ears and head rattle. I can't say anything because how dare I suggest there's anything wrong with my roommate's hearing. Yet nobody else talks this loud. FML

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690

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By liveforpeace_ - Canada

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

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By Chloe - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

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11939

You deserved it

65524

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By birthday blues - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

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11514

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900

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By SeaBind - United States - Saginaw

Today, a friend wanted to show me a game he bragged he was the best at. I beat his score on the first try, and now I have a black eye to prove it. FML

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31722

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By Anonymous - United States - Hicksville

Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML

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44827

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl that I have been trying to get with for over a year told me she was drunk and just gave her first blowjob to some guy. FML

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32470

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of my breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML

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52676

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By lonely otaku - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, Christmas changed my life. Last year I had a boyfriend to cuddle with on Christmas; this year I have a body pillow of an anime character. FML

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42336

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2020 21:00

Check your head

Today, while watching a movie on my iPad, a really cute girl sat next to me. Suddenly, everyone on the bus started clapping. I started to clap very loudly as well, asking the girl why we were clapping. She gave me a strange look. I then realized the applause was coming from my headphones. FML

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674

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2044

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By Jenbearish

Today, the laziest person in my department came and complained to me, while I was working, that they didn't know why we were so far behind today. Then they went to chat to their friend for 45 minutes. I know why. FML

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15720

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By noooooo - United States - Bainbridge

Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from barking at the guy fixing our water heater. One of them is stress-farting. FML

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20892

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By Bilze - United States - Burke

Today, I was reading a book on paper for the first time in maybe a month. I had to stop at a word I did not recognise. Because I'm so used to using a Kindle, I tried to get the definition by pressing it. I had my finger on the word for a few seconds before I realised it was paper. FML

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8600

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the student tutor my son advised me to hire was my son's girlfriend. I have been paying her $20 an hour for the last 3 weeks to make out with my son in his room. FML

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36191

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By kel - United States

Today, in between the passing times at school, one of my classmates opened the door to my next class, so I turned to tell him thank you. Apparently, he was opening it for the teacher who was leaving. I collided with her and her very hot cup of coffee. FML

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24595

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Rocky VIX

Today, I was laying with my face dangling down the side of my bed, when my kitten rushed up to me looking worried. He sniffed me for a while, then decided the best thing to do was to stand on his hind legs and start punching my face like a speed bag. FML

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1266

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By Seriouslynow - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up at 6:30 this morning, but I didn't have to be at work till 11. I walked the dog, made breakfast and read for a little bit. I then woke up again at 11:30. FML

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11828

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By Rowaelin16 - United States - Chicago

Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML

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18791

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Top comments

By cyttex | 13

#6010196 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:00

What a douchebag and shitty friend

By HairyPunisher | 27

#6010198 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:00

They had nowhere better to go than your apartment? Time for new friends, a new girlfriend, and new locks OP.

COMMENTS

By cyttex | 13

#6010196 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:00

What a douchebag and shitty friend

katieemerr | 15

#6010246 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:14

You're better off without both of them OP!

MidnaLink | 32

#6010262 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:23

You also forgot his slut of an ex-girlfriend.

abdiG | 27

#6010288 - Thursday 17 July 2014 2:06

show your idiot best friend you got balls and kick his sorry ass motherfucker. that would teach him a valuable lesson. sorry op. fyl.

temmera | 16

#6010415 - Thursday 17 July 2014 5:12

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

OysterPearls | 33

#6010430 - Thursday 17 July 2014 5:27

72, they were referring to OP's girlfriend. Not that of his disloyal friend.

Kevin_Kestel | 24

#6010489 - Thursday 17 July 2014 6:51

Your definitely right. Op I'm sorry to hear it. If I were you I'd keep my head high and get rid of them both. Good luck :)

NinjaDitto623 | 14

#6010917 - Thursday 17 July 2014 20:13

Maybe he was teaching her push-ups...? Jk, FYL OP

ChaCerCam | 14

#6010990 - Thursday 17 July 2014 23:15

why so many dislikes he's being more honest than half of all the comments.

theinformer | 3

#6011098 - Friday 18 July 2014 2:44

I find it funny that this comment was down-voted as apposed to the comment calling the guy a asshole,douche,and a dick are given thumbs up, just curious.

By igive | 28

#6010197 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:00

A swift kick in the nads for him, the shins for her.

Kruiser | 16

#6010412 - Thursday 17 July 2014 5:11

When you say 'the idiot actually had the balls' you're saying that because you kicked his balls so hard they aren't functioning anymore, right? People like that shouldn't reproduce

friedpwnadge | 25

#6010431 - Thursday 17 July 2014 5:27

Guess OP has read FML enough to know we would just say to dump her anyways.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6010483 - Thursday 17 July 2014 6:33

Shins? I'm sorry, but she's getting kicked in the vagina too...

igive | 28

#6010484 - Thursday 17 July 2014 6:38

Nah his foot might get stuck.

fortune789 | 17

#6010863 - Thursday 17 July 2014 19:03

More like his foot would get sucked into a plans of oblivion.

dudecall | 18

#6011178 - Friday 18 July 2014 6:09

By HairyPunisher | 27

#6010198 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:00

They had nowhere better to go than your apartment? Time for new friends, a new girlfriend, and new locks OP.

iateapenguin | 27

#6010286 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:59

Maybe OP and his girlfriend were living together?

HairyPunisher | 27

#6010303 - Thursday 17 July 2014 2:25

Maybe. I didn't think of that. He'd better make her move out if that's the case.

salvorican | 24

#6010316 - Thursday 17 July 2014 2:47

Even so, ops ex was stupid to cheat in their own home.

TheElBurrrito | 21

#6010467 - Thursday 17 July 2014 6:15

#3, I think the second part of your statement/question still stands.

doctorhook86 | 24

#6010512 - Thursday 17 July 2014 7:38

#43: You're not wrong, but it wouldn't be any more right if she'd cheated someplace else.

meepingoreos | 6

#6013692 - Monday 21 July 2014 0:35

Maybe the best friend is his roommate.

By Meggston | 17

#6010199 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:00

I hope your best friend is an ex now too. ::(

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#6010607 - Thursday 17 July 2014 10:37

Is that like an alien or a spider emoticon you have at the end there?

Meggston | 17

#6010774 - Thursday 17 July 2014 16:04

Alien. ^-^

By Since1998 | 20

#6010200 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:01

How did he think "we were doing pushups" was a valid excuse...

ohdode | 9

#6010228 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:09

I too teach my friends girlfriends push-ups in their underwear....

foxwasalamb | 24

#6010296 - Thursday 17 July 2014 2:16

you can see the muscles much clearer without the barrier of clothing

mike7800 | 8

#6010592 - Thursday 17 July 2014 10:10

I know! aerobics would've been much better

By annabelle92212 | 10

#6010202 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:01

wow im sorry op I hope u kicked the "best friend" to the curb after you use him as a punching bag

saba_ajira | 29

#6010523 - Thursday 17 July 2014 8:08

Its what I would have done

By thatsabiggun | 11

#6010205 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:02

Well, I'm sorry to say, but you had
a whore for a girlfriend, and an idiot for a best friend.

wildsweetchild | 19

#6010599 - Thursday 17 July 2014 10:25

at least OP got rid of both of them in one shot.

By annabelle92212 | 10

#6010206 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:02

wow im so sorry I hope u kicked ur best friend to the curb bleeding

By Vitally | 6

#6010211 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:03

Now teach her how to pick up her belongings off the street, then teach him how to dodge a punch. The second one might take a few tries before he gets it right.

grogers311 | 20

#6010331 - Thursday 17 July 2014 3:15

Best comment ever!!!

NandaPanda | 22

#6010369 - Thursday 17 July 2014 4:27

If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a punch ;D

By sharklover2017 | 11

#6010213 - Thursday 17 July 2014 1:03

What a piece of shit friend! I'm a girl, and even I know bros before hoes... And this girl is definitely a how for not having the balls to end it before fucking someone else...

teentee401 | 36

#6010507 - Thursday 17 July 2014 7:30

This isn't really "bros before hoes" since he didn't chose a "hoe" over a bro.

It's more like "bros before being a dick and sleeping with your bro's girlfriend"

TiiBags | 15

#6010693 - Thursday 17 July 2014 13:27

But #93, his 'bro' chose a hoe over their friendship, i.e the rule still applies, just a little differently; bros before their hoes.