Work: Today, I anxiously waited 8 hours for an important phone call.... - FML

By iliterallypoopedmyself - 19/01/2012 01:54 - Australia

Today, I anxiously waited 8 hours for an important phone call. The phone rang while I was sitting on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 703

You deserved it 3 864

Best teeth in the game

Empathy lives

Triage

Self-own

By Anonymous - 20/01/2021 08:01

Today, out of nowhere, I started violently choking on my own saliva and shat myself in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 102

By xXx3mi_MuffinxXx - 01/07/2011 19:23 - United States

Today, I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't make it to the lake today or tomorrow because I'd been called in to work. She won't believe me and thinks I'm simply avoiding her. I got called in to bathe and clean dogs' anal glands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 694

You deserved it 3 198

By jerk_ex_boyfriend - 21/04/2013 13:33 - United States - Narberth

Today, I overheard my boyfriend talking to his mom about me. It sounded like they were planning something for me, like a marriage. They were planning how to break up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 367

You deserved it 6 163

By jxfc - 07/11/2016 08:11 - United States - Tracy

Today, as I was helping a customer, she asked if it was my first day and who was training me. Evidently, I'm bad at my job, because I've worked there for 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 545

You deserved it 1 503

By dumbfounded - 08/05/2016 12:14 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to calm down an angry customer who claimed one of my employees had "traumatized" her dog. Apparently her dog is really OCD and my employee didn't line up the dog bed at the right angle. She threatened to report us to the BBB. How do these morons even exist? FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 146

You deserved it 1 344

By jaivolétonnez - 17/06/2015 05:54 - France - La Courneuve

Today, in a train, I did the old "I've got your nose" trick for a kid. He got off at the next stop, then waved something at me from the platform, then yelled, "I've got your keys!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 419

You deserved it 7 005

By Carlos Cervantes_1981647997 - 08/08/2019 06:00

Today, like any other day, I look just like Kim Jung-un. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 469

You deserved it 195

By Anonymous - 18/03/2014 14:56 - Japan

Today, I found out my ex just got engaged to a girl he met 3 months ago, shortly before he ended our 5 year relationship. His reason for breaking up was that he didn't believe in marriage and couldn't be with someone who wanted to get married. Right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 700

You deserved it 4 041

What goes around…

By Anonymous - 02/08/2020 20:01

Today, my wife demanded that I cut all ties with my best friend, just because she doesn't like the jokes he tells. Now she's bitching that she's upset because his wife, who she works with, is talking about her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 443

You deserved it 305

By NowImSingle - 12/02/2018 19:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and threw all my stuff out into the yard because she caught me "texting another woman". Guess it didn't matter to her that the contact name was "Mom". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 409

You deserved it 402

By George - 15/01/2013 20:53 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I got a new girlfriend. Unfortunately, the last girl I asked out just responded to my relationship request on Facebook. It's been 4 hours, and my new girlfriend already thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 468

You deserved it 46 590

A pasting for pasties

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, some bloke pushed me to the floor and kicked me twice in the head so he could steal, no joke, the two Greggs pasties I just bought. He wasn’t homeless either, he had designer jeans and a giant iPhone, and he did it in broad daylight with witnesses. What the hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 043

You deserved it 54

By Anonymous - 05/02/2010 06:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was in the car with my 16 year old daughter. There was a guy on a fast looking motorcycle next to me at the stop light. I yelled to him to "get it up!" so that he would do a wheelie. Just before the light turned green he yelled back, "You're too old for me, but I'll get it up for her!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 092

You deserved it 32 088

By SadPuppy - 22/05/2013 07:14 - United States

Today, while grieving over the loss of my Grandpa, I called my girlfriend for comfort. After I had cheered up, she said, "Don't worry, he went to Hell anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 751

You deserved it 3 531

By Anonymous - 02/11/2015 19:25 - Germany - Herford

Today, my boyfriend had the choice of A) living alone gaming, or B) moving in with me, gaming in his own man-cave, lots of sex, and lots of pizza. He chose choice A. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 948

You deserved it 5 139

By Cynical - 30/03/2009 03:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was in my room with the door locked and my mom knocked on the door. I said "don't come in, i'm naked!" She said "That's okay!" so she unlocked the door and walked in. I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 985

You deserved it 37 043

Parenting is exhausting

By ThreeWeeksWithoutSex - 28/12/2015 05:43 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, our daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid-blow job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 221

You deserved it 2 858

By BoobSicle - 17/04/2010 23:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I took a picture of my boobs and sent it to my boyfriend, only to realize after I hit "send" that I had sent them to the taxi driver (my last phone call) who had just dropped me off at my house. He won't stop calling my phone now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 544

You deserved it 57 444

By Anonymous - 16/01/2014 17:57 - United States - Springfield

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 038

You deserved it 13 021

Speed racer

By ZThirteen - 25/10/2009 10:08 - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket. My speedometer got busted a few weeks back, rendering it useless. My father, a former mechanic, decided it's not worth the trouble of going in and fixing it. "Just keep with traffic when you're on the highway; you'll be fine." This $150 fee says otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 117

You deserved it 28 679

By Anon - 13/03/2016 00:13 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. As we waited for our food he took my hand and said, "I think we should break up." When I got outside, my tire was flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 969

You deserved it 1 374

By hypebeast - 28/01/2009 15:00 - United States

Today, I posted on a forum asking if I could be a moderator. Instead, I got banned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 039

You deserved it 32 146

Skincare

By Anonymous - 08/09/2021 05:00 - Germany - Dresden

Today, I have a new scar on my chin, which is still very sensitive to pressure. So, naturally, my body considers this the perfect spot for growing what feels like the world’s biggest pimple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 809

You deserved it 72

By KaraAnn17 - 12/02/2011 16:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from me drooling in my sleep like I originally thought. My roommate used my pillow to help support her lower back during intercourse with her hookup from last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 188

You deserved it 3 512

Stoner Logic

By Anonymous - 07/08/2017 00:30

Spicy

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 171

You deserved it 11 206

By Lola - 08/08/2010 14:32 - United Kingdom

Today, we got new doors fitted. There were new locks on the bathroom, to the reluctance of my mother, who thought one of us would lock ourselves in. "Only an idiot would lock themselves in," I said, and shut the door to demonstrate. I locked myself in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 490

You deserved it 38 014

By LucidNightmare - 27/01/2013 05:38 - United States - Englewood

Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 690

You deserved it 18 664

Shouldn't have worn a thong...

By Shouldn'taWornaThong - 10/02/2018 07:00 - United States - Tempe

Today, while shopping at my local grocery store, a young boy came up behind me and pulled my pants down while snickering. I was so shocked and horrified that I dropped the f-bomb. His mother yelled at me for "ruining his innocence". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 527

You deserved it 285

By ForeverAlone - 20/05/2013 04:47 - United States

Today, I'm planning my big sister's wedding. My long-term, live-in boyfriend walked by and saw me looking at the wedding tab on Pinterest, smirked, and said, "Don't get your hopes up." I had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 087

You deserved it 8 278

Empathy bypass

By Jason - 17/04/2020 02:00 - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my bulimia to my girlfriend of three months. It's a touchy subject for me and I ended up in tears. When I was done talking, I looked up to see my girlfriend's disgusted face. She claimed I had a 'vomit fetish', said I was 'half a man' and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 386

You deserved it 615

By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 373

You deserved it 8 807

Drunken antics

By DevilsTemptation - 29/08/2019 02:01 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, my dad got extremely drunk, so I took away his car keys and left on foot. When I came back, I saw that he had broken down my door. Now my dad is mad at me for not giving him the keys when he was drunk, and I'm door-less. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 689

You deserved it 123

Do not want

By Anonymous - 08/10/2020 08:01 - Europe

Today, I had a chat with a one-night stand and she's decided to keep the child. My life is basically over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 2 552

By its ok to cheat!? - 20/02/2013 21:52 - United States - Brisbane

Today, I got my results on a recent, important midterm. During the exam, I'd noticed my instructor had accidentally left an answers page in the test packet, so being honest, I didn't look at them. It turns out she did it on purpose to help us pass. I failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 653

You deserved it 15 689

By susan - 24/02/2010 01:26 - United States

Today, my husband actually was cleaning our bathrooms. I had to pee and the floor was wet in my upstairs bathroom. My wonderful husband told me to go downstairs. I did and sat on the toilet seat which felt wet. He forgot he had sprayed it with Tilex. Chemical burns on your butt are great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 369

You deserved it 3 278

By neverdateaclosetcase - 17/11/2010 18:16 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to meet his parents over Christmas. I was ecstatic. But there was one condition: I must go dressed as a girl since he hasn't worked up the nerve to come out to his parents yet. We've been dating for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 319

You deserved it 13 493

By hmdge1 - 10/06/2015 03:21 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, I found out that my boss of 2 years not only doesn't know my name, but calls me "Jew hair" behind my back because of my natural ringlets. This man determines all of my career progression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 153

You deserved it 1 864

By Anonymous - 21/01/2016 13:40 - Belgium - Ieper

Today, I realised what kind of man I married when I finally shelved his book, "Getting Things Done", still untouched 3 months after buying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 332

You deserved it 2 643

Gamers rise up

By Bruh. - 12/07/2021 04:01

Today, despite the fact that I've lived alone for four years, and have a well-paid job, my father is still whining about, "Why am I still playing video games at age 32?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 117

Hellworld

By hannahnator - 02/12/2020 07:04 - United States - Racine

Today, it's the first day of our 2-week quarantine. Today, my 3 year-old also discovered Blippi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 681

You deserved it 137

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Victoria16_fml 0

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 8:54

I guess your shit outta luck

music_woman1 11

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 8:53

The worst time for that to happen

Comments

music_woman1 11

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 8:53

The worst time for that to happen

GovernorGeneral 8

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:06

You couldnt take the phone to the washroom? xD 'oh hello boss. I was wa--plop--iting for your ca--plop plop sploosh--ll all day. '

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:09

15 that description was amazing

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:10

Murphies law.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:15

Lol ahhh that's the worst! Id just wipe real quick and bail to the phone! Finish your duty while on the phone

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:40

This fml is a repeat...

GovernorGeneral 8

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:43

So is your face multiplied by 7. :|

GovernorGeneral 8

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:48

But you dont see me telling you your face is a repeat....

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 10:11

21 - yeah murphy is always at work. must be the busiest motherfucker ever

bamagrl410 31

Thursday 19 January 2012 10:32

44 - No kidding. Has the ability to fuck up billions of things across the world all at once. -__-

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 10:56

Upon reading this, I thought of that YouTube video of that woman constantly saying "Sittin' on a toilet!"

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 14:59

Me too! :D

GovernorGeneral 8

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 22:10

uh sorry my #40 reply was to a comment that got deleted...

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 23:02

Hey, at least you didn't shit your..... *sees username* oh shit.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 8:54

You couldn't just call back?

CheckItOutItsYou 7

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:11

Well yea.. But OP still missed the call due to inconvenient circumstances.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:14

I know but idk, was it that big of a deal to wait until after the poop to call back? Or for some reason was OP not allowed to call that person or something. I'm just confused :p

CheckItOutItsYou 7

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:21

OP is just venting, She probably waited really close to the phone for 8 hours and when she had to go to the bathroom BAMM the phone rings while she's helplessly wiping her ass. FHL

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:23

Yeah probably :p

bamagrl410 31

Thursday 19 January 2012 10:29

Also, if the person calling is in the military or participating in something that allows minimal personal time, OP may not be able to call back.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 10:55

It could have been a call about a job interview or something like that. In those circumstances, you can't really call back later I guess :/

charlieohcharlie 12

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 13:15

Some private organisations hide their numbers; in that case you simply can't call back.

Victoria16_fml 0

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 8:54

I guess your shit outta luck

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:38

Hahahahaha classic! I'm guessing it's an Aussie term, cause no one else seems to like that joke besides us :D

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 10:27

How do you know Victoria's an Aussie?

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 12:01

And I guess YOU'RE not very good at spelling.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 13:22

Definitely not an Aussie term. I use it here in America all the time.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 14:30

We use it in Canada too :)

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 16:27

Shouldve said: "You shitted out luck"

Send a private message

Saturday 21 January 2012 3:43

Then why the hell did the comment have -9 at one point...? -_- Amateur thumb-ers...

my3rdgenipodtouc 0

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 8:55

Shit happens.

GovernorGeneral 8

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:08

Theres always one whos brave enough to say a joke thats been overused. Always...

CheckItOutItsYou 7

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:13

Cool story bro

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:17

"Cool story bro?"... People still say that?

death_dolphin24 0

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:33

I used to say "cool story bro" till I took an arrow to the knee.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 10:19

That awkward moment when you realize someone has already overused all your jokes ...

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 11:49

I used to make stupid comments like 28, but then I lost my virginity.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 12:01

Sorry I meant 35.

Colonel_Lexi 18

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 15:41

@35 "I'M SICK OF THESE MUTHA FUCKING ARROWS, IN THESE MUTHA FUCKING KNEES" -Samuel L. Jackson-

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 8:56

Cell phone. Invest in one.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:23

Well thought-out comment, invest in one.

LookOnBrightSide 12

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:24

I'm not sure that would help. OP did not specify whether she was using a home phone or a cell phone. If she had been using her cell phone, there may be sanitary reasons involved in not using while you are going to the bathroom.

mobat 1

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 8:57

I guess you were in a SHITTY situation! Hardy har har! I need to go out more.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 13:37

Or stay in and get better puns ;)

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 20:28

Going out is healthier ... At times

kickuwithmyfist 1

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 8:58

Lol shit happens!

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:00

If it was that important, I'd go that far as to bring the phone with me to the toilet.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 14:08

Lmfao your a genius :D

Send a private message

Friday 27 January 2012 4:15

What if OP has one of those old ahh corded phones?

FirstTigerHobbes 13

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:02

I swear people wait until you're busy to call you!

fattylumptard 1

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 9:03

Well it is a good thing phones are cordless these days so you could answer

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 587

You deserved it 170

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 2 744