Kids: Today, frustrated with my very energetic kids, I told them that...

By pheonixxe - United States - Sheridan

Today, frustrated with my very energetic kids, I told them that if they dug a hole deep enough in the backyard, they'd find China. What they really found was the previous owner's dog. FML

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Kids

And today, on Dr Phil…

Out of it

Sing me to sleep

By apparentlyunsexy - United States

Today, while dancing at my studio, our instructor was giving us all characters opposite of ourselves to portray in an improv solo. My friends got cool things like "creepy" and "vulnerable". I got "extremely sexy". FML

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By wtf did he do - United States - Anchorage

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's office, I looked up at the news on the TV to see my husband's mugshot. FML

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By joedoe - United States

Today, after a night of partying, I woke up in the middle of my co-ed dorm lobby to the sound of giggles. I was in a thong with $1 monopoly bills sticking out. I'm a guy. FML

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By ohcollege - United States

Today, the rain was pouring really hard outside. I found this out when it started raining on me at 4 am inside my dorm room. Thanks college. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 23:01

Drained

Today, after following the directions and drinking a gallon of what can only be described as an industrial strength laxative for a scheduled colonoscopy. I shit my brains out for nearly 12 hours. The hospital then called and canceled my procedure an hour before my arrival time. FML

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By streeted - United States

Today, after selling some furniture and jewelry to make the rent this month, I woke up to find a foreclosure notice. The landlord hasn't paid the mortgage in 6 months, so I'm evicted anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found dried cum in my hair - after being at work for two hours. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, just a day prior to my vacation starting, I learned that my five-day "seasonal fever" is actually due to a blood infection from a bacteria. FML

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So shite

Today, my date left the restaurant because I didn’t agree with his opinions about the mentally disabled or mixed race couples, etc. Basically, a real scumbag. He also left me the bill, and it turned out he had all the most expensive menu items, including a £120 bottle of wine. It cost over £300 total. FML

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By cycler - United States

Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML

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By ithinkimturningjapanese - United States - Apo

Today, I was diagnosed with food poisoning for the third time since moving to this base in Japan. My husband keeps cooking questionable meat and vegetables from the commissary because he thinks the food from a Japanese grocery store is radioactive. FML

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By Arachnaphobe - United States - Bloomington

Today, a large spider climbed inside my lunchbox while my mom was making me sandwiches. She didn't tell me about it until after I got home from school, though, and only because I mentioned a strange aftertaste in the sandwiches. She said she didn't want me to worry over lunch because she knows I hate spiders. FML

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By MissYouPieceOfSkin - United States - Kirkland

Today, I had a nightmare in which I was haunted by the ghost of my foreskin. I then spent the whole day moping around, wondering what my life would've been like if my parents hadn't opted to slice it off. Will I see you in heaven, long-lost ghostly foreskin? FML

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By Darla - United States - Arcadia

Today, I realized that at age 54, I'm no longer young enough to go commando anymore. Every time I sneezed today, I peed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Panic attack

Today, I went to donate blood for the first time. When they stuck the needle in my arm, I had a panic attack and begged that they take it out. The woman helping me told me she'd take it out in a moment and left. It was then that the Red Cross stole a pint of my blood while I had a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a co-worker passed me a note with information about one of our cute, new co-workers I was interested in. Her report? Simple: "Lesbian. Try again. They're EVERYWHERE!" FML

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By Gw - United States

Today, my fiancée and I were going on our honeymoon. Our flight was delayed by two hours. It landed when our connecting flight to St. Lucia was taking off. The airline said they were holding the flight for us, so we sprinted from D gate to A, in time to watch the plane pull away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to follow a diversion route home due to roadworks. It took me an hour longer than usual to get home. Too bad it turns out that the diversion was only for traffic, not people walking. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I saw an elderly woman struggling to reach the top shelf in my local grocery store, so I went over and asked if she needed help. She then accused me of flirting with her and had me escorted from the property. FML

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By oopsididitagain - United States

Today, at the coffee shop where I work, my supervisor smelled "something weird, like sulfur." I spent the next ten minutes pretending to look for the source of the smell with her, rather than admit that it had come from me. FML

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By Jimbo - United States

Today, I came home on leave after a seven month deployment in the middle of the ocean for the Navy. My entire region got hit by the worst flood in recorded history. I need a speedboat to go to the Quick-e-mart. FML

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By the_lameo_geek - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was mugged in a public bathroom. All I had on me was a plastic sheriff's badge, so I gave it to them. They laughed me out of the restroom. FML

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By ihatejasonderulo - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Careless Whisper

Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in the kitchen with my mother putting up the dishes. I went to stand up from putting a pot in a lower cabinet and hit my head on the upper cabinet she left open by accident. Hello concussion number nine. FML

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By unfortunate - United States

Today, I was late to work and couldn't get my gas tank open. Panicking, I asked the only person around to help me who happened to be a very large man. He was able to open it for me and seemed really nice. That is until he pulled out a knife and robbed me. FML

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By mustanggt - United States - Utica

Today, I finished a repair on my trailer. About twenty miles down the road, one of the joints gave out and the whole thing broke on the freeway, scattering lumber and splinters everywhere. The traffic cop called me the worst carpenter in the whole state. FML

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By TheCrossingChick - United States

Today, my boss showed us a small picture of his family on his phone. Jokingly, I commented on how the orange shirt he was wearing reminded me of a big pumpkin. He wasn't wearing an orange shirt. His wife was. FML

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By an egg - United States - Livonia

Today, when I went out to get some groceries with my mother, a small girl came up to me and said I was an "ugly egg" because I'm a bald girl. I had to shave my head in order to have brain surgery to relieve me of the symptoms of my neurological disorder. FML

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By romancocks - United States - Palatka

Today, some girl in the street mistook me for Richard Simmons. FML

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By Airhead - Canada

Today, my guidance counselor told me that I did a really good job playing someone who was really airheaded in my school's play. I wasn't trying to act like an airhead, the director told me that I got cast for the part because the character I was playing was "just like me". FML

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By Firewielder - United States - Midland

Today, I found out the only reason my parents want me to live with them is because of the tax refund. FML

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By gonads

Banana-nana fo-fo-nads

Today, I was playing baseball. My full name is Nadeene, my nickname is Dee, but people have started calling me Nads. Someone yelled out "Go Nads" as I went up to bat. Guess what my new nickname is? FML

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By OopsMonkey - Netherlands

Today, for the 5th day in a row, I had to keep my 7-year-old home from school and search his poop because he "forgot" he's not supposed to swallow things like, in this case, a screw that fell off his scooter. FML

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By hopeless1 - United States

Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar. We talked for a while and really seemed to hit it off. We ended up going to my apartment. He stopped and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time." I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. FML

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By Lindsey - United States

Today, I took my driving test. I had pulled out of my three point turn in a neighborhood and started driving again, thinking something wasn't quite right. The lady testing me looked over at me and said, "Sweetie, you're driving on the wrong side of the road." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I were in the middle of a heavy make-out session when his cell rang. Normally, he'd ignore it. This time however he pushed me off of him and said "Shit! It's probably my girlfriend!" I thought I was his girlfriend. FML

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By ozzy - United States - Campbell

Today, was trying to have an adult conversation with my fiancée but she's always on her phone, so I sent her a text message instead. Relationship goals. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while in a hotel, I left the room to get some ice. Since my parents left the door wedged open, I didn't worry about trying to find the room number. Without thinking, I walked in to another room that was also wedged open. Yes, there were people in it, and yes, they were both naked and hairy. FML

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By - France

Today, my girlfriend left a message on my phone. It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my housemate got back at me for asking for her share of a bill by losing her virginity to the guy I like, very loudly. FML

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Top comments

By shaar_fml | 33

#6308262 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 12:47

Close enough.

By mexican_music | 13

#6308263 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 12:47

well duh

COMMENTS

By shaar_fml | 33

#6308262 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 12:47

Close enough.

theKevmeister | 13

#6308564 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 19:20

. . .leftover Chinese

Jonkbaby | 20

#6309194 - Wednesday 3 June 2015 10:10

was the dog ok doe.

xx000o | 27

#6309238 - Wednesday 3 June 2015 12:17

At least they were going the right way.

By mexican_music | 13

#6308263 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 12:47

well duh

DFMLharsh | 20

#6308338 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 13:55

^ the force is strong with this one.

By Exaspera | 54

#6308265 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 12:47

Mommy, we have a surprise for you!

By EclipseCandy6 | 24

#6308267 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 12:48

Aw that's awful :(

ScarredVox92 | 16

#6308473 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 17:44

Talk about traumatized children.

Hoopachi | 19

#6308503 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 18:16

Why is this downvoted? I'm pretty sure you guys wouldn't feel happy if you found the previous's owners dead dog whilst looking for China.

By Thoricsteam20 | 24

#6308270 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 12:50

Poor kids though.

By ringaringaring | 16

#6308274 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 12:53

Dug.
And poor kids D:

coldasfire | 23

#6309011 - Wednesday 3 June 2015 5:53

what...?

By hasooon | 24

#6308275 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 12:54

Was he from china?

extrasnipes | 22

#6308287 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 13:03

Or was his/her name China?

By Liamj774 | 36

#6308277 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 12:56

At least your kids now know they're a delicacy in China.

By sexymomo1234 | 20

#6308278 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 12:57

Keep digging! Might find a dinosaur!

Calacor | 17

#6308409 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 16:32

this needs more likes^

igive | 29

#6308524 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 18:42

Don't tell me what to do!

EarlFug | 19

#6308688 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 21:56

Or Jimmy Hoffa

By amileah13 | 26

#6308279 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 13:00

Well that escalated quickly.

thesmeagol | 22

#6308609 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 20:03

That excavated quickly.

zaidthunder1 | 27

#6308961 - Wednesday 3 June 2015 4:01

They descended too quickly.