Today, for my boyfriends 21st birthday, I wore sexy lingerie,... - FML

By Nosexytime - 14/1/2010 15:56 - United States

Today, for my boyfriends 21st birthday, I wore sexy lingerie, put on a naughty librarian outfit and did a strip tease for him. He just laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25470

You deserved it

5313

Tweet

Share

Everyone's an expert

Nice neighborhood

Headache

By why they bomb - 9/3/2015 06:01 - Canada - Campbell River

Today, feeling in need of a self-esteem boost, I took what I thought was a good selfie and I put it on Facebook. Out of 500 friends, the only response I got was a picture of Saddam Hussein with the caption, "This is why I bomb people." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31803

You deserved it

7769

Tweet

Share

By failed brood mare - 17/11/2013 17:46 - United States - Hollywood

Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64426

You deserved it

3093

Tweet

Share

By mikmak - 20/12/2015 13:26 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I had fallen asleep in the back of a friend's car on the way home from a night out. When I woke up, they were in the middle of a full-on make out session. I had to pretend to be asleep for 20 minutes until they decided to "wake me up". FML

I agree, your life sucks

20445

You deserved it

3079

Tweet

Share

By Toolate - 21/12/2016 12:26

Today, after having gone off the pill a couple of weeks ago, I finally got my old friskiness back only to find part of a condom wrapper in my husband's pocket. Turns out he was impatient and went elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13471

You deserved it

1282

Tweet

Share

By Dog_Lover - 18/12/2012 15:30 - Canada - Montreal

Today, a friend informed me that my dog's name means "penis" in Greek. I live in a predominantly Greek neighbourhood, and apparently I've been screaming for "dong" every evening for the past 3 years. No wonder they don't talk to me much. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35600

You deserved it

9654

Tweet

Share

By superdrinkingbud - 23/6/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, after having diarrhoea all week, my girlfriend dragged me to London. Expecting to not be able to find a toilet, I decided to fast for the day. We spent 3 hours wandering the food stalls of Camden market with her friends. So many free samples I had to refuse… FML

I agree, your life sucks

3895

You deserved it

567

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/7/2015 15:40 - Canada - Port-menier

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42467

You deserved it

2171

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/11/2017 15:00

Today, my husband accused me of cheating on him and demanded to look through my phone. When he found nothing, he admitted to having his first gay experience this weekend and just wanting something to “even the field” before telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7244

You deserved it

405

Tweet

Share

By hannieannie - 9/2/2016 21:51 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, my boyfriend said he was too tired to have sex with me because he'd spent the whole day jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25223

You deserved it

3082

Tweet

Share

By stupidrobot - 3/9/2015 20:14 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to complete a simple math problem to submit a web form in order to show that I wasn't a spam robot. I got it wrong. I'm officially too bad at arithmetic to prove I'm human. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21266

You deserved it

8264

Tweet

Share

By dahlia87 - 14/12/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I got an email from the Law School Admissions Council saying that they received my request for my LSAT cancellation and they are confirming that it has been cancelled. The email also said the score will not be reinstated for any reason. I never requested for my score to be cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32810

You deserved it

2137

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/7/2012 08:57 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, I was convinced I hadn't locked up properly when leaving work, and almost had a panic attack at the train station. I went all the way back into work, to find I had in fact locked up properly. It made me nearly two hours late home. This isn't the first time I've done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21602

You deserved it

9383

Tweet

Share

By CivE - 25/1/2010 13:32 - United States

Today, I started work as the head engineer for a big civil engineering project. I met the rest of my team, in particular the environmental engineer who I'll need to get along with the most. As it turns out, I took her virginity when we were freshmen in college. She still thinks I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13941

You deserved it

37996

Tweet

Share

By crap car - 30/3/2016 01:13 - United States - Golden

Today, a friend was making fun of our teacher's car, calling it dorkmobile and saying only idiots would own that car. It's the same as the car I just bought. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17923

You deserved it

1817

Tweet

Share

By butterbody - 23/3/2014 23:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a coffee shop. As I headed over to stand in line, I tripped over my own feet. I got back up, then tripped up yet again. Everyone was staring, and I was so mortified that I went to leave. I then struggled with the door under their glares before realising it opened the other way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44840

You deserved it

6760

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/4/2019 20:00

Today, I dreamt I had a secret admirer whom I met in person. She had red hair, a plus size body and a beautiful smile. This would've been great if it weren't for the fact I was a straight woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1625

You deserved it

321

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 12:08 - Australia

Today, I slept over at my boyfriend's house and he offered to give me a massage, as he'd found a book on sensual massage and wanted to test it out on me. When he went to the bathroom, I found the book open on his desk- at "Massage to eliminate cellulite". FML

I agree, your life sucks

68974

You deserved it

7713

Tweet

Share

By eddie818 - 10/6/2012 07:54 - Canada - Sidney

Today, I drove my drunk sister home after a wild night of partying. She did not go to bed as I expected; instead, she laid in the bathtub and cried every time I left her. Now it's 3AM, and she's using her bra as a lasso for various objects in the room. The best part is I work in 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30095

You deserved it

3147

Tweet

Share

By shbaxter - 16/3/2020 06:00

That's nuts

Today, I finally got my car back after it was in the auto shop for a week. On my way home, I started swerving all over the road. It turns out they didn't tighten the lug nuts on one of my wheels properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1443

You deserved it

86

Tweet

Share

By Lio - 12/11/2008 05:25 - France

Today, thinking I was being very generous, I lent my jacket to my new co-worker. I guess I should have checked my pockets before I did, I’m not sure that leaving 3 different flavors of condoms in them made a good impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21022

You deserved it

41672

Tweet

Share

By LifeLikeLemons - 14/11/2016 23:51 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got rear-ended trying to move off the road because I heard a police siren. It was the radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8371

You deserved it

2427

Tweet

Share

By peteswentzbass - 26/1/2013 17:18 - Netherlands - Nuenen

Today, my roommate and I noticed a foul smell in our apartment. After looking around for a little while, I found that her cat had pooped on a pair of my jeans, and apparently tried to cover it up by dragging a shirt over the mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28883

You deserved it

3385

Tweet

Share

By AHole - 21/11/2012 14:03 - United States - Grand Forks

Today, the car in front of me in the drop-off area at my son's school parked, and the driver got out. I basically leaned on my horn and gave her every dirty look in the book. She said nothing but stared at me as she opened the back of her van to unload her child's wheelchair. I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10784

You deserved it

75375

Tweet

Share

By nerdlette - 15/3/2014 19:34 - United States - Newport News

Today, I was feeling really down and insecure after a friend joked about how small my boobs are. When my grandma got me to tell her what happened, she reassured me that all the girls in our family were late bloomers. I said "Really?" and she replied, "Oh no dear. Quite the opposite." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39002

You deserved it

3995

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/3/2014 21:02 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, four days after making a $100 bet with my balding, pedo-stache wearing dad over who could get a girlfriend first, he came home and introduced me to his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41797

You deserved it

11565

Tweet

Share

By robotzzz - 20/2/2009 14:12 - France

Today, I asked a co-worker out for a drink. She said yes, then my older brother who was visiting decided to come behind me and pull down my pants in front of the office. Then she said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49553

You deserved it

3290

Tweet

Share

By Achoo - 15/10/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I was making out with a guy I really like. Midway through, he stopped and said he had to sneeze. After waiting several seconds, he said the urge went away and we kept making out. Ten seconds later, he violently sneezed in my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38766

You deserved it

5097

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 09:50 - United States - Southerly North Slope Bo

Today, I tried proving to my best friend that I wasn't a lesbian by telling her I once liked her brother. She was mad because I never told her and now she's calling him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41970

You deserved it

6313

Tweet

Share

By parisklutz - 20/10/2012 07:06 - France - Dounoux

Today, it was my first day in Paris. I've been saving up for five years. It was a rainy day, but I was determined to go see the Eiffel Tower. On my way, I fell down a slippery set of stairs and knocked both of my front teeth out. Now, I have the view of the Eiffel Tower from my hospital window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31246

You deserved it

3234

Tweet

Share

By spiderbaby - 6/10/2015 19:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I opened a window that had been shut for a couple of months. As soon as I did, dozens of tiny baby spiders blew in with the breeze, and dispersed in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26393

You deserved it

2503

Tweet

Share

By Bad Cat - 29/5/2019 14:00

Today, I saw my cat playing in the other room. Fascinated, I watched him for a few minutes before I realized he was playing with one of my daughter's fish. Well, what was left of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1647

You deserved it

164

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/11/2010 06:02 - United States

Today, I saw an elderly woman in need of help of crossing a street. I helped her across. On the way she just about fell and held onto me to keep from hitting the ground. After she left on her bus I reached for my wallet. It was gone. I had just been robbed by a 70 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34596

You deserved it

4065

Tweet

Share

By sammy77sam - 15/7/2013 13:41 - Saint Kitts and Nevis - Basseterre

Today, I told my girlfriend about my extreme fear of flying roaches. She immediately got upset because she thought, since I'm from the Caribbean, I would be "manlier" and "eat stuff like that for breakfast". FML

I agree, your life sucks

47538

You deserved it

4928

Tweet

Share

By whoneedsdumbcars - 14/8/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, at a restaurant, I noticed a really hot girl leaving with her friend. A few minutes later they came back, laughing uncontrollably, and announced that some moron forgot to put on their parking brake and the car was rolling into the full parking lot. It was my car. They watched me chase it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17317

You deserved it

39586

Tweet

Share

By cc13799 - 28/5/2014 00:13 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my allergies are so bad that it's affected the way my voice sounds. It's so bad my mom has taken to calling me Aflac because I sound like the duck in the commercials. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42407

You deserved it

4363

Tweet

Share

By hannamacintosh - 28/6/2016 17:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I knew my relationship was basically over when my boyfriend invited me over, and I was more excited about seeing his dog than seeing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10620

You deserved it

1550

Tweet

Share

By a - 12/2/2010 06:20 - United States

Today, I walked across my kitchen to go get my mom a blanket after she shoveled snow. I slipped and caught the kitchen chair with my side, landed on the floor and almost fracturing my knee cap. She then told me she wasn't cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23588

You deserved it

4189

Tweet

Share

By greg - 14/2/2018 01:30

Today, my mother sued me for whiplash in a car accident that was her fault. She screamed to stop so I slammed on the brakes and the car behind ran into us. It wasn't an emergency; she just thought she saw her friend at the bus stop. It wasn't even her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5354

You deserved it

362

Tweet

Share

By Boulette - 23/6/2014 05:44 - France - Dammartin-en-go?le

Today, I was on vacation, when a very cute guy starting talking to me and asked me what my name was. Overwhelmed and stressed out, I blurted out that I didn't have one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50822

You deserved it

12618

Tweet

Share

By PeepShow - 6/8/2009 06:04 - United States

Today, it was just too hot. I stripped down and, being home alone, pranced around nude, lip synching and playing air guitar to some music. I was getting really into when I opened my eyes and looked out the window to see an old man with binoculars on his terrace. He wasn't birdwatching. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24184

You deserved it

46925

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By AliceC_fml | 3

#774268 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:21

Well maybe he didn't know what else to do. Maybe he was nervous and a little intimidated that his gf is confident enough to strip down in front of him.

By cgysoccerfreak | 0

#966657 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 6:58

no one cares that your first fuck nut

Comments

By Thefog | 0

#774242 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:14

first!

Reply

cgysoccerfreak | 0

#966657 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 6:58

no one cares that your first fuck nut

Reply

dakotalesmercy | 6

#994770 - Saturday 15 May 2010 23:38

fail

Reply

SokDek | 14

#1053203 - Friday 2 July 2010 3:52

comment moderated.

Reply

ejdelacruz | 3

#3104374 - Sunday 14 August 2011 3:09

Lol 'fuck nut' that's funny.

By psgirl92 | 0

#774245 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:14

poor thing

By durtysanch | 0

#774246 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:15

ouch...I guess that's not sexy enough haha

Reply

gunnar7240 | 0

#1023845 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 10:30

That would be awesome.

By BlueTwist89 | 0

#774249 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:16

aw.

By cremesar | 0

#774259 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:19

umm... fuck him then.. learn to appreciate

Reply

adropofpeace | 8

#2368506 - Monday 18 April 2011 20:23

No pun intended though, right?

Reply

keven501 | 12

#4837597 - Monday 20 August 2012 8:21

If he doesn't want it I'll take it

By duck2121 | 0

#774265 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:20

Dat sucks

By onnielief | 4

#774267 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:20

His loss, leave him and find someone more appreciative

By AliceC_fml | 3

#774268 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:21

Well maybe he didn't know what else to do. Maybe he was nervous and a little intimidated that his gf is confident enough to strip down in front of him.

Reply

Jester epic_151 | 11

#7613692 - Tuesday 20 March 2018 23:37

*bf, do people never look at the icons?

By Beagle96 | 0

#774272 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:21

it sucks that he didn't appreciate that one a side less harmful note. I would love that :) don't lose your creativity because he laughed

By Epitome1337 | 0

#774291 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:26

Maybe you're just ugly as hell >.>