Intimacy: Today, for my boyfriends 21st birthday, I wore sexy lingerie,... - FML

By Nosexytime - United States

Today, for my boyfriends 21st birthday, I wore sexy lingerie, put on a naughty librarian outfit and did a strip tease for him. He just laughed. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Own it

Nepotism rules

By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband half-naked and yelling at the TV screen over a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML

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By thatwasmiz - United States

Today, I was at a gay bar and asking a really convincing drag queen about her daily routine. I asked how she tucked her penis in. She responded, "Um, I'm a woman." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, are you pre-op or post-op?" She said, "No, I always have been and always will be a woman, asshole." FML

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By Kitten

Today, my sister smashed a cup on my head because I told her she couldn't borrow one of my necklaces since she lost one and stole another. I was grounded for "antagonizing" her into doing it. FML

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By Moondoggie_ggk69 - United States

Today, I was washing my hair in the shower when the water went ice cold. It's 20 degrees outside and we have soft water which takes a longer time to wash away soap. FML

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By HomeAlone - United States

Today, I went into the bathroom and got angry upon finding that once again, no one had bothered to put on a new roll of toilet paper. And then I remembered that I live alone. FML

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By A - United States - Warner Robins

Today, my neighbor's dog decided to knock over our trash cans, which were full of my bathroom trash. I had to pick up tampon and maxi pad wrappers from all over the neighborhood. FML

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By Flip - France

Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML

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By AuntSucka - United States

Today, I let my nephew and his friend spend the night to watch movies. After I fell asleep they stole my liquor and went roaming. When they saw the cop car in front of my house and realized they were busted, they went up to the cop and told them I gave them the alcohol to avoid being grounded. FML

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By NoMoreMeatForAYear - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out that just because my roommate doesn't buy alcohol, it doesn't mean she isn't stealing mine and slowly replacing it with water. That bottle cost me $150 and was destined to be a present for my best friend, whom I haven't seen in years. FML

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By Lonely

Today, I sent a question in a newspaper self-help column about how I often feel ignored. I quickly received a note advising me to not feel ignored, but due to the volume of questions, I would likely not receive a response. FML

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By NoLife - United States

Today, I purposely went offline on Facebook chat, just so people would think I actually have a life. FML

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By musicteacher - United States - Bethania

Today, I've managed to go my whole nine-year teaching career without anyone vomiting in my classroom. That record was broken today when someone vomited four successive times in front of a class of 46 students. It was me. FML

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By GnatEater

Kinky.

Today, I made a horrific discovery; the months-long gnat epidemic in my spotlessly clean home has been emanating from my coffee pot. They've been procreating inside it all this time. I use it every day. FML

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By Furbabies - 10/5/2021 06:01 - Canada

What a wuss

Today, a few few friends, along with my long-time crush of mine came over to my house so we could finish a school project. As soon as he stepped into my house, he went pale, turned heel, and refused to step foot in my house. Why? Because the bison taxidermy above my fireplace scares him. FML

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By driven_crazy - United States - Newark

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

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By stillsingleladies - United States

Today, my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too. FML

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By Cheater_Cheater_Pumpkin_Eater - United States

Today, my best friend became my ex-best friend. I have finally gotten over the guy she stole from me a year ago and have developed a crush on another guy. My best friend called me today to tell me that she broke up with the first guy and is now going out with my current crush. FML

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By help - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I finally got a restraining order against my violent ex. My mom now keeps finding ways to tell me how shitty I am for breaking the "poor boy's" heart and how I didn't deserve him anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's pre-school. Apparently, she is being suspended, for answering; "What do your parents do at home?" She told them, "My parents fuck." FML

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By OverweightTeen - Canada

Today, I added some of my own money to the tip jar in the Subway I work at to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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By sweet92 - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy pants for a new job. A really hot guy helped me get a pair down from a high shelf so I could try them on. He had flirted with me so I hurried in the fitting room so I could go talk to him. Note to self: Check to see if you have pants on after trying on clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I've been in love with for a long while got back together with her ex boyfriend because he had confessed his true feelings to her through a note in her locker. It was my note. FML

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By policeopenup - United States

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML

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By Anon - Singapore

Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of Warcraft money. FML

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By misunderstood - Australia

Today, after having a fight with my boyfriend, we had what I thought to be the best make-up sex, because he seemed so happy and upbeat. Turns out he misunderstood. He was happy because he thought it was break-up sex. FML

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By ted_the_interpreter - 22/11/2020 05:03 - United States - Corona

Masked Singer

Today, I was in a video conference with my coworkers. They started arguing so much that I decided to turn off my video and started chanting ,"Let it be over, let it be over... Let me go!" The boss finally stoped everybody to comment, "We can hear you." I hadn't turned my mic off. FML

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By BrittUnicorn - United States - Morristown

Today, I was having a dream about Chris Pratt. Instead of having a sexy dream that I would have enjoyed, I dreamt he was a supervisor at my work. He kept telling me how much I sucked. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend and I were at a park, alone, late at night. Things were getting kind of heavy and he started undressing me, when we heard a loud "Hey!" and a flashlight coming through the bushes. My boyfriend then decided to ditch me, while still holding my shirt and bra. FML

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By German;)

Street art

Today, I came outside to see someone had written on my car, "I love your hairy butt, pubes, and fat girlfriend!" multiple times. I wouldn't have been bothered if all those things weren't true. FML

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By ashamed father - Canada - Brampton

Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML

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By SJDAOisdjlkSADlksda - United States

Today, I witnessed my sister use some ice cubes on her blistered toes, then quietly return them to the tray in the fridge. I've been putting ice from there into my drinks for weeks. FML

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By Pika

Today, in the midst of an interview, I was asked what my best qualities are. I panicked and quickly responded that I can make a great Pikachu impression. They wanted to hear it. FML

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By catstew - United States

Today, my mother's beloved cat died and we thought it would be nice to bury it in the back yard. I came home from work and while walking to the door saw that the cat had been dug up and partially eaten by the local raccoons and strays. FML

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By Incompetent - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, my boss admitted that he seriously regrets hiring me, but can't really do anything about it because that would make the senior management question his judgment, making him look bad. So he's just 'putting up' with me. FML

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By A_W

Today, in desperate need of cash to get me by until payday, I decided to pawn one of my nicer possessions, a Coach purse. Today, I learned that counterfeiters are getting a lot better at their profession. Now I have no money AND a fake purse. FML

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By Kristen Duncan - United States - Spokane

Today, I just drank a sip of beer and felt something so I spit it out... It was an earwig. FML

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By Losamus

Nice first impression.

Today, I didn't know I had a pill stuck in my throat until I coughed and it flew across the table, narrowly missing the weird guy sitting across from me in the break room. Turns out that weird guy is my new supervisor. FML

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By Brittany - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were kissing. Halfway through the kiss, he rubs his tongue along all my teeth and says, "You need to brush your teeth." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML

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By Username - United States

Today, our AC broke. It's 98 degrees inside the house. My parents will be staying at a 5 star resort until the repairman can come to fix the unit in 6 days. They made me stay home to make sure the plants survive. FML

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Top comments

By AliceC_fml | 3

#774268 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:21

Well maybe he didn't know what else to do. Maybe he was nervous and a little intimidated that his gf is confident enough to strip down in front of him.

By cgysoccerfreak | 0

#966657 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 6:58

no one cares that your first fuck nut

COMMENTS

By Thefog | 0

#774242 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:14

first!

Reply

cgysoccerfreak | 0

#966657 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 6:58

no one cares that your first fuck nut

Reply

dakotalesmercy | 6

#994770 - Saturday 15 May 2010 23:38

fail

Reply

SokDek | 14

#1053203 - Friday 2 July 2010 3:52

comment moderated.

Reply

ejdelacruz | 3

#3104374 - Sunday 14 August 2011 3:09

Lol 'fuck nut' that's funny.

By psgirl92 | 0

#774245 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:14

poor thing

By durtysanch | 0

#774246 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:15

ouch...I guess that's not sexy enough haha

Reply

gunnar7240 | 0

#1023845 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 10:30

That would be awesome.

By BlueTwist89 | 0

#774249 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:16

aw.

By cremesar | 0

#774259 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:19

umm... fuck him then.. learn to appreciate

Reply

adropofpeace | 8

#2368506 - Monday 18 April 2011 20:23

No pun intended though, right?

Reply

keven501 | 12

#4837597 - Monday 20 August 2012 8:21

If he doesn't want it I'll take it

By duck2121 | 0

#774265 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:20

Dat sucks

By onnielief | 4

#774267 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:20

His loss, leave him and find someone more appreciative

By AliceC_fml | 3

#774268 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:21

Well maybe he didn't know what else to do. Maybe he was nervous and a little intimidated that his gf is confident enough to strip down in front of him.

Reply

Jester epic_151 | 11

#7613692 - Tuesday 20 March 2018 23:37

*bf, do people never look at the icons?

By Beagle96 | 0

#774272 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:21

it sucks that he didn't appreciate that one a side less harmful note. I would love that :) don't lose your creativity because he laughed

By Epitome1337 | 0

#774291 - Thursday 14 January 2010 20:26

Maybe you're just ugly as hell >.>