Intimacy: Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I... - FML

By shmoooopie - United States - Medina

Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I thought it was sweet until I noticed they were all conditional. For example; "Give your boyfriend a blowjob and he'll give you a 10 minute back massage!". They're all like that and he's mad because I refuse to use them. FML

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Understandable

Commando

BO Central

By Anonymous - United States - Madison

Today, I was at the bar. A man started to hit on me. He claims to have a fetish for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 17:01

Shocking

Today, I tried to hang up a light and, in my clumsiness, got shocked. My dad started screaming at me for yelling out. FML

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By CUCKOO - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind date. The girl seemed perfect for me, until I found out she says "lol" and "rofl" out loud whenever she laughs. She also believes sex screws with people's "spiritual energy", and that's why she'll never have it. FML

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By loveless - Australia

Today, I realised that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound. Oh, and I'm married. FML

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By Lordofdance

Today, the only way my newborn sleeps is if I dance around with him strapped to me. Six hours and counting. FML

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By ilovekids? - United States - Commack

Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML

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By Winx - United States

Today, my dad informed me that my prom dress makes me look chubby from the side, gives me "back fat", and that I wouldn't want to go to prom looking like that. I tried to ignore his hurtful comments and tell myself I was beautiful. Then the clasp broke. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML

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By notyourmom - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend asked if I could grow out my pubic hair since I usually wax it. He said his mom has a full bush and he always thought it looks better that way. FML

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By noname - Canada

Today, I discovered that if I put my ankles on my boyfriends shoulders while we are having sex, I will pee myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML

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By Scared - United States

Today, when I opened the door to my room at night, I saw this big menacing thing staring right at me. I gasped and my heart started racing. I apprehensively turned on the lights, and I realized that it was the semi-deflated Spongebob balloon that has been in my room for weeks. FML

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By BarryShitpeas - United Kingdom - Cranbrook

Today, my enjoyment of popping bubble wrap was yet again ruined by my excessive OCD tendencies. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 11:01

Compassion, brah

Today, I finally told my brother that I was being sexually harassed at work. I'm 22 and my brother is 41, and he literally told me that I don't even know what sexual harassment is, and then laughed in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 08:03

Planned assault

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be wise to joke that we needed to postpone our reunion for another week. We haven't seen each other for almost 4 months, due to events out of our control. He thinks he's funny. He'll get punched when we do see each other again. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2021 08:01

Bougie

Today, I went to the Louis Vuitton store to repair the broken handle on my handbag. Upon review, they told me that my handbag was not an authentic Louis Vuitton. I essentially paid $1600 for a fake that I can no longer use. FML

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By 1D-107 - United States - Logan

Today, I was babysitting three kids, one of whom was particularly difficult to control. While trying to get him to behave, the two girls came up behind me and pulled my pants down. In front of a huge window open to the street below. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got hypnotized in front of my entire school. Once I was hypnotized the guy told me that the hottest celebrity in the world was in the audience and then he told me to point out who I saw. I said I saw Mick Jagger. I'm a guy. FML

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By sonofmilf - United States

Today, I was working at a grocery store when a couple of my co-workers called a code pink in aisle 22, which means there was an attractive woman in that aisle. After hearing about how hot she was, I went over to see her for myself. It was my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I stole a pen from the doctor's office while she wasn't looking. Later on at work, I idly pulled the pen out during a meeting. My colleague looked at me, horrified. The pen had the words "minimally invasive gynecological surgery" emblazoned on it. I'm a man. FML

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By gamer tag ID not recognised

Today, my husband is adamant he is not a cheater because "it only counts as cheating if you have sex with other women for free" so apparently 20-year-old male prostitutes don't count because they're not women and they cost money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Butler

Today, after working the night shift, I accidentally left my iPod at the office. I woke up later and went on Facebook. To my dismay, I saw some coworker had posted stuff on my wall, such as, "I really have to take a shit!" and "Yes, my tits are real!" FML

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By workerbee

Today, because of a miscommunication with my boss, the furniture I was renting during my summer job was taken back by the movers. I still have a week of work left and nothing to eat with, and nothing to sit or sleep on. FML

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By wiifantcso - United States - Sturtevant

Today, my sister was upset because she felt like no one liked her. Without thinking, I replied, "It's okay. If I acted like you, people would probably hate me, too." This sounded sympathetic in my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt... into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML

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By alyssabree42 - United States - Estacada

Today, I learned that when you hear a bump in the night, it's best not to check your parents' room. Some things cannot be unseen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the job I've had for eight years, I finally got the raise I was supposed to get a year ago. One hour later I found out the store was closing and we were all out of a job in two weeks. FML

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By phantomthelabrat - United States - Fargo

Today, I was assigned to be the one to teach Grandpa how to use his new smartphone. An hour in, and we're still going over volume controls. FML

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By Anonymous

Seize the means of production!

Today, there was a gas leak at work. We called the fire department, who advised us to evacuate the building. We called our manager to let her know, and her response was "Oh, don’t do that." My boss would rather let us die of carbon monoxide exposure than lose out on 3 hours of work. FML

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By mikmak - United States - Charlotte

Today, I had fallen asleep in the back of a friend's car on the way home from a night out. When I woke up, they were in the middle of a full-on make out session. I had to pretend to be asleep for 20 minutes until they decided to "wake me up". FML

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By lanikai610 - United States

Today, there was no toilet paper left, so I asked my grandmother if I could use her Kleenex tissues. I found out too late that they were Vicks vapor rub tissues. My crotch has been burning for the last half hour. FML

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By RectalSteve - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

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By shouldbehappyiguess - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, a coworker complimented me on losing weight, and said that she wished she could drop a few pounds too. I was too embarrassed to tell her that the only reason I've lost weight is because I haven't been able to afford to eat. FML

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By yourstruly - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of someone having sex in the room next to me. I don't have a roommate. Turns out my mom thought I was out of town and used her extra key to bring a guy over for sex. FML

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By Anonymous

So painful

Today, my sister caught me bent over trying to trim my pubic hairs. She took a photo of my spread ass as a joke and scared me so bad, I cut my clitoris. Currently in hospital hopped up on the really good morphine for the excruciating pain. Oh, and the stitches, God, I can't forget the stitches. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I spent nearly an hour thawing out my car and driving to work in this stupid freezing rain, only to find out that I'm now unemployed due to budget cuts. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, it took me 5 hours to paint my deck, only to have it ruined by the neighbor's cat running all over the undry paint. FML

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By Alaska - United States

Today, I was taking a poop when I heard a window in my house break. Then, I heard things dropping upstairs. I decided to stay in the bathroom, which has a lock, and called the cops. Turns out it was just a bird that was trying to get at my fish in the fish tank that I have in my room. FML

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By Joey - Canada

Today, while DJing at a jumpin' wedding reception, my speaker system conked out. I hadn't brought any backup equipment, and 500 guests had the unfortunate luxury of dancing to the sounds of a portable CD player someone brought in from their car. FML

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By expassword - United States

Today, I asked my wife for her computer password because my computer crashed. After minutes of begging she finally told me. Turns out that her password happens to be her ex's name. FML

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Top comments

By 604 | 11

#6304507 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:35

If he asks why you're not using them, tell him you already did; they were accepted by a competitor for double the value.

By queenofirony | 12

#6304504 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:35

Give him a coupon for one sleep on the couch.

COMMENTS

By ihavenolifehaha | 16

#6304503 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:34

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Ms_ValS | 27

#6304513 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:39

Because those are way bigger treats for him and he considers this a birthday present for her.

Reply

jazzy_123 | 20

#6304523 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:45

because he's thinking mostly of himself. "a massage for a blow job" heck no! and plus, it's not like she owes him a blow job. Just in case you didn't know, we ARE allowed to refuse to give any and they better respect it.

Reply

ihavenolifehaha | 16

#6304525 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:46

Yeah, I kinda regret writing that comment. It's late and I just now realize it was pretty dumb. Lol...

Reply

aureshion | 5

#6304595 - Friday 29 May 2015 11:27

@damnitstrue
I agree. my girlfriend should never feel forced to give me anything of sexual persuasion. if she feels like giving me a blowjob for whatever reason she can do so. but I would never demand something like that as a favor. especially if its her birthday

Reply

itsallokaynow | 6

#6304984 - Friday 29 May 2015 22:13

I actually really like that you came forward and apologized. Props to you

Reply

mikey7 | 13

#6307444 - Monday 1 June 2015 15:06

What if the guy is a professional

Reply

Noela Abney | 5

#7847798 - Tuesday 1 October 2019 21:58

because the coupons are all about him DUH. what a shitty birthday gift

By queenofirony | 12

#6304504 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:35

Give him a coupon for one sleep on the couch.

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6305243 - Saturday 30 May 2015 4:39

And even better, it'll be a buy one get another free!

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6304505 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:35

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

clumsylobster | 17

#6304527 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:48

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

fakedsincerity | 32

#6304530 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:53

Ah yes. Comparing people to Hitler. Inappropriate and nonsensical.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6304541 - Friday 29 May 2015 10:01

Don't forget unoriginal.

Reply

Zebediabolical | 39

#6304750 - Friday 29 May 2015 17:52

Say what you want about Hitler. At least he killed Hitler. AND the dude who killed Hitler.

Reply

maemismile | 22

#6304911 - Friday 29 May 2015 20:05

Why yes, you can blame the guy for trying. Asshole...

By Ms_ValS | 27

#6304506 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:35

Wow you got yourself a jackass OP!

Reply

DFMLharsh | 20

#6304522 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:45

A man tried.

- Valar Dohaeris

Reply

mezochan | 29

#6304712 - Friday 29 May 2015 16:23

A man is an idiot.

-Me

By 604 | 11

#6304507 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:35

If he asks why you're not using them, tell him you already did; they were accepted by a competitor for double the value.

Reply

Polynomial | 28

#6304649 - Friday 29 May 2015 13:35

You win.

Reply

604 | 11

#6305852 - Saturday 30 May 2015 22:21

Hooray!

By adrian_robber2 | 7

#6304510 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:37

Edit

By hunterluv1 | 20

#6304511 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:38

how inconsiderate. you would think it being your birthday he would be a little less selfish.

Reply

Purexinsanity | 46

#6304697 - Friday 29 May 2015 15:34

#12 that's probably because they benefit him just as much if not more than they benefit her.

By adrian_robber2 | 7

#6304512 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:38

Tell him they have expired already

By igg125 | 30

#6304519 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:43

Looks like he gave himself your present

By Bricktothehead | 21

#6304524 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:45

Get the leaf blower.