Intimacy: Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I... - FML

By shmoooopie - United States - Medina

Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I thought it was sweet until I noticed they were all conditional. For example; "Give your boyfriend a blowjob and he'll give you a 10 minute back massage!". They're all like that and he's mad because I refuse to use them. FML

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Out of it

The ole answer/forward conundrum

Healthy relationship

By whiskynexttimeplease - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, my husband kindly offered to take me on a brewery tour. Turned out the brewery is owned by his ex-girlfriend and there was no tour after all. Just me standing awkwardly for 25 minutes while he chatted to her about her family and stuff they used to do together. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, as a restaurant hostess, I fell into the fountain at work while carrying a high chair in front of several large parties, who all promptly laughed at me. We were so busy, I had to stay and finish my shift soaking wet. FML

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By pissedandcomputerless - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

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By extrashiftwhoo - Australia - Preston

Today, I really didn't want to go to work. Still, I showed up for work early on the busiest night of the week and stayed back until past 10 p.m. Exhausted, I went to sign off the roster when I realised that, in fact, I was not rostered on for today at all. I'm on tomorrow, though. FML

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By biker2012 - United States

Today, there was a parents bike race on the track at my high school for a fundraiser. My dad entered, and ended up winning. He did his victory dance with a massive erection showing through his spandex. Just about all of my friends, teachers, other parents, and the hot soccer team saw. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to deal with a snobby rich woman who asked me to cure her daughter's "unhealthy obsession" with playing outside instead of watching TV with the rest of the family. She called me a liar when I said playing outside is a normal thing for a 6 year-old child to do. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad texted me, saying "My dicks so hard 4 u". I'm desperately hoping he meant to send that to his girlfriend instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at QuickTrip. As I was leaving, I passed a woman who was saying "stay" very sternly through her open driver's side door. I smiled as I passed, saying "Your dog wants to follow you huh? I've been there." She glared at me and said "No. That's my son. He's mentally challenged." FML

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By hoolabaloo - India - Ahmadabad

Today, I finally got the courage to confess my feelings to the guy I have loved for a year now in a long note. He called half an hour later and said, "I'm not going to read this crap, just tell me what it says". FML

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By Celluloid - United States

Today, I thought I heard someone shifting around in my house. I froze in fear and then I heard it again. I thought I was hearing things until I realized that it wasn't an intruder in my home. The shifting noise was my thighs rubbing together when I walked. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I was home alone and it started to rain. It hadn't rained in days so I went out on my balcony and ran around. I felt great until I realized that my door had been swung shut because of the wind, and it had no handle. I had to wait outside in the rain for two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into work to see my boss's hot son. I wanted him to notice me, so I did my "sexy walk". I then slipped and fell onto my desk, broke my desk, and sprained my wrist. Oh he noticed me alright. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Modesto

Today, the gas company came to connect our stove for free. While here, they broke our hot water heater, shut it off, and issued us a hazard notice. We can fix it, but they won't be able to come back for another two weeks to turn the gas back on. We don't have any hot water until then. FML

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By Jgfenix - United States - Aurora

Today, I was with my girlfriend at lunch when a group of guys came over. They started calling her a whore and a bunch of other shit, so I cussed them out. Turns out she was not only cheating on me, but all the other guys too. FML

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By sharee - United States - Providence

Today, my father-in-law asked me if I have breast implants in front of the whole family for the third time this month. FML

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By bbbbb - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I slipped on a crayon a little girl threw on the floor, causing me to drop the tray of water I was carrying, making me spill it all over her. After getting cussed out by her mom, I was fired for making a customer unhappy. FML

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By Nate - United States

Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 23:00

Wow thanks, I'm cured

Today, I learned from my father that all I had to do was eat right and exercise and I would be bipolar free. Gee, why hadn't I thought of that yet? FML

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By Luisa

Lunch Special

Today, we have nearly no food in the house. My husband went shopping with the kids and returned with a sack of tomatoes. Time to make lunch. FML

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By ididlookgood - United States

Today, I went to the gym that I just became a member of, making an extra effort to look good because I've heard there are hot guys there. The lady at the front desk said they need to take my picture, then took a second look and said, "Don't worry hun, we'll take it when you're more prepared." FML

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By Dopamin3

Today, driving to a conference 2 hours away a giant piece of ice fell off a truck and did severe damage to my car hood and busted the front light. The car was a few months old with around 5000 miles on it. FML

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By turnoff - United States

Today, I tried to wake my husband up in the middle of the night by kissing him deeply and massaging his neck and shoulders. He opens his eyes, looks at me, says "No", and goes back to sleep. FML

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By Queen_of_Night - United States

Today, my boyfriend was reaching over to give me a hug for no reason. I said "Aww, You're sweet! I love you too!" He looked confused and said, "That's great, but I was reaching for the remote." FML

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By FreshFaced - United Kingdom

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill that he sent me home. FML

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By misc - Netherlands

Today, while in Holland, I lost the bag with my passport, debit and credit cards, license, and camera. I froze my accounts and filled out the paperwork for a new passport. My bag was found the second time I went to the police, with everything in it. Now my accounts are frozen for the 3 weeks I'm here. FML

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By missseloit3

Et tu, Brute?

Today I caught my husband cheating on me in our bed with my 19-year-old brother. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my mom if she'd seen my financial calculator on my way out to an exam. She told me she'd tossed it in the donation pile that she'd taken to the Salvation Army this morning because it was "clutter." I needed it to take the exam, which is required to pass the class, to graduate next month. The only place to buy a replacement was closed. FML

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By mumblingdope - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I bleached my hair. Not only did it fry, it also has a very noticeable green tint and because of the damage, I can't dye it again for a while. Now I keep getting asked "Why so serious?" by my friends. FML

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By fmyhabit - United States

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I arranged the food on my plate in a smiley face to try and make myself feel better. I'm a 38 year old man. It worked. FML

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By My rapey cat (doesn't even have balls)

Today, my 20-year-old sister is taking care of my cat while I am out of state. She sent a photo of him "playing in a silly way" with her kitty. I then had to very seriously explain to her that in the photo, my cat and her cat were trying to make more cats. FML

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By inthecold - United States

Today, I went to a party 40 minutes away by bus with some friends. We missed the bus, waited half an hour for the second, and arrived just in time to hear the policemen say, "Party's over. Get outta here." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend drove me home. I mentioned how I had recently started my period and he freaked out, saying I would "leak" through my tampon onto his seat. He made me sit on towels all the way home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the toilet, when my Mom thought it would be a fun idea to barge in, take a picture of me, post it on Facebook, and tag me. FML

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By nali1122

Burned!

Today, I received a text forward from a good friend inviting me to his birthday party. Jokingly, I texted back, "No. I hate you and I don't want to go to your lame party." He replied with an apology for the mix-up, because he'd accidentally sent me the invite. FML

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By Flandre

Today, I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

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By caqi33 - United States

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water bottle while in a lecture. The water caught in my throat and it felt like I was choking to death. Instead of asking me if I was okay or trying to help, the guy sitting next to me told me to shut up. FML

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By Discouraged - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my brother admitted that he decides whether he will date a girl or not based on the number of likes she gets on her selfies. We share the same blood. FML

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Top comments

By 604 | 11

#6304507 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:35

If he asks why you're not using them, tell him you already did; they were accepted by a competitor for double the value.

By queenofirony | 12

#6304504 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:35

Give him a coupon for one sleep on the couch.

COMMENTS

By ihavenolifehaha | 16

#6304503 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:34

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Ms_ValS | 27

#6304513 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:39

Because those are way bigger treats for him and he considers this a birthday present for her.

Reply

jazzy_123 | 20

#6304523 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:45

because he's thinking mostly of himself. "a massage for a blow job" heck no! and plus, it's not like she owes him a blow job. Just in case you didn't know, we ARE allowed to refuse to give any and they better respect it.

Reply

ihavenolifehaha | 16

#6304525 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:46

Yeah, I kinda regret writing that comment. It's late and I just now realize it was pretty dumb. Lol...

Reply

aureshion | 5

#6304595 - Friday 29 May 2015 11:27

@damnitstrue
I agree. my girlfriend should never feel forced to give me anything of sexual persuasion. if she feels like giving me a blowjob for whatever reason she can do so. but I would never demand something like that as a favor. especially if its her birthday

Reply

itsallokaynow | 6

#6304984 - Friday 29 May 2015 22:13

I actually really like that you came forward and apologized. Props to you

Reply

mikey7 | 13

#6307444 - Monday 1 June 2015 15:06

What if the guy is a professional

Reply

Noela Abney | 5

#7847798 - Tuesday 1 October 2019 21:58

because the coupons are all about him DUH. what a shitty birthday gift

By queenofirony | 12

#6304504 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:35

Give him a coupon for one sleep on the couch.

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6305243 - Saturday 30 May 2015 4:39

And even better, it'll be a buy one get another free!

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6304505 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:35

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

clumsylobster | 17

#6304527 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:48

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

fakedsincerity | 32

#6304530 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:53

Ah yes. Comparing people to Hitler. Inappropriate and nonsensical.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6304541 - Friday 29 May 2015 10:01

Don't forget unoriginal.

Reply

Zebediabolical | 37

#6304750 - Friday 29 May 2015 17:52

Say what you want about Hitler. At least he killed Hitler. AND the dude who killed Hitler.

Reply

maemismile | 22

#6304911 - Friday 29 May 2015 20:05

Why yes, you can blame the guy for trying. Asshole...

By Ms_ValS | 27

#6304506 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:35

Wow you got yourself a jackass OP!

Reply

DFMLharsh | 20

#6304522 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:45

A man tried.

- Valar Dohaeris

Reply

mezochan | 29

#6304712 - Friday 29 May 2015 16:23

A man is an idiot.

-Me

By 604 | 11

#6304507 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:35

If he asks why you're not using them, tell him you already did; they were accepted by a competitor for double the value.

Reply

Polynomial | 28

#6304649 - Friday 29 May 2015 13:35

You win.

Reply

604 | 11

#6305852 - Saturday 30 May 2015 22:21

Hooray!

By adrian_robber2 | 7

#6304510 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:37

Edit

By hunterluv1 | 20

#6304511 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:38

how inconsiderate. you would think it being your birthday he would be a little less selfish.

Reply

Purexinsanity | 46

#6304697 - Friday 29 May 2015 15:34

#12 that's probably because they benefit him just as much if not more than they benefit her.

By adrian_robber2 | 7

#6304512 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:38

Tell him they have expired already

By igg125 | 30

#6304519 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:43

Looks like he gave himself your present

By Bricktothehead | 21

#6304524 - Friday 29 May 2015 9:45

Get the leaf blower.