Miscellaneous: Today, feeling melancholy, I took a blanket out to the backyard... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, feeling melancholy, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Messed up

Desperate

By hellnooo - United States

Today, I found out that I puke and then pass out at the sight of blood. I am a 16 year old girl expecting hundreds of periods to come. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia - Jiddah

Today, by pure chance, I found the website where my boyfriend has been getting all the cute, "original" romantic texts he sends me, including the one that made me fall in love with him to begin with. FML

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By coloradoman - United States

Today, while flying on American Airlines back from visiting family, a new born puked its breakfast all over my HP mini, knocked my orange juice ino my lap, and than coughed up another layer on top of it all. I couldn't change my pants because of we were about to experience turbulance. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML

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By Anonymous

Sit and stew

Today, my dog and I got sprayed by a skunk. I have no tomato juice or baking soda, and the bus doesn't come for another 3 hours. FML

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By bastard - United States

Today, I went to a nativity play. My husband showed up late and drunk, and I had to explain to him why booming "Yeah! Time to get baby Jesus up in this shit!" when our son was about to go on stage got us kicked out. FML

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By NaurLalaith

Today, I bought an iPhone SE, so my mom decided to sell my old iPhone 5 on Craigslist. Since the 5 and SE look exactly the same, she ended up selling my SE instead of the 5 for $100. The buyer refuses to give it back. FML

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By tbw - United States

Today, I decided to get my ass in shape and went to the gym. I got motion-sickness on the elliptical. FML

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By dumbluck - United States

Today, I was driving in stop and go traffic and passed two accidents in the process. I got nervous and decided to change routes to avoid getting hit. As I was trying to find an alternative route on my GPS, I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By coldasfire - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend keeps my toenails in her deceased grandmother's prized music box. She says it's to, "Keep the box natural." I don't understand why she does this, or what she means by "natural." FML

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By teacher - United States - Apo

Today, I started my first teaching job ever. As I was teaching, another teacher interrupted my class about 5 times because she thought it was her class. Not only did she ruin my confidence, her behavior caused my students to laugh at me. FML

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By N - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML

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By dearme - United States

Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML

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By Anonymous

Tricky situation

Today, my roommate in our barracks posted trans hate-speech on Facebook. My choices are to report him and risk ending his military career, confront him and risk him finding out I'm trans, or do nothing and live in fear of him figuring me out. FML

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By trappedinmyownhome

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

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By jenny2989 - United States

Today, I reached behind my couch to plug my phone charger in. My arm got stuck and I had to wait for my roommate to get home to help me. FML

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By nopissleft - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I woke up to a loud crashing in the middle of the night. I went to investigate, but found nothing amiss. Nothing except an axe firmly wedged in my front door, that is. It's safe to say that I have no clue who did it, and that I needed a fresh pair of underwear. FML

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By Oh.

Today, I told my dad that failing to kill yourself must be really awful, because you think you’ve failed your life and then you even fail your death. My dad who, as I recalled when he shot me a sour look, tried to commit suicide during his youth. FML

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By Anonymouse - United States

Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML

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By CiaoBella

Today, my son said his first word, which was, "Fuck". He got it from my great aunt, who my wife was skeptical of our son meeting because she "says too many bad words". Sorry honey. FML

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By fabz - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to slowly explain to my slightly ditzy roommate that no, I will not grow testicles due to taking testosterone supplements. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, due to the cold, windy weather, I decided to wear my brand-new cute (and expensive) jacket that has a faux-fur hood. As I walked down the street, numerous PETA members attacked me with red liquid. I'm a Vegan and an animal-rights activist. FML

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By shit - United States

Today, I accidentally rear-ended an undercover police car. FML

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By yeah why not - Norway

Today, my dad had a little too much to drink. When he's that drunk, he likes to pepper me with a lot of random questions. He asked if I've ever tried hard drugs, and if I want to die. I answered no to both of the questions, and he demanded to know why not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

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By wannadi - United States - Camden

Today, I was told by co-workers with whom I have worked for 2 years that I tan too much and dye my hair black too often. I'm from the Middle East and have never tanned nor dyed my hair. My co-workers think I'm a wannabe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spotted one of my friends using the ATM outside our school's university center. I crept up behind him, grabbed his shoulders abruptly, and shouted in my best deep man-voice, "Give me all your money!" Turned out to be a poor, unsuspecting freshman. He gave me his money. FML

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By beachedwhale21 - 22/6/2020 05:01

Always save to the cloud!

Today, I finally finished typing up a story I had been working on for about 7 months, saved it on my computer and left to hang with friends. Came home later to find my dad had sold my laptop in order to pay his phone bill. My hard work is now gone. FML

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By post-loss

Today, in my excitement to make some new cards for the postcard exchange I take part in, I apparently spilled my bottle of glue directly into the bag that contains my entire postcard collection. I didn't notice until several hours later. FML

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By rainedaddy - United States

Today, I open my front door and saw a covered basket with a card from my girlfriend on it. I picked it up and read, "Hope this cheers you up." I uncovered the basket to find a golden labrador puppy. Its eyes were closed and it wasn't breathing. FML

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By malnourishedstudent - United States - Palm Coast

Today, after months of living on five dollars a day for food in college, I found out my parents bought me an expensive meal plan and forgot to mention it. FML

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By RootyTootToot

Today, I got a call from "No Caller ID", which usually only shows up when someone calls from my house phone. Thinking it was my kids, I answered imitating a cartoon voice. It wasn't my kids. It was the district attorney's office calling about the job I applied for. FML

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By BadatDIY - United Kingdom

Today, the maintenance workers finally came to my apartment to fix the shower-head that kept falling off the wall. I was annoyed because they had replaced it a few weeks ago and since then, it'd been a problem. They went into my bathroom, turned the shower head around, and left. FML

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By Bobby The Baker

Today, a cockroach flew towards me, and out of panic I dropped my car keys in the sewer. Not only did I lose my keys, but the cake I made for a client is stuck inside the car. It's for a wedding, and they're arriving in the reception area in a few minutes. FML

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By Jayman223 - United States - Reno

Today I adopted a dog. He ran away the same day. FML

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By DestinyJoy

Today, at Starbucks, I complimented the awkward nerdy barista's name tag because of the funny Sonic decorations on it. The dude took it as me flirting and gave me my drink with Sonic drawn on it. I had applied to work there and now I can't go back. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was scheduled for an interview at 3 o'clock. I allowed thirty minutes for the drive, but when I put my key in the ignition, the car wouldn't start. FML

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Top comments

By omgshaylaaa | 0

#1937196 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:06

haha yay dad

By hiddydiddy | 0

#1937200 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:08

Im sorry, but u have a funny dad :)

COMMENTS

By omgshaylaaa | 0

#1937196 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:06

haha yay dad

Reply

iamthellamaking | 0

#1937397 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:35

learn to love the gas

Reply

InnocentLies | 0

#1938048 - Friday 7 January 2011 10:25

Or explain to him how sick that is.
My dads gross like that too.
>_<

Reply

iamthellamaking | 0

#1938093 - Friday 7 January 2011 10:37

love the gas and it won't be a problem even though I hate it myself

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1938226 - Friday 7 January 2011 11:25

look on the bright side, at least he didn't follow through...

Reply

MagneticGuitar | 0

#1938393 - Friday 7 January 2011 12:35

OP is called Meg.

Reply

Action_Bastard | 0

#1938674 - Friday 7 January 2011 14:18

It's great to have a dad with a great sense of humor. FML? Not really except for the fact you fell prey to his prank.

Reply

randiZ25 | 0

#1938773 - Friday 7 January 2011 14:57

exactly it's good to have a fun dad. it's just a fart princess not a big deal. some day you won't have him and you'll actually miss that.

Reply

Zesty697 | 0

#1938858 - Friday 7 January 2011 15:29

71 is a win

Reply

Roadkill007 | 9

#1939985 - Friday 7 January 2011 21:12

lol I can just see OP now, after her dad's funeral, looking for strangers who will fart on her, just so she can relive the good ole times

Reply

needleinmypants_fml | 3

#1940224 - Friday 7 January 2011 22:48

LOVE THE GAS OP

love it.

Reply

MrFerret | 0

#1955243 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 15:48

Stop bitching it could have been worse, what if he pulled his pants down and had the stomach flu???

Reply

ThePowerOfGlory | 0

#1964641 - Friday 14 January 2011 4:46

agreed 71

By Faceluvsyou | 0

#1937198 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:07

What an ass im sorry

Reply

iamthellamaking | 0

#1937481 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:48

wow that was an unnontentional pun

Reply

C94Slim | 7

#1937574 - Friday 7 January 2011 10:07

unintentionally *

Reply

iamthellamaking | 0

#1937582 - Friday 7 January 2011 10:10

my bed I isn't a goode speelr

Reply

unidentified_sta | 5

#1938165 - Friday 7 January 2011 11:06

"Unintentionally" doesn't work, just sub it back into the original comment.

*Unintentional

Reply

FMLforALL | 0

#1938197 - Friday 7 January 2011 11:21

I'm sure it was intentional. It warrants a new statement all together.

Reply

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#1941648 - Saturday 8 January 2011 6:58

ooohh good one... not

By hiddydiddy | 0

#1937200 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:08

Im sorry, but u have a funny dad :)

Reply

tmmundy | 17

#1939404 - Friday 7 January 2011 17:42

lmao....that was funny, I agree.  but the smell. gag.

Reply

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1939529 - Friday 7 January 2011 18:58

Hahahahahaha awesome

By Leebra | 6

#1937204 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:08

LOL

Your dad is a dick.

Reply

iamthellamaking | 0

#1937489 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:49

wrong side gas cums out of an ass

By Falloner | 0

#1937215 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:10

your dads sense of humor is better than yours lol

Reply

unfortunate_13 | 5

#1937310 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:20

that's not a sense of humour, that's being a pig.

Reply

spade1997 | 0

#1937486 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:49

17 I'm pretty sure that's still humor

Reply

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1939533 - Friday 7 January 2011 19:00

lighten up it's a fart haha

By bamagrl410 | 31

#1937230 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:11

Oh sick. Plus, if you're female, I don't think that part of his body should be that close to your face... o.O

Reply

JManHobbs | 0

#1937270 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:14

What? Are you kidding?

Reply

iamthellamaking | 0

#1937513 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:54

so you are saying you want some old dudes junk close to your face

Reply

UrCommentsSuck | 0

#1938658 - Friday 7 January 2011 14:09

Only if you're female? Huh...

Reply

ajmb88 | 0

#1939880 - Friday 7 January 2011 20:38

what do you mean

Reply

iFizzgig | 11

#2737791 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 19:47

t bag!!!

By Wat2i2671 | 0

#1937232 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:11

LMAOO...

By squirell_AIDS69 | 0

#1937236 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:11

LMFAO that's awesome! Your dad is a boss!

Reply

atone | 0

#1941107 - Saturday 8 January 2011 3:41

okay Chris smoove!! lol he pulled a noob move lol

Reply

kyoungin | 0

#1942069 - Saturday 8 January 2011 9:31

lml , agreed !

By BoredomKillsinc | 0

#1937258 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:13

i wouldn't care if that was my dad or anyone else, if someone did that to me, i would smack them in the balls as hard as i could. no one is doing that to me, that's fcking discusting

Reply

unidentified_sta | 5

#1937359 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:29

Balls, balls, balls. Always in the comments someone advocates genital trauma.

Reply

IHeartJimi02 | 0

#1937501 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:52

discusting?

Reply

FMLforALL | 0

#1938214 - Friday 7 January 2011 11:23

disgusting *

By evybeth | 0

#1937263 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:14

not cool!