Miscellaneous: Today, feeling melancholy, I took a blanket out to the backyard... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, feeling melancholy, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

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Instadrama

Triage

Sewer monster

By me - United States

Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I caught my half-sister stealing money from her mother's purse. Rather than risk getting in trouble, she told her uber-conservative mother that I've been seeing a girl. So now, I'm grounded for being gay, and she gets off the hook for stealing because she outed me. FML

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By Lysh

Today, my fiancé broke it off with me on our 3-year anniversary at 12:01 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning. Guess who gets to go to family gatherings where everyone will be asking where he is. FML

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By Emily - 7/6/2020 20:08

What's the point?

Today, whilst doing training as a mental health nurse, our glorified pineapple of a lecturer told us that trying to stop patients wanting to commit suicide isn't a possibility. So, what the hell are we training for? FML

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By sdauner - United States

Today, I found a $100 bill on the ground and was thinking, "I'm so lucky!!" I opened my wallet to find that $300 was missing. I looked back and saw some guy picking up $300. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, the doctor let me know I have an autoimmune disease. The disease results in ulcers in my colon which bleed when I poop. I cried, but only when I was told that I wouldn't be allowed to eat cheese anymore. FML

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By freakedout - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the doctor's waiting room. When I woke up, the room was empty, and there was a $1 bill tucked into my cleavage. FML

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By Bottomless_Pit_for_the_NOMS - 23/9/2020 10:01 - United States - Miami

That homely smell

Today, my mother had just got home and we were both in the kitchen. She then starts to get out food and I smelled deviled eggs. Delighted, I asked, "Do I smell deviled eggs?" She turned around laughing and announced she'd farted. I effectively got hungry from my mother’s fart. FML

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By damnthedog - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I found out that my home-made pasta sauce had a weird taste to it because my basil patch in the backyard has become my dog's preferred spot to pee. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Thanks.

Today, I asked a guy if I could finally meet his mom after we’ve been exclusive for almost a year now. He goes, "You’re special, but you’re not THAT special." FML

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By ugh - United States - Dearborn

Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when I made an appointment with my girlfriend to have sex. I have a two week wait. FML

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By NotALuckyGuy - United States - Columbus

Today, I lost my virginity in a porta-potty. FML

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By tamralee

We've all done it

Today, I scrubbed a spot on a glass window in my house for several minutes. After finally giving up, I realized the spot was on the opposite side of the glass. I wasn't even high. FML

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By What’sGoingOn

Awkward...

Today, I accidentally sent a dick pic to my coach instead of my girlfriend. He sent one back. FML

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By mikalovernj - 27/11/2020 14:02

Pets are life

Today, my neighbor asked me to check in on his pet. When I went into his house, I couldn't find any animals. I searched all over, and finally gave up and called him. I asked him what type of pet he had. His response? "My pet rock, Stubby." That's right, I just spent some time looking for a rock. FML

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By ACCCHHHOOOO!!!!!!!!! -_- - United States - Laurel

Today, my dick of a neighbor tried to file a noise complaint against me, all because I have the flu and am sneezing a lot. FML

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By msamberjade - United States - Columbus

New movie

Today, my boyfriend came home with three of his best friends and broke up with me in front of them. Then, when I asked if we could talk privately, he filmed it for "documentation". FML

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By anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 16 year old daughter convinced her little sister that I am a robot. Now every time I try to talk to her she starts crying. FML

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By I will find you and I will fucking fuck y - United Kingdom - Falmouth

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

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By FranticFarAwayDaughter

Today, my mother was transferred from the hospital to a long-term care facility. Nobody I talk to at the hospital knows what facility they sent her to. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my fancy rubber phone case did its job and saved my phone from damage when I dropped it on the bathroom counter. Unfortunately, it was rather useless after the massive bounce it took before landing in the toilet. FML

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By ripped - Canada

Today, I saw a dime on the ground. When I bent down to pick it up, my $80 dollar pants ripped. FML

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By anon

Smells like Toddler Spirit

Today, a toddler threw up on my backpack mid-flight. FML

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By T - France

Today, I got the guts to call my dad for the first time in nine years. He said he "almost didn't remember" he "had another daughter." Another? FML

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By Stressed dad

Today, my wife's water broke so I drove her to the hospital. After 16 hours without labor, I went home to get a little sleep. Four hours later I got the call and ran outside to find that my car was towed from my parking space. FML

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By Off to Canada - Hong Kong - Kowloon

Today, my class was given the assignment to have an informal discussion, debating who would be the best fit for president of the US. The school's security guards were called in after the Trump supporters started fights with everyone else. FML

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By "smonds13"

Doggone It

Today, my 3-year-old pooped on the floor and blamed it on the dog. How do I know? We don't have a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was leaving the house to go on a date. My dad stopped me at the door and said confidently, "Tear that pussy up, son." I'm gay and my dad knows that. FML

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By Bobby M - Ireland

Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML

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By ewwww - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I found out where the mysterious bites on my back keep coming from. It's not every day you find an earwig in your loofah. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wooster

Today, we got new seats in class today. The guy placed next to me, turned, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "The balls are the warmest place on the body" while his hands were in his pants. I'm stuck next to him for the rest of the semester. FML

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By ThankYou! - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to meet a guy that i had already started to be involved with at a bar. We laughed, kissed and had a great time, until he admitted he was just doing all of this to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. Guess who was waiting for me outside. FML

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By Twitchy - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

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By Squid - Canada - Parksville

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

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By BW - United States

Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML

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By mustabeendrugs - United States - Tucson

Today, a customer called me "chink eyes", "dog eater", "bloody Chinese communist" and "ching chong." I'm black. FML

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By doneanddone - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's place until very late. He had stolen my keys as a joke at some point, but by the time I noticed, he was too drunk to remember where he'd hidden them. FML

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By upset room mate - United States

Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML

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By AnonymousCow - Australia - Perth

Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML

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Top comments

By omgshaylaaa | 0

#1937196 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:06

haha yay dad

By hiddydiddy | 0

#1937200 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:08

Im sorry, but u have a funny dad :)

COMMENTS

By omgshaylaaa | 0

#1937196 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:06

haha yay dad

Reply

iamthellamaking | 0

#1937397 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:35

learn to love the gas

Reply

InnocentLies | 0

#1938048 - Friday 7 January 2011 10:25

Or explain to him how sick that is.
My dads gross like that too.
>_<

Reply

iamthellamaking | 0

#1938093 - Friday 7 January 2011 10:37

love the gas and it won't be a problem even though I hate it myself

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1938226 - Friday 7 January 2011 11:25

look on the bright side, at least he didn't follow through...

Reply

MagneticGuitar | 0

#1938393 - Friday 7 January 2011 12:35

OP is called Meg.

Reply

Action_Bastard | 0

#1938674 - Friday 7 January 2011 14:18

It's great to have a dad with a great sense of humor. FML? Not really except for the fact you fell prey to his prank.

Reply

randiZ25 | 0

#1938773 - Friday 7 January 2011 14:57

exactly it's good to have a fun dad. it's just a fart princess not a big deal. some day you won't have him and you'll actually miss that.

Reply

Zesty697 | 0

#1938858 - Friday 7 January 2011 15:29

71 is a win

Reply

Roadkill007 | 9

#1939985 - Friday 7 January 2011 21:12

lol I can just see OP now, after her dad's funeral, looking for strangers who will fart on her, just so she can relive the good ole times

Reply

needleinmypants_fml | 3

#1940224 - Friday 7 January 2011 22:48

LOVE THE GAS OP

love it.

Reply

MrFerret | 0

#1955243 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 15:48

Stop bitching it could have been worse, what if he pulled his pants down and had the stomach flu???

Reply

ThePowerOfGlory | 0

#1964641 - Friday 14 January 2011 4:46

agreed 71

By Faceluvsyou | 0

#1937198 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:07

What an ass im sorry

Reply

iamthellamaking | 0

#1937481 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:48

wow that was an unnontentional pun

Reply

C94Slim | 7

#1937574 - Friday 7 January 2011 10:07

unintentionally *

Reply

iamthellamaking | 0

#1937582 - Friday 7 January 2011 10:10

my bed I isn't a goode speelr

Reply

unidentified_sta | 5

#1938165 - Friday 7 January 2011 11:06

"Unintentionally" doesn't work, just sub it back into the original comment.

*Unintentional

Reply

FMLforALL | 0

#1938197 - Friday 7 January 2011 11:21

I'm sure it was intentional. It warrants a new statement all together.

Reply

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#1941648 - Saturday 8 January 2011 6:58

ooohh good one... not

By hiddydiddy | 0

#1937200 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:08

Im sorry, but u have a funny dad :)

Reply

tmmundy | 17

#1939404 - Friday 7 January 2011 17:42

lmao....that was funny, I agree.  but the smell. gag.

Reply

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1939529 - Friday 7 January 2011 18:58

Hahahahahaha awesome

By Leebra | 6

#1937204 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:08

LOL

Your dad is a dick.

Reply

iamthellamaking | 0

#1937489 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:49

wrong side gas cums out of an ass

By Falloner | 0

#1937215 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:10

your dads sense of humor is better than yours lol

Reply

unfortunate_13 | 5

#1937310 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:20

that's not a sense of humour, that's being a pig.

Reply

spade1997 | 0

#1937486 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:49

17 I'm pretty sure that's still humor

Reply

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1939533 - Friday 7 January 2011 19:00

lighten up it's a fart haha

By bamagrl410 | 31

#1937230 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:11

Oh sick. Plus, if you're female, I don't think that part of his body should be that close to your face... o.O

Reply

JManHobbs | 0

#1937270 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:14

What? Are you kidding?

Reply

iamthellamaking | 0

#1937513 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:54

so you are saying you want some old dudes junk close to your face

Reply

UrCommentsSuck | 0

#1938658 - Friday 7 January 2011 14:09

Only if you're female? Huh...

Reply

ajmb88 | 0

#1939880 - Friday 7 January 2011 20:38

what do you mean

Reply

iFizzgig | 11

#2737791 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 19:47

t bag!!!

By Wat2i2671 | 0

#1937232 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:11

LMAOO...

By squirell_AIDS69 | 0

#1937236 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:11

LMFAO that's awesome! Your dad is a boss!

Reply

atone | 0

#1941107 - Saturday 8 January 2011 3:41

okay Chris smoove!! lol he pulled a noob move lol

Reply

kyoungin | 0

#1942069 - Saturday 8 January 2011 9:31

lml , agreed !

By BoredomKillsinc | 0

#1937258 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:13

i wouldn't care if that was my dad or anyone else, if someone did that to me, i would smack them in the balls as hard as i could. no one is doing that to me, that's fcking discusting

Reply

unidentified_sta | 5

#1937359 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:29

Balls, balls, balls. Always in the comments someone advocates genital trauma.

Reply

IHeartJimi02 | 0

#1937501 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:52

discusting?

Reply

FMLforALL | 0

#1938214 - Friday 7 January 2011 11:23

disgusting *

By evybeth | 0

#1937263 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:14

not cool!